Don’t Get Married

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote the following in the Notes app on my phone:

“don’t get married blog
like the don’t have children blog
it’d be sweet.”

What inspired this “note”? I’m happy to tell you! Most nights my husband and I take a shower together before bed. The night I wrote that “Note” we also showered together. He got out before I did because I needed to shave my legs. I’m not even going to pretend that I shave those things regularly. I ain’t got time or energy for that on the regular. Anyways, I had a band performance the next day, and we were requested to wear shorts, so I had to shave my legs, haha! I 100% knew my husband was going to be passed out before I made it into the room. I made a pouty face at him as he left the bathroom and asked him to wait up for me.

Every night we go to sleep, he spoons me as we go to sleep. There’s only been a few nights, since we began living together, that we have slept apart. I thought it was a little constricting when he first suggested sleeping like that as I’d become a back sleeper during my pregnancy with my son and hadn’t gone back since. Even though the change felt different at first, now I HATE sleeping without my husband cuddled up to me. Generally, when he falls asleep first, I cuddle up to him and I am able to fall asleep, although it’s a bit less satisfying. I’m used to his cuddles, what can I say.

I got out of the shower, and sure enough, I went into the room, and my husband was passed out. I internally pouted some more and crawled into bed. As I turned onto my side, my husband basically scooped me up and pulled me into him. Heck yeah! I felt all the cutie patootie feelings for my husband in that moment. I loved that, even though he was asleep, he felt the bed shift and immediately reacted to cuddle me. That moment inspired the “Note.”

My thoughts were basically:

“This man is too precious, I’m so glad I get to cuddle him forever.”

“I’m so lucky to be married to this man, he’s the best.”

“His arms are so delicious.”

“Why does he look so gosh darn adorable when he sleeps?”

“Being married to your best friend is so cool.”

——

So, what would lead to a blog titled “Don’t Get Married?”

Well, if you haven’t read my blog “Don’t Have Children,” go check it out. It will give you a bit of insight. Here’s the link: https://authorarielpierce.com/2025/07/02/dont-have-children/

If you don’t want to take that extra step, let me explain!

If you have read any of my previous content, you’ll know my current marriage is not my first. I got married at 19 and I was divorced by 22. From age 22 until about the time I met my husband at age 32, I adamantly told most people I spoke to about marriage: “Don’t get married.”

It could have been based around my poor experience being married, but I also didn’t fully understand the point of marriage. There were very few examples of marriage, that I had seen, that seemed worth taking that step again. I would consider 19-year-old Ariel an airhead. The ignorance inside her led to numerous decisions that thoroughly embarrasses 34-year-old Ariel. 19-year-old Ariel had limited relationship experience and appreciated any interest directed at her. She had no idea what marriage actually meant, simply that it seemed exciting.

I’m posting this blog on my one-year wedding anniversary with my current husband. I wanted to write something that honored our first year of marriage but also spoke to the realities of relationships and marriage.

I can only think of a few examples of marriage that bring me a level of joy that would warrant me recommending someone to get married, outside of my own marriage. I have one friend from childhood whose parents are still married. They always seemed too precious when I saw them together growing up. They still seem happily married to me. A couple other examples are both sets of my grandparents. One set has passed, but they were married 60 years before my grandma passed. The other set are creeping somewhere near 60 years as well.

If I’m being honest, I don’t know much about any of their marriages. I never saw the early years. I never saw any arguments. I never saw much of anything honestly. A few sleepovers at my friend’s house and some random encounters when I see her parents out in the community, doesn’t warrant me using them as an example for a healthy marriage. Knowing the length of my grandparents’ marriages and seeing them together and generally appearing happy, the times that I would see them, doesn’t warrant me using them as examples for healthy marriage either. They very well could be healthy examples, but I don’t actually know.

There’s a popular social media influencer going through a public divorce right now. I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was to see the news she was getting divorced. I had recently watched a cute video of her and her husband explaining how they met and saw quite a bit of adorable videos of them together leading up to seeing that news. The reality about relationships is that most people don’t know anything about the relationships those around them are in. A lengthy marriage doesn’t necessarily mean a happy one. I have had multiple elderly clients speak on how they wish they could have left their marriages a long time ago, despite being actively still married to their spouse. A short engagement doesn’t mean someone is bound to get divorced because “they don’t even know each other.”

As a 34-year-old, I would still likely recommend most people not to get married. However, it’s not because marriage isn’t beautiful.

I saw a post the other day from a random creator. I don’t know anything about this creator, but I’ll put their name that showed up on Facebook to give them credit for their words. The creator is “Tronesodriven.” The video was titled “12 things we REFUSE to normalize in our marriage after almost 13 years.” I took a screenshot of the caption which had number one on the list. I don’t recall what the other 12 items were, because number one stuck with me the most. It was, “We don’t believe marriage is hard just because everybody says it. Life is hard. Stress is hard. Money can be hard. Parenting can be hard. Our marriage has made every challenge we overcame easier to face together.”

You’re never going to understand anyone’s relationship outside of your own. No one is ever going to be able to explain every little detail that led to a successful marriage or a divorce. However, this sentiment meant something to me.

I’ll never be one to get behind the sentiment that “divorce isn’t an option.” I may have written about that in another blog over the years. I couldn’t tell you which one, but that’s not really the point. The point is, that logic doesn’t really matter when you’re facing LIFE. The thought is cute, but you don’t really know your spouse until you face LIFE. People often suggest dating for a long time so you can see your partner in stressful situations. That’s a nice suggestion, but there’s no length of time or certain stressful situation that is going to help you guarantee your marriage will be successful. No one can predict the future. You may experience an awful situation while dating and that person handles it well. However, you add a certain amount of mental load that marriage tends to add, and you never know what could flip that person to the kind of person you can’t imagine continuing in a marriage with forever.

Here’s a look into some of the things that my husband and I experienced during the first year of marriage:

  1. My husband lost his job due to his company downsizing.
  2. I started to not enjoy my job, started to job search, and ultimately switched to a new job.
  3. My mom went to the hospital at one point and faced ongoing health challenges.
  4. I also went to the hospital at one point and also face ongoing health challenges.
  5. I received custody of a non-biological child who experienced foster care.
  6. My husband continued to have legal involvement to address custody of his three children.
  7. My husband’s children’s mothers actively harassed us.
  8. My bio child’s father increased contact but also continued to make questionable parenting choices.
  9. I went gluten free which has contributed to increased challenges ensuring I have food I can eat.
  10. My husband purchased a new to him car.
  11. My husband completed home DIY projects.
  12. I increased my writing/author aspirations and spent increased time writing at the library.
  13. My husband started a fishing content Facebook page as he enjoys to fish.
  14. We experienced a few familial arguments with our extended family.
  15. We have five children with all the general needs (physical, mental, educational, etc.) of a child.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that at some points throughout this year I haven’t questioned whether or not we were going to see our first wedding anniversary. I knew going into the relationship with my husband, that he had three children with three different women. What I didn’t know, is how awful they would be. I assumed some drama would occur, but they have been miserable to deal with. I filed a harassment complaint with the attorney general’s office on one. Another helped convince her daughter to actively lie to a judge and specifically target me. The other just seems to not understand much and has contributed to ongoing behavioral challenges with her child because of decisions she makes. Out of everything we have faced, the constant harassment has been the hardest. It has messed with my head and truly impacted my mental health.

I help my husband navigate the harassment and it is a lot to manage mentally. I have snapped at him a few times and have actively said something along the lines of: “This is all your fault. If you picked better women to have children with, we wouldn’t have to deal with this BS!” HAHA! Not me being judgy when my child’s father is also questionable.

I have worked hard to not take out my frustration with his children’s mothers on my husband. I don’t know why they are the way that they are. I know he made questionable decisions in each of their relationships, but his past does not reflect the person I married. Yes, there’s been times that I have to check him on his communication, but for the most part, my husband tries hard to communicate in a respectful and thoughtful way.

I don’t know that each version of my past self would have been able to maintain all the nonsense that 34-year-old Ariel is able to maintain. Our life is A LOT. We both have a heavy mental load and if we’re not careful, our relationship could fail.

Like that creator I mentioned said, LIFE is hard. I don’t know that life was hard in my first marriage. I think there was a compatibility issue in our relationship. Some marriages likely don’t work for general incompatibility issues that may not be present right out the gate. You are going to change as you age. Life changes people. Sometimes that is easy to miss or forget when you’re in the beginning phases of a relationship. In my current marriage, the LIFE aspect seems to be our biggest challenge. All the things I listed earlier have led to conversations that required thoughtful engagement. We didn’t always get it right, but we’ve put in work to try to ensure we handle all the things the best we can.

I’m grateful for my current husband. I would love for him to be by my side for the remainder of my life. I believe we are well suited for each other. I have the best time when I am with my husband. Seeing his face lights up everything inside me. He is so thoughtful about his expression of love. He has proven he is putting in the effort to understand who I am and how best to show love the way I need it. Many of my areas of weakness are his strengths and vice versa. When we experience difficulties, he tries to be as supportive as possible and walks with me through them. He is a brilliant, creative, and hardworking man. He’s also incredibly sexy, and I wish I could be near him all the time.

Our physical relationship has been a beautiful part of our relationship as well, and I can’t stress enough the importance of a healthy physical relationship with your spouse! I’m not only meaning sex. I’m meaning showering together when possible. I’m meaning hugs multiple times a day. I’m meaning random kisses. I’m meaning having your butt slapped as your spouse walks by or whatever random expression of “I see you,” that is comfortable for your spouse. I’m meaning holding hands in the car. I’m meaning grossing out the kids in a healthy way where they ask questions like “why do y’all like each other so much?” or “why do you kiss each other all the time?” I have noticed multiple times, when our physical connection is off, we tend to be disconnected in general as well. If we’re snappy, we generally start with assessing our physical connection and prioritize those needs as best as possible.

Here are some of the things my husband and I do that have made LIFE easier to navigate.

  1. We prioritize our relationship by trying to do a weekly date night.
  2. We prioritize physical connection by showering together as often as possible.
  3. We try to set aside dedicated time for each of us to engage in our respective hobbies/personal goals.
  4. We try to not communicate with our coparents without the other person being aware so we can provide mental/emotional support should the conversation go poorly.
  5. We have worked to try to even out the mental load by making sure we’re both aware of as much of our obligations as possible. A large physical calendar in our home has helped exponentially.
  6. We continue to work to avoid defensiveness in our communication. We’ve had to recognize that our intent is different than our impact. We tend to say or do things with one intent and it doesn’t come off to the other person the same way.
  7. We’ve had to recognize that we have different needs in times of conflict. I tend to want to talk until the issue is resolved and my husband tends to need breaks to think things through.
  8. We have tried to get on the same page regarding parenting decisions. This continues to be a work in progress as these kids are wild and we are constantly surprised by the randomness you can’t even begin to imagine, haha! The coparenting issues also continue to contribute to challenges with parenting as their other parents parent much differently than we do.

To move towards wrapping all this up, I will say again that LIFE IS HARD. I’ve written in numerous blogs that being a human is the hardest thing we have to do in life. There are any number of factors that can contribute to a marriage being successful or failing. There’s no one path for people to take for a marriage to be successful. Human beings are so vastly different. We’ve all experienced life in vastly different ways. We all have different support. We all have different interests. We all have different mental health needs. We all have different physical needs.

If you find someone you feel is someone you want to have by your side navigating the hardness of life, that’s phenomenal. I do maintain a recommendation of carefulness. I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew I should exit previous relationships, and I didn’t because I feared being alone more than I valued myself. I never felt that in my current relationship. In most situations I’ve doubted our relationship, it’s because outside factors are overwhelming us. We’ve worked to try to mitigate the impact these outside factors have on us, because we love being with each other. If you find your person, work to mitigate the outside factors.

I do want to say that you have to put in individual work to maintain a relationship. You can’t fully blame outside factors if you haven’t dealt with internal ones. Therapy is a great resource if you need mental health support. Church is a great resource if you need spiritual support. The library is a great resource for books/information that may help you navigate a particular challenge. Understanding yourself, your past, and the way you want to exist in the present/future are all important when considering navigating a relationship.

Don’t get married if you don’t feel ready. Don’t get married just because society tells you that you should. Don’t get married just because it seems fun. Don’t get married because you don’t want to be alone.

Get married because you want to navigate the craziness of life with someone you feel will help make the craziness a little easier to navigate.

——

LC, I love you! Thank you for making the craziness a little easier to navigate. I’m hopeful for a future where we don’t have as much nonsense to deal with all the time. I’m hopeful our children’s other parents find peace in their lives, and we can all coparent without all the drama. I’m hopeful that our dreams manifest, and we find career paths that bring us so much joy as well as provide the benefit of financial stability. I’m hopeful that we continue to prioritize our relationship and always have each other as partners in this life. This year has been a lot. I know the future is going to be a lot as well. I stand by the vows I spoke to you on our wedding day. Here they are again, in case you needed a reminder:

“As an aspiring author, I’ve written many words.  Out of everything I’ve written down, these words are the most important to me.  I’ve been writing these words since early in our relationship even though I didn’t know it consciously back then.  Early on, I first knew I loved you when you made me turn my car around so you could save a turtle.  As our relationship progressed, I realized many other reasons why I love you.  I knew I loved you as I watched you teach H new things and have so much patience with him as he learned.   I knew I loved you when I first heard K’s full belly laugh because of something silly you did.  I knew I loved you when I first heard your sweet baby voice that you use when talking to L.  I knew I loved you the first time I saw you twirl A around a room and see you two smile at each other.  I knew I loved you when you told me you and J had inside jokes that were only between you two so quickly after meeting him.  I know I love you because of your kindness, your humor, your spontaneous and adventurous spirit, your humbleness, and gentle nature, and I know I love you because of all the little things you do to show me and our children that you love us every day.  I could go on forever about all the reasons I love you, but since people will likely want to leave soon, I’ll move on to promises.  I promise to always remind you how worthy of love you are and that I don’t take lightly the privilege that God has given me in being the one who gets to love you as your wife for as long as He lets me.  I promise I’ll try to tag along to as many fishing trips as possible throughout our marriage, but no promises that I’ll stay awake the whole time.  I promise to be your teammate in parenthood and help you continue raising the beautiful, intelligent, kind, though sometimes a little crazy, children God has blessed us with.  I promise to be consistent in annoying you with my humor and goofy antics every second possible.  I promise to be by your side as you pursue your dreams and remind you of your amazing creativity, dedicated work ethic, and delightful brain.  Lastly, I promise to honor the covenant we’re making today in front of so many people we love and trust that God knew what he was doing when he brought us together.”

——

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read these words! I hope anyone reading this finds joy in life, whether that includes being married or not!

Please Steal My Idea

I’m tired.

I’m feeling hopeless for our society.

I’m fearing for the health and wellness of so many people.

People are selfish.

There’s limited successful options offered in our society that truly help people live a quality life.

I don’t know what the answers are to help people.

There’s probably versions of my idea that exists in the world.

___________________________

I typed the above sentences months ago as a draft with the same title. It was meant as a placeholder for when I had the time to finalize my thoughts. It’s been a while, but here I am trying.

I have this idea in my head that I’ve had for a while. I’ve been telling people about it often. I would love to be associated with this idea should it come to fruition. However, I don’t necessarily have the time to put into making my idea a reality. I don’t necessarily have the knowledge for how to make my idea a reality either. So, I’d be perfectly content if someone stole my idea and used it to help others. (If you want to include me, that’d be cool too)

I currently work for a community mental health clinic. I appreciate the concept of what a community mental health clinic is meant to offer the community. They have mental health and substance use resources available for clients. They have case management services, which is what I offer, that link people to resources in the community to help meet their needs. They have peer support services that utilize people with lived experience as support for those currently going through a difficult time. They have child development education. They have support group options. I don’t know all that CMHCs are able to offer, but it’s quite a bit.

I think the idea I have would work in the realm of a concept like community mental health. I am able to offer services to clients with Substance Use Disorders (SMI) (adults/children), Serious Mental Illnesses (SMI) (adults), and Severe Emotional Disabilities (SED) (children). I believe my idea could help those categorized in any of those areas.

Basically, I believe that home cleaning services need to be offered and covered by insurances when someone is seeking mental health services.

I wrote a blog almost four years ago titled, “To Clean or Not to Clean.” (Here’s a link if you want to go check it out – https://authorarielpierce.com/2022/09/19/to-clean-or-not-to-clean/)

I am no expert, and I am not referencing any specific evidence-based information, but based on my education, work experience, and continuing education training, I believe it’s fairly safe to say that mental health and home cleanliness are tied closely together. I comment on this in the blog I mentioned. I wrote about my personal experience with my mental health and how my home tends to suffer when my brain is causing me difficulties. When I’m depressed, you can generally tell by the state of my home. When I’m doing well, mental health wise, you can generally tell by the state of my home.

This is consistent with just about every client I have encountered over the years. When they are experiencing mental health difficulties, their home tends to reflect it. When they are stressed, their home tends to reflect it. When they are overwhelmed, their home tends to reflect it. I think you get it.

I know there are likely people out there who struggle with mental health whose home is not in a poor state. There are people who can go to the opposite extreme and have to clean excessively or they feel panicked. I don’t believe I have personally worked with any clients who have this lived experience. Of course, everyone has different lived experiences and mental health experiences.

Unfortunately, for many, when mental health suffers, home hygiene is not on the top of the list of things worried about. Many people are trying to do the bare minimum to get by. It’s easy to avoid having guests and only worry about personal presentation if you’re required to leave the house.

When you receive case management services at a community mental health clinic, at least the one I work at in Kentucky, the services are voluntary, needs based, and typically referred to by the client’s therapist. If a client simply wants someone to talk to, is functioning mostly well outside of a few areas, or isn’t interested in the service, they don’t receive it.

I’ve helped quite a few clients who had issues related to the cleanliness of their home. I’ve started referring to this as addressing their home hygiene. We learn about personal hygiene as we grow up, the same should occur with our homes.

I would say generally people learn about how to take care of their home’s hygiene when they’re children. If they don’t there’s generally a few reasons.

1. Parents don’t have their children do chores because they feel bad and just do them themselves or don’t want to deal with the fight.

2. Parents are too overwhelmed and don’t fully know how to handle it themselves, so things don’t get done at all.

3. Parents use cleaning as punishment so children associate cleaning with negative feelings and don’t buy into the importance of cleaning.

There could be other reasons, but we’ll move forward operating with those three for now.

Home hygiene is overwhelming. Home hygiene is excessive. Home hygiene is repetitive. It never ends!!!!

If you’re operating off of reason one, I get it. Children have enough to worry about. It’s also annoying waiting for them to wash the dishes when you could have done it 10 minutes faster. It’s ridiculously frustrating having to listen to them whine about chores for the millionth time in their short lives.

However, children truly need to know how exhausting managing a home can be. They need to know how many random ass things there are to clean in a home. They need to know what all comes along with caring for the animal they begged to get. They need to know that they may be the only one managing all the things if they live alone or what it’s like having to co-manage a home with someone who operates differently than they do (roommates/romantic relationships/children).

If you’re operating off of reason two, I get it. Again, sometimes it’s easier to just never invite anyone over. It’s much more fun to do literally anything else but clean. I imagine you’re trying your best. You show up to work clean, who cares if the dishes are piling up, the laundry hasn’t been folded in weeks, and you step on crumbs here and there. Trust me, I’ve been there. Go read that blog I mentioned earlier.

Regardless, do you enjoy when your home is a mess? I would guess not. I know I didn’t. I hated when I couldn’t have friends over or felt ashamed cause my son pointed out that things were rough. I’ve talked with kids living in rougher situations than what my home looked like when my son pointed things out, and none of them were having a great time. As much as I know it is hard to do things at times, we don’t want our kids to fall into the same patterns we have, so they need to learn how to manage their home, even when things are tough.

If you’re operating off of reason three, I get it. You wanted to argue, you can go do this or go do that. I understand that sometimes with parenting you are floundering and finding something that works to get your kids to do the right things is difficult. Parenting ain’t for the weak. All I know is, if my husband told me I could clean the room by myself because I had an attitude one day, I’d probably lose it.

In my opinion, home hygiene needs to be the pattern that families operate on from the jump. It shouldn’t be something we turn to when kids ain’t acting right. Now if they messed something up, they need to clean it up. I’m not talking about them going around making messes and not cleaning them. I’m talking every day general home hygiene stuff. Dishes, trash, laundry, bathroom, cleaning their room, etc.

That leads me to some more details that I’m happy for anyone to steal.

I’ll preface that I feel insurance is a scam, but since that’s the system that we function under at this point, in the United States, it seems like it’s reasonable to associate this idea with insurance. If there was a way to make this idea free, that’d be ideal, but I don’t see that happening.

So, assuming this idea functions under the concept of insurance associated with services offered at a community mental health clinic, it would be a program that could be referred to by a provider. You’re receiving services and have a qualifying diagnosis that receives eligibility for additional services, then my idea is one of those additional services.

I’d like to call it, Home Hygiene Care. Literally don’t care what it’s called, so long as the concept is there to help others!

So here’s what Home Hygiene Care services would offer:

  1. Case planning to determine a plan for how to offer the services in the most effective manor.
  2. Family involvement to help establish a family routine for managing the home.
  3. An allowance for cleaning products.
  4. An allowance for organization/storage related items.
  5. Home hygiene education.
  6. Home cleaning services offered by professional cleaners.

Let me break each of these down a little more.

1. Case planning to determine how to offer the services in the most effective manor.

With most mental health services, there’s some sort of plan in place with a goal the client is working towards. Is the goal to help the client establish a home health aid because they’re disabled/elderly and can’t manage on their own or within their natural support system (family/friends/etc.)? Is the goal to help the family find a routine to function under to maintain the home hygiene needs? Is the goal to help the individual reset and maintain their home hygiene on their own? Whatever the goal is, it’s good to have one in mind.

2. Family involvement to help establish a family routine for managing the home.

In my personal opinion, every single person residing in a home should be responsible for every single thing in the home. I mean, you gotta figure out what works for you and your family, but everyone being responsible for everything limits arguing and decreases resentment. If there are children in the home, they’re going to need to learn how to do all the chores at some point, so it may sound reasonable for one child to do the dishes and one to do the dusting, but eventually the children need to learn both. I know I eventually started to get annoyed that my brother always seemed to get done faster with his chores than I did when I always did the dishes. Again, so what works for you and your family, but shared responsibility seems to be a reasonable place to operate from.

3. An allowance for cleaning products.

I think each month the client should receive an allowance for obtaining cleaning products. It would be cool if the person providing the service and the client decided on the items and ordered them together. The client can let the service provider know what worked well or what didn’t and adjust as needed.

4. An allowance for organization/storage related items.

Similar to the cleaning products, it would be cool if people had an allowance for organization/storage related items. Half the time, people’s issues are based more on misuse of space and lack of organization skills than simply being poor at home hygiene. Having a service provider that can help make the most use of a space would be ideal to truly help people function the best they can. I can’t tell you how helpful storage containers are for a space!

5. Home hygiene education.

This would play into number one and two a bit. Some people may very well know how to clean and clean well. It could just be a matter of mental ability to move forward with that task. Some people may not know how to do their own laundry, dishes, or to clean up a home in general. The education would start where the person is with their home hygiene needs. This would also tie in organization. You might think it’s silly, but some of those cleaning shoes on Netflix make so much sense! The better your systems are, the more likely you’re able to stay on top of your home hygiene. The education would also tie in a mental health component to help people when they are in the moments in their life where they truly struggle to do anything. It’s easy to say cleaning isn’t that hard. It’s not easy when you’re the person battling with your brain telling you it will be fine to put stuff off until it’s so far gone you don’t even know where to begin.

6. Home cleaning services offered by professional cleaners.

The biggest component of my idea would be professional home cleaning services. Honestly, many people just need a reset. Starting fresh is huge for people to feel they can move forward. Any client who is elegible for the service should start off with a free cleaning of their home. After this, the services would be determined based on need. Depending on the severity of the problem, the services could be every month, every quarter, or every six months.

———

The premise of this service would be that it isn’t forever. Ideally with the case planning, education, allowance for needed items, and home cleaning services a client will be set up to succeed on their own. I think a year of services would ideally be a decent amount of time for a positive step in the right direction.

If this idea already exists in the world, ignore me. But also, tell me where and how it functions! If it doesn’t, please steal my idea and/or help me make it happen!

I know it’s not practical to think that everything can be offered for free, but there is so much waste in this country, my hope would be that some money could be allocated to more ideas like this one.

Being a human is hard. I hope all you beautiful humans are doing as well as you can considering all the challenges in this crazy world!

238

It’s so odd how and when things can hit you. I realized the significance of the number 238 while working on a computer based training at my office.

The training was about the use of telehealth in therapy. Telehealth offers the ability to reduce barriers. People who can’t physically get to an office now have the ability to seek services. People who aren’t comfortable going in public now have the ability to seek services. People who have busy work schedules can easily access services when they are not able to go in person.

The point of this blog isn’t to dive into the benefits of Telehealth. I did want to mention a few positives, though, in case anyone was considering seeking services and potentially has these barriers.

If you’ve been following my content, you are likely fully aware that I have sought therapy in the past and met with one specific therapist for a little over four years while living in Texas. I adored my therapist, and I fully recognize his role in helping me get to where I am now. You are also likely aware my mental health status in Texas was not great. I have plenty of blogs that detail that if you want to check them out. I bring it up, because during a particularly rough time, my therapist and I discussed considering a psychiatrist. I met with one and took some medication. Blah blah blah. It didn’t help, but I’ve already gone through that in past blogs as well.

I’m finally at my point, haha! When I started meeting with my psychiatrist, I was about five pounds away from my highest weight. I weighed 238 pounds.

I’m going to take a moment and comment on the fact that this blog is not in any way to disparage that number. It’s not in any way attempting to speak negatively on people who weigh that much or more. It honestly has nothing to do with my weight at all when you really break it down.

It had to do with the mental weight I gave that number. I hooked on to that number and decided that medication would solve the problem. Medication would make it where I would be better and I would be able to lose the weight I had been wanting to lose for years. Guess what?! It didn’t work. My mental health continued to decline. I gained more weight. I hit my highest ever weight. I surpassed that weight by about forty pounds.

One of my first blogs commented on the struggle I have with food. A recent blog has similar sentiment as this one as well. I have no doubt that I will always struggle with food. I’m okay with that. I recognize what is difficult for me in this life, and I am working to function around it in a way that I can maintain happiness in this life.

I do want to lose weight. I have continued to work hard to lose weight. Today, I currently weigh 238 pounds. I hadn’t thought about the significance of that, until working through the training I mentioned. This week, I scheduled with my old therapist to begin therapy again. He’s now able to meet with some clients who reside out of Texas. I’m thrilled. I am not a big fan of telehealth, but it’s mostly because I prefer in person connection with people in general. When I began to think about meeting with my old therapist through telehealth, it clicked that I am the weight I was when I felt like I wanted nothing more than to no longer exist.

I wanted so badly for all of my problems to go away when I started medicine. I thought if I lost weight, it would be a sign that my mental health had improved, and I would be where I needed to be in life.

The truth is a number wasn’t ever going to be a measure for my happiness. I started bullet journaling consistently while at my highest weight. I started working diligently towards my novel while at my highest weight. I met my husband fairly close to my highest weight. While I still struggle with my mental health, I feel the happiest I’ve felt since I was a child living in ignorant bliss, still at a weight that bothered me so much in the past.

The weight was never the problem. There were numerous problems. I had limited support. I had a high stress job. I was a single parent. I was experiencing depression. I was misdiagnosed and my psychiatrist did not appear to understand how much trouble the symptoms of ADHD caused me. (I think she tried her best, so no shade to her)

I remember being frustrated yesterday when I weighed myself. I had been stuck at 238 for a number of days. Now that I think about it, I’m not even frustrated about the number. I’m frustrated that I get winded when I walk up a flight of stairs. I’m frustrated that I constantly feel tired, and I don’t always feel up for doing all of the things that our children want to do. I’m frustrated that I have headaches all the time. I’m frustrated that my body feels heavy, and sometimes it’s exhausting to exist. I imagine there are a number of things that contribute to those feelings outside of weight. My headaches have improved since I started ADHD medication. I don’t feel as exhausted when I get consistent sleep. When I’m experiencing less stress, I generally feel better.

It makes me sad that past Ariel focused so heavily on one number.

Being a mom has changed my perspective on my body and how I perceive health. It’s been such a therapeutic experience. I don’t focus as much on my physical appearance and focus more on how I feel inside. I love my body. It doesn’t matter what size I am. I’m grateful for each version of myself, and I hope to raise my children to value their minds more than they value what they look like on the outside.

Instead of “that food is junk.” I try to say, “that food gives your body less energy than other foods.” I tend to elaborate on what foods give energy and what foods don’t so the kids understand. Instead of “you need to eat more healthy food.” I try to say, “we need to eat more foods that give our body energy” and tie it into whatever they might need energy for that day (sports, playing at the park, schoolwork, etc.). Instead of “you need to eat this food because it’s good for you.” I try to say, “I understand you might not like it, but sometimes we have to eat some foods that aren’t our favorite so we can take care of our bodies.” I try to tell them it’s perfectly okay to want to eat things that give your body less energy, but it’s important to eat foods that give your body energy as well. If you only eat low energy food, you’re going to feel like you have low energy. That’s literally how I feel all the time, and I don’t want my kids to feel that way in life.

I can’t say that I’m perfect. Sometimes I slip up and call a food junk or say they’ve had too much sugar. But the point I’m trying to make is that as a society, we focus too much on what we look like and not enough on how we feel.

Enjoy your life at whatever size you are.

I really love the saying that if a person can’t change it in five seconds, you don’t need to be commenting on it. For example, if they have something in their teeth, let a person know. If they have toilet paper stuck on their shoe, let a person know. If their dress is caught in their pants, let a person know. However, there is never a circumstance commenting on someone’s weight or appearance is okay. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it in a blog somewhere, but WE DON’T TALK ABOUT PEOPLE’S BODIES. Please don’t make me talk to you like I talk to my children. If you’re an adult bully… why? Like, how is that fun for you? Does it make your life better in some way to belittle others? NOPE. Go fix whatever mental health struggles you have and leave people alone.

I digress.

You deserve to live a joyful life. Take the pictures at all the angles and happily post them. Wear whatever clothes make you happy. Love any other consenting adult you want to love. Life is so much bigger than a number on the scale. You’re worthy simply because you exist, not because you meet some standard society has tried to normalize.

Every body is different. Every body is beautiful. Every body is deserving of kindness. Every body is worthy of self love. Love yourself. You’re a beautiful person.

I am excited to get back into therapy. I don’t need it to the extent I did in Texas. I happily want to continue existing, and I am so thrilled for so much of what is going on in my life. However, I still deal with stress, and it’s nice to have support when dealing with it. I’m a stepmother now and having to deal with these sweet children’s mothers who disrespect me constantly for seemingly no other reason than existing, is exhausting. Being a mom/stepmom to five children in general is exhausting. I’m not fully where I want to be career wise and that stresses me out. I’ll happily be bringing back my rants about the state of the world that I’m sure my therapist missed, haha! Being a human can be a lot. Being a human is not easy. It’s okay to want and need therapy. If you’re questioning if you should go or not, please go! Don’t be afraid to try out multiple therapists. Not everyone is going to be a good fit, and that is okay. Hopefully you’ll find someone who is willing to support you as you figure out what works for your life. You are the expert in your life! Don’t be afraid to take control and do things that help your mental health!

I love all you beautiful humans! Be kind to yourself, you’re doing great! (Unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, sexist, etc. If you are those things, you’re not doing great. Please seek help.)

Stepparents

I want to preface what I write below by saying that everything in this blog is solely based on my perspective. There is nuance likely missing as well as the perspectives of the people I reference.

I have zero intentions of attacking anyone. I am simply writing about how I feel currently, how I felt in the past as an adult, and how I felt in the past as a child. The information I share is how I perceive or perceived certain events. If it makes someone else feel some type of way, that is something I cannot control.

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I follow some brilliant minds on social media who share evidence based information. My brain loves evidence. Recently, I’ve seen a number of people sharing about intent versus impact. The typical contexts this concept comes up in are in romantic relationships and parenting. I understand the premise, but the way it has been explained recently, by the individuals I follow, has helped me so much.

Basically, you may not intend to hurt someone, but you do. Intent doesn’t negate impact. Simply saying I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings doesn’t get rid of the fact that you did. The focus needs to be on impact rather than intent.

I’ve also learned a lot about decentering myself when it comes to my children.

In some situations, with my kiddos, instead of apologizing and attempting to address the issue, I have made it about me. I focus on the fact that they’re screaming at me or saying rude things instead of that what I did that hurt their feelings. A simple example would be, we told our kids we would try to play a board game later in the evening. The day’s events took longer than expected, and by the time we get home, it is too late in the day to play, and the kids needed to eat dinner and get ready for bed. Obviously, our intent was not to hurt our kids’ feelings, but we did. They were looking forward to playing the game and were disappointed because they didn’t get to. Sometimes, instead of recognizing their disappointment, we jump to defense mode. “We can’t control that such and such took that long,” or “We were out having fun and now you want to be rude because we’re later than we thought.” We try to get them to realize we’re not at fault rather than recognize their disappointment and help them regulate their emotions in a more effective way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it is hard to stay calm when a child is screaming at you about how awful of a parent you are because you won’t let them play a board game late at night when they have school the next day. However, focusing on your intent, often ignores the impact and makes someone feel unheard.

Another example would be if my husband said something was bothering him that I did and I immediately say “well I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” instead of saying “I’m sorry, what can I do differently next time something like this comes up?”

These are general examples, but I’m hoping they have been useful to explain the concept of intent versus impact.

Warning to my stepmother and siblings, this next bit may seem offensive. Reminder, I am speaking on my experience and feelings.

For as long as I can remember, I have held hate for my stepmother. This next picture pops into my head when I think of her.

If I talked about my stepmother, I often said I love my siblings but hate her.

All I think about when I think about my stepmother is all the things she did that hurt me. I think about how she would correct people if they said I was her daughter to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter. I think about how she referred to me as my siblings’ stepsister when I am their half-sister. I think about how she let my siblings do stuff that she wouldn’t let me, like jumping off the ladder to the pool (I don’t know why this memory stuck with me more than some others). I think about how often she screamed at me. I think about her getting drunk and then leaving my brother and I to watch our younger siblings. I think about how she told me I would never be a doctor because I was lazy. I think about the comments she made about my size (you shouldn’t buy that bathing suit, you’re too big.”)

As a kid, it’s hard to catch the nuance. It’s hard to grasp that adults are experiencing things we know nothing about. It’s hard to truly understand what it’s like to be a stepparent. It’s hard to see that maybe your birth parent isn’t the best person to be married to even though you may think they’re cooler than they are because of lack of knowledge.

I will never accept what was done to me, but I at least recognize the fact that I didn’t have all the information. I don’t hate my stepmother like I did in the past, but it’s not because she improved or we have a better relationship. I haven’t talked to her in years, honestly. I don’t hate her because I think she did the best she could based on the life she lived.

It’s easy for me to say she’s just an awful person. It’s easy for me to say she’s all at fault. What’s hard is for me saying that I was a rude ass little jerk sometimes (I’ve always been smart and 100% was probably more creative than I should have been with my rudeness). What’s hard is for me to say that my dad was not a good partner to her. What’s hard is for me to say that trying to take care of a home is difficult and she had a lot on her plate. What’s hard is for me to say that being a parent figure for children that you didn’t birth comes with a complex set of challenges. What’s hard is for me to say she had a rough upbringing from what I recall.

Yes, she absolutely could have done better. However, when you lack healthy support, have poor examples of healthy parenting, are in an unhealthy relationship, and are trying to take care of four biological kids and three stepchildren, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I did have a stepfather when I was a child, but I don’t remember too much about him. I don’t recall any bad memories. I, honestly, only have positive memories of my time with him. Regardless of my experience, my mom’s experience is what determined my involvement with him. They divorced when I was in elementary school and that was that. My mom remarried when I was an adult, so my experience with my stepfather at that point was much different as I didn’t reside in their home full time. He was kind to me when I visited, and I appreciated that very much.

One thing I will forever appreciate that my mom did is let me decide the kind of person my father was/is. She never said a single bad thing about him even though she absolutely could have. People will show you who they are, they don’t need others speaking for them. I have one positive memory of my dad. I think it was the only time I ever spent time alone with him that lasted longer than a few minutes here and there. He took me to a glass museum, and we made glass art together. I love that memory.

Unfortunately, that memory is outweighed by the memories that traumatized me. I remember his hands around my throat for me being rude to my stepmother. I remember all the times he asked me and my siblings to grab him a beer out of the fridge. I remember all the times we were left alone with my stepmother because he went to the bar. I remember him telling me I was lazy. I remember him telling me I was fat. I remember him telling me I wasn’t smart enough to become a doctor. I remember him telling me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I was backwards like the rest of the people from Kentucky (he didn’t live in Kentucky).

I didn’t need my mom to tell me anything about him. She apologized each time I told her about the things he did or said. She said she hoped he would be different to my brother and I than he was to her. I’ve since learned he actually was better to us than he was to her, but it still wasn’t great.

After my experience with my dad and stepmother, I really wasn’t certain if I wanted to be a mother, and I knew for certain that I didn’t want to be a stepmother. I always wished I only ever had two parents, and I didn’t want another child to feel the same about me. I didn’t want to ruin their image of the family they imagined.

When I got married at 19, I was so hopeful about having the family I imagined and loved that I would only ever be married to one person. If you’ve followed my content, you know that this did not happen. We didn’t have any children, thankfully. However, it still changed me. I started to realize nuance. I started to realize that life is much more complex than the experiences in my head. The world is so much more beautiful and complicated than I could ever properly perceive.

None of the people I was in a relationship with in my 20s had children. During my online dating phase, I talked to a couple people with children, but it never got to the point where I met anyone’s child. I still had not decided if I was actually okay with the idea of being with someone that had a child or children. It was absolutely hypocritical, considering I had a child myself, but all I could picture is a child telling me they hated me because I was not their mom.

Yes, I am now a stepmother. That’s been well known if you’ve followed my writing long enough. Before I jump into my experience as a stepmother, let me share a bit about my experience with my son having a stepmother.

My son’s father messaged me one day telling me he had a new girlfriend. I will leave out his exact wording, but it wasn’t great. I didn’t have an issue with the girlfriend aspect. I was happy for him. I did immediately react with frustration though. My son’s father was not a consistent presence for the majority of our son’s first six years. He saw him a handful of times, but there was a multiple year stretch where my son did not see his father in person. He also barely saw him on the phone. The lack of consistency bothered me. I would tell him he could call anytime, and he wouldn’t. I would tell him he could come see him, and he wouldn’t. I would invite him to things, and he wouldn’t be there. Sure, some of the issue was that we resided in different states, but in my opinion, you should be able to call your child, especially when I tried not to intentionally prevent him from the contact, outside of trying to set a consistent schedule at times.

After working with Child Protective Services (CPS), I knew it would never be in me to keep my son’s father from him. Generally, kids want to be around their parents, even when they don’t make the best choices. I knew my son’s father would not put our son in harm’s way. I made the assumption he would disappoint him, but I can’t function off of assumptions. Just like my mom did for me, I planned to let my son have the opportunity to build whatever relationship with his father that he wanted. Maybe he would make better choices. I prayed that he made better choices.

When I found out about my son’s father’s girlfriend being pregnant, I didn’t handle that as gracefully. I told him I didn’t want him shoving another child in our son’s face when he barely talks to our son. I told him he could call still, but I didn’t want him to mention the girlfriend or this child to him until he could be consistent himself. I caved pretty quickly. Who was I to prevent a relationship between my son and his brother? Not that his father called much more after that, but I do love the pictures of my son and his brother on Facetime. He never talked to his dad’s girlfriend on Facetime prior to meeting her, but it was never brought up, so I just kinda ignored it and honestly preferred it.

I absolutely had thoughts like “how you gonna have a child with a man that doesn’t even have a relationship with his other child?!” I met my son’s father’s girlfriend for the first time about a week before Thanksgiving, shortly after she gave birth to my son’s second brother. It was not really planned, but I think the spontaneity helped ease the anxiety about the situation. Honestly, she seemed delightful. I loved her energy, and she seemed so intelligent and kind.

It’s so easy to think negative thoughts about someone you don’t really know. It was so easy of me to judge her when I didn’t know anything about her circumstances or the kind of person my son’s dad was to her. My thoughts don’t really matter when it comes to her life. I didn’t see her again until Easter of the following year. She texted me randomly and asked if I wanted to bring my son to an Easter event, she planned to bring her children to. My initial thought was NOPE. My anxiety tried to overpower what was in the best interest of my son. I agreed to go and even brought my stepdaughter and one of her friends. It was a great experience. It helped that it was just the two of us. adult wise, and our partners were not present. I got to know more about her, and I continued to believe that she seemed like a great person. We shared similar education backgrounds, had a heart for foster care, and genuinely just had no issues with having something to talk about.

Since then, I’ve learned that my son’s dad is engaged to the woman I’ve been writing about. We text fairly regularly. She’s shown up for my son’s sporting events. She’s picked my son up and spent time with my son even when his dad was out of town. She’s shown the kind of person she is, and I’m grateful to have her in my son’s life. My son calls her mom now.

Oof, don’t freak out. I know some people are not a fan of stepparents being referred to as mom/dad. I was not a fan initially either. That was before I started to get to know her. That was before I had the chance to see her show up for my son. That was before I started to see more about what she’s experienced and understand her perspective. After hearing my stepmother correct people to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter and not her biological daughter, I’m grateful that my son feels comfortable enough to call his stepmother mom. He talks more about her than his dad. He seems to be receiving love he deserves while in her care. I never want my son to feel even a fraction of the hurt I felt every time my stepmom distanced herself from me. I felt like I was trash that she had no other choice but to deal with. I wish I had been more understanding initially, but it was easy to pretend she didn’t exist and was an awful person when we lived in another state, never had contact, and I didn’t know anything about her.

My intention initially was to protect my son, but my impact was different. Had I been more understanding and calm, things could have gone differently. I centered my frustration, instead of centering my son. Sure, I didn’t prevent my son’s father from having contact, but I wasn’t the most receptive about the situation either.

My son’s dad still frustrates me. I haven’t always responded kindly, but I’m working on it. I’m trying to not be snarky, but it’s hard as hell. Coparenting is not for the weak. I need to be better about centering my son, instead of centering the hurt I feel when my son’s dad doesn’t do what I deem is right. I imagine my son is going to experience disappointment from me and his dad. It’s inevitable. We’re human and definitely don’t always do everything right. I am writing this because I don’t want to keep experiencing the negative emotions I feel when I think about coparenting with my son’s father. I don’t want my son’s stepmother to feel some type of way because I put her in the middle as if she is at fault for her partner’s choices. I know it’s going to take effort from all four of the parents involved with my son, but I can only control myself.

I’m writing this as accountability to myself. I want to always work on being a better person. I want to function with kindness. I want to center my children and help them to feel loved regardless of if I am still feeling some type of resentment. I hope my son’s stepmother knows how much I’m grateful for her. I hope she knows her worth as a person. I hope she knows that my son and I love her. I’m working on getting better at showing that to her even if I’m frustrated. As humans, we’re likely not always going to agree on things, but that doesn’t warrant disrespect. I’m hopeful for a future where we can all be in the same place and all my son feels is love and joy exuding from all four of his parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a stepmother. This experience inspired me to write this blog. Being a stepmother has helped fill in some of the nuance I missed from my experience as a stepchild. It makes me a little more frustrated but also a little bit more understanding. Frustrated because these children are amazing, brilliant, silly, clever, and bring sunshine to our lives, and I don’t understand why my stepmother didn’t seem to see that in me. Understanding because coparenting is hard, they sometimes do things that are challenging, and you’re limited as a stepparent in your ability to function fully how you would prefer as a parent.

I can’t speak to the experiences of my stepchildren’s mothers. I don’t know much about them. I don’t know what they’ve been through. I don’t know what trauma they may have experienced. I don’t know how my husband treated them when they were together. All I know is what I see now. Honestly, I’m straight up having a terrible time. I try to understand some of their emotions, based on my initial thoughts regarding my son’s stepmother, but it’s hard.

Each experience with meeting/getting to know my stepchildren has been different. The oldest one happened with such ease. I feel like we bonded fast and get along so well. The middle one happened unexpectedly. She came to reside with us full time due to an unforeseen circumstance. She’s a bit more reserved, but she started calling me mom basically from day one, and based on experience in foster care, we told her she could call me whatever made her feel comfortable but made sure her mother’s role was prioritized and she would always be her mother, regardless of the circumstances. The youngest one took a bit more time. We met at a park and had a great time. Based on her age, she didn’t fully understand who I was, but that wasn’t really important. We weren’t trying to have a conversation about roles, we just had fun with her. I feel we have a great relationship. I feel the relationships I’ve been able to build with my stepchildren all have been so much more than I could have pictured as a child never wanting to be a stepmother.

I know I could never hurt them like I was hurt. I know I could never make them feel less than like I felt. I know I could never intentionally cause them pain. I know that I will always prioritize them, just like I prioritize my biological son and adopted son. I know that I will show up for them just like I show up for my sons. I know that I will be there for them however I can.

Unfortunately, their mothers aren’t my biggest fans. Two of their mothers have texted that I am nothing to their children. I have been insulted with such vitriol that I sometimes start to question myself. It has been requested multiple times that I not be around their children, transport their children, or say anything to defend my husband because, again, I am nothing. My youngest stepchild tells me often that “My mommy says you’re not my mom,” she’s told my son, “My mommy says you’re not my brother,” and she’s told my husband, “My mommy says that this isn’t my home and that her house is my home.” These statements were all made randomly. Their mothers have actively tried to stop my husband from having contact with their children because I am around. They’ve lied multiple times and stand strong on the lies, even when evidence is shown to the contrary.

Again, I’ve tried to be understanding, but it’s hard. They claim their intent is to protect their children. But what about the impact? I see the anxiety in their children’s eyes when they accidentally call me mom and quickly correct. A scenario I feared might happen happened not long ago. My oldest saw a friend and their mom in public. During the conversation, the mom asked if the four kids that were with me were mine. At the time, I had my son and my oldest stepdaughter and then my stepdaughter’s best friend and her little sister. I said that my son and stepdaughter were mine and the other two were best friends. I saw my oldest stepdaughter’s eyes. You could tell she didn’t know what to do. She laughed and said she was kinda mine. I’ve talked to her about it since then and asked for her preference if that happens. She said she’s okay with me saying she’s mine. (Not exactly how she said it, she said she didn’t care either way, lol)

I don’t care what their mother’s think of me. Well, that’s not true. I actually do care, very much. I hate that they think negatively of me. I hate that there’s so much conflict all the time, for seemingly no reason. I hate that our children all will likely pick up on it if things don’t improve. I know they have pain I know nothing about, but I will never do to their children what was done to me. When they’re with me, I will always claim them as mine. I will never sit there and try to explain to strangers which child is biologically mine and which is only “mine” because I married their father.

Children don’t tend to know about intent. They only experience impact. They don’t know that their parents have feelings they know nothing about and that’s why they’re acting a certain way. They don’t know that maybe their mom or dad treated their other parent poorly and that’s why they’re speaking negatively about someone they love. They don’t know the significance of a title and that sometimes it feels some type of way to hear someone else be referred to as that title.

Kids are smart, but they miss out on the nuance. Kids just want to experience love. Kids don’t care about titles. They care about who shows up and loves them the way they need. I hug my stepchildren when they scrap their knee or something upsets them and they reach for me, just like I would my sons. I hear about their interests and dreams just like I do my sons. I tell them I love them, give them hugs and kisses, and tell them good morning and goodnight every day they’re with us. I sit in the audience of all their events. I do everything as if they were my own. I hope they always experience love and joy when they’re with me. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my stepmother. I wish I had a better relationship with my father. It hurts me to know that I likely won’t have a healthy relationship with them. What I can control right now is how I show up for my children. I know that I’m simply trying to love all the children I care for, whether that’s as a biological mother, stepmother, or the mom/stepmom of one of my kids’ friends. I know that I will do everything in my power to help my husband have the relationship his children deserve to have with him. I know that I will do everything I can to keep making efforts for my son to have a relationship with his father and stepmother.

For anyone who is a stepparent or is experiencing their child be around a stepparent, remember the nuance. Remember that our jobs are to center our children, love them the way they deserve, and surround them with others who love them just as much. I know it’s hard. I don’t claim to be perfect and have not handled everything how I should have. Try your best and do things with kindness. Hopefully things will work out!

I’m fully aware some people over step boundaries. Again, nuance. Assuming both parents are showing up how they need to show up, a stepparent loving a child isn’t going to cause any harm. I’m fully aware every situation is different and all people are different. Center your child/children, process any resentment/hurt you have for your child’s other parent, get to know the people in your child’s/children’s lives before judging, and things will hopefully be better for everyone.

I love all you beautiful humans! Keep showing up for those you love, but don’t forget to love yourself as well! Being a human is hard, but you’re doing great! (Unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, or intentionally causing harm because you’re mad, etc… then you need to be better)

Evidence

Picture it. It’s Christmas Eve. Your children have been asleep for a reasonable amount of time for you to step in and begin to finalize the Christmas magic. You put the presents under the tree. You fill the stockings. You take a bite out of the cookies and drink all the milk left for “Santa.” You maybe leave some tracks that look like Santa’s footprints or reindeer hooves. Then you leave a little note from Santa thanking your children for the snacks and for being so “nice” that year.

What would you call all that?

I’d call it evidence. It’s evidence that Santa exists. It’s evidence of Christmas magic your sweet children can’t even begin to understand. Without all the theatrics in December (even earlier for many) there would not be much reason for children to believe Santa exists.

Christmas music plays everywhere you go. Christmas movie marathons are on every channel (if you haven’t gone completely stream based). Schools host Christmas pageants and hype up the holiday spirit. “Santa’s” face is everywhere you look. You wait in line to get pictures with him for goodness sakes.

With all this “evidence” around, children don’t tend to question their parents for some time about the legitimacy of Santa.

It’s not until they start to be able to notice holes in your story or find counter evidence of their own that the “magic” begins to simply become reality.

You forgot to leave a note. They didn’t get the gift they asked Santa for. They see you putting the gifts under the tree when they got up to use the bathroom. Their friend has a magical elf but they don’t.

Without supportive evidence, Santa doesn’t really make any sense. Our brains like what we can see, but we can easily be convinced something exists if someone we trust tells us it does and creates enough “evidence” to back it up.

Most people believe someone loves them when the evidence backs it up. Their partner listens to them. Their partner shows up for important life events. Their partner says affirming statements. Their partner surprises them with an item or activity they enjoy. Their partner helps care for them when they’re ill. If someone’s partner is rarely around, doesn’t really speak much when they’re ill, forgets important aspects of their life, and isn’t there in times of need, that person is likely not going to believe they are loved even if the person says they do.

Evidence. It could also be considered actions. However you want to classify a verified way to show that something is true.

Jobs expect evidence that you’re doing your job correctly. The government requires evidence to show you are who you say you are. Schools require evidence to show you’re learning the information that is being taught. Evidence is required/preferred all throughout our lives, even if we’re not actively thinking about it.

I’m assuming if you read this far you may be wondering about the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to help people.

Over the last 10ish years of my life, I have worked with the community to help people though hard periods in their lives. I worked for Child Protective Services (CPS) in Texas for seven years. Now I work for a Community Mental Health Clinic.

Honestly, the system is not designed to fully help those struggling. The system can’t easily fix people’s biggest problems which was/is almost always lack of money and lack of support.

Yes, illegal substances were involved in the majority of cases I worked in CPS. Yes, some clients I work with now have a substance use history. The reality is, a major barrier for people overcoming substance usage is that they lack healthy support and money to address problems in their lives that tend to trigger them to use.

Despite the difficulties and barriers, I have seen many fight their hardest to do things even without the finances and support they need. I have seen many fight despite having awful legal representation. I have seen people fight and no one believed them. I have seen people fight and listened to others cut them down or say it will never be enough. I have seen individuals who represent the state lie and be believed because of who they represent.

The judicial system is not fair. A judge can do pretty much do whatever they want to do if they’re creative enough with how they do it. Some give grace. Some don’t. It can depend on their mood, whether an election is upcoming, or who the case is involving. Also a case is only as strong as the evidence presented. Even if it’s not true, if you make a compelling enough argument, you may be able to convince the jury or judge to doubt. In a lot of cases, doubt is enough to ruin a person. A parent can be trying their hardest but if no one has the evidence, it doesn’t matter.

Unfortunately, I’m sure there are parents out there who would not speak highly of me. I did have to testify and make recommendations to permanently remove parental rights for parents who the evidence suggested were not safe. I tried to tell all the parents I worked with that I would do everything in my power to help them. I tried to tell them that all I do is report evidence. I tried to tell them that I would not do anything to harm them, but simply report to the court the facts. Sometimes the facts didn’t look great for them. I live with their faces in my head forever now. Terminating a parents rights is horrific. I hated it, but I also know that I did so with the children’s best interests in mind. I tried to tell the parents that their children would be adults some day and hopefully they can be in a better position to still be present in their children’s lives. I strongly advocated for family placements and for foster parents to do everything in their power to keep biological family involved if they weren’t necessarily safe to be caregivers.

I reported a few concerns during my time at CPS. Racist workers. Homophobic workers. Straight liars. Unfortunately, more often than not excuses were made to justify that person’s actions, they moved to a county where their behavior is more tolerable, or they were my superior, and I was accused of being hostile.

I left CPS about two years ago. My husband’s child’s other parent became involved in a Department of Community Based Services (DCBS) case last year. While the case has since closed, I experienced what it was like to be on the other side of a caseworker visit. Unfortunately, it was a horrific experience. The workers were unprofessional, falsified documentation, lied about having conversations with my husband, and honestly completely ignored child safety. I reported the concerns over and over, and I have no reason to believe anything was done as the concerns only increased the higher up the chain I had to go.

Through my current position, I have seen parents be mistreated, ignored, and honestly talked about as if they were the scum of the Earth.

There’s quite a bit of nuance to this, but I don’t trust DCBS in my town. I don’t trust CPS in Texas. In saying that, I met so many phenomenal workers during my time at CPS, and I know there’s bound to be at least one decent person that works for DCBS where I live now.

Like I stated, I’m writing this blog to help. I don’t want to increase anyone’s anxiety, because if you’re like me, you’ve probably already got enough. However, unfortunately, you should be cautious when it comes to systems. Black families around the country already have to tell their children to be cautious as it is, so this isn’t a surprise to Black people.

I’m not saying there aren’t good people in systems trying to help, so don’t come for me. I already know. However, it often doesn’t matter how good you are when you’re at the bottom barely being listened to and overwhelmed trying to help all the people being crushed.

I need anyone who reads this to truly look at the heart of what I’m writing. Everyone deserves support, but not everyone can access the same support or has the knowledge to stand up for themselves. Attorneys deserve to be paid, but they’re expensive. Your child can be ripped from you and if you can’t afford an attorney, who knows what could happen.

I’m writing this for everyone, but I’m really writing it for those who lack effective/healthy support and are in the unfortunate position of standing up for themselves alone or who have lackluster support/representation. I love my husband, but if he didn’t have me with the experience that I had, he would have been absolutely f***ed by the system and how horrific these people attempted to treat him. I wouldn’t let it happen to him, and I’m not going to let it happen to others if I can do something to prevent it!

I know this is long, but please hang in there. A few comments I need to add before I get to my suggestions.

This is NOT legal advice. I am NOT an attorney. I am simply making suggestions that I feel may help in the event you find yourself involved with a system. This is all based on my experience working in a system and as a person impacted by a system’s involvement with my family. I highly suggest legal representation if you can obtain it!

Okay, so now I’m going to list my suggestions. Here we go:

1. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Anytime a system is involved with you, they should be documenting that involvement in their system. You should be doing the same thing. Honestly, if they can, why can’t you? I literally documented every visit DCBS made to our home, phone call, email, and text message in a Microsoft word document. Yes, I have been trained how to document. Many of you won’t have that experience. So, let me tell you what’s important. Write down the date and the time of the contact. Write down the full name of the person(s) who contacted you. Write down the purpose of the contact. Was it a home visit? Was it to let you know of a court date? Was it to let you know of a service they are setting up for you or your family? Whatever the purpose, write it down. If they asked you questions, write them down and what you responded. If you don’t anticipate remembering after the contact, keep a notebook and write it down during the contact. If they don’t like that, who cares! You’re protecting you and your family and have every right to take the time to ensure what is being discussed is documented properly. Ask for the status of your case and document their response.

2. TEXT OR EMAIL OVER CALLS.

This goes along with documenting everything. Systems love phone calls. If there’s proof they called a number, that looks good in court. However, they can document anything they want that occurred in the phone call. They also love to count that as connecting with you and will try to do that over in person visits if they can. Try to avoid long phone calls if you can. Ask for them to text or email the purpose of their call and then respond back to them your answer in text or email. This protects you so you have proof of what was said in court and you don’t tend to find yourself in a he said/she said battle where the people with badges tend to be believed.

3. RECORD.

Honestly, it was a little frustrating to have a camera in my face, but the reality is, I appreciate people trying to protect themselves. I function as if I’m being recorded. I try to be the same everywhere I go. I ain’t trying to lie and harm people. However, many people will and do so happily. Unless there is documentation stating you are not allowed to record, RECORD! If they say you can’t record, then ask for written proof of why. If they provide it, and you don’t feel comfortable proceeding with the conversation, then don’t. If they try to use that against you and say you refused to cooperate, you can say you didn’t feel comfortable because you didn’t have support or the ability to record to protect yourself.

4. DON’T GO TO MEETINGS ALONE.

If you’re meeting with a worker from a system, don’t do it alone. If you don’t have an option, then either record, or don’t go. If you choose not to go, DOCUMENT! Send an email or text to the people who requested the meeting with the reason being that you don’t feel comfortable without support or being allowed to record. Having at least one other person to back you up is helpful if someone attempts to say something happened you know didn’t happen. Is a court going to believe you or multiple CPS people? Unfortunately, without proof, they’re likely not going to believe you. If you have a second person backing you up, it creates doubt. Now, I have had plenty of cases where a client has support and they’re all straight lying. Let’s not do that. I’m writing this with positive intent, not to use it as a manipulative tool. If you’re wrong, admit you’re wrong. I promise if you lie and get away with it, you’re risking a lot if you keep trying to push it. The truth generally finds its way to the light.

5. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

I don’t actually mean do not sign anything, but pretty close. If you can’t read, please for the love of humanity, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING! I imagine if you can’t read, you’re not reading this. So, for anyone who loves someone who can’t read, PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR LOVED ONE WHO CANNOT READ SIGN ANYTHING! Ask for it to be noted that you refuse to sign based on inability to read and then for a copy of that note to be provided. Even if you can’t read it, your signature at least won’t be on it. If the document is not in your primary language, DO NOT SIGN IT! I don’t care if it was interpreted. Absolutely not. If someone wants you to sign something, it needs to be in your language. I promise they can pay for the document to be translated. If the document is not final, DO NOT SIGN IT! The DCBS staff attempted to use that one against us in court. They said we refused to sign one of their plans but they clearly stated their handwritten version was not the final document. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I don’t sign documents that aren’t final when a system is involved. I have no reason to believe they won’t add something I didn’t agree to. If the document is final, in your primary language, and you can read and feel comfortable signing, then that’s up to you. If you don’t have legal representation, you can say you would prefer to sign following review by your legal counsel and have that noted as your reason for not signing. If you do sign without legal counsel, request a copy of the document. If they say they’ll have to get it to you later, DO NOT SIGN! They should have a copy available for you. If they don’t, they need to do better. If they tell you that you’re not allowed to have a copy, DO NOT SIGN. What do you mean I can’t have a copy of something I signed? ABSOLUTELY NOT! That’s a lie and sketchy as hell. Again, another thing DCBS tried to pull on my husband. He signed something before asking for a copy, they tried to pull that, and I asked for his signature to be revoked and then they let me scan a copy. Yes, I reported it. No, nothing was done about it. If you sign it, please just make sure you get a copy. You are allowed to refuse signature and still request a copy that way you are fully aware of the reason for refusal. They’re going to paint you as difficult, as they did us, but if you have a justified reason, hopefully the court will understand.

6. KEEP BACK UP RECORDS.

Phones can get damaged. Passwords can be forgotten. Technology is not always reliable. I am a binder girlie. I know people hate to see me coming with a binder nowadays. I’m not playing with people. If you have text messages, screenshot them and print them out. If you have emails, print them out. If you have any type of evidence you want a court to see, print it out! You’re rarely allowed to have your phone with you, but you can bring paper. Bring your evidence and stand up for yourself! Send copies to your family and friends if you have to. Send copies to everyone involved in your case. The more people who have copies of the evidence, the better.

7. SAVE CALL ATTEMPTS.

A lot of times, it’s on you to set up services recommended by a system. They say they’ll help, but more often than not, it’s on you. Sure, there can be arguments made about accountability, but regardless, it’s likely going to be on you at the end of the day. If you call and are not successful, screenshot the call attempt and then forward that info in an email or text to the system you’re working with immediately. If you don’t have a device that can screenshot, then still send an email stating you tried to call and you don’t have a device that can screenshot. Basically, “I tried to call such and such place but I didn’t get an answer. Any support to get this set up is appreciated.” If you have a record of your attempts and notification to the system of the attempts, you can back yourself up in court when someone tries to say you haven’t done what you’re supposed to do. I had a client accused of not doing drug testing, but when I asked their worker where and when they had been set up they said they haven’t set them up yet. You best believe I checked them on that. How you going to say this parent isn’t drug testing when you haven’t requested them to do so?

8. KEEP EMOTIONS LIMITED/STICK TO FACTS.

You best believe the DCBS staff I encountered were called every name I could think of inside my head. In person, I attempted to stick to facts. Sometimes I snapped a little, but I snapped with facts. Systems have no issues attempting to paint you as the crazy one. Even if you’re correct, you come at people with curse words, threats, or perceived hostility, they’re going to paint you as the problem. They’re going to do it even if you’re pleasant, but it’s going to be much harder for you if you’re not. I’ve heard of a few parents concerned about bullying of their kids in school and feeling as if the schools weren’t doing enough. One of these sweet parents is quick to get spicy. I’ve tried to help them reel it in and redirect their valid concerns into productive results. DCBS did not like that I had the knowledge to counter their poor behaviors and they attempted to present me as the problem. I had the evidence to back up that this was not the case. I had the patience to back up that this was not the case. Keep your emotions in check, and come at things with facts and evidence. Emotions are opinions. Facts are facts. You can think someone is a bitch but the why you think that is more important. This person is concerning because they didn’t come to your home to see the child for three months, they falsified documentation, they lied about talking to you for an hour when the record indicates 10 minutes, they attempted to not give you a copy of a document you signed. (Yes, all of this happened to us)

———

If you got here, bless you. I appreciate you sticking around. I’m hopeful you won’t find yourself having to use these suggestions, but if you do, I hope they’re helpful. At the end of the day, if you’re moving with intention to keep you and your family safe, you’re doing the best you can.

It’s not easy dealing with failing systems. I hope you find the people out there who actually care, but if you don’t, stay strong. Get informed. Find healthy support and DOCUMENT! Evidence is what helps most people at the end of the day.

Thank you to the helpers who actually care about the people the systems they work with impact. Keep doing the good work!

I love all you beautiful humans. Stay safe out there!

30 Questions to Ask Your Partner, Part 3!

I cried on Thursday of this week (I’m writing this on Saturday).  I realized on Thursday that I did not publish a blog the previous day.  I decided at the first of the year that I would publish a blog every seven days.  I’ve been trying to accomplish bucket list item number 54, “Write a blog a week at least one year.”

Every seven days would mean each Wednesday of the year I would need to publish a blog.  I work a full-time job, I’m a wife, my husband and I have five kids, and we’re just crazy busy.  The idea sounded good initially, but I realized on Thursday that Wednesday is a terrible day to try to have as a deadline.  I had every intention to write a blog; I have twelve drafts waiting for me to finish. 

Wednesdays are probably my least favorite day of the week.  If you know, you know.  If you don’t, just be glad you don’t have to deal with what we deal with on Wednesdays.  Anyways, technically, I have written a blog every full week of the year so far, considering January 1st was on a Thursday.  I’ve decided, since it’s my bucket list and I can do what I want, that I’m pushing my deadline each week to Saturday.  Hopefully this will help!  If not, I tried my best and will try again next year. 

I have been trying to decide what to write because if nothing is posted today, then everything I wrote above would be irrelevant.  I do have 12 drafts, but none of them are flowing how I want yet, so I’m starting with an idea that came to my mind. 

Today is Valentine’s Day!  It’s the second with my husband, and it looks quite a bit different than last year.  Last year we took a mini trip together and spent some time traveling on our own.  This year we spent the day with two of our kiddos (technically three, but teenagers don’t find hanging out with their parents as cool as a seven and four-year-old do).  Today has been a lot of fun (it’s still in progress)!  We got Valentine’s themed nail polish and matching hair ties for the three of us girls.  My husband and I are wearing matching T-shirts.  It’s been adorable. 

I mention all this, because your life can change a lot in a short amount of time.  When I posted my first “30 Questions to Ask Your Partner” blog, I was single.  When I posted my second, I was single.  I thought it would be fun to post another now that I’m in a relationship.  I’m not just in a relationship, though, I’M MARRIED!  How crazy?  

If y’all have been following me recently, you know I’ve written a few blogs that mention my husband.  I LOVE this man.  He’s my best friend.  I’m trying to keep this man FOREVER. 

Relationships aren’t easy.  I went into my first relationship as an adult with such an innocent mindset.  I know now that there is so much more to a relationship than those initial feelings of excitement.  I think most people know that, but sometimes when you’re in a relationship, you’re an idiot.  It’s important to talk about the things you may not think about when you’re in the idiot phase of a relationship, haha.

So, while most of the questions in the first two parts were silly, I’m going to try to have a more serious version for part three. 

My marriage hasn’t been perfect, but it’s pretty close.  If the outside world would chill the heck out, we’d be golden, honestly.  I want healthy relationships for the whole world.  I want everyone, if they want to, to find an amazing partner like mine.  It’s going to take patience, for sure, but relationships are worth the effort. 

Seriously, though.  My husband and I put a lot of work into our relationship.  We have no interest in letting the other go.  So, here I am with some question ideas to help you decide if your relationship is worth going the distance in!

  1. Do you like to shower alone or together?
  2. What is your dream job?
  3. Do you have any previous partners that are still involved in your life?
  4. What are your thoughts about therapy?
  5. Do you want children/more children?
  6. How often do you do your laundry?
  7. Do you clean out your hairbrush often or ignore it until it’s weird?
  8. How long would you ideally live where you live now?
  9. Do you like to cook or eat out?
  10. What do you do to ease stress?
  11. How often would you prefer to have sex?
  12. Do you know what overstimulated means?
  13. What’s a guilty pleasure you find yourself buying often?
  14. Do you believe in spanking children?
  15. What is your perspective on physical affection aside from sex?
  16. Do you have any health goals you’re working towards or want to work towards?
  17. Would you participate in a hobby I like but you don’t like as much?
  18. Do you need space or connection when you’re upset?
  19. How would you feel if your child reported they were LGBTQ+?
  20. Do you vote?  Why or why not?
  21. How do you like to decorate your space?
  22. Are you an indoor or outdoor person?
  23. Do you have a habit anyone has mentioned is annoying?
  24. How do you like to be celebrated on your birthday?
  25. What do your family holidays look like?
  26. Do you have any handy skills?
  27. Are you interested in traveling?
  28. Do you have any thoughts on saving money?
  29. What does your bedtime routine look like?
  30. Do you attend a church/are you religious?

——

If you’ve read the previous two parts, you’ll know that I have to go back through and explain my reasoning behind these questions.  So, here we go!

1. Do you like to shower alone or together?

I’m a showering together girlie.  It’s such a peaceful time with my husband.  Sometimes it’s the one moment we’re alone during a day outside of cuddling up to go to sleep.  I highly suggest showering with your spouse.  Physical affection may not be important to everyone, so you gotta do you, but it’s fun!

2. What is your dream job?

Does your partner want to move across the world to achieve their dream?  Is their dream job to be president and come with a lot of stress?  It’s important to know what your partner may be interested in doing and if you’re going to be up for joining them for the ride. 

3. Do you have any previous partners that are still involved in your life?

Is there an ex hanging around that might cause issues?  Does your partner have children whose other parent might contribute to arguments in your relationship?  Is there a plan for what contact looks like between their previous partner and you as their new partner?

4. What are your thoughts about therapy?

Does your partner understand the value of addressing any past traumas?  Does your partner value seeking expert advice during tough times?  Do they think therapy is stupid and think they should just tough it out.  If you have differing opinions on this, that’s likely going to cause y’all some problems.

5. Do you want children/more children?

If they don’t want children and you do, you should probably just end the relationship.  There’s no sense in hoping maybe they’ll change their mind.  That’s just causing you pain that is not necessary.  Go find someone that’s in the same headspace as you regarding children.  If they want more children, are they involved with the children they already have?  If not, are you sure you want to have more with them?  That doesn’t seem logical. 

6. How often do you do your laundry?

This one has been a struggle for my husband and I!  We don’t really have a schedule and we have five children, so it sometimes overwhelms us.  Not having a schedule has created a few times when we’re frustrated because we don’t have any clean pants or the pile of clean clothes has sat for a few days and we’re all digging in it trying to find socks.  It might be important to know your partner’s plans for addressing these obligations.

7. Do you clean out your hairbrush often or ignore it until it’s weird?

This one makes me giggle.  My husband is always telling me how annoying it is that I don’t clean out my hairbrush.  I don’t know what to tell him, haha!  My ADHD just does not let me care about it past the act of brushing my hair.  I mean, at least I take care of my hair.  He cleans out all our hairbrushes for us.  He’s awesome for that.  It might be helpful to know if your potential spouse is willing to do the weird stuff you neglect to help you out. 

8. How long would you ideally live where you live now?

If your partner wants to stay where they are and never move, but you’d like to explore new places, that’s likely going to cause issues at some point.  It’s probably good to address this one quickly.

9. Do you like to cook or eat out?

This is helpful to address finances.  If someone prefers eating out, that could get expensive.  If neither of you know how to cook, that could become an issue.  If only one of you likes to cook, is the one who likes to cook okay with doing most of the cooking? 

10. What do you do to ease stress?

Do they scream and punch things?  You should probably leave if so.  Do they go for walks?  Do they journal?  Do they ignore you?  Do they talk to you?  This one is so important.  If they can’t handle stress or don’t have any coping skills, that is going to be a major problem.  Stress is going to come, and you and your partner need to know how y’all are going to handle it when it comes. 

11. How often would you prefer to have sex?

Sex is important in a marriage, at least I think so.  If that’s not your thing, you might want to check how your partner feels about that.  Life can get busy, and if you aren’t paying attention, you and your spouse can end up neglecting your relationship because you’re not connecting through physical affection.  When talking with people about relationships, it’s pretty common that when they report there are problems, sex is not occurring.  If you talk about your desires, you’re hopefully less likely to miss the cues from your spouse about when they want/need sex.

12. Do you know what overstimulated means?

Oh man.  If they don’t know, they need to know.  Sometimes my husband be goofing off with me and trying to stick his fingers in my nose or something else goofy.  When the kids have been all up in my space or my body just feels weird, him trying to do goofy stuff just isn’t it for me.  Most other times, I don’t mind.  There are just times when overstimulation can cause conflict if your spouse can’t read your cues.

13. What’s a guilty pleasure you find yourself buying often?

My husband loves to buy Coca Colas.  Sometimes I’m like, bro, you don’t need to be buying a Coca Cola right now.  It’s not necessarily one time that’s an issue, but if money is ever tight, and they’re buying something often, it could become an issue.  That was the only example I could come up with, but you get the concept. 

14. Do you believe in spanking children?

If one of you does and the other doesn’t, it’s going to cause problems.  It’s unavoidable, regardless of whether you think it won’t.  I promise it will.  Those are some pretty significant belief differences.  Talk about it.  This is a big one to determine if a relationship is likely to work or not, in my opinion.

15. What is your perspective on physical affection aside from sex?

I love touching my husband.  I’m not out here being weird in public or anything.  I just love to hold his hand, hug him, touch his beautiful face.  Anything really.  And I know there’s all kinds of couples’ videos out there that show women enjoying when their husbands slap their butt.  I am no different.  My husband is very similar.  His hands are usually on me if I’m around him.  There’s just something about sweet affection that we love.  If you don’t like to be touched but your spouse does, that could easily become a problem. 

16. Do you have any health goals you’re working towards or want to work towards?

If you’re not content with your body, that may contribute to issues in your relationship.  I’ve personally experienced insecurities that I’ve assumed my partner also held.  If you think you’re ugly, you’re likely thinking your partner thinks you’re ugly, even if logic says that’s definitely not the case.  If you’re a vegetarian and your partner isn’t in to that, something like that could also contribute to issues.

17. Would you participate in a hobby I like but you don’t as much?

Most people have different interests.  Even if your hobbies are similar, if you prefer going to the gym but your spouse likes to hike outdoors, you might want to know if they are willing to join you or not.  Is it important to do the things you enjoy with your partner or are you content with separate time doing different hobbies?

18. Do you need space or connection when you’re upset?

I love to talk things out immediately.  My husband generally likes to think things through and chill for a bit before he addresses an issue.  I like to be near him even when I’m frustrated.  He sometimes needs to go fishing or do something outside when he’s upset.  It’s good to know what your spouse needs to help ensure you’re able to address conflict that will inevitably come up.

19. How would you feel if your child reported they were LGBTQ+?

I literally do not care.  I’ve dated people in the past that have had issues with this.  If you and your partner differ on this, you probably need to break up.  Your children deserve to know they are safe with you regardless of their identity development.

20. Do you vote?  Why or why not?

Politics isn’t just a cute trend.  This is serious stuff.  If your partner doesn’t vote, and you do, that could be an issue.  Are they not voting because of complete difference in opinion, lack of knowledge on political issues, or do they think their vote doesn’t matter?  It’s important to talk about this to ensure you align your overall beliefs and how you want to navigate the political climate that will impact you whether you think so or not.

21. How do you like to decorate your space?

I’m a little chaotic.  My husband seems to enjoy it and has fun ideas for decorating in a similar vibe as well.  I’ve definitely been insulted in prior relationships though.  If you’re planning to live together, decorating a space is going to come up.  I imagine it will cause issues if you do not align.

22. Are you an indoor or outdoor person?

I could sit in my bed forever if nobody stopped me, haha!  I love reading and writing inside my home.  My husband thrives outdoors.  That man is so beautiful when he’s out moving about the world.  I love the differences, but sometimes I need to chill and he just be going all the time.  We’ve had to talk about balance, and we’ve figured out what works for us.  It’s important to talk about because if you differ, this could become an issue if you don’t address it. 

23. Do you have a habit anyone has mentioned is annoying?

I can’t think of anything annoying for my husband or myself at the moment.  I know there’s things that exist though.  It could be an opportunity for self-exploration with your partner.  Maybe there’s a habit you haven’t mentioned that bothers you and you want to address it in a respectful way.  When you are with someone for a while, you’re bound to find something that annoys you.  It’s important not to let yourself get too offended if your partner is being respectful about addressing something that might bother them. 

24. How do you like to be celebrated on your birthday?

July is my birth month.  I love celebrating all month.  I love surprises.  I love doing anything fun and exciting.  My husband is a little more chill.  He would likely be content just fishing all day.  It’s good to know how your partner enjoys being celebrated so you don’t plan something that is more towards your interests than theirs.

25. What do your family holidays look like?

Where are y’all going to spend the holidays?  Is there any family drama your partner should know about?  How many homes are you going to have to visit?  Is someone going to expect you to cook?  My husband’s family is huge, and I enjoy getting to see so many people around the holidays.  My family is small, but I still enjoy getting to eat my momma’s food despite it just being me and her around to celebrate. 

26. Do you have any handy skills?

My husband can fix all the things.  That’s amazing.  If neither you nor your partner can fix stuff, what is the plan for when stuff gets broken?  Do you plan to hire someone?  Are y’all going to try to wing it and DIY?  It’s important to discuss the plans for the unexpected!

27. Are you interested in traveling?

My husband has no interest in flying.  It’s on my bucket list to go to Kenya to visit Giraffe Manor and visit the Australia Zoo.  That would require flying.  I would also much prefer my husband being there.  I have to accept that I might not be going or will have to go alone.  I don’t have the money for either of those things at this point, but if I ever do, I don’t have a solid idea of what I will do yet.  These are things you want to discuss because if traveling is huge for you and your spouse doesn’t like it, I can guarantee that will become a problem.

28. Do you have any thoughts on saving money?

Emergencies are going to pop up.  Do you and/or your partner have money to plan for them?  If not, what are your plans to do so?  Money is a huge contributor to marriage conflict.  I promise you want to make sure you talk about money before committing to a long-term relationship. 

29. What does your bedtime routine look like?

My husband loves to spoon.  I was a back sleeper when we met.  It was a tough transition sleeping on my side every night.  I have adapted just fine, but if you’re possibly going to sleep next to someone for the rest of your life, you might want to know how they prefer to sleep.  This man tries to freeze me out of the home with fans, but we’ve made it work because he’s basically a heater himself and we’ve got cozy blankets.  We also pretty much always go to sleep at the same time.  I imagine not every couple can or wants to do that. 

30. Do you attend a church/are you religious?

I love our church.  I hadn’t been going to church prior to meeting my husband, but I love that we go together now.  He invited me to his childhood church early on in our relationship, and I’m eternally grateful.  It’s so comforting to be around people that love you and care about you the way our church family does.  I can’t imagine not sharing the same love for church as my spouse.  If you want to go to different churches, that will likely create conflict at some point.  Discuss it and discuss it early!

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That’s it!  Another 30 questions down!  I love writing these blogs.  I posted one in 2022, 2024, and now 2026.  Maybe I’ll post another in 2028!  If you read this far, thank you!  I truly hope you have a healthy love in your life, and if you don’t, I hope one finds you!  You deserve healthy love and if you don’t know what that looks like, hopefully my blogs can help you learn!

Shark Energy

I texted my brother the morning I started writing this blog because I wanted to show him my new tattoo. His response after I sent him the picture was, “Lol, why a hammerhead shark?”

My response was, “Cause I think they’re cute and I just love shark energy in general.”

I really started to think about why it is I love sharks. I’m not even sure when the love began. I don’t even know where my hammerhead stuffy came from. I somehow have a hammerhead shark onesie and a shark wearable blanket. And now I have a hammerhead shark tattoo.

What did I mean by “shark energy,” though?

I enjoy that sharks just be going about doing their shark business. They aren’t out trying to eat humans for fun. However, if you’re there, and they’re hungry, it’s a possibility you get hurt or eaten.

If you haven’t already gathered from previous blogs, (welcome, if this is your first blog of mine you’ve read) I’m just a random goofball person.

I’m just out here trying to find joy in life.

I promise I don’t like sharks because they bite people sometimes. I just made a random comparison in my head that I enjoyed.

I’m truly a very kind person. I don’t say that because I’m full of myself, it just is what it is. I have always aspired to be a kind person in every interaction. Over the years I’ve learned what true empathy looks like, and I’ve worked to function in that regard.

I try to mind my business and do what I can to remember that my choices are my own and I can’t and don’t want to control other’s choices.

The shark energy comes in to play because yes, I’m going to mind my business, but if you’re a jerk, I might bite off your arm.

Figuratively, of course.

Bullies weren’t really a thing I dealt with as a child, aside from maybe my dad being one, but I didn’t realize that at the time. I also didn’t spend the majority of my time with him, so I could ignore the nonsense for the most part. Anyways, I didn’t really have any reason to stand up for myself.

College is when I started to bump into conflict. My college roommate would do something inconsiderate. My boyfriend would only acknowledge me when it was convenient for him. Classmates said things that were clearly sexist, racist, or homophobic.

I ignored a lot of it, or let it pass because I didn’t want to offend anyone. Sometimes I would try to say something but not everything I would really like to say, because they pushed back, and I didn’t have the strength for the debate/argument.

I remember one college professor doing hypnosis demonstrations in class. I was nervous at first but eventually volunteered during a group demonstration. I told him I wanted to stop being a pushover.

I haven’t heard much about hypnosis or even know of its validity since that class, but I remember one day my mom saying “you’re different since being hypnotized.” I don’t recall her meaning it positively. My mom loves me and I her, but we differ on a number of things.

I don’t know if hypnosis is the cause or simply a correlation, but I did start standing up for myself and others more after that. Now I live in this shark energy kinda vibe. I’m chill, but come for me, those I love, or try to take rights away from people, I, again, may bite your arm off.

I thrive off learning. I soak in evidence based information like it’s a warm bath. My brain craves knowledge and seeks it out any chance it gets. I love using that information to help people’s lives be better. It bothers me that others don’t share this type of energy.

So many people are only out here for themselves and then want to blame the shark when they get bitten. You can’t be out here messing up other people’s lives based on whatever you want and on your beliefs and then be mad when someone snaps back. If you’re in the ocean, you may get bit.

I don’t fully know why this blog came to my mind, but there’s just something about sharks that bring me joy, and I love that I now have such a daily physical reminder of their energy.

I try to have a kind message in all my blogs. The message I’ve been writing at the end of most is to be kind to others but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well!

That’s fair in this one as well. However, I just want to add that be mindful of what you do and where you do it. If you’re more worried about what choices someone else is making, you may not notice the shark swimming up to bite your arm off. If the choice someone else makes isn’t harming you, mind your business.

I love y’all! I hope the message landed, and if not, maybe I’ll try again to explain my thoughts on another day.

Gluten Free. Who, Me?

I started this journey into blog writing thanks to a class I was taking back in 2022. The first three blogs were intro blogs necessary to meet class requirements. The next three were some ideas I came up with to continue on with the blog following the class ending. Those three introduced my book club and my best friend, the inspiration behind the primary novel I am writing. While I loved all six of those blogs, I think it was blog seven that really kicked things off for me and helped get my blog to where it is today. If you’re reading this, that means you’re reading my 75th blog!

Internal Ariel and external Ariel are both equally giddy. I vocalized my excitement to my husband as I realized that I am working on blog 75. This wasn’t my original plan for the blog I intended to publish this week, but I am a mood writer, and my mood says this is what needs to be published next.

Blog seven meant a lot to me when I wrote it. I reread it prior to starting this blog. Blog seven has often been on my mind. It marked the first look I really gave readers into my mind. I’m not asking readers of this blog to go back and read that one, although that’d be cool and it’s called “Big Dreams and Big Struggles” if you wanted to check it out, but it’s important to provide the context for the point of this blog. In blog seven, I write about my struggles with food. I wish I could say things went great from that day on. Unfortunately, that’s so far from the truth.

In blog seven, I mentioned that I was the heaviest I’d ever been. Well, fun fact. I got heavier. I would estimate I gained about 40 pounds more in the years following that blog post. I also mentioned in blog seven that I was the most stressed, dissatisfied with life, and loneliest I’d ever been. So, it makes sense that maybe my depression won for a bit, and things got worse for me.

I’m not going to go into the ways my life has improved since then. If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you may have seen all the blogs mentioning all the positive changes. My intent behind this blog, is to be honest about my ongoing struggles. Looking back at blog seven, I recognize the potential impact it could have on others, but I also see that it is impactful for me as well. I appreciate past Ariel being so honest and writing with such beautiful intent and desire to help others.

Sure, present Ariel is in a much better space mentally than blog seven Ariel. However, I can’t sit here and say I don’t still struggle with food. I know that I do. I know that I always will. Everyone has something they struggle with. I know my struggle is food. Thankfully, with the mental space I’m in now, I recognize I’m so much more than a number on a scale. I know I’m worth more as a human than others may believe because of the size of my body.

I am never going to sit here and say I’m perfectly satisfied with how I look. I’m not. The difference in my mindset is that I love my body and myself in general. My body is what it is in any given moment. Why spend so much time hating myself when I can’t make any huge changes in the moment I’m wasting doing so. The reality is, if my body stays how it looks now for the rest of my life, I know I’ll have lived a life full of joy. I know that because I consistently seek out joy in my life and I don’t let mine or other’s thoughts about my body stop me.

The main struggle I have now, is how I feel. I often don’t feel great. My body tires easily. I have headaches all the time. I feel heavy in the sense that I feel bogged down. I’m fully aware our bodies aren’t meant to carry as much weight as we do at times. No one needs to come on here and try to body shame or make me feel some type of way about my health choices.

Seriously. My doctor when I lived in Texas once said to me, “have you ever thought about losing weight?” Oh, I don’t know… Only… EVERY DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE… Geez. Most people who are considered overweight or obese or whatever are fully aware of the health consequences of that label. Like, FULLY AWARE. Stop harassing people. I promise I’ve been out here being the rudest bully to myself more so than anyone else I’ve ever encountered. I don’t need any help.

When I wrote my end of the year blog for 2025, I mentioned a New Year’s resolution being going Gluten Free. I’ve known for most of my adult life that I struggle eating certain foods. I’ve had chronic headaches for as long as I can remember. I recall lying in the bathtub as a teen because one of my headaches tried to take me out, and I scrunched up in a ball while I was showering to try and cope with the pain.

I’ve not been assessed for a true gluten allergy. The reason I’m trying this is because I know what foods bother me. Crackers, pretzels, pasta, and bread made frequent appearances in my diet in the past. Pretty much anytime I would eat any of those things or things like them, I would pay for it. My mouth would get a weird rash, and a headache would soon follow. I would often get severe stomach aches as well. I’ve tried a gluten free diet in the past, multiple times actually. I have felt better each time. However, depression, expenses, and ease of access to non-gluten free items have always caused me to give it up. Gluten free items are much more expensive, sometimes don’t taste as great, and are harder to find. It’s a lot to manage when you’re depressed, and I haven’t managed to maintain it.

Now that I’m not fighting major depression every day, I feel I’m in a much better position to try this again. I’d really enjoy not having to battle headaches and body pain all the time. The good news is, I have a month’s worth of gluten free evidence to report to y’all in this blog! I started my New Year’s resolution on the day I published that blog, which was December 21, 2025.

Update so far:

  1. Less headaches.
  2. I’ve lost 10 pounds.
  3. My stomach doesn’t hurt as much.
  4. I feel “lighter.”

It feels insane to say I’ve lost 10 pounds in about a month. I have been at that pre-10-pound weight loss weight for over a year. When I moved back to Kentucky in 2024, I was at my highest weight of 274 pounds. I lost about 15 pounds prior to meeting my husband and then stuck around that weight until this last month. I currently sit at 248. I share this because it’s a tracking thing and an accountability thing in a sense. I genuinely want to see if going gluten free makes a difference in how I feel and it’s already clear that it does. I hope to see improvement after being gluten free the entire year.

I don’t have any particular health goals in mind aside from feeling better. I’m not focused on looking a certain way or being a certain weight. I simply want to feel better. I know that I’ve felt better when I was around 190s, but I feel like I’ll know when I get there if I’m where I want to be. I know I’m not where I want to be yet, but this is great progress. I want to be able to move around easier and feel like I have more energy than I normally do. I’ve got a house full of kids and a beautifully energetic husband to keep up with, and I don’t want headaches, stomach aches, and whatever else to keep me from doing so.

The main reason I referenced blog seven is because it truly does feel like there is an angel on each shoulder. One telling me I’m doing a great job and I’m helping myself feel better. The other telling me that a little bit of the corn bread my sweet husband made, or the bowl of ramen my son is eating, or the bread we bought for sandwich night, or the TOTINO’S PIZZA THAT I WILL ALWAYS THINK IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST CAN’T HURT ME, RIGHT? Wrong. I know it hurts. I can’t keep acting like it doesn’t. Sure, these things are delicious, but is it worth it if it’s hurting me like it does? Nope. It used to be, but it’s just not anymore.

I’m constantly having to remind myself that though. Each time a coworker brings donuts into the office. Each time my husband makes pancakes for the kids. Each time I just really want to eat all the things I mentioned above. It’s a constant battle. I know that it always will be for me. I want to put this out into the world in case someone else out there is struggling with food.

If you’re one of those people, and you’re reading this, you are not alone! If I could say anything to anyone out there trying to help their body feel better, I would say that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not always know what you’re doing and wing it. You don’t have to feel bad for struggling. It is what it is. The fact is, you’re trying. It’s your life and you have to do what’s right for you. We know there are always going to be people out here hating and making us feel some type of way about ourselves. We don’t need to add to the noise. It’s okay to love yourself in the midst of your struggles.

I’m going to add the last sentiment I added to blog seven: “If you’re struggling with similar battles or any battle, just know, I am here with you! My website/blog and social media pages are safe places! Share your dreams and your struggles. Life isn’t easy, but you’re doing great!” Such a classic ending!

What Am I Reading?

In my pursuit to accomplish Bucket List number 54,”Write a blog a week at least one year,” I have been brainstorming blog ideas. In previous blogs, I focus significantly on my mental health to share mental health related content. I post silly things to bring me and others joy. I share my bucket list and bullet journaling adventures. I have posted a few blogs about parenting. I have written blogs about past books I’ve read with my book club. This new blog idea is similar to my book club blogs except with any books I read in general.

I would like to share my thoughts on the books I read. Reading means so much to me. I remember in third grade getting to go to the school pizza party for having over 100 accelerated reader (AR) points. Not many third graders had that many. In high school, I was in the top ten of my class for AR points on the regular. Reading so many fun books helped build my dream of one day being a published author. I started a book club because I wanted to read more and talk about them with people that also love to read. I love talking to people about books.

This is why I want to write more about the books I read. I want to open more dialogue about books and inspire others to find books they enjoy. I also want to dive into more video content to share my thoughts on books since social media is a huge space for book related content. My husband and I came up with an idea for video content this year to post on my author Instagram. After I read a book, I’ll try to sum it up to him in three minutes or less and we’ll record whatever comes to my head. I posted the first of this little series we hope to do on my author Instagram the other day! My hope is to post a follow up blog about the books to explain more in detail about my experience reading the books.

I don’t necessarily want to consider these book blogs as reviews. I want to get better at writing reviews to help authors, but it’s not my specialty. I write about my experience, not really to offer any type of criticism or feedback. Even if a book is cheesy, or not as emotionally deep as some, I generally still love the experience of reading. There have been very few books that I didn’t enjoy in some way. I love seeing the little movie that plays in my head as the words melt into my brain. I value the time authors spent on their books and try to remember that someone is behind the words. I will likely write things I liked and things I didn’t, but that’s my personal opinion. Literature is up for interpretation. Everyone experiences a book differently. I would never want my opinion of a book to influence another person’s opinion of it. I would never want someone to feel bad for loving a book I didn’t, and I wouldn’t want someone to make me feel bad for loving a book they didn’t.

I read eight books outside of my book club books last year. I’m on my third book of the year (It’s January 20, 2026 as I write this), that’s not a book club book, so I anticipate I may have plenty of blogs for readers to check out if my pattern continues.

I honestly never know what I’m going to write until I sit down to write. With my book club blogs I’ve written previously, sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough content. I don’t really have any set length I aspire to for my blogs. I just write until I love it. So, I may try to write individual blogs for each book, I may group a couple if I’ve read a bunch before I get time to compose a blog, and I may just end up doing a monthly wrap up on everything I read that month. I am all about finding joy in my life. I am not bound by anyone else’s expectations, so I’ll pretty much just wing it and hope readers enjoy it for what it is whenever it gets posted!

I try to branch out as much as I can with different genres, but the reality is, I know what I’m mostly likely to read, and what I tend to avoid. The books you’ll probably see me reading are romance, fantasy, YA, and historical fiction. I tend to read books written by Black authors, books that have LGBTQ+ representation, and I am branching out into finding middle grade books for my children to read as they get older. I avoid horror as much as possible (I like to be able to sleep and I’m a paranoid girlie when I see or read anything scary). I love reading books in a series, it’s so satisfying.

I’m not going to write about any books in this blog, I simply wanted to introduce my plans so anyone that follows along with my blogs can keep their eyes out if they are interested. I would also love anyone who can to comment here or to comment on my author Instagram any book recommendations they have. I love reading books recommended by others. Honestly, reading a book someone loves truly gives insight into them as a person, and that’s so fun for me to be able to experience! (It also gave me clear red flags for people I’ve dated in the past, HAH!) Anyways… I would love for everyone to follow along and read some fun books with me!

I hope, if you’re reading this, you know how wonderful you are! I truly hope joy finds you in this life. Be kind to others, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well! Being human is hard, but you’re doing great (unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc., then you need to be better)!

AABC – 2025

On January 1, 2025, past Ariel had full intentions to write a review blog about all the books she would read that year for her book club, Adventure Awaits Book Club.

I had a phenomenal year, but things definitely changed in a way I didn’t fully expect. We have 2.5 more kids living with us than we started the year with and that has made for more time spent with the kids living the Adventure Awaits spirit! So, I definitely pushed the blog plans to the back burner.

My book club started out with regular meetings, but as my depression hit hard a few years back, the club hit a lull and hasn’t really recovered. I’m hopeful it will make a comeback in the future. So, what I’ve been doing is mostly picking books I own to save money, and in the future hopefully the club will kick back up with picking books as a joint endeavor!

I wanted to write a blog that encompasses the 12 books I picked last year. I’ll write about them in order from my least favorite to my favorite. There’s a corresponding video on my author Instagram of me ranking all 20 books I read last year, and the book club books are mixed in there. I also have pictures of all the covers there and on the book club link through my website.

———

Here we go!

12. Vagabonds! By Eloghosa Osunde

This book was the August 2025 choice. I wanted to love this one. I started it in August, but I took quite a few breaks and finally finished on the last day of 2025. The back cover blurb sounded more hopeful than I felt the book made sense in my head. This book made my head hurt. I rubbed my temples way more than I would like. It was dark and sad. It was honestly quite confusing at times. I think I understood more by the end about the intent behind all the build up, but it was exhausting trying to get there. I think the depth behind this one would make a great choice for a book club, honestly. I believe everyone would get something different out of this one. The Nigerian culture aspect is one that I feel could get overlooked by those who aren’t familiar and make people think negatively. Please take my opinions with a grain of salt. It’s clear this meant a lot to the author, and I imagine if I spoke with them about it, I would have so much more insight! It’s not a bad book, it’s simply more nuanced than the information I had to process it at the time I read it!

11. The Secret Zoo by Bryan Chick

This book was the January 2025 choice. I believe I finished reading this in January. Some books definitely did not get finished in the month I chose them. Honestly, the one major thing I remember about this one is a Sasquatch getting impaled. The adventure aspect in this book fully meets the spirit of the club. However, the impaling threw me off. I bought the book to find some middle grade reads for our 11 year old, and for some reason that scene startled me. It really opened my eyes to the depth middle grade books can go. I feel like our kiddo is brilliant and capable of reading complex storylines, but it also made me want to protect her a bit. Truly though, I thoroughly enjoyed the adventure these kids went on. I adored all the animals and how animals that were “extinct,” as well as supposed mythological creatures were being protected in the secret zoo found in the book. It took so many wild turns, and it kept me turning the pages eagerly. If your kiddo isn’t a reader, I imagine this book could easily spark interest for them, and it’s the first in a six book series, so you or your kiddo(s) can immerse in the world for a while!

10. Cursed Daughters by Oyinkan Braithwaite

This book was the November 2025 choice. I didn’t realize this would be a second book based around Nigerian culture when I picked this one. I made the connection after I picked back up Vagabonds! in December and Lagos had been mentioned in both. Again, it’s not as if the book was bad. I wouldn’t even remotely suggest that, it simply challenged me emotionally. It hurt my heart. These generations of women that were bogged down by a curse and couldn’t break free. Eventually one child did, but there was so much pain along the way. It felt a little creepy at times, but in a sad way. My creepy level tolerance is much lower than most, haha! Sometimes I’m a big baby. I recommend this book genuinely, and it’s always a great idea to read diversely. I can’t speak for Nigerian culture, but the author can, and I’m grateful they shared this story!

9. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb

This book was the May 2025 choice. My friend who is in my book club with me recommended this one for Mental Health Awareness month. I 100% wanted to talk to someone after reading this book. I published a blog while reading this book because it triggered so many emotions in me. A rather devastating aspect of the book is a storyline with a client called Julie. I won’t spoil it for you, but Julie and the author’s interactions lead to you reading the words, “Sometimes the only thing to do is yell, fuck.” That sentence is the title of the blog I wrote. I truly loved this book. It’s more story based and personal for the character. It didn’t have such a clinical feel that some books do when it comes to mental health. It was anything but boring and gave me some insight into my brain as well. I’m a huge proponent of therapy. I hope that anyone who needs it finds a therapist that truly cares about you like I did! I can’t guarantee you’ll get the same experience from this book, but I find it valuable in the mental health conversation!

8. Holes by Louis Sachar

This book was the December 2025 choice. Holes had everything I hoped for. I felt like they nailed the movie version of the book. The only major change I noticed was the main character in the book was described as heavier and Shai LaBeouf was definitely not heavy in the movie. Teenage Ariel loved Holes the movie, and now adult Ariel can say she loves Holes the book. I think our kids will love reading this one, and I hope to suggest it to our 11-year-old so they can get started as soon as possible! I enjoyed the ease of read. It’s clearly written with a younger audience in mind but not to the extent that it isn’t enjoyable for adults as well. The copy I have is an anniversary edition, so it was cool to see some extra bonus features at the end of the book with more insight into Stanley’s character.

7. Prince of Song and Sea by Linsey Miller

This book was the April 2025 choice. I felt like I had to buy this book when I saw it. I’m a sucker for a play on The Little Mermaid. I know it feels like there are a million versions of it, but this one holds its own. The book is a spookier version of the Disney classic. As I mentioned earlier, my creepy/spooky level tolerance is much lower than I anticipate the level of most readers. I didn’t have any issues with this book. It was a clever way for the author to add some trauma the prince had to deal with and keep it engaging. Prince Eric’s friends were charming editions to this book and brought for some entertainment that I enjoyed. I will never turn away a love story, even if it’s cheesy. (Please don’t check me on this. I imagine I haven’t read the cheesiest of cheese, but I still feel like I would enjoy it.) This one had the “cursed to only kiss their true love” trope in it, and I ate it up. There was another surprise element in it with the evil witch terrorizing families and that played out thoughtfully with some of the characters finding out more about their history. Keep in mind that the book is borrowing from a well-known storyline, so I can’t guarantee you will enjoy it, but it filled my joy meter like I hoped!

6. Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

This book was the March 2025 choice. One of my favorite humans recommended me to read a few of Nicola Yoon’s books, and I’ve been properly wrecked by the ones I’ve read. This book has the typical YA feel when it comes to a teenage romance. It’s easy to speed through, the characters are charming, and there’s something trying to keep them apart. I really did not see the ending coming for this one. I thought the characters were going to fall in love and he was simply going to love her through all the complications. The bombshell twist left trauma residue on me and I’m over here reading a fictional story. I really should have seen it coming, but it threw me for a loop. I can’t remember for sure, but I imagine I most certainly cried. You can’t read about someone hurting that much to do what they did and not cry. I recommend this one, and I imagine I can safely say I recommend all books by Nicola Yoon!

5. Spells, Strings, and Forgotten Things by Breanne Randall

This book was the June 2025 choice. I’m really not surprised by my top five. I love all things fantasy, with a sprinkle of romance, and books that truly encompass the adventure awaits spirit. I read a Breanne Randall book for AABC in 2024, so I felt safe choosing another in 2025. She’s only published two books so far, but the vibes have hit with both of them for me. This one specifically had such a fun cast of characters, a plotline that keeps you wanting to read, and quality involvement with magical elements. I love any type of book that involves magic. There’s something about an author taking the time to create the rules for their world that is so special. All three sisters ended up with a love interest that made my heart smile. I loved the grimoire and the surprise that involved that animated book. The grumpy love interest for the main character had the typical traumatic childhood for a grumpy character. I appreciated his bond with his sister and the bond of the three main sisters as well. Healthy sibling dynamics is always a sweet bonus in a book.

4. Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell

This book was the October 2025 choice. I adored this book. I can’t wait for our children to read this one. I loved the main character and the group of characters that joined his mission to help his mysterious new pal as the plotline moved forward. I cackled when an important mythical creature happened to be a tiny dragon. That dragon was too precious. I adore dragons, and while I wish there were more throughout, it still had so much adventure and amazing creatures that I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. This book had much more depth than one might expect and could easily lead to introspection if you’re open and paying attention to the message. I am desperate to read the next book in this world and highly recommend everyone checking out this series as well!

3. Skyhunter by Marie Lu

This book was the July 2025 choice. Marie Lu could never disappoint me. Marie Lu may very well be my favorite author. This was the third world I felt fully enthralled by that they created. I don’t know how they manage to make such compelling stories over and over. Do you know that meme where people talk about what radicalized them? I mean this in the most respectful and honorable ways, but for me, it was probably reading Marie Lu’s books. Marie Lu clearly has no interest in tolerating a tyrannical government and I’m living for it. I read Skyhunter for book club and immediately went to the library to check out Steelstriker to finish the duology. They were both superb and heartbreaking. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past our government to do something like this if they had the technology. It’s scary waiting to see what crazy thing the US government is going to do next. There are literally terrorists roaming the streets wreaking havoc and kidnapping people and the President is acting like this is some beautiful thing he is doing for our country. (I meant ICE if you couldn’t pick up on my subtlety.) I digress… Read anything by Marie Lu. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

2. Blood at the Root by LaDarrion Williams

This book was the September 2025 choice. I swear I read so many phenomenal books in 2025. I believe one of the comparison titles for Blood at the Root is Harry Potter. I get it. They both have a magical school for students with magical abilities. Blood at the Root is so much deeper. Black history is intertwined throughout the story, and the characters call out the whitewashing of history in general. The cast of main characters are Black as the setting is primarily at a Historically Black College or University (HBCU). The author passionately advocates for the importance of getting these books in the hands of Black boys for them to see themselves and the magic they hold inside them. Obviously, the comparison is metaphorical, but truly, Black children deserve to read this incredible story and go along for the adventure in the entire series. I will say, while the comparison to Harry Potter is out there, I wouldn’t recommend this book to middle grade readers like I would Harry Potter and I don’t believe the author is presenting it as made for younger readers either. It’s more geared towards high school age youth and older. It takes place at an HBCU, so it’s logical that the characters are older and do things that older youth/adults do.

1. The Secret Library by Kekla Magoon

This book was the February 2025 choice. I don’t think I will ever find a book I love as much as this one. Phenomenal doesn’t even begin to describe it for me. Many of these books had me desperate to finish reading, but this one had so many twists I never saw coming. I spoke about the depth of a number of the middle grade books I read last year, but this one topped them all. It explores child neglect, parental loss, identity development, racism, slavery, and the complexity of relationships in general from a child’s perspective. I loved the use of the library and the decision the main character makes at the end floored me. I wouldn’t recommend this book if you are racist, homophobic, or transphobic. However, I imagine if you are, you’re likely not reading this blog. So, if you are here, I am begging you to pick this book up and read it. This book sealed the deal for me that I’ve been underestimating children. I know how brilliant children are, but I get nervous that some things are too much for them. They are so much more capable of complex thoughts than most of us give them credit for. So, yes, this is my favorite book of 2025, but it’s also my favorite book in general!

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If you read this far, thank you! It means a lot to me to have any support people are able to offer. I hope y’all are out there being kind to others, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well! I hope y’all will check out these books and share with me your thoughts! Also, feel free to recommend any books here or on my Instagram!