Sibling Relationships Are Weird

This Mental Health Monday I plan to dive into my family tree a bit.  I’ve posted a few blogs about friendships and have shared bits and pieces of my life in other ones.  I typically write when I feel inspired and this is where my brain is currently landing, topic wise.  All of this blog is based on my experiences and personal opinions.  They may change over time, but this is how I feel right now.  

My perspective on sibling relationships is based on a complex upbringing. My perspective is likely completely different than an only child who always wanted a sibling or someone who grew up with a large number of siblings in their home every day.

I have eight siblings and I talk to zero of them on a regular basis.  

This brings me to question whether having multiple children makes any sense. 

I only have one sibling that was born out of the relationship between my biological mother and father.  The other seven were from three other relationships my mother and father had.  Let me give you a run down of what this looks like: 

1. Oldest – mom’s kid
2. Next – mom’s kid
3. Next – dad’s kid
4. Next – mom’s and dad’s kid
5. Me
6. Next – dad’s kid
7. Next – dad’s kid
8. Next – dad’s kid
9. Youngest – dad’s kid

This makes me my mom’s youngest child and dad’s third. 

I only grew up with sibling 4.  He was my absolute best friend.  I loved having him as my built in buddy.  I may have chased him with a rake and sat on him a few times in fights but I loved him with my whole heart.  

I always get offended looks from people when I say that he’s my favorite.  I don’t say this to be mean or say that my other siblings are somehow less than, but the reality is, he’s the only sibling I know.  He’s the only sibling that would test my macaroni noodles because he knew I didn’t like the taste without the cheese powder.  He’s the only sibling that would sneak in my room and watch random late night shows while our mom thought we were sleeping.  He’s the only sibling that I saw have a first love.  He’s the only sibling that went to my events (my youngest four did make it to my high school graduation).  I tagged along to his boy scout activities.  I hung with him on top of the deep freezer in our grandfather’s grocery store.  He’s the only sibling I have thousands of treasured memories with.  

He’s the only sibling that went through much of what I went through as a child.  We both mostly grew up with our mother and would visit our father during the summer and every other Christmas.  

I only have a handful of memories of siblings 1 and 2, but they are mostly from when I was much older.  I have a few memories of sibling number 3, but they are tainted a bit by jealousy (I’ll explain that more later).  Siblings 6 through 9 spent quite a few summers with sibling 4 and I, but we were much older and the relationships aren’t very strong.  

Having four children doesn’t sound like too many to some but to me it’s astronomical.  Having seven children is absolutely bonkers. 

Having as many siblings as I do is weird.  I love them all as humans but it gives me a huge sense of failure as a sister knowing that we don’t all have relationships.  

1. Sibling 1 sent a “f*** you” message to me recently. 
2. I removed sibling 2 from social media because their religious and political posts were too much to keep seeing. 
3. Sibling 3 is very similar to me but it’s hard to find time to stay connected with our schedules. 
4. Sibling 4 typically stays to themselves and is focused on building and loving their family so contact is minimal.
   6-9. Sibling 6 is the one I feel most connected to but contact is minimal.  The other three  seem so far removed because of their ages and limited contact we had growing up.  It also doesn’t help that their mother and I have never gotten along. 

When you enter a committed romantic relationship, the topic of having children is likely to come up.  It’s common for partners to want to share a biological child.  When divorce occurs, it’s likely that if a parent enters a new relationship, their new partner may also want to have a child with them.  As much as I feel it is normal to want to share a child with your partner, I question if this is the right choice for the child(ren) who already exists.  

I am fairly certain sibling 1 is not my biggest fan because of the close relationship I have with our mother.  They were only able to spend a few years with our mom due to divorce.  I grew up with our mom and she’s my favorite human in the world.  It’s possible this may be true for sibling 2 as well but it has never come up.  

Sibling 3 and I were able to connect last summer and I am so grateful for the trip for that reason.  We discussed so much about our childhoods and our relationships with our father.  I learned so many things about her I had no idea she experienced.  I told her I was always jealous of her because I felt my dad loved her more than me.  I learned she felt similarly.  She’s an amazing mother and person and I hate that I don’t get to be around her as much as I would like.  

Sibling 6 was the one younger sibling I spent the most time with.  They connect so well with sibling 4 and I.  Sibling 4 and I loved introducing them to things we liked and they were always the most like us out of the four younger siblings.  Sibling 7 always seemed to be at a random sports event and that is most of the memories I have with them.  Siblings 8 and 9 are basically babies to me.  One is in college and the other has been taller than me for a while but I don’t have many significant memories of them because I was an adult for most of their childhood.  

Unfortunately, I also had a hint of jealousy towards siblings 6 through 9.  I hated that their mom would tell people I was their step sibling instead of half sibling.  I hated that our dad went to so many of their events but only ever made it to my high school graduation.  I was jealous that they always seemed to have so much more than sibling 4 and I, and our dad didn’t seem to contribute much to us.  I hated hearing our dad brag about all their accomplishments but seemed disappointed that sibling 4 and I chose different paths than he would have chosen for us.  I hate that our dad still does this.  

I know growing up was not rainbows and sunshine for siblings 6 through 9 but so much has tainted my memories, it makes it hard to feel connected to them.  The age gaps don’t help either.  

Basically, having any more than one child creates some sort of issue for the siblings.  As a parent, you are never going to be able to give a child everything that they need.  It becomes even harder when the number of children keeps growing.  I don’t know many people who have both parents still together and a large sibling group.  I know there are some out there, but I personally do not know them.  Divorce creates a possible trauma for a child.  When you add siblings in that they may not get to see, or feel as if one parent loves more, it gets worse.  

Many people may not notice it or speak on it but it’s true.  We all have a different perspective of what growing up was like.  We all are going to have a story of feeling like our parents liked our sibling more than us.  For example, I personally know I’m my mom’s favorite (she’ll deny it).  As a 30 year old, I am still joking about being my mom’s favorite and jealous when her attention is taken by someone else, even if it is one of my siblings.  

I don’t believe there would be any way to ever have the relationship I want with all my siblings.  I believe all nine of us live in different states right now.  We are almost all adults and building lives of our own.  Five of us have children.  I know it’s normal for siblings to grow up and have different lives but it makes me sad to see that so many siblings do not have a positive relationship.  

Sibling relationships are something we attempt to preserve at my job but with so many different factors in play, siblings are split or don’t get the contact they deserve.  

I’m not asking people to only have one child.  I’m not asking for divorced people with children to not have children with a new partner.  I’m not saying that having siblings is bad.  I’m simply saying, we need to be more thoughtful about sibling relationships when we do decide to have more than one child.  

I am struggling trying to figure out how to ensure my son has a positive relationship with his new half sibling when his father has limited contact.  I don’t want my son to feel the feelings I felt growing up.  I don’t want him to question if his father loves his sibling more than him, even though I know it will likely happen.  

Technology options were limited when I grew up but with all the technology we have now, we need to be better about ensuring our children have contact with their siblings if they live in separate homes.  I would recommend ensuring you’re working to be the best parent possible first but sibling relationships should be a priority.  

We need to be better at building strong sibling bonds when they live in the same home.  Humans are different, even when they have a similar upbringing.  Do not tell your child they should be more like their sibling because you feel the sibling is making better choices.  Parents need to respect their children as individuals and work to ensure they all feel loved.  

I am working to process my childhood in therapy.  I am working to process any negative feelings I had/have towards my siblings, realizing that most of the feelings were/are directed at my father.  I am working to process the fact that my siblings likely have their own feelings and perspective about me as a sibling and I may never be able to have a positive relationship with some of them.

I don’t know how to be a part of a large family.  I struggle to make time to speak to anyone outside of my son.  Maintaining eight healthy sibling relationships, two healthy relationships with my parents, four healthy relationships with my grandparents, and healthy relationships with the many cousins, aunts, and uncles out there has always felt impossible.  

Having another child sounds absolutely horrifying to me at this moment.  I constantly feel like I’m failing my son already.  I’m not in a relationship to even consider having another child but I can’t imagine having to divide my already limited time and attention.  Parents with multiple children fascinate me.  I’ve seen parents manage multiple children beautifully in a moment but I know that moment likely meant something different to all the children. 

Parents, I know you’re doing your best!  Remember what it felt like to be someone’s child.  Remember what you wanted out of your parents and try to give that and more to your child(ren).  It isn’t going to be easy and building a strong support system around you and your child(ren) is going to be needed.  Any help you can find to help build up these tiny humans into healthy adults who understand what it feels like to be loved is amazing!  

To my siblings: I love you! I hope you all build lives that bring you joy and you feel loved.

We are struggling with so much every day.  I am here to be an advocate for mental health and helping others.  If you’re struggling with an internal battle, just know, I am here with you!  My website/blog and social media page are safe places!  Share your dreams and your struggles.  Life isn’t easy but you’re doing great!