Stepparents

I want to preface what I write below by saying that everything in this blog is solely based on my perspective. There is nuance likely missing as well as the perspectives of the people I reference.

I have zero intentions of attacking anyone. I am simply writing about how I feel currently, how I felt in the past as an adult, and how I felt in the past as a child. The information I share is how I perceive or perceived certain events. If it makes someone else feel some type of way, that is something I cannot control.

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I follow some brilliant minds on social media who share evidence based information. My brain loves evidence. Recently, I’ve seen a number of people sharing about intent versus impact. The typical contexts this concept comes up in are in romantic relationships and parenting. I understand the premise, but the way it has been explained recently, by the individuals I follow, has helped me so much.

Basically, you may not intend to hurt someone, but you do. Intent doesn’t negate impact. Simply saying I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings doesn’t get rid of the fact that you did. The focus needs to be on impact rather than intent.

I’ve also learned a lot about decentering myself when it comes to my children.

In some situations, with my kiddos, instead of apologizing and attempting to address the issue, I have made it about me. I focus on the fact that they’re screaming at me or saying rude things instead of that what I did that hurt their feelings. A simple example would be, we told our kids we would try to play a board game later in the evening. The day’s events took longer than expected, and by the time we get home, it is too late in the day to play, and the kids needed to eat dinner and get ready for bed. Obviously, our intent was not to hurt our kids’ feelings, but we did. They were looking forward to playing the game and were disappointed because they didn’t get to. Sometimes, instead of recognizing their disappointment, we jump to defense mode. “We can’t control that such and such took that long,” or “We were out having fun and now you want to be rude because we’re later than we thought.” We try to get them to realize we’re not at fault rather than recognize their disappointment and help them regulate their emotions in a more effective way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it is hard to stay calm when a child is screaming at you about how awful of a parent you are because you won’t let them play a board game late at night when they have school the next day. However, focusing on your intent, often ignores the impact and makes someone feel unheard.

Another example would be if my husband said something was bothering him that I did and I immediately say “well I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” instead of saying “I’m sorry, what can I do differently next time something like this comes up?”

These are general examples, but I’m hoping they have been useful to explain the concept of intent versus impact.

Warning to my stepmother and siblings, this next bit may seem offensive. Reminder, I am speaking on my experience and feelings.

For as long as I can remember, I have held hate for my stepmother. This next picture pops into my head when I think of her.

If I talked about my stepmother, I often said I love my siblings but hate her.

All I think about when I think about my stepmother is all the things she did that hurt me. I think about how she would correct people if they said I was her daughter to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter. I think about how she referred to me as my siblings’ stepsister when I am their half-sister. I think about how she let my siblings do stuff that she wouldn’t let me, like jumping off the ladder to the pool (I don’t know why this memory stuck with me more than some others). I think about how often she screamed at me. I think about her getting drunk and then leaving my brother and I to watch our younger siblings. I think about how she told me I would never be a doctor because I was lazy. I think about the comments she made about my size (you shouldn’t buy that bathing suit, you’re too big.”)

As a kid, it’s hard to catch the nuance. It’s hard to grasp that adults are experiencing things we know nothing about. It’s hard to truly understand what it’s like to be a stepparent. It’s hard to see that maybe your birth parent isn’t the best person to be married to even though you may think they’re cooler than they are because of lack of knowledge.

I will never accept what was done to me, but I at least recognize the fact that I didn’t have all the information. I don’t hate my stepmother like I did in the past, but it’s not because she improved or we have a better relationship. I haven’t talked to her in years, honestly. I don’t hate her because I think she did the best she could based on the life she lived.

It’s easy for me to say she’s just an awful person. It’s easy for me to say she’s all at fault. What’s hard is for me saying that I was a rude ass little jerk sometimes (I’ve always been smart and 100% was probably more creative than I should have been with my rudeness). What’s hard is for me to say that my dad was not a good partner to her. What’s hard is for me to say that trying to take care of a home is difficult and she had a lot on her plate. What’s hard is for me to say that being a parent figure for children that you didn’t birth comes with a complex set of challenges. What’s hard is for me to say she had a rough upbringing from what I recall.

Yes, she absolutely could have done better. However, when you lack healthy support, have poor examples of healthy parenting, are in an unhealthy relationship, and are trying to take care of four biological kids and three stepchildren, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I did have a stepfather when I was a child, but I don’t remember too much about him. I don’t recall any bad memories. I, honestly, only have positive memories of my time with him. Regardless of my experience, my mom’s experience is what determined my involvement with him. They divorced when I was in elementary school and that was that. My mom remarried when I was an adult, so my experience with my stepfather at that point was much different as I didn’t reside in their home full time. He was kind to me when I visited, and I appreciated that very much.

One thing I will forever appreciate that my mom did is let me decide the kind of person my father was/is. She never said a single bad thing about him even though she absolutely could have. People will show you who they are, they don’t need others speaking for them. I have one positive memory of my dad. I think it was the only time I ever spent time alone with him that lasted longer than a few minutes here and there. He took me to a glass museum, and we made glass art together. I love that memory.

Unfortunately, that memory is outweighed by the memories that traumatized me. I remember his hands around my throat for me being rude to my stepmother. I remember all the times he asked me and my siblings to grab him a beer out of the fridge. I remember all the times we were left alone with my stepmother because he went to the bar. I remember him telling me I was lazy. I remember him telling me I was fat. I remember him telling me I wasn’t smart enough to become a doctor. I remember him telling me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I was backwards like the rest of the people from Kentucky (he didn’t live in Kentucky).

I didn’t need my mom to tell me anything about him. She apologized each time I told her about the things he did or said. She said she hoped he would be different to my brother and I than he was to her. I’ve since learned he actually was better to us than he was to her, but it still wasn’t great.

After my experience with my dad and stepmother, I really wasn’t certain if I wanted to be a mother, and I knew for certain that I didn’t want to be a stepmother. I always wished I only ever had two parents, and I didn’t want another child to feel the same about me. I didn’t want to ruin their image of the family they imagined.

When I got married at 19, I was so hopeful about having the family I imagined and loved that I would only ever be married to one person. If you’ve followed my content, you know that this did not happen. We didn’t have any children, thankfully. However, it still changed me. I started to realize nuance. I started to realize that life is much more complex than the experiences in my head. The world is so much more beautiful and complicated than I could ever properly perceive.

None of the people I was in a relationship with in my 20s had children. During my online dating phase, I talked to a couple people with children, but it never got to the point where I met anyone’s child. I still had not decided if I was actually okay with the idea of being with someone that had a child or children. It was absolutely hypocritical, considering I had a child myself, but all I could picture is a child telling me they hated me because I was not their mom.

Yes, I am now a stepmother. That’s been well known if you’ve followed my writing long enough. Before I jump into my experience as a stepmother, let me share a bit about my experience with my son having a stepmother.

My son’s father messaged me one day telling me he had a new girlfriend. I will leave out his exact wording, but it wasn’t great. I didn’t have an issue with the girlfriend aspect. I was happy for him. I did immediately react with frustration though. My son’s father was not a consistent presence for the majority of our son’s first six years. He saw him a handful of times, but there was a multiple year stretch where my son did not see his father in person. He also barely saw him on the phone. The lack of consistency bothered me. I would tell him he could call anytime, and he wouldn’t. I would tell him he could come see him, and he wouldn’t. I would invite him to things, and he wouldn’t be there. Sure, some of the issue was that we resided in different states, but in my opinion, you should be able to call your child, especially when I tried not to intentionally prevent him from the contact, outside of trying to set a consistent schedule at times.

After working with Child Protective Services (CPS), I knew it would never be in me to keep my son’s father from him. Generally, kids want to be around their parents, even when they don’t make the best choices. I knew my son’s father would not put our son in harm’s way. I made the assumption he would disappoint him, but I can’t function off of assumptions. Just like my mom did for me, I planned to let my son have the opportunity to build whatever relationship with his father that he wanted. Maybe he would make better choices. I prayed that he made better choices.

When I found out about my son’s father’s girlfriend being pregnant, I didn’t handle that as gracefully. I told him I didn’t want him shoving another child in our son’s face when he barely talks to our son. I told him he could call still, but I didn’t want him to mention the girlfriend or this child to him until he could be consistent himself. I caved pretty quickly. Who was I to prevent a relationship between my son and his brother? Not that his father called much more after that, but I do love the pictures of my son and his brother on Facetime. He never talked to his dad’s girlfriend on Facetime prior to meeting her, but it was never brought up, so I just kinda ignored it and honestly preferred it.

I absolutely had thoughts like “how you gonna have a child with a man that doesn’t even have a relationship with his other child?!” I met my son’s father’s girlfriend for the first time about a week before Thanksgiving, shortly after she gave birth to my son’s second brother. It was not really planned, but I think the spontaneity helped ease the anxiety about the situation. Honestly, she seemed delightful. I loved her energy, and she seemed so intelligent and kind.

It’s so easy to think negative thoughts about someone you don’t really know. It was so easy of me to judge her when I didn’t know anything about her circumstances or the kind of person my son’s dad was to her. My thoughts don’t really matter when it comes to her life. I didn’t see her again until Easter of the following year. She texted me randomly and asked if I wanted to bring my son to an Easter event, she planned to bring her children to. My initial thought was NOPE. My anxiety tried to overpower what was in the best interest of my son. I agreed to go and even brought my stepdaughter and one of her friends. It was a great experience. It helped that it was just the two of us. adult wise, and our partners were not present. I got to know more about her, and I continued to believe that she seemed like a great person. We shared similar education backgrounds, had a heart for foster care, and genuinely just had no issues with having something to talk about.

Since then, I’ve learned that my son’s dad is engaged to the woman I’ve been writing about. We text fairly regularly. She’s shown up for my son’s sporting events. She’s picked my son up and spent time with my son even when his dad was out of town. She’s shown the kind of person she is, and I’m grateful to have her in my son’s life. My son calls her mom now.

Oof, don’t freak out. I know some people are not a fan of stepparents being referred to as mom/dad. I was not a fan initially either. That was before I started to get to know her. That was before I had the chance to see her show up for my son. That was before I started to see more about what she’s experienced and understand her perspective. After hearing my stepmother correct people to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter and not her biological daughter, I’m grateful that my son feels comfortable enough to call his stepmother mom. He talks more about her than his dad. He seems to be receiving love he deserves while in her care. I never want my son to feel even a fraction of the hurt I felt every time my stepmom distanced herself from me. I felt like I was trash that she had no other choice but to deal with. I wish I had been more understanding initially, but it was easy to pretend she didn’t exist and was an awful person when we lived in another state, never had contact, and I didn’t know anything about her.

My intention initially was to protect my son, but my impact was different. Had I been more understanding and calm, things could have gone differently. I centered my frustration, instead of centering my son. Sure, I didn’t prevent my son’s father from having contact, but I wasn’t the most receptive about the situation either.

My son’s dad still frustrates me. I haven’t always responded kindly, but I’m working on it. I’m trying to not be snarky, but it’s hard as hell. Coparenting is not for the weak. I need to be better about centering my son, instead of centering the hurt I feel when my son’s dad doesn’t do what I deem is right. I imagine my son is going to experience disappointment from me and his dad. It’s inevitable. We’re human and definitely don’t always do everything right. I am writing this because I don’t want to keep experiencing the negative emotions I feel when I think about coparenting with my son’s father. I don’t want my son’s stepmother to feel some type of way because I put her in the middle as if she is at fault for her partner’s choices. I know it’s going to take effort from all four of the parents involved with my son, but I can only control myself.

I’m writing this as accountability to myself. I want to always work on being a better person. I want to function with kindness. I want to center my children and help them to feel loved regardless of if I am still feeling some type of resentment. I hope my son’s stepmother knows how much I’m grateful for her. I hope she knows her worth as a person. I hope she knows that my son and I love her. I’m working on getting better at showing that to her even if I’m frustrated. As humans, we’re likely not always going to agree on things, but that doesn’t warrant disrespect. I’m hopeful for a future where we can all be in the same place and all my son feels is love and joy exuding from all four of his parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a stepmother. This experience inspired me to write this blog. Being a stepmother has helped fill in some of the nuance I missed from my experience as a stepchild. It makes me a little more frustrated but also a little bit more understanding. Frustrated because these children are amazing, brilliant, silly, clever, and bring sunshine to our lives, and I don’t understand why my stepmother didn’t seem to see that in me. Understanding because coparenting is hard, they sometimes do things that are challenging, and you’re limited as a stepparent in your ability to function fully how you would prefer as a parent.

I can’t speak to the experiences of my stepchildren’s mothers. I don’t know much about them. I don’t know what they’ve been through. I don’t know what trauma they may have experienced. I don’t know how my husband treated them when they were together. All I know is what I see now. Honestly, I’m straight up having a terrible time. I try to understand some of their emotions, based on my initial thoughts regarding my son’s stepmother, but it’s hard.

Each experience with meeting/getting to know my stepchildren has been different. The oldest one happened with such ease. I feel like we bonded fast and get along so well. The middle one happened unexpectedly. She came to reside with us full time due to an unforeseen circumstance. She’s a bit more reserved, but she started calling me mom basically from day one, and based on experience in foster care, we told her she could call me whatever made her feel comfortable but made sure her mother’s role was prioritized and she would always be her mother, regardless of the circumstances. The youngest one took a bit more time. We met at a park and had a great time. Based on her age, she didn’t fully understand who I was, but that wasn’t really important. We weren’t trying to have a conversation about roles, we just had fun with her. I feel we have a great relationship. I feel the relationships I’ve been able to build with my stepchildren all have been so much more than I could have pictured as a child never wanting to be a stepmother.

I know I could never hurt them like I was hurt. I know I could never make them feel less than like I felt. I know I could never intentionally cause them pain. I know that I will always prioritize them, just like I prioritize my biological son and adopted son. I know that I will show up for them just like I show up for my sons. I know that I will be there for them however I can.

Unfortunately, their mothers aren’t my biggest fans. Two of their mothers have texted that I am nothing to their children. I have been insulted with such vitriol that I sometimes start to question myself. It has been requested multiple times that I not be around their children, transport their children, or say anything to defend my husband because, again, I am nothing. My youngest stepchild tells me often that “My mommy says you’re not my mom,” she’s told my son, “My mommy says you’re not my brother,” and she’s told my husband, “My mommy says that this isn’t my home and that her house is my home.” These statements were all made randomly. Their mothers have actively tried to stop my husband from having contact with their children because I am around. They’ve lied multiple times and stand strong on the lies, even when evidence is shown to the contrary.

Again, I’ve tried to be understanding, but it’s hard. They claim their intent is to protect their children. But what about the impact? I see the anxiety in their children’s eyes when they accidentally call me mom and quickly correct. A scenario I feared might happen happened not long ago. My oldest saw a friend and their mom in public. During the conversation, the mom asked if the four kids that were with me were mine. At the time, I had my son and my oldest stepdaughter and then my stepdaughter’s best friend and her little sister. I said that my son and stepdaughter were mine and the other two were best friends. I saw my oldest stepdaughter’s eyes. You could tell she didn’t know what to do. She laughed and said she was kinda mine. I’ve talked to her about it since then and asked for her preference if that happens. She said she’s okay with me saying she’s mine. (Not exactly how she said it, she said she didn’t care either way, lol)

I don’t care what their mother’s think of me. Well, that’s not true. I actually do care, very much. I hate that they think negatively of me. I hate that there’s so much conflict all the time, for seemingly no reason. I hate that our children all will likely pick up on it if things don’t improve. I know they have pain I know nothing about, but I will never do to their children what was done to me. When they’re with me, I will always claim them as mine. I will never sit there and try to explain to strangers which child is biologically mine and which is only “mine” because I married their father.

Children don’t tend to know about intent. They only experience impact. They don’t know that their parents have feelings they know nothing about and that’s why they’re acting a certain way. They don’t know that maybe their mom or dad treated their other parent poorly and that’s why they’re speaking negatively about someone they love. They don’t know the significance of a title and that sometimes it feels some type of way to hear someone else be referred to as that title.

Kids are smart, but they miss out on the nuance. Kids just want to experience love. Kids don’t care about titles. They care about who shows up and loves them the way they need. I hug my stepchildren when they scrap their knee or something upsets them and they reach for me, just like I would my sons. I hear about their interests and dreams just like I do my sons. I tell them I love them, give them hugs and kisses, and tell them good morning and goodnight every day they’re with us. I sit in the audience of all their events. I do everything as if they were my own. I hope they always experience love and joy when they’re with me. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my stepmother. I wish I had a better relationship with my father. It hurts me to know that I likely won’t have a healthy relationship with them. What I can control right now is how I show up for my children. I know that I’m simply trying to love all the children I care for, whether that’s as a biological mother, stepmother, or the mom/stepmom of one of my kids’ friends. I know that I will do everything in my power to help my husband have the relationship his children deserve to have with him. I know that I will do everything I can to keep making efforts for my son to have a relationship with his father and stepmother.

For anyone who is a stepparent or is experiencing their child be around a stepparent, remember the nuance. Remember that our jobs are to center our children, love them the way they deserve, and surround them with others who love them just as much. I know it’s hard. I don’t claim to be perfect and have not handled everything how I should have. Try your best and do things with kindness. Hopefully things will work out!

I’m fully aware some people over step boundaries. Again, nuance. Assuming both parents are showing up how they need to show up, a stepparent loving a child isn’t going to cause any harm. I’m fully aware every situation is different and all people are different. Center your child/children, process any resentment/hurt you have for your child’s other parent, get to know the people in your child’s/children’s lives before judging, and things will hopefully be better for everyone.

I love all you beautiful humans! Keep showing up for those you love, but don’t forget to love yourself as well! Being a human is hard, but you’re doing great! (Unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, or intentionally causing harm because you’re mad, etc… then you need to be better)

Evidence

Picture it. It’s Christmas Eve. Your children have been asleep for a reasonable amount of time for you to step in and begin to finalize the Christmas magic. You put the presents under the tree. You fill the stockings. You take a bite out of the cookies and drink all the milk left for “Santa.” You maybe leave some tracks that look like Santa’s footprints or reindeer hooves. Then you leave a little note from Santa thanking your children for the snacks and for being so “nice” that year.

What would you call all that?

I’d call it evidence. It’s evidence that Santa exists. It’s evidence of Christmas magic your sweet children can’t even begin to understand. Without all the theatrics in December (even earlier for many) there would not be much reason for children to believe Santa exists.

Christmas music plays everywhere you go. Christmas movie marathons are on every channel (if you haven’t gone completely stream based). Schools host Christmas pageants and hype up the holiday spirit. “Santa’s” face is everywhere you look. You wait in line to get pictures with him for goodness sakes.

With all this “evidence” around, children don’t tend to question their parents for some time about the legitimacy of Santa.

It’s not until they start to be able to notice holes in your story or find counter evidence of their own that the “magic” begins to simply become reality.

You forgot to leave a note. They didn’t get the gift they asked Santa for. They see you putting the gifts under the tree when they got up to use the bathroom. Their friend has a magical elf but they don’t.

Without supportive evidence, Santa doesn’t really make any sense. Our brains like what we can see, but we can easily be convinced something exists if someone we trust tells us it does and creates enough “evidence” to back it up.

Most people believe someone loves them when the evidence backs it up. Their partner listens to them. Their partner shows up for important life events. Their partner says affirming statements. Their partner surprises them with an item or activity they enjoy. Their partner helps care for them when they’re ill. If someone’s partner is rarely around, doesn’t really speak much when they’re ill, forgets important aspects of their life, and isn’t there in times of need, that person is likely not going to believe they are loved even if the person says they do.

Evidence. It could also be considered actions. However you want to classify a verified way to show that something is true.

Jobs expect evidence that you’re doing your job correctly. The government requires evidence to show you are who you say you are. Schools require evidence to show you’re learning the information that is being taught. Evidence is required/preferred all throughout our lives, even if we’re not actively thinking about it.

I’m assuming if you read this far you may be wondering about the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to help people.

Over the last 10ish years of my life, I have worked with the community to help people though hard periods in their lives. I worked for Child Protective Services (CPS) in Texas for seven years. Now I work for a Community Mental Health Clinic.

Honestly, the system is not designed to fully help those struggling. The system can’t easily fix people’s biggest problems which was/is almost always lack of money and lack of support.

Yes, illegal substances were involved in the majority of cases I worked in CPS. Yes, some clients I work with now have a substance use history. The reality is, a major barrier for people overcoming substance usage is that they lack healthy support and money to address problems in their lives that tend to trigger them to use.

Despite the difficulties and barriers, I have seen many fight their hardest to do things even without the finances and support they need. I have seen many fight despite having awful legal representation. I have seen people fight and no one believed them. I have seen people fight and listened to others cut them down or say it will never be enough. I have seen individuals who represent the state lie and be believed because of who they represent.

The judicial system is not fair. A judge can do pretty much do whatever they want to do if they’re creative enough with how they do it. Some give grace. Some don’t. It can depend on their mood, whether an election is upcoming, or who the case is involving. Also a case is only as strong as the evidence presented. Even if it’s not true, if you make a compelling enough argument, you may be able to convince the jury or judge to doubt. In a lot of cases, doubt is enough to ruin a person. A parent can be trying their hardest but if no one has the evidence, it doesn’t matter.

Unfortunately, I’m sure there are parents out there who would not speak highly of me. I did have to testify and make recommendations to permanently remove parental rights for parents who the evidence suggested were not safe. I tried to tell all the parents I worked with that I would do everything in my power to help them. I tried to tell them that all I do is report evidence. I tried to tell them that I would not do anything to harm them, but simply report to the court the facts. Sometimes the facts didn’t look great for them. I live with their faces in my head forever now. Terminating a parents rights is horrific. I hated it, but I also know that I did so with the children’s best interests in mind. I tried to tell the parents that their children would be adults some day and hopefully they can be in a better position to still be present in their children’s lives. I strongly advocated for family placements and for foster parents to do everything in their power to keep biological family involved if they weren’t necessarily safe to be caregivers.

I reported a few concerns during my time at CPS. Racist workers. Homophobic workers. Straight liars. Unfortunately, more often than not excuses were made to justify that person’s actions, they moved to a county where their behavior is more tolerable, or they were my superior, and I was accused of being hostile.

I left CPS about two years ago. My husband’s child’s other parent became involved in a Department of Community Based Services (DCBS) case last year. While the case has since closed, I experienced what it was like to be on the other side of a caseworker visit. Unfortunately, it was a horrific experience. The workers were unprofessional, falsified documentation, lied about having conversations with my husband, and honestly completely ignored child safety. I reported the concerns over and over, and I have no reason to believe anything was done as the concerns only increased the higher up the chain I had to go.

Through my current position, I have seen parents be mistreated, ignored, and honestly talked about as if they were the scum of the Earth.

There’s quite a bit of nuance to this, but I don’t trust DCBS in my town. I don’t trust CPS in Texas. In saying that, I met so many phenomenal workers during my time at CPS, and I know there’s bound to be at least one decent person that works for DCBS where I live now.

Like I stated, I’m writing this blog to help. I don’t want to increase anyone’s anxiety, because if you’re like me, you’ve probably already got enough. However, unfortunately, you should be cautious when it comes to systems. Black families around the country already have to tell their children to be cautious as it is, so this isn’t a surprise to Black people.

I’m not saying there aren’t good people in systems trying to help, so don’t come for me. I already know. However, it often doesn’t matter how good you are when you’re at the bottom barely being listened to and overwhelmed trying to help all the people being crushed.

I need anyone who reads this to truly look at the heart of what I’m writing. Everyone deserves support, but not everyone can access the same support or has the knowledge to stand up for themselves. Attorneys deserve to be paid, but they’re expensive. Your child can be ripped from you and if you can’t afford an attorney, who knows what could happen.

I’m writing this for everyone, but I’m really writing it for those who lack effective/healthy support and are in the unfortunate position of standing up for themselves alone or who have lackluster support/representation. I love my husband, but if he didn’t have me with the experience that I had, he would have been absolutely f***ed by the system and how horrific these people attempted to treat him. I wouldn’t let it happen to him, and I’m not going to let it happen to others if I can do something to prevent it!

I know this is long, but please hang in there. A few comments I need to add before I get to my suggestions.

This is NOT legal advice. I am NOT an attorney. I am simply making suggestions that I feel may help in the event you find yourself involved with a system. This is all based on my experience working in a system and as a person impacted by a system’s involvement with my family. I highly suggest legal representation if you can obtain it!

Okay, so now I’m going to list my suggestions. Here we go:

1. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Anytime a system is involved with you, they should be documenting that involvement in their system. You should be doing the same thing. Honestly, if they can, why can’t you? I literally documented every visit DCBS made to our home, phone call, email, and text message in a Microsoft word document. Yes, I have been trained how to document. Many of you won’t have that experience. So, let me tell you what’s important. Write down the date and the time of the contact. Write down the full name of the person(s) who contacted you. Write down the purpose of the contact. Was it a home visit? Was it to let you know of a court date? Was it to let you know of a service they are setting up for you or your family? Whatever the purpose, write it down. If they asked you questions, write them down and what you responded. If you don’t anticipate remembering after the contact, keep a notebook and write it down during the contact. If they don’t like that, who cares! You’re protecting you and your family and have every right to take the time to ensure what is being discussed is documented properly. Ask for the status of your case and document their response.

2. TEXT OR EMAIL OVER CALLS.

This goes along with documenting everything. Systems love phone calls. If there’s proof they called a number, that looks good in court. However, they can document anything they want that occurred in the phone call. They also love to count that as connecting with you and will try to do that over in person visits if they can. Try to avoid long phone calls if you can. Ask for them to text or email the purpose of their call and then respond back to them your answer in text or email. This protects you so you have proof of what was said in court and you don’t tend to find yourself in a he said/she said battle where the people with badges tend to be believed.

3. RECORD.

Honestly, it was a little frustrating to have a camera in my face, but the reality is, I appreciate people trying to protect themselves. I function as if I’m being recorded. I try to be the same everywhere I go. I ain’t trying to lie and harm people. However, many people will and do so happily. Unless there is documentation stating you are not allowed to record, RECORD! If they say you can’t record, then ask for written proof of why. If they provide it, and you don’t feel comfortable proceeding with the conversation, then don’t. If they try to use that against you and say you refused to cooperate, you can say you didn’t feel comfortable because you didn’t have support or the ability to record to protect yourself.

4. DON’T GO TO MEETINGS ALONE.

If you’re meeting with a worker from a system, don’t do it alone. If you don’t have an option, then either record, or don’t go. If you choose not to go, DOCUMENT! Send an email or text to the people who requested the meeting with the reason being that you don’t feel comfortable without support or being allowed to record. Having at least one other person to back you up is helpful if someone attempts to say something happened you know didn’t happen. Is a court going to believe you or multiple CPS people? Unfortunately, without proof, they’re likely not going to believe you. If you have a second person backing you up, it creates doubt. Now, I have had plenty of cases where a client has support and they’re all straight lying. Let’s not do that. I’m writing this with positive intent, not to use it as a manipulative tool. If you’re wrong, admit you’re wrong. I promise if you lie and get away with it, you’re risking a lot if you keep trying to push it. The truth generally finds its way to the light.

5. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

I don’t actually mean do not sign anything, but pretty close. If you can’t read, please for the love of humanity, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING! I imagine if you can’t read, you’re not reading this. So, for anyone who loves someone who can’t read, PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR LOVED ONE WHO CANNOT READ SIGN ANYTHING! Ask for it to be noted that you refuse to sign based on inability to read and then for a copy of that note to be provided. Even if you can’t read it, your signature at least won’t be on it. If the document is not in your primary language, DO NOT SIGN IT! I don’t care if it was interpreted. Absolutely not. If someone wants you to sign something, it needs to be in your language. I promise they can pay for the document to be translated. If the document is not final, DO NOT SIGN IT! The DCBS staff attempted to use that one against us in court. They said we refused to sign one of their plans but they clearly stated their handwritten version was not the final document. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I don’t sign documents that aren’t final when a system is involved. I have no reason to believe they won’t add something I didn’t agree to. If the document is final, in your primary language, and you can read and feel comfortable signing, then that’s up to you. If you don’t have legal representation, you can say you would prefer to sign following review by your legal counsel and have that noted as your reason for not signing. If you do sign without legal counsel, request a copy of the document. If they say they’ll have to get it to you later, DO NOT SIGN! They should have a copy available for you. If they don’t, they need to do better. If they tell you that you’re not allowed to have a copy, DO NOT SIGN. What do you mean I can’t have a copy of something I signed? ABSOLUTELY NOT! That’s a lie and sketchy as hell. Again, another thing DCBS tried to pull on my husband. He signed something before asking for a copy, they tried to pull that, and I asked for his signature to be revoked and then they let me scan a copy. Yes, I reported it. No, nothing was done about it. If you sign it, please just make sure you get a copy. You are allowed to refuse signature and still request a copy that way you are fully aware of the reason for refusal. They’re going to paint you as difficult, as they did us, but if you have a justified reason, hopefully the court will understand.

6. KEEP BACK UP RECORDS.

Phones can get damaged. Passwords can be forgotten. Technology is not always reliable. I am a binder girlie. I know people hate to see me coming with a binder nowadays. I’m not playing with people. If you have text messages, screenshot them and print them out. If you have emails, print them out. If you have any type of evidence you want a court to see, print it out! You’re rarely allowed to have your phone with you, but you can bring paper. Bring your evidence and stand up for yourself! Send copies to your family and friends if you have to. Send copies to everyone involved in your case. The more people who have copies of the evidence, the better.

7. SAVE CALL ATTEMPTS.

A lot of times, it’s on you to set up services recommended by a system. They say they’ll help, but more often than not, it’s on you. Sure, there can be arguments made about accountability, but regardless, it’s likely going to be on you at the end of the day. If you call and are not successful, screenshot the call attempt and then forward that info in an email or text to the system you’re working with immediately. If you don’t have a device that can screenshot, then still send an email stating you tried to call and you don’t have a device that can screenshot. Basically, “I tried to call such and such place but I didn’t get an answer. Any support to get this set up is appreciated.” If you have a record of your attempts and notification to the system of the attempts, you can back yourself up in court when someone tries to say you haven’t done what you’re supposed to do. I had a client accused of not doing drug testing, but when I asked their worker where and when they had been set up they said they haven’t set them up yet. You best believe I checked them on that. How you going to say this parent isn’t drug testing when you haven’t requested them to do so?

8. KEEP EMOTIONS LIMITED/STICK TO FACTS.

You best believe the DCBS staff I encountered were called every name I could think of inside my head. In person, I attempted to stick to facts. Sometimes I snapped a little, but I snapped with facts. Systems have no issues attempting to paint you as the crazy one. Even if you’re correct, you come at people with curse words, threats, or perceived hostility, they’re going to paint you as the problem. They’re going to do it even if you’re pleasant, but it’s going to be much harder for you if you’re not. I’ve heard of a few parents concerned about bullying of their kids in school and feeling as if the schools weren’t doing enough. One of these sweet parents is quick to get spicy. I’ve tried to help them reel it in and redirect their valid concerns into productive results. DCBS did not like that I had the knowledge to counter their poor behaviors and they attempted to present me as the problem. I had the evidence to back up that this was not the case. I had the patience to back up that this was not the case. Keep your emotions in check, and come at things with facts and evidence. Emotions are opinions. Facts are facts. You can think someone is a bitch but the why you think that is more important. This person is concerning because they didn’t come to your home to see the child for three months, they falsified documentation, they lied about talking to you for an hour when the record indicates 10 minutes, they attempted to not give you a copy of a document you signed. (Yes, all of this happened to us)

———

If you got here, bless you. I appreciate you sticking around. I’m hopeful you won’t find yourself having to use these suggestions, but if you do, I hope they’re helpful. At the end of the day, if you’re moving with intention to keep you and your family safe, you’re doing the best you can.

It’s not easy dealing with failing systems. I hope you find the people out there who actually care, but if you don’t, stay strong. Get informed. Find healthy support and DOCUMENT! Evidence is what helps most people at the end of the day.

Thank you to the helpers who actually care about the people the systems they work with impact. Keep doing the good work!

I love all you beautiful humans. Stay safe out there!

30 Questions to Ask Your Partner, Part 3!

I cried on Thursday of this week (I’m writing this on Saturday).  I realized on Thursday that I did not publish a blog the previous day.  I decided at the first of the year that I would publish a blog every seven days.  I’ve been trying to accomplish bucket list item number 54, “Write a blog a week at least one year.”

Every seven days would mean each Wednesday of the year I would need to publish a blog.  I work a full-time job, I’m a wife, my husband and I have five kids, and we’re just crazy busy.  The idea sounded good initially, but I realized on Thursday that Wednesday is a terrible day to try to have as a deadline.  I had every intention to write a blog; I have twelve drafts waiting for me to finish. 

Wednesdays are probably my least favorite day of the week.  If you know, you know.  If you don’t, just be glad you don’t have to deal with what we deal with on Wednesdays.  Anyways, technically, I have written a blog every full week of the year so far, considering January 1st was on a Thursday.  I’ve decided, since it’s my bucket list and I can do what I want, that I’m pushing my deadline each week to Saturday.  Hopefully this will help!  If not, I tried my best and will try again next year. 

I have been trying to decide what to write because if nothing is posted today, then everything I wrote above would be irrelevant.  I do have 12 drafts, but none of them are flowing how I want yet, so I’m starting with an idea that came to my mind. 

Today is Valentine’s Day!  It’s the second with my husband, and it looks quite a bit different than last year.  Last year we took a mini trip together and spent some time traveling on our own.  This year we spent the day with two of our kiddos (technically three, but teenagers don’t find hanging out with their parents as cool as a seven and four-year-old do).  Today has been a lot of fun (it’s still in progress)!  We got Valentine’s themed nail polish and matching hair ties for the three of us girls.  My husband and I are wearing matching T-shirts.  It’s been adorable. 

I mention all this, because your life can change a lot in a short amount of time.  When I posted my first “30 Questions to Ask Your Partner” blog, I was single.  When I posted my second, I was single.  I thought it would be fun to post another now that I’m in a relationship.  I’m not just in a relationship, though, I’M MARRIED!  How crazy?  

If y’all have been following me recently, you know I’ve written a few blogs that mention my husband.  I LOVE this man.  He’s my best friend.  I’m trying to keep this man FOREVER. 

Relationships aren’t easy.  I went into my first relationship as an adult with such an innocent mindset.  I know now that there is so much more to a relationship than those initial feelings of excitement.  I think most people know that, but sometimes when you’re in a relationship, you’re an idiot.  It’s important to talk about the things you may not think about when you’re in the idiot phase of a relationship, haha.

So, while most of the questions in the first two parts were silly, I’m going to try to have a more serious version for part three. 

My marriage hasn’t been perfect, but it’s pretty close.  If the outside world would chill the heck out, we’d be golden, honestly.  I want healthy relationships for the whole world.  I want everyone, if they want to, to find an amazing partner like mine.  It’s going to take patience, for sure, but relationships are worth the effort. 

Seriously, though.  My husband and I put a lot of work into our relationship.  We have no interest in letting the other go.  So, here I am with some question ideas to help you decide if your relationship is worth going the distance in!

  1. Do you like to shower alone or together?
  2. What is your dream job?
  3. Do you have any previous partners that are still involved in your life?
  4. What are your thoughts about therapy?
  5. Do you want children/more children?
  6. How often do you do your laundry?
  7. Do you clean out your hairbrush often or ignore it until it’s weird?
  8. How long would you ideally live where you live now?
  9. Do you like to cook or eat out?
  10. What do you do to ease stress?
  11. How often would you prefer to have sex?
  12. Do you know what overstimulated means?
  13. What’s a guilty pleasure you find yourself buying often?
  14. Do you believe in spanking children?
  15. What is your perspective on physical affection aside from sex?
  16. Do you have any health goals you’re working towards or want to work towards?
  17. Would you participate in a hobby I like but you don’t like as much?
  18. Do you need space or connection when you’re upset?
  19. How would you feel if your child reported they were LGBTQ+?
  20. Do you vote?  Why or why not?
  21. How do you like to decorate your space?
  22. Are you an indoor or outdoor person?
  23. Do you have a habit anyone has mentioned is annoying?
  24. How do you like to be celebrated on your birthday?
  25. What do your family holidays look like?
  26. Do you have any handy skills?
  27. Are you interested in traveling?
  28. Do you have any thoughts on saving money?
  29. What does your bedtime routine look like?
  30. Do you attend a church/are you religious?

——

If you’ve read the previous two parts, you’ll know that I have to go back through and explain my reasoning behind these questions.  So, here we go!

1. Do you like to shower alone or together?

I’m a showering together girlie.  It’s such a peaceful time with my husband.  Sometimes it’s the one moment we’re alone during a day outside of cuddling up to go to sleep.  I highly suggest showering with your spouse.  Physical affection may not be important to everyone, so you gotta do you, but it’s fun!

2. What is your dream job?

Does your partner want to move across the world to achieve their dream?  Is their dream job to be president and come with a lot of stress?  It’s important to know what your partner may be interested in doing and if you’re going to be up for joining them for the ride. 

3. Do you have any previous partners that are still involved in your life?

Is there an ex hanging around that might cause issues?  Does your partner have children whose other parent might contribute to arguments in your relationship?  Is there a plan for what contact looks like between their previous partner and you as their new partner?

4. What are your thoughts about therapy?

Does your partner understand the value of addressing any past traumas?  Does your partner value seeking expert advice during tough times?  Do they think therapy is stupid and think they should just tough it out.  If you have differing opinions on this, that’s likely going to cause y’all some problems.

5. Do you want children/more children?

If they don’t want children and you do, you should probably just end the relationship.  There’s no sense in hoping maybe they’ll change their mind.  That’s just causing you pain that is not necessary.  Go find someone that’s in the same headspace as you regarding children.  If they want more children, are they involved with the children they already have?  If not, are you sure you want to have more with them?  That doesn’t seem logical. 

6. How often do you do your laundry?

This one has been a struggle for my husband and I!  We don’t really have a schedule and we have five children, so it sometimes overwhelms us.  Not having a schedule has created a few times when we’re frustrated because we don’t have any clean pants or the pile of clean clothes has sat for a few days and we’re all digging in it trying to find socks.  It might be important to know your partner’s plans for addressing these obligations.

7. Do you clean out your hairbrush often or ignore it until it’s weird?

This one makes me giggle.  My husband is always telling me how annoying it is that I don’t clean out my hairbrush.  I don’t know what to tell him, haha!  My ADHD just does not let me care about it past the act of brushing my hair.  I mean, at least I take care of my hair.  He cleans out all our hairbrushes for us.  He’s awesome for that.  It might be helpful to know if your potential spouse is willing to do the weird stuff you neglect to help you out. 

8. How long would you ideally live where you live now?

If your partner wants to stay where they are and never move, but you’d like to explore new places, that’s likely going to cause issues at some point.  It’s probably good to address this one quickly.

9. Do you like to cook or eat out?

This is helpful to address finances.  If someone prefers eating out, that could get expensive.  If neither of you know how to cook, that could become an issue.  If only one of you likes to cook, is the one who likes to cook okay with doing most of the cooking? 

10. What do you do to ease stress?

Do they scream and punch things?  You should probably leave if so.  Do they go for walks?  Do they journal?  Do they ignore you?  Do they talk to you?  This one is so important.  If they can’t handle stress or don’t have any coping skills, that is going to be a major problem.  Stress is going to come, and you and your partner need to know how y’all are going to handle it when it comes. 

11. How often would you prefer to have sex?

Sex is important in a marriage, at least I think so.  If that’s not your thing, you might want to check how your partner feels about that.  Life can get busy, and if you aren’t paying attention, you and your spouse can end up neglecting your relationship because you’re not connecting through physical affection.  When talking with people about relationships, it’s pretty common that when they report there are problems, sex is not occurring.  If you talk about your desires, you’re hopefully less likely to miss the cues from your spouse about when they want/need sex.

12. Do you know what overstimulated means?

Oh man.  If they don’t know, they need to know.  Sometimes my husband be goofing off with me and trying to stick his fingers in my nose or something else goofy.  When the kids have been all up in my space or my body just feels weird, him trying to do goofy stuff just isn’t it for me.  Most other times, I don’t mind.  There are just times when overstimulation can cause conflict if your spouse can’t read your cues.

13. What’s a guilty pleasure you find yourself buying often?

My husband loves to buy Coca Colas.  Sometimes I’m like, bro, you don’t need to be buying a Coca Cola right now.  It’s not necessarily one time that’s an issue, but if money is ever tight, and they’re buying something often, it could become an issue.  That was the only example I could come up with, but you get the concept. 

14. Do you believe in spanking children?

If one of you does and the other doesn’t, it’s going to cause problems.  It’s unavoidable, regardless of whether you think it won’t.  I promise it will.  Those are some pretty significant belief differences.  Talk about it.  This is a big one to determine if a relationship is likely to work or not, in my opinion.

15. What is your perspective on physical affection aside from sex?

I love touching my husband.  I’m not out here being weird in public or anything.  I just love to hold his hand, hug him, touch his beautiful face.  Anything really.  And I know there’s all kinds of couples’ videos out there that show women enjoying when their husbands slap their butt.  I am no different.  My husband is very similar.  His hands are usually on me if I’m around him.  There’s just something about sweet affection that we love.  If you don’t like to be touched but your spouse does, that could easily become a problem. 

16. Do you have any health goals you’re working towards or want to work towards?

If you’re not content with your body, that may contribute to issues in your relationship.  I’ve personally experienced insecurities that I’ve assumed my partner also held.  If you think you’re ugly, you’re likely thinking your partner thinks you’re ugly, even if logic says that’s definitely not the case.  If you’re a vegetarian and your partner isn’t in to that, something like that could also contribute to issues.

17. Would you participate in a hobby I like but you don’t as much?

Most people have different interests.  Even if your hobbies are similar, if you prefer going to the gym but your spouse likes to hike outdoors, you might want to know if they are willing to join you or not.  Is it important to do the things you enjoy with your partner or are you content with separate time doing different hobbies?

18. Do you need space or connection when you’re upset?

I love to talk things out immediately.  My husband generally likes to think things through and chill for a bit before he addresses an issue.  I like to be near him even when I’m frustrated.  He sometimes needs to go fishing or do something outside when he’s upset.  It’s good to know what your spouse needs to help ensure you’re able to address conflict that will inevitably come up.

19. How would you feel if your child reported they were LGBTQ+?

I literally do not care.  I’ve dated people in the past that have had issues with this.  If you and your partner differ on this, you probably need to break up.  Your children deserve to know they are safe with you regardless of their identity development.

20. Do you vote?  Why or why not?

Politics isn’t just a cute trend.  This is serious stuff.  If your partner doesn’t vote, and you do, that could be an issue.  Are they not voting because of complete difference in opinion, lack of knowledge on political issues, or do they think their vote doesn’t matter?  It’s important to talk about this to ensure you align your overall beliefs and how you want to navigate the political climate that will impact you whether you think so or not.

21. How do you like to decorate your space?

I’m a little chaotic.  My husband seems to enjoy it and has fun ideas for decorating in a similar vibe as well.  I’ve definitely been insulted in prior relationships though.  If you’re planning to live together, decorating a space is going to come up.  I imagine it will cause issues if you do not align.

22. Are you an indoor or outdoor person?

I could sit in my bed forever if nobody stopped me, haha!  I love reading and writing inside my home.  My husband thrives outdoors.  That man is so beautiful when he’s out moving about the world.  I love the differences, but sometimes I need to chill and he just be going all the time.  We’ve had to talk about balance, and we’ve figured out what works for us.  It’s important to talk about because if you differ, this could become an issue if you don’t address it. 

23. Do you have a habit anyone has mentioned is annoying?

I can’t think of anything annoying for my husband or myself at the moment.  I know there’s things that exist though.  It could be an opportunity for self-exploration with your partner.  Maybe there’s a habit you haven’t mentioned that bothers you and you want to address it in a respectful way.  When you are with someone for a while, you’re bound to find something that annoys you.  It’s important not to let yourself get too offended if your partner is being respectful about addressing something that might bother them. 

24. How do you like to be celebrated on your birthday?

July is my birth month.  I love celebrating all month.  I love surprises.  I love doing anything fun and exciting.  My husband is a little more chill.  He would likely be content just fishing all day.  It’s good to know how your partner enjoys being celebrated so you don’t plan something that is more towards your interests than theirs.

25. What do your family holidays look like?

Where are y’all going to spend the holidays?  Is there any family drama your partner should know about?  How many homes are you going to have to visit?  Is someone going to expect you to cook?  My husband’s family is huge, and I enjoy getting to see so many people around the holidays.  My family is small, but I still enjoy getting to eat my momma’s food despite it just being me and her around to celebrate. 

26. Do you have any handy skills?

My husband can fix all the things.  That’s amazing.  If neither you nor your partner can fix stuff, what is the plan for when stuff gets broken?  Do you plan to hire someone?  Are y’all going to try to wing it and DIY?  It’s important to discuss the plans for the unexpected!

27. Are you interested in traveling?

My husband has no interest in flying.  It’s on my bucket list to go to Kenya to visit Giraffe Manor and visit the Australia Zoo.  That would require flying.  I would also much prefer my husband being there.  I have to accept that I might not be going or will have to go alone.  I don’t have the money for either of those things at this point, but if I ever do, I don’t have a solid idea of what I will do yet.  These are things you want to discuss because if traveling is huge for you and your spouse doesn’t like it, I can guarantee that will become a problem.

28. Do you have any thoughts on saving money?

Emergencies are going to pop up.  Do you and/or your partner have money to plan for them?  If not, what are your plans to do so?  Money is a huge contributor to marriage conflict.  I promise you want to make sure you talk about money before committing to a long-term relationship. 

29. What does your bedtime routine look like?

My husband loves to spoon.  I was a back sleeper when we met.  It was a tough transition sleeping on my side every night.  I have adapted just fine, but if you’re possibly going to sleep next to someone for the rest of your life, you might want to know how they prefer to sleep.  This man tries to freeze me out of the home with fans, but we’ve made it work because he’s basically a heater himself and we’ve got cozy blankets.  We also pretty much always go to sleep at the same time.  I imagine not every couple can or wants to do that. 

30. Do you attend a church/are you religious?

I love our church.  I hadn’t been going to church prior to meeting my husband, but I love that we go together now.  He invited me to his childhood church early on in our relationship, and I’m eternally grateful.  It’s so comforting to be around people that love you and care about you the way our church family does.  I can’t imagine not sharing the same love for church as my spouse.  If you want to go to different churches, that will likely create conflict at some point.  Discuss it and discuss it early!

——

That’s it!  Another 30 questions down!  I love writing these blogs.  I posted one in 2022, 2024, and now 2026.  Maybe I’ll post another in 2028!  If you read this far, thank you!  I truly hope you have a healthy love in your life, and if you don’t, I hope one finds you!  You deserve healthy love and if you don’t know what that looks like, hopefully my blogs can help you learn!

Shark Energy

I texted my brother the morning I started writing this blog because I wanted to show him my new tattoo. His response after I sent him the picture was, “Lol, why a hammerhead shark?”

My response was, “Cause I think they’re cute and I just love shark energy in general.”

I really started to think about why it is I love sharks. I’m not even sure when the love began. I don’t even know where my hammerhead stuffy came from. I somehow have a hammerhead shark onesie and a shark wearable blanket. And now I have a hammerhead shark tattoo.

What did I mean by “shark energy,” though?

I enjoy that sharks just be going about doing their shark business. They aren’t out trying to eat humans for fun. However, if you’re there, and they’re hungry, it’s a possibility you get hurt or eaten.

If you haven’t already gathered from previous blogs, (welcome, if this is your first blog of mine you’ve read) I’m just a random goofball person.

I’m just out here trying to find joy in life.

I promise I don’t like sharks because they bite people sometimes. I just made a random comparison in my head that I enjoyed.

I’m truly a very kind person. I don’t say that because I’m full of myself, it just is what it is. I have always aspired to be a kind person in every interaction. Over the years I’ve learned what true empathy looks like, and I’ve worked to function in that regard.

I try to mind my business and do what I can to remember that my choices are my own and I can’t and don’t want to control other’s choices.

The shark energy comes in to play because yes, I’m going to mind my business, but if you’re a jerk, I might bite off your arm.

Figuratively, of course.

Bullies weren’t really a thing I dealt with as a child, aside from maybe my dad being one, but I didn’t realize that at the time. I also didn’t spend the majority of my time with him, so I could ignore the nonsense for the most part. Anyways, I didn’t really have any reason to stand up for myself.

College is when I started to bump into conflict. My college roommate would do something inconsiderate. My boyfriend would only acknowledge me when it was convenient for him. Classmates said things that were clearly sexist, racist, or homophobic.

I ignored a lot of it, or let it pass because I didn’t want to offend anyone. Sometimes I would try to say something but not everything I would really like to say, because they pushed back, and I didn’t have the strength for the debate/argument.

I remember one college professor doing hypnosis demonstrations in class. I was nervous at first but eventually volunteered during a group demonstration. I told him I wanted to stop being a pushover.

I haven’t heard much about hypnosis or even know of its validity since that class, but I remember one day my mom saying “you’re different since being hypnotized.” I don’t recall her meaning it positively. My mom loves me and I her, but we differ on a number of things.

I don’t know if hypnosis is the cause or simply a correlation, but I did start standing up for myself and others more after that. Now I live in this shark energy kinda vibe. I’m chill, but come for me, those I love, or try to take rights away from people, I, again, may bite your arm off.

I thrive off learning. I soak in evidence based information like it’s a warm bath. My brain craves knowledge and seeks it out any chance it gets. I love using that information to help people’s lives be better. It bothers me that others don’t share this type of energy.

So many people are only out here for themselves and then want to blame the shark when they get bitten. You can’t be out here messing up other people’s lives based on whatever you want and on your beliefs and then be mad when someone snaps back. If you’re in the ocean, you may get bit.

I don’t fully know why this blog came to my mind, but there’s just something about sharks that bring me joy, and I love that I now have such a daily physical reminder of their energy.

I try to have a kind message in all my blogs. The message I’ve been writing at the end of most is to be kind to others but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well!

That’s fair in this one as well. However, I just want to add that be mindful of what you do and where you do it. If you’re more worried about what choices someone else is making, you may not notice the shark swimming up to bite your arm off. If the choice someone else makes isn’t harming you, mind your business.

I love y’all! I hope the message landed, and if not, maybe I’ll try again to explain my thoughts on another day.

Gluten Free. Who, Me?

I started this journey into blog writing thanks to a class I was taking back in 2022. The first three blogs were intro blogs necessary to meet class requirements. The next three were some ideas I came up with to continue on with the blog following the class ending. Those three introduced my book club and my best friend, the inspiration behind the primary novel I am writing. While I loved all six of those blogs, I think it was blog seven that really kicked things off for me and helped get my blog to where it is today. If you’re reading this, that means you’re reading my 75th blog!

Internal Ariel and external Ariel are both equally giddy. I vocalized my excitement to my husband as I realized that I am working on blog 75. This wasn’t my original plan for the blog I intended to publish this week, but I am a mood writer, and my mood says this is what needs to be published next.

Blog seven meant a lot to me when I wrote it. I reread it prior to starting this blog. Blog seven has often been on my mind. It marked the first look I really gave readers into my mind. I’m not asking readers of this blog to go back and read that one, although that’d be cool and it’s called “Big Dreams and Big Struggles” if you wanted to check it out, but it’s important to provide the context for the point of this blog. In blog seven, I write about my struggles with food. I wish I could say things went great from that day on. Unfortunately, that’s so far from the truth.

In blog seven, I mentioned that I was the heaviest I’d ever been. Well, fun fact. I got heavier. I would estimate I gained about 40 pounds more in the years following that blog post. I also mentioned in blog seven that I was the most stressed, dissatisfied with life, and loneliest I’d ever been. So, it makes sense that maybe my depression won for a bit, and things got worse for me.

I’m not going to go into the ways my life has improved since then. If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you may have seen all the blogs mentioning all the positive changes. My intent behind this blog, is to be honest about my ongoing struggles. Looking back at blog seven, I recognize the potential impact it could have on others, but I also see that it is impactful for me as well. I appreciate past Ariel being so honest and writing with such beautiful intent and desire to help others.

Sure, present Ariel is in a much better space mentally than blog seven Ariel. However, I can’t sit here and say I don’t still struggle with food. I know that I do. I know that I always will. Everyone has something they struggle with. I know my struggle is food. Thankfully, with the mental space I’m in now, I recognize I’m so much more than a number on a scale. I know I’m worth more as a human than others may believe because of the size of my body.

I am never going to sit here and say I’m perfectly satisfied with how I look. I’m not. The difference in my mindset is that I love my body and myself in general. My body is what it is in any given moment. Why spend so much time hating myself when I can’t make any huge changes in the moment I’m wasting doing so. The reality is, if my body stays how it looks now for the rest of my life, I know I’ll have lived a life full of joy. I know that because I consistently seek out joy in my life and I don’t let mine or other’s thoughts about my body stop me.

The main struggle I have now, is how I feel. I often don’t feel great. My body tires easily. I have headaches all the time. I feel heavy in the sense that I feel bogged down. I’m fully aware our bodies aren’t meant to carry as much weight as we do at times. No one needs to come on here and try to body shame or make me feel some type of way about my health choices.

Seriously. My doctor when I lived in Texas once said to me, “have you ever thought about losing weight?” Oh, I don’t know… Only… EVERY DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE… Geez. Most people who are considered overweight or obese or whatever are fully aware of the health consequences of that label. Like, FULLY AWARE. Stop harassing people. I promise I’ve been out here being the rudest bully to myself more so than anyone else I’ve ever encountered. I don’t need any help.

When I wrote my end of the year blog for 2025, I mentioned a New Year’s resolution being going Gluten Free. I’ve known for most of my adult life that I struggle eating certain foods. I’ve had chronic headaches for as long as I can remember. I recall lying in the bathtub as a teen because one of my headaches tried to take me out, and I scrunched up in a ball while I was showering to try and cope with the pain.

I’ve not been assessed for a true gluten allergy. The reason I’m trying this is because I know what foods bother me. Crackers, pretzels, pasta, and bread made frequent appearances in my diet in the past. Pretty much anytime I would eat any of those things or things like them, I would pay for it. My mouth would get a weird rash, and a headache would soon follow. I would often get severe stomach aches as well. I’ve tried a gluten free diet in the past, multiple times actually. I have felt better each time. However, depression, expenses, and ease of access to non-gluten free items have always caused me to give it up. Gluten free items are much more expensive, sometimes don’t taste as great, and are harder to find. It’s a lot to manage when you’re depressed, and I haven’t managed to maintain it.

Now that I’m not fighting major depression every day, I feel I’m in a much better position to try this again. I’d really enjoy not having to battle headaches and body pain all the time. The good news is, I have a month’s worth of gluten free evidence to report to y’all in this blog! I started my New Year’s resolution on the day I published that blog, which was December 21, 2025.

Update so far:

  1. Less headaches.
  2. I’ve lost 10 pounds.
  3. My stomach doesn’t hurt as much.
  4. I feel “lighter.”

It feels insane to say I’ve lost 10 pounds in about a month. I have been at that pre-10-pound weight loss weight for over a year. When I moved back to Kentucky in 2024, I was at my highest weight of 274 pounds. I lost about 15 pounds prior to meeting my husband and then stuck around that weight until this last month. I currently sit at 248. I share this because it’s a tracking thing and an accountability thing in a sense. I genuinely want to see if going gluten free makes a difference in how I feel and it’s already clear that it does. I hope to see improvement after being gluten free the entire year.

I don’t have any particular health goals in mind aside from feeling better. I’m not focused on looking a certain way or being a certain weight. I simply want to feel better. I know that I’ve felt better when I was around 190s, but I feel like I’ll know when I get there if I’m where I want to be. I know I’m not where I want to be yet, but this is great progress. I want to be able to move around easier and feel like I have more energy than I normally do. I’ve got a house full of kids and a beautifully energetic husband to keep up with, and I don’t want headaches, stomach aches, and whatever else to keep me from doing so.

The main reason I referenced blog seven is because it truly does feel like there is an angel on each shoulder. One telling me I’m doing a great job and I’m helping myself feel better. The other telling me that a little bit of the corn bread my sweet husband made, or the bowl of ramen my son is eating, or the bread we bought for sandwich night, or the TOTINO’S PIZZA THAT I WILL ALWAYS THINK IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST CAN’T HURT ME, RIGHT? Wrong. I know it hurts. I can’t keep acting like it doesn’t. Sure, these things are delicious, but is it worth it if it’s hurting me like it does? Nope. It used to be, but it’s just not anymore.

I’m constantly having to remind myself that though. Each time a coworker brings donuts into the office. Each time my husband makes pancakes for the kids. Each time I just really want to eat all the things I mentioned above. It’s a constant battle. I know that it always will be for me. I want to put this out into the world in case someone else out there is struggling with food.

If you’re one of those people, and you’re reading this, you are not alone! If I could say anything to anyone out there trying to help their body feel better, I would say that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not always know what you’re doing and wing it. You don’t have to feel bad for struggling. It is what it is. The fact is, you’re trying. It’s your life and you have to do what’s right for you. We know there are always going to be people out here hating and making us feel some type of way about ourselves. We don’t need to add to the noise. It’s okay to love yourself in the midst of your struggles.

I’m going to add the last sentiment I added to blog seven: “If you’re struggling with similar battles or any battle, just know, I am here with you! My website/blog and social media pages are safe places! Share your dreams and your struggles. Life isn’t easy, but you’re doing great!” Such a classic ending!

What Am I Reading?

In my pursuit to accomplish Bucket List number 54,”Write a blog a week at least one year,” I have been brainstorming blog ideas. In previous blogs, I focus significantly on my mental health to share mental health related content. I post silly things to bring me and others joy. I share my bucket list and bullet journaling adventures. I have posted a few blogs about parenting. I have written blogs about past books I’ve read with my book club. This new blog idea is similar to my book club blogs except with any books I read in general.

I would like to share my thoughts on the books I read. Reading means so much to me. I remember in third grade getting to go to the school pizza party for having over 100 accelerated reader (AR) points. Not many third graders had that many. In high school, I was in the top ten of my class for AR points on the regular. Reading so many fun books helped build my dream of one day being a published author. I started a book club because I wanted to read more and talk about them with people that also love to read. I love talking to people about books.

This is why I want to write more about the books I read. I want to open more dialogue about books and inspire others to find books they enjoy. I also want to dive into more video content to share my thoughts on books since social media is a huge space for book related content. My husband and I came up with an idea for video content this year to post on my author Instagram. After I read a book, I’ll try to sum it up to him in three minutes or less and we’ll record whatever comes to my head. I posted the first of this little series we hope to do on my author Instagram the other day! My hope is to post a follow up blog about the books to explain more in detail about my experience reading the books.

I don’t necessarily want to consider these book blogs as reviews. I want to get better at writing reviews to help authors, but it’s not my specialty. I write about my experience, not really to offer any type of criticism or feedback. Even if a book is cheesy, or not as emotionally deep as some, I generally still love the experience of reading. There have been very few books that I didn’t enjoy in some way. I love seeing the little movie that plays in my head as the words melt into my brain. I value the time authors spent on their books and try to remember that someone is behind the words. I will likely write things I liked and things I didn’t, but that’s my personal opinion. Literature is up for interpretation. Everyone experiences a book differently. I would never want my opinion of a book to influence another person’s opinion of it. I would never want someone to feel bad for loving a book I didn’t, and I wouldn’t want someone to make me feel bad for loving a book they didn’t.

I read eight books outside of my book club books last year. I’m on my third book of the year (It’s January 20, 2026 as I write this), that’s not a book club book, so I anticipate I may have plenty of blogs for readers to check out if my pattern continues.

I honestly never know what I’m going to write until I sit down to write. With my book club blogs I’ve written previously, sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough content. I don’t really have any set length I aspire to for my blogs. I just write until I love it. So, I may try to write individual blogs for each book, I may group a couple if I’ve read a bunch before I get time to compose a blog, and I may just end up doing a monthly wrap up on everything I read that month. I am all about finding joy in my life. I am not bound by anyone else’s expectations, so I’ll pretty much just wing it and hope readers enjoy it for what it is whenever it gets posted!

I try to branch out as much as I can with different genres, but the reality is, I know what I’m mostly likely to read, and what I tend to avoid. The books you’ll probably see me reading are romance, fantasy, YA, and historical fiction. I tend to read books written by Black authors, books that have LGBTQ+ representation, and I am branching out into finding middle grade books for my children to read as they get older. I avoid horror as much as possible (I like to be able to sleep and I’m a paranoid girlie when I see or read anything scary). I love reading books in a series, it’s so satisfying.

I’m not going to write about any books in this blog, I simply wanted to introduce my plans so anyone that follows along with my blogs can keep their eyes out if they are interested. I would also love anyone who can to comment here or to comment on my author Instagram any book recommendations they have. I love reading books recommended by others. Honestly, reading a book someone loves truly gives insight into them as a person, and that’s so fun for me to be able to experience! (It also gave me clear red flags for people I’ve dated in the past, HAH!) Anyways… I would love for everyone to follow along and read some fun books with me!

I hope, if you’re reading this, you know how wonderful you are! I truly hope joy finds you in this life. Be kind to others, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well! Being human is hard, but you’re doing great (unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc., then you need to be better)!

AABC – 2025

On January 1, 2025, past Ariel had full intentions to write a review blog about all the books she would read that year for her book club, Adventure Awaits Book Club.

I had a phenomenal year, but things definitely changed in a way I didn’t fully expect. We have 2.5 more kids living with us than we started the year with and that has made for more time spent with the kids living the Adventure Awaits spirit! So, I definitely pushed the blog plans to the back burner.

My book club started out with regular meetings, but as my depression hit hard a few years back, the club hit a lull and hasn’t really recovered. I’m hopeful it will make a comeback in the future. So, what I’ve been doing is mostly picking books I own to save money, and in the future hopefully the club will kick back up with picking books as a joint endeavor!

I wanted to write a blog that encompasses the 12 books I picked last year. I’ll write about them in order from my least favorite to my favorite. There’s a corresponding video on my author Instagram of me ranking all 20 books I read last year, and the book club books are mixed in there. I also have pictures of all the covers there and on the book club link through my website.

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Here we go!

12. Vagabonds! By Eloghosa Osunde

This book was the August 2025 choice. I wanted to love this one. I started it in August, but I took quite a few breaks and finally finished on the last day of 2025. The back cover blurb sounded more hopeful than I felt the book made sense in my head. This book made my head hurt. I rubbed my temples way more than I would like. It was dark and sad. It was honestly quite confusing at times. I think I understood more by the end about the intent behind all the build up, but it was exhausting trying to get there. I think the depth behind this one would make a great choice for a book club, honestly. I believe everyone would get something different out of this one. The Nigerian culture aspect is one that I feel could get overlooked by those who aren’t familiar and make people think negatively. Please take my opinions with a grain of salt. It’s clear this meant a lot to the author, and I imagine if I spoke with them about it, I would have so much more insight! It’s not a bad book, it’s simply more nuanced than the information I had to process it at the time I read it!

11. The Secret Zoo by Bryan Chick

This book was the January 2025 choice. I believe I finished reading this in January. Some books definitely did not get finished in the month I chose them. Honestly, the one major thing I remember about this one is a Sasquatch getting impaled. The adventure aspect in this book fully meets the spirit of the club. However, the impaling threw me off. I bought the book to find some middle grade reads for our 11 year old, and for some reason that scene startled me. It really opened my eyes to the depth middle grade books can go. I feel like our kiddo is brilliant and capable of reading complex storylines, but it also made me want to protect her a bit. Truly though, I thoroughly enjoyed the adventure these kids went on. I adored all the animals and how animals that were “extinct,” as well as supposed mythological creatures were being protected in the secret zoo found in the book. It took so many wild turns, and it kept me turning the pages eagerly. If your kiddo isn’t a reader, I imagine this book could easily spark interest for them, and it’s the first in a six book series, so you or your kiddo(s) can immerse in the world for a while!

10. Cursed Daughters by Oyinkan Braithwaite

This book was the November 2025 choice. I didn’t realize this would be a second book based around Nigerian culture when I picked this one. I made the connection after I picked back up Vagabonds! in December and Lagos had been mentioned in both. Again, it’s not as if the book was bad. I wouldn’t even remotely suggest that, it simply challenged me emotionally. It hurt my heart. These generations of women that were bogged down by a curse and couldn’t break free. Eventually one child did, but there was so much pain along the way. It felt a little creepy at times, but in a sad way. My creepy level tolerance is much lower than most, haha! Sometimes I’m a big baby. I recommend this book genuinely, and it’s always a great idea to read diversely. I can’t speak for Nigerian culture, but the author can, and I’m grateful they shared this story!

9. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb

This book was the May 2025 choice. My friend who is in my book club with me recommended this one for Mental Health Awareness month. I 100% wanted to talk to someone after reading this book. I published a blog while reading this book because it triggered so many emotions in me. A rather devastating aspect of the book is a storyline with a client called Julie. I won’t spoil it for you, but Julie and the author’s interactions lead to you reading the words, “Sometimes the only thing to do is yell, fuck.” That sentence is the title of the blog I wrote. I truly loved this book. It’s more story based and personal for the character. It didn’t have such a clinical feel that some books do when it comes to mental health. It was anything but boring and gave me some insight into my brain as well. I’m a huge proponent of therapy. I hope that anyone who needs it finds a therapist that truly cares about you like I did! I can’t guarantee you’ll get the same experience from this book, but I find it valuable in the mental health conversation!

8. Holes by Louis Sachar

This book was the December 2025 choice. Holes had everything I hoped for. I felt like they nailed the movie version of the book. The only major change I noticed was the main character in the book was described as heavier and Shai LaBeouf was definitely not heavy in the movie. Teenage Ariel loved Holes the movie, and now adult Ariel can say she loves Holes the book. I think our kids will love reading this one, and I hope to suggest it to our 11-year-old so they can get started as soon as possible! I enjoyed the ease of read. It’s clearly written with a younger audience in mind but not to the extent that it isn’t enjoyable for adults as well. The copy I have is an anniversary edition, so it was cool to see some extra bonus features at the end of the book with more insight into Stanley’s character.

7. Prince of Song and Sea by Linsey Miller

This book was the April 2025 choice. I felt like I had to buy this book when I saw it. I’m a sucker for a play on The Little Mermaid. I know it feels like there are a million versions of it, but this one holds its own. The book is a spookier version of the Disney classic. As I mentioned earlier, my creepy/spooky level tolerance is much lower than I anticipate the level of most readers. I didn’t have any issues with this book. It was a clever way for the author to add some trauma the prince had to deal with and keep it engaging. Prince Eric’s friends were charming editions to this book and brought for some entertainment that I enjoyed. I will never turn away a love story, even if it’s cheesy. (Please don’t check me on this. I imagine I haven’t read the cheesiest of cheese, but I still feel like I would enjoy it.) This one had the “cursed to only kiss their true love” trope in it, and I ate it up. There was another surprise element in it with the evil witch terrorizing families and that played out thoughtfully with some of the characters finding out more about their history. Keep in mind that the book is borrowing from a well-known storyline, so I can’t guarantee you will enjoy it, but it filled my joy meter like I hoped!

6. Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

This book was the March 2025 choice. One of my favorite humans recommended me to read a few of Nicola Yoon’s books, and I’ve been properly wrecked by the ones I’ve read. This book has the typical YA feel when it comes to a teenage romance. It’s easy to speed through, the characters are charming, and there’s something trying to keep them apart. I really did not see the ending coming for this one. I thought the characters were going to fall in love and he was simply going to love her through all the complications. The bombshell twist left trauma residue on me and I’m over here reading a fictional story. I really should have seen it coming, but it threw me for a loop. I can’t remember for sure, but I imagine I most certainly cried. You can’t read about someone hurting that much to do what they did and not cry. I recommend this one, and I imagine I can safely say I recommend all books by Nicola Yoon!

5. Spells, Strings, and Forgotten Things by Breanne Randall

This book was the June 2025 choice. I’m really not surprised by my top five. I love all things fantasy, with a sprinkle of romance, and books that truly encompass the adventure awaits spirit. I read a Breanne Randall book for AABC in 2024, so I felt safe choosing another in 2025. She’s only published two books so far, but the vibes have hit with both of them for me. This one specifically had such a fun cast of characters, a plotline that keeps you wanting to read, and quality involvement with magical elements. I love any type of book that involves magic. There’s something about an author taking the time to create the rules for their world that is so special. All three sisters ended up with a love interest that made my heart smile. I loved the grimoire and the surprise that involved that animated book. The grumpy love interest for the main character had the typical traumatic childhood for a grumpy character. I appreciated his bond with his sister and the bond of the three main sisters as well. Healthy sibling dynamics is always a sweet bonus in a book.

4. Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell

This book was the October 2025 choice. I adored this book. I can’t wait for our children to read this one. I loved the main character and the group of characters that joined his mission to help his mysterious new pal as the plotline moved forward. I cackled when an important mythical creature happened to be a tiny dragon. That dragon was too precious. I adore dragons, and while I wish there were more throughout, it still had so much adventure and amazing creatures that I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. This book had much more depth than one might expect and could easily lead to introspection if you’re open and paying attention to the message. I am desperate to read the next book in this world and highly recommend everyone checking out this series as well!

3. Skyhunter by Marie Lu

This book was the July 2025 choice. Marie Lu could never disappoint me. Marie Lu may very well be my favorite author. This was the third world I felt fully enthralled by that they created. I don’t know how they manage to make such compelling stories over and over. Do you know that meme where people talk about what radicalized them? I mean this in the most respectful and honorable ways, but for me, it was probably reading Marie Lu’s books. Marie Lu clearly has no interest in tolerating a tyrannical government and I’m living for it. I read Skyhunter for book club and immediately went to the library to check out Steelstriker to finish the duology. They were both superb and heartbreaking. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past our government to do something like this if they had the technology. It’s scary waiting to see what crazy thing the US government is going to do next. There are literally terrorists roaming the streets wreaking havoc and kidnapping people and the President is acting like this is some beautiful thing he is doing for our country. (I meant ICE if you couldn’t pick up on my subtlety.) I digress… Read anything by Marie Lu. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

2. Blood at the Root by LaDarrion Williams

This book was the September 2025 choice. I swear I read so many phenomenal books in 2025. I believe one of the comparison titles for Blood at the Root is Harry Potter. I get it. They both have a magical school for students with magical abilities. Blood at the Root is so much deeper. Black history is intertwined throughout the story, and the characters call out the whitewashing of history in general. The cast of main characters are Black as the setting is primarily at a Historically Black College or University (HBCU). The author passionately advocates for the importance of getting these books in the hands of Black boys for them to see themselves and the magic they hold inside them. Obviously, the comparison is metaphorical, but truly, Black children deserve to read this incredible story and go along for the adventure in the entire series. I will say, while the comparison to Harry Potter is out there, I wouldn’t recommend this book to middle grade readers like I would Harry Potter and I don’t believe the author is presenting it as made for younger readers either. It’s more geared towards high school age youth and older. It takes place at an HBCU, so it’s logical that the characters are older and do things that older youth/adults do.

1. The Secret Library by Kekla Magoon

This book was the February 2025 choice. I don’t think I will ever find a book I love as much as this one. Phenomenal doesn’t even begin to describe it for me. Many of these books had me desperate to finish reading, but this one had so many twists I never saw coming. I spoke about the depth of a number of the middle grade books I read last year, but this one topped them all. It explores child neglect, parental loss, identity development, racism, slavery, and the complexity of relationships in general from a child’s perspective. I loved the use of the library and the decision the main character makes at the end floored me. I wouldn’t recommend this book if you are racist, homophobic, or transphobic. However, I imagine if you are, you’re likely not reading this blog. So, if you are here, I am begging you to pick this book up and read it. This book sealed the deal for me that I’ve been underestimating children. I know how brilliant children are, but I get nervous that some things are too much for them. They are so much more capable of complex thoughts than most of us give them credit for. So, yes, this is my favorite book of 2025, but it’s also my favorite book in general!

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If you read this far, thank you! It means a lot to me to have any support people are able to offer. I hope y’all are out there being kind to others, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself as well! I hope y’all will check out these books and share with me your thoughts! Also, feel free to recommend any books here or on my Instagram!

A Look Inside My Brain

I started this blog with no real plan for how it would proceed. I didn’t even have any confidence it would form into enough content to be worthy of sharing. My anxiety has often entertained me with its contradictory thinking. My brain often has every scenario imaginable to run through at any given moment. I figured I would share what that looks like to offer some silly entertainment to the lives of whoever reads this blog. This is for purely entertainment purposes. I am not speaking on what anxiety looks like for everyone or attempting to make a mental health statement of some kind. Please enjoy.

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Scenario: Me walking in a store…

Thought A:
“You should smile at that person; you could be the smile they need to keep moving forward.”

Thought B:
“You probably shouldn’t smile at that person; that’s probably the smile that will convince them they should murder you because they’re probably a serial killer.”

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Scenario: Out fishing in a random location my husband chose for some night fishing…

Thought A:
“Wow, it’s so beautiful out here at this cool remote outdoor location.”

Thought B:
“Wow, this is the exact type of place that would be perfect for someone to come and murder me, and no one would ever find me.”

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Scenario: Me trying to process someone being rude…

Thought A:
“You gotta kill them with kindness.”

Thought B:
“Man, I really wish their socks constantly felt like they’d stepped in something wet, and they always have car troubles that cost them lots of money.”

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Scenario: Me attempting to teach someone something at work or trying to help the kids with homework…

Thought A:
“It’s really not that hard, I don’t understand what they don’t get.”

Thought B:
“Not everyone is good at the same stuff, give them some grace.”

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Scenario: Me getting dressed for work…

Thought A:
“You should wear that outfit again, it’s your favorite. It’s not even the same outfit; it just looks similar because you have ten pairs of black leggings and most of your t-shirts are black.”

Thought B:
“They’re going to think you don’t ever shower or wash your clothes, don’t wear that outfit again. It’s like the fourth time this week you’ve worn a black shirt with black leggings.”

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Scenario: Me trying to clean the kids’ room…

Thought A:
“Toy boxes aren’t helpful. They become dump spots for everything, and the kids can’t find anything. The system you have makes more sense so they can find what they’re looking for easier.”

Thought B:
“A toy box would be great. They could just dump everything, and it wouldn’t take so long for the kids to clean up.”

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Scenario: Me trying to decide if I want to sleep the 30 extra minutes from when my husband leaves for work and when I need to get up to get the kids ready for school…

Thought A:
“You can totally go back to sleep after he leaves for work. You’ll definitely wake up on your first alarm and not have to rush.”

Thought B:
“Girl, you know you’re going to snooze five times and end up rushing. You do this every day. Don’t kid yourself.”

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Scenario: Me trying to decide the best time to stop and get gas when I have to drive a long distance…

Thought A:
“You need gas, that gas station is open, just stop.”

Thought B:
“Don’t stop there, it looks sketchy. You’ll definitely get murdered.”

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Scenario: Me trying to decide what to do when I can’t take my purse into a venue or have my laptop with me and I need to run in somewhere and I’d rather not carry it…

Thought A:
“Put your purse in the trunk, no one will think to look in there for it.”

Thought B:
“Just put it under your seat, do you think you’re smarter than a criminal? If they can break a window, they can access your trunk.”

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Scenario: Me at a doctor’s appointment or emergency room…

Thought A:
“On a scale from 1-10… YOU’RE A TEN and you know it! Just tell them you’re feeling awful, and you’re actually pretty certain you’re dying.”

Thought B:
“You’re being a baby. It’s not that bad. Just tell them six so they know it’s hurting but you can deal with it if you have to.”

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Scenario: Me seeing someone in a fire outfit…

Thought A:
“You should complement that person’s outfit. It might brighten their day.”

Thought B:
“Don’t say anything to them, they’ll think you’re weird. They don’t owe you thanks for the comment.”

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Scenario: Me in a waiting room or really any place where I have to sit and wait for something…

Thought A:
“Cross your arms. It’s a comfortable position, and it kinda helps keep you warm a bit.”

Thought B:
“Are you crazy? Don’t cross your arms. They’re going to think you’re a bitch.”

——

Scenario: Me while driving…

Thought A:
“There’s not many cars on this road and it’s a pretty straight shot. Maybe I could drive five miles over the speed limit. The police don’t seem to care and pass me all the time when I’m driving the speed limit.”

Thought B:
“Don’t do it. You’re a bad person. Remember that paper you wrote in college when you were 18? You said you believed in driving the speed limit. Did you lie????”

——

Scenario: Me at a vision appointment…

Thought A:
“You need new glasses. You can’t read those letters. It’s blurry. Just tell them it’s blurry. Don’t lie.”

Thought B:
“Lie. You’re definitely failing this eye exam. They’re going to think you suck because your eyes don’t work. Option two is not blurrier, you’re silly.”

——

I am certain I could add endless scenarios and thoughts like these if I wanted, but I don’t want to force it. I’ve had this blog in my drafts and have been adding them as I thought of them or the scenario actually happened. I had a vision appointment today, so the last scenario genuinely happened the same day I finished this blog. (I was honest, I really want to be able to see clearly, haha!)

I hope whoever read this at least got a giggle or two out of your time spent! I hope you’re having a great day, and if you’re not, I hope for joy to find you soon! Being a human is hard. Please be kind to others, but don’t forget about being kind to yourself as well! I love all you beautiful humans!

Surprise Bonus Scenario:

Thought A:
“I do want to love all people. Most people will understand the sentiment behind the context of me writing this.”
Thought B:
“Maybe you shouldn’t write that. I don’t want someone creepy to think I actually “love love” them and become obsessed with me or something.”

——

Haha! I had to add in the thoughts I often have when I sign off with some version of “I love all you beautiful humans.” My brain is fun!

New Year, Same Bucket List

Over the last couple of years I have written blogs summing up how my year went and planning resolutions for the new year. I also have multiple blogs about my bucket list. I was considering keeping those separate again, but I want to combine them this time for some reason. Reviewing the items I’ve crossed off my bucket list and adding any new bucket list items feels pretty similar to discussing old resolutions and planning new ones.

I will start with resolutions and finish with my bucket list!

Here were the resolutions I made for myself at the beginning of the year:

  1. Write more new content for my novel.
  2. Make healthier food choices regularly.
  3. Get outside more. 
  4. Keep working towards my bullet journal goals. 
  5. Personal resolution I won’t detail.

I didn’t set too many with the hope that would help with likelihood of success. Now I’ll write them out again and share how things went.

1. Write more new content for my novel.

I absolutely wrote more new content for my novel! I posted on my author Instagram that I first started writing new content this year on March 18, 2025. Luckily, I have been bullet journaling to keep track of when I write new content. I’ve worked on new content about 15 days this year. It makes me sad that it was so few days, but some of those days were incredibly productive, so I’ll take it.

2. Make healthier food choices regularly.

I don’t feel I accomplished this one. I know I’ve eaten healthy meals and made healthy choices, but it definitely wasn’t regularly. I’ll give myself grace though. I know I’m in a much better place health wise than I feel I was in 2024. I can just feel it in my body, I’m not really sure how to explain it.

3. Get outside more.

I don’t feel I accomplished this one either. I went outside pretty much only when we took the kids to the park, played outside with them, or went fishing. I wanted to be more intentional about being outside related to healthy choices (mostly walking because I enjoy walking outside) and that just didn’t happen like I wanted.

4. Keep working towards my bullet journal goals.

I definitely continued to bullet journal this year and work towards the goals that are associated with the pages. For those who have been following my bullet journal journey, you’ll know that I started my pages in August of 2024. I continued those pages through August of 2025. I started new ones in August of 2025 and have been enjoying the new ones thoroughly since. I started focusing on effort more than time spent on tasks and that has changed my mindset in such a healthy way.

The pages I have currently are creative writing (like blogs), writing towards my novel, journaling, reading, how many steps I take, and keeping track of my emotions. I have written 21 blogs this year (22 if you count this one), was asked to write a piece for an event honoring someone turning 100, and I have written a few miscellaneous things here and there. I have been reading quite a bit this year for my standards. I have two books I hope to finish by the end of the year and that will be 17 for the year. My goal has been, and likely will be for a long time, to complete 12 books a year. I think a fun measure of how I have been doing on my steps is that my average steps a day, according to my phone, for 2024 was 1, 810. My average this year is 2, 627. It’s small progress, but I’ll take it. I have been experiencing a significant amount of joy, and I am grateful for every day I have.

5. Personal resolution I won’t detail.

This went much better than I expected. There is still room for positive change, and I’m hopeful. I’m praying for God’s continued help in managing my patience.

————

I’ve come to realize that sometimes being broad can be great, and other times, it can really make it difficult to measure progress. This past year, while I did write more content, technically even writing one day would be considered succeeding in the resolution and that really is not at the heart of what I intended when I made the resolution. Yes, I wrote more days than that, but not as much as I would like. I keep pushing off my writing because I get overwhelmed and start to question myself often. For this coming year, I am going to try to be more specific. I would like to dedicate at least two hours each week to working on my novel.

I also want to maintain some type of health goal(s) this coming year. I have a suspicion that I have some type of issue with gluten. I don’t really know for sure, and the time I mentioned it to my doctor, they didn’t seem to care. I have a different doctor now though, so maybe I can explore that with them this coming year. Regardless, any time I eat bread, pasta, pretzels, crackers, pizza, etc., I feel awful. I have excruciating headaches, I get rashes sometimes, and my stomach hurts. The times I have cut out gluten, I tend to start to feel better. I just rarely stick to these changes because… I love all those things I listed SO MUCH. But I would really love not to feel terrible, and I think I’m finally at the point of committing to a long-term change to see if it makes a difference. So, in 2026, I’m going to try to commit to a gluten free diet and see how things go. In saying this, I highly recommend people consult their doctors. Please, please, please seek qualified medical advice. It’s also on my list to speak with my doctor about it and see what they think. Luckily, I have my annual checkup on the 30th and that will be perfect timing to get started for 2026.

I wrote a blog earlier this year (ADHD, Maybe?) that mentions an app that I downloaded, Finch. I have been using it all year. It helps you come up with ideas of small goals that you can accomplish to help work towards larger goals. One that it suggested for me because I mentioned wanting to move more was “Go for a 5-minute walk.” I selected it a couple of weeks as a weekly goal, but I did not really focus on it like some of my other goals. I want to change that in 2026. It’s a small daily goal that I can reasonably accomplish if I put effort into it. I want to try to average at least 4,000 steps a day in 2026 and a 5-minute daily walk would likely help reach that average step goal.

Resolution five from 2025 will carry over to 2026. I could use any prayers, thoughts, vibes, or really anything anyone wants to send my way.

So, here’s the official list:

1. Dedicate at least two hours each week to working on my novel.
2. Have a gluten free diet.
3. Go for at least a 5-minute walk every day.
4. Personal resolution that I won’t detail.

I feel these resolutions are manageable and will not overwhelm me. I am excited to see how these play out in 2026.

*Adding the next paragraph post initial publishing date for this blog.*

I thought about it and then promptly forgot, before I added it to this blog, that I wanted to add a journaling resolution. I randomly remembered today, about four days later. I would like to add “Post a daily journal prompt on my author Instagram” to the list! I did a couple journaling challenges during early 2025 and I enjoyed them thoroughly. I want to do that again in 2026 but make it a whole year thing. I don’t have any set prompt ideas, so I’ll probably just google random prompt ideas and do whatever I’m in the mood for on any given day.

————-

Let’s move on to the bucket list portion of this blog! Here’s the list if you need a review!

  1. Pet a giraffe.  
  2. Publish a book.  
  3. Voice a character in an animated movie.  
  4. Visit Giraffe Manor in Kenya.  
  5. Meet Michael B. Jordan (If you haven’t read my Michael B, Jordan blog, please do. Maybe the extra views will get the word out to him! Haha!). 
  6. Go to Disney World with friends. 
  7. Walk on the side of a road when a car drives through a puddle and get splashed by it.  
  8. Buy a new flute.  
  9. Fill at least 100 journals with my thoughts.  
  10. Visit the Australia zoo.  
  11. Own a pink Volkswagen Beetle. 
  12. Complete one of those man vs. food challenges. I’d request mine involve breakfast food.  
  13. Ride in a helicopter.  
  14. Attempt to snowboard.  
  15. Meet Tom Hanks since he shares the same birthday as me and that seems like a good enough reason. 
  16. Go horseback riding.  
  17. Swim with sharks.  
  18. Go on a cruise.  
  19. Finish the crochet blanket I started in high school. 
  20. Have a room in my home dedicated to my reading and writing aspirations.  
  21. Become fluent in Spanish. 
  22. Kiss someone in the rain.
  23. Visit Times Square on New Year’s Eve.  
  24. Visit the Grand Canyon.  
  25. Ride a double-decker bus and get off it like Amanda Bynes did in What a Girl Wants.  
  26. Go on an extravagantly planned date that my date planned.  
  27. Meet Hilary Duff since someone told me I looked like her once and getting a selfie with her would be legit. 
  28. Star in a mermaid inspired photo shoot.
  29. Take a picture with the person playing Ariel at Disneyland or Disney World.  
  30. Visit Mount Rushmore. 
  31. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and pick out my own wand.  
  32. Design a pair of shoes.  
  33. Attempt to surf.  
  34. Have a home with a huge kitchen island. 
  35. Own a robot vacuum.  
  36. Be a bridesmaid or maid of honor.  
  37. Ride in a hot air balloon.
  38. Get a tattoo on my arm and have my mom not be mad at me.  
  39. Ride on a train. 
  40. Impact the universal mental health conversation in a huge way.  
  41. Work with an organization/cleaning company in some way.
  42. Have a picture with all eight of my siblings present.  
  43. Go on safari.  
  44. Ride an elephant and camel. 
  45. Receive a love letter from someone I also love (No creepy letters, please).  
  46. Go on a segway tour.  
  47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.  
  48. Go on a zipline.
  49. Play a game of paintball.  
  50. Make a font out of my handwriting. 
  51. Take a pottery class.  
  52. Get on a Jumbotron.
  53. Catch a foul ball or a home run ball at a baseball game.
  54. Write a blog a week at least one year.
  55. Be on a game show.
  56. Indoor skydive.
  57. See the aurora borealis.
  58. Go ice skating.
  59. Complete birthday paintings every year for my kids until they’re 18 or ask me to stop.
  60. Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.
  61. Be debt free.
  62. Visit a waterfall.

————
Here’s a reminder of which ones I crossed off prior to 2025:

18. Go on a cruise.
22. Kiss someone in the rain.
35. Own a robot vacuum.
37. Ride in a hot air balloon.
38. Get a tattoo on my arm and have my mom not be mad at me.
39. Ride on a train.
47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.
52. Get on a Jumbotron.
58. Go ice skating.

Here’s what I accomplished in 2025:

7. Walk on the side of a road when a car drives through a puddle and get splashed by it.
My husband is the best and drove through a puddle for me to accomplish this one! It was a blast.

47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.
My husband and I visited The Bean in Chicago this year. We also visited the World’s largest Bass Pro Shop in Memphis. Technically I had been there before, but I didn’t realize it was significant at the time. Item number 47 is an ongoing one despite me having crossed this one off in 2024. I enjoy seeing the ways this one plays out as time goes on!

57. See the aurora borealis.
I NEVER thought I would accomplish this in the state of Kentucky. Sure enough, whatever has to happen for them to be seen, happened and it was seen in places it’s not generally common. It wasn’t the most beautiful scene where I live, but it was still pretty awesome.

60. Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.
I never thought I would achieve this, honestly. I don’t really know what happened this year. I wrote a blog about it (Bucket List #60). It’s so nice when your brain cooperates. I love myself so much, and it’s great that I love myself in my body how it is and not how I once wished daily it could be.

62. Visit a waterfall.
My husband went on a mini trip for Valentine’s Day. We visited Cumberland Falls during the trip, and it was too cool. This one wasn’t actually on the list at the beginning of the year, but I had to add it because it is definitely something I’ve always wanted to do.

————

14/62 feels incredible! I’m having a blast attempting to accomplish these items! My husband is also the best teammate to help me seek the adventure that is inevitable with a bucket list!

I think I could reasonably accomplish 1, 13, and 16 during 2026. I would like to try for 54, but I’m not sure if I’m in a position for 2026 to be the year for this accomplishment yet. I might give it a shot, but I won’t beat myself up about it if it doesn’t happen.

This is a good time to add in a reminder. Your value is not dependent on what you accomplish in your life or what you cross off a bucket list. You’re valuable as a person simply because you exist. You are loved simply for who you are, not what you may be able to offer someone. Don’t ever forget that! I love you, beautiful humans!

Sometimes the Only Thing to Do Is Yell, “F*ck!”

I imagine if you saw the title of my blog, you may have expected to see a curse word or two somewhere throughout this blog. I apologize for the lack of warning on the title, but here’s a warning that I am absolutely going to spell out the word throughout this blog at some points. Please enjoy!

I’m currently reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. If you’ve been following my website or author Instagram, you may know that this book was the May 2025 book club book for my book club, Adventure Awaits Book Club. (Oh man, that’s a lot of the words “book” and “club.”)

So, why am I reading it in December of 2025? Well, I lost the book for a while. I legit couldn’t find it anywhere in my room.

One day I’m sitting on the couch talking to my mom and I happen to look over at the bookshelf in our living room. The top three shelves are filled with family pictures and trinkets. My mom was kind enough to relinquish a shelf for some books that I have accumulated and sometimes leave sitting in places she would likely prefer they not be. That shelf is the bottom shelf.

Sitting on this shelf is my book club book! The issue is, I noticed this sometime in September. How has it been on the shelf for four months and I not notice? I do happen to have a blog called “ADHD, Maybe?” (Check it out!) My mom has also called me Dory for most of my life. I have no idea why I never noticed it there or thought to look there to begin with.

But anyways… I think I didn’t need to read it as much back in May as much I need to read it right now. I just finished chapter 35 of the book. In the copy I have, it’s page 254. I have about 150 pages remaining. The last sentence of chapter 35 is, “Sometimes the only thing to do is yell, “Fuck!”

Not going to even lie, chapter 35 made me cry. I had tears pouring down my face. (This is not the first time I cried in the book, and I anticipate it won’t be the last.) Thankfully, my sweet family were mostly all out of the home, and my mom was napping, so they did not witness my breakdown. I am a little under the weather today, and I had a little moment to myself to get some reading in. I don’t generally like to cry in front of anyone in general, but this moment made me think of a time in my life where I tried so hard not to cry and found myself yelling “Fuck” probably more than I even remember.

If you’ve read this book, or plan to do so in the future, I’m not even remotely attempting to compare my life experience to the person’s whose life is being described in this specific chapter and other places throughout the book. I am, however, writing this blog because I felt inspired. Coincidentally, my husband mentioned earlier that he had not seen me post a blog in a while. I told him I hadn’t felt inspired lately. I had no idea that a few hours later I would read a sentence that would inspire the words I currently type.

The book in general has made me think of my time in therapy. To help those who haven’t read the book, the book is about a therapist sharing her personal life experiences, client stories from her time as a therapist, and her experience in therapy while also being a therapist. I know I have mentioned numerous times throughout all the blogs I’ve written that I used to attend therapy. The time I mention most often, was my second experience with therapy, but my most substantial. The first time was only a few weeks. The second was four years!

I know I’ve mentioned how much those four years of therapy saved me. I can’t remember all the details I have shared, but I do feel it’s important for this blog, to share some therapy details, so please forgive me if these details are repetitive.

I loved my therapist. Aside from my family and a few friends, I had never felt love like I felt it from my therapist. It wasn’t anything unethical or inappropriate, but I could tell my therapist loved me. He loved me in a general sense of simply caring about another human going through a tough time in their lives. After four years, honestly, my therapist probably knew me better than any human ever had. There were things he would remember, things he would say, and just his general overall approach that helped me get through a horrible time for myself mentally.

My therapist helped me love myself. He would redirect me when I would make self-deprecating statements. He would validate me when I made dark statements and not make me feel like I was broken in those moments. He would listen to me and point out the light he could see in my eyes when I talked about things that mattered to me. Honestly, aside from my son and my mom, he’s the main reason I am here years later attempting to shine my light as bright as possible. He helped me realize I am so much more than the roles that I hold. He helped me realize that my personality isn’t something I should try to hide to be more palatable for others. He helped me love me.

He helped me cry. He helped me know that it was okay to yell “fuck” if you need to (more in a hypothetical sense than what the author described in their book). My therapist helped me get out my anger. He helped me find ways to be okay with being angry and that sometimes I have to just embrace it to be able to get through it. I absolutely yelled “fuck” loudly and numerous times while in my car driving to random places when my brain just couldn’t handle what it was feeling that day. He often mentioned he wished I could find one of those places where I could go and break random things. (There is one in my hometown now, and I hope to go do that activity one of these days!)

The reason I feel I needed this book is because I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Nothing compared to what I felt when I was attending therapy, but enough to know that I haven’t exactly felt like myself. I have been feeling some of the angry feelings that I felt back then though and that scared me a bit.

There are a few people in my life, to some extent, that I wish were not. I say to some extent, because if they would chill the heck out, things would probably be fine. I don’t know that they’re capable of it though, so I manage what comes at me. I truly just wish I didn’t have to manage. I just wish things could be so much better than they are without all the struggles and having to stay on your toes waiting to see what drama someone might bring to your life next.

There’s another line in this book that states, “It’s just one of those things.” The context that sentence was used was to help a person see that there’s no explanation for something bad happening. It’s literally “just one of those things.” We often seek a reason for why things happen or don’t happen. You could say “It’s all in God’s plan.” That’s a valid statement. However, that often doesn’t really feel helpful when it comes to the horrific things that happen in a person’s life.

Honestly, sometimes things happen and you just have to yell “fuck”.

It may be in God’s plan. It may just be one of those things. It really doesn’t matter why most days. Sometimes, just yell. Go break things (in a safe environment and not things that will cause you more problems later, please). Go sit in therapy and cry your eyes out. Cry in front of your family. Cry whenever you feel is necessary. Get those feelings out and don’t let them eat away at you!

Sometimes things don’t make sense, but trying to ignore all those hard feelings, isn’t going to help you move forward in the long run.

My husband and I had a disagreement the other day. We were both right. We generally are on the same page within a disagreement but for some reason take a minute to realize we want the same thing and are often debating semantics. He was washing the dishes earlier today and asked me to stay in the kitchen with him when he noticed me heading back to our room to get back in bed because I wasn’t feeling well. This man loves me! Thanks again in part to my therapist, I am actually able to recognize love. I could see the love in his face when he asked me to sit in the kitchen while he washed. He knew I wasn’t feeling up for cleaning even though that tends to be what I do when he cooks breakfast. He wouldn’t ask for me to clean, but he asked for me to stay with him while he did. My husband truly enjoys my presence.

While he was washing the dishes, I was reading. I looked up at him and watched him for a while. At one point he turns towards me and smiles his beautiful smile. We hadn’t technically resolved the disagreement we had the other day, and I think were at the point where we just realized it wasn’t worth any further conversation. We both know we are right and what needs to happen. We’re just doing it at this point. His beautiful smile triggered the thought of “I love his face. I hope I always have this man smiling back at me in life.”

While I am a proponent of divorce absolutely being on the table, my husband and I are actively taking care of each other’s hearts to avoid it having to be a choice we make. I don’t believe divorce is in our future, but I am not ignorant to the fact that if we don’t prioritize our relationship, anything can happen.

It might seem odd for me to bring this information about my husband up. However, I bring it up because of some other sentences from Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. “And you know what I’m going to miss most of all? His face. I’m going to miss looking at his beautiful face. It’s my favorite face in the entire world.”

How is it that I spoke with my husband about not feeling inspired, think the thought I thought about his sweet face, read all the words I mentioned throughout this blog, and then get to the point of feeling inspired to write this blog all in the same day?

I think it’s because I was meant to write this blog. These words need to be out in the world. I’ve been in my feelings lately and honestly, sometimes the only thing I need to do is yell, “Fuck!” I need to realize that things just are the way they are sometimes, and I can’t always change them. I have a phenomenal husband, five beautiful children, the most amazing mom, and my life is honestly something I could never have dreamed of having during those four years of therapy.

Like I mentioned in my blog, “Good Things Can Happen,” “I can’t promise you life will get better, but I will say that good things can happen.”

I can’t sit here and say that the bad things happening in your life will work out the way you hope. I can only say that, sometimes the only thing to do is yell, “fuck,” and keep moving forward. As I say in a number of my blogs, do what makes you happy. Find what works for you. If you aren’t up for yelling a curse word, find something else that helps you not hold in your anger. It’s okay to let go at times. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to not have it all together. Life will be hard. People will suck and make life challenging. In the case of this specific chapter in the book, there may not be anything you can do to change the bad things that happen. Life isn’t always going to make sense, but I hope you can find the people in life that make it better.

I hope you have someone in your life that you love seeing their face. If not, I hope you love your face. You deserve to love your face even if you’re not in the best head space at any given time. I also hope you find someone else someday whose face you live. It doesn’t have to be a spouse. People have a way of being your favorite face even if they are not a partner. My therapist’s face was my favorite for the longest time. I’m grateful for my therapist’s presence when I needed it. I’m grateful he helped me find joy again in life. I’m grateful for reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone now instead of in May. I haven’t finished it yet, but I highly recommend it. I don’t imagine that recommendation changing within the next 150 pages.

Life isn’t easy, but you’re doing great! Be kind to others. If you’re the one causing problems in other people’s lives, maybe you should talk to someone! 🙂