New Year, Same Bucket List

Over the last couple of years I have written blogs summing up how my year went and planning resolutions for the new year. I also have multiple blogs about my bucket list. I was considering keeping those separate again, but I want to combine them this time for some reason. Reviewing the items I’ve crossed off my bucket list and adding any new bucket list items feels pretty similar to discussing old resolutions and planning new ones.

I will start with resolutions and finish with my bucket list!

Here were the resolutions I made for myself at the beginning of the year:

  1. Write more new content for my novel.
  2. Make healthier food choices regularly.
  3. Get outside more. 
  4. Keep working towards my bullet journal goals. 
  5. Personal resolution I won’t detail.

I didn’t set too many with the hope that would help with likelihood of success. Now I’ll write them out again and share how things went.

1. Write more new content for my novel.

I absolutely wrote more new content for my novel! I posted on my author Instagram that I first started writing new content this year on March 18, 2025. Luckily, I have been bullet journaling to keep track of when I write new content. I’ve worked on new content about 15 days this year. It makes me sad that it was so few days, but some of those days were incredibly productive, so I’ll take it.

2. Make healthier food choices regularly.

I don’t feel I accomplished this one. I know I’ve eaten healthy meals and made healthy choices, but it definitely wasn’t regularly. I’ll give myself grace though. I know I’m in a much better place health wise than I feel I was in 2024. I can just feel it in my body, I’m not really sure how to explain it.

3. Get outside more.

I don’t feel I accomplished this one either. I went outside pretty much only when we took the kids to the park, played outside with them, or went fishing. I wanted to be more intentional about being outside related to healthy choices (mostly walking because I enjoy walking outside) and that just didn’t happen like I wanted.

4. Keep working towards my bullet journal goals.

I definitely continued to bullet journal this year and work towards the goals that are associated with the pages. For those who have been following my bullet journal journey, you’ll know that I started my pages in August of 2024. I continued those pages through August of 2025. I started new ones in August of 2025 and have been enjoying the new ones thoroughly since. I started focusing on effort more than time spent on tasks and that has changed my mindset in such a healthy way.

The pages I have currently are creative writing (like blogs), writing towards my novel, journaling, reading, how many steps I take, and keeping track of my emotions. I have written 21 blogs this year (22 if you count this one), was asked to write a piece for an event honoring someone turning 100, and I have written a few miscellaneous things here and there. I have been reading quite a bit this year for my standards. I have two books I hope to finish by the end of the year and that will be 17 for the year. My goal has been, and likely will be for a long time, to complete 12 books a year. I think a fun measure of how I have been doing on my steps is that my average steps a day, according to my phone, for 2024 was 1, 810. My average this year is 2, 627. It’s small progress, but I’ll take it. I have been experiencing a significant amount of joy, and I am grateful for every day I have.

5. Personal resolution I won’t detail.

This went much better than I expected. There is still room for positive change, and I’m hopeful. I’m praying for God’s continued help in managing my patience.

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I’ve come to realize that sometimes being broad can be great, and other times, it can really make it difficult to measure progress. This past year, while I did write more content, technically even writing one day would be considered succeeding in the resolution and that really is not at the heart of what I intended when I made the resolution. Yes, I wrote more days than that, but not as much as I would like. I keep pushing off my writing because I get overwhelmed and start to question myself often. For this coming year, I am going to try to be more specific. I would like to dedicate at least two hours each week to working on my novel.

I also want to maintain some type of health goal(s) this coming year. I have a suspicion that I have some type of issue with gluten. I don’t really know for sure, and the time I mentioned it to my doctor, they didn’t seem to care. I have a different doctor now though, so maybe I can explore that with them this coming year. Regardless, any time I eat bread, pasta, pretzels, crackers, pizza, etc., I feel awful. I have excruciating headaches, I get rashes sometimes, and my stomach hurts. The times I have cut out gluten, I tend to start to feel better. I just rarely stick to these changes because… I love all those things I listed SO MUCH. But I would really love not to feel terrible, and I think I’m finally at the point of committing to a long-term change to see if it makes a difference. So, in 2026, I’m going to try to commit to a gluten free diet and see how things go. In saying this, I highly recommend people consult their doctors. Please, please, please seek qualified medical advice. It’s also on my list to speak with my doctor about it and see what they think. Luckily, I have my annual checkup on the 30th and that will be perfect timing to get started for 2026.

I wrote a blog earlier this year (ADHD, Maybe?) that mentions an app that I downloaded, Finch. I have been using it all year. It helps you come up with ideas of small goals that you can accomplish to help work towards larger goals. One that it suggested for me because I mentioned wanting to move more was “Go for a 5-minute walk.” I selected it a couple of weeks as a weekly goal, but I did not really focus on it like some of my other goals. I want to change that in 2026. It’s a small daily goal that I can reasonably accomplish if I put effort into it. I want to try to average at least 4,000 steps a day in 2026 and a 5-minute daily walk would likely help reach that average step goal.

Resolution five from 2025 will carry over to 2026. I could use any prayers, thoughts, vibes, or really anything anyone wants to send my way.

So, here’s the official list:

1. Dedicate at least two hours each week to working on my novel.
2. Have a gluten free diet.
3. Go for at least a 5-minute walk every day.
4. Personal resolution that I won’t detail.

I feel these resolutions are manageable and will not overwhelm me. I am excited to see how these play out in 2026.

*Adding the next paragraph post initial publishing date for this blog.*

I thought about it and then promptly forgot, before I added it to this blog, that I wanted to add a journaling resolution. I randomly remembered today, about four days later. I would like to add “Post a daily journal prompt on my author Instagram” to the list! I did a couple journaling challenges during early 2025 and I enjoyed them thoroughly. I want to do that again in 2026 but make it a whole year thing. I don’t have any set prompt ideas, so I’ll probably just google random prompt ideas and do whatever I’m in the mood for on any given day.

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Let’s move on to the bucket list portion of this blog! Here’s the list if you need a review!

  1. Pet a giraffe.  
  2. Publish a book.  
  3. Voice a character in an animated movie.  
  4. Visit Giraffe Manor in Kenya.  
  5. Meet Michael B. Jordan (If you haven’t read my Michael B, Jordan blog, please do. Maybe the extra views will get the word out to him! Haha!). 
  6. Go to Disney World with friends. 
  7. Walk on the side of a road when a car drives through a puddle and get splashed by it.  
  8. Buy a new flute.  
  9. Fill at least 100 journals with my thoughts.  
  10. Visit the Australia zoo.  
  11. Own a pink Volkswagen Beetle. 
  12. Complete one of those man vs. food challenges. I’d request mine involve breakfast food.  
  13. Ride in a helicopter.  
  14. Attempt to snowboard.  
  15. Meet Tom Hanks since he shares the same birthday as me and that seems like a good enough reason. 
  16. Go horseback riding.  
  17. Swim with sharks.  
  18. Go on a cruise.  
  19. Finish the crochet blanket I started in high school. 
  20. Have a room in my home dedicated to my reading and writing aspirations.  
  21. Become fluent in Spanish. 
  22. Kiss someone in the rain.
  23. Visit Times Square on New Year’s Eve.  
  24. Visit the Grand Canyon.  
  25. Ride a double-decker bus and get off it like Amanda Bynes did in What a Girl Wants.  
  26. Go on an extravagantly planned date that my date planned.  
  27. Meet Hilary Duff since someone told me I looked like her once and getting a selfie with her would be legit. 
  28. Star in a mermaid inspired photo shoot.
  29. Take a picture with the person playing Ariel at Disneyland or Disney World.  
  30. Visit Mount Rushmore. 
  31. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and pick out my own wand.  
  32. Design a pair of shoes.  
  33. Attempt to surf.  
  34. Have a home with a huge kitchen island. 
  35. Own a robot vacuum.  
  36. Be a bridesmaid or maid of honor.  
  37. Ride in a hot air balloon.
  38. Get a tattoo on my arm and have my mom not be mad at me.  
  39. Ride on a train. 
  40. Impact the universal mental health conversation in a huge way.  
  41. Work with an organization/cleaning company in some way.
  42. Have a picture with all eight of my siblings present.  
  43. Go on safari.  
  44. Ride an elephant and camel. 
  45. Receive a love letter from someone I also love (No creepy letters, please).  
  46. Go on a segway tour.  
  47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.  
  48. Go on a zipline.
  49. Play a game of paintball.  
  50. Make a font out of my handwriting. 
  51. Take a pottery class.  
  52. Get on a Jumbotron.
  53. Catch a foul ball or a home run ball at a baseball game.
  54. Write a blog a week at least one year.
  55. Be on a game show.
  56. Indoor skydive.
  57. See the aurora borealis.
  58. Go ice skating.
  59. Complete birthday paintings every year for my kids until they’re 18 or ask me to stop.
  60. Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.
  61. Be debt free.
  62. Visit a waterfall.

————
Here’s a reminder of which ones I crossed off prior to 2025:

18. Go on a cruise.
22. Kiss someone in the rain.
35. Own a robot vacuum.
37. Ride in a hot air balloon.
38. Get a tattoo on my arm and have my mom not be mad at me.
39. Ride on a train.
47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.
52. Get on a Jumbotron.
58. Go ice skating.

Here’s what I accomplished in 2025:

7. Walk on the side of a road when a car drives through a puddle and get splashed by it.
My husband is the best and drove through a puddle for me to accomplish this one! It was a blast.

47. Visit places that have “The World’s Largest…” miscellaneous item.
My husband and I visited The Bean in Chicago this year. We also visited the World’s largest Bass Pro Shop in Memphis. Technically I had been there before, but I didn’t realize it was significant at the time. Item number 47 is an ongoing one despite me having crossed this one off in 2024. I enjoy seeing the ways this one plays out as time goes on!

57. See the aurora borealis.
I NEVER thought I would accomplish this in the state of Kentucky. Sure enough, whatever has to happen for them to be seen, happened and it was seen in places it’s not generally common. It wasn’t the most beautiful scene where I live, but it was still pretty awesome.

60. Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.
I never thought I would achieve this, honestly. I don’t really know what happened this year. I wrote a blog about it (Bucket List #60). It’s so nice when your brain cooperates. I love myself so much, and it’s great that I love myself in my body how it is and not how I once wished daily it could be.

62. Visit a waterfall.
My husband went on a mini trip for Valentine’s Day. We visited Cumberland Falls during the trip, and it was too cool. This one wasn’t actually on the list at the beginning of the year, but I had to add it because it is definitely something I’ve always wanted to do.

————

14/62 feels incredible! I’m having a blast attempting to accomplish these items! My husband is also the best teammate to help me seek the adventure that is inevitable with a bucket list!

I think I could reasonably accomplish 1, 13, and 16 during 2026. I would like to try for 54, but I’m not sure if I’m in a position for 2026 to be the year for this accomplishment yet. I might give it a shot, but I won’t beat myself up about it if it doesn’t happen.

This is a good time to add in a reminder. Your value is not dependent on what you accomplish in your life or what you cross off a bucket list. You’re valuable as a person simply because you exist. You are loved simply for who you are, not what you may be able to offer someone. Don’t ever forget that! I love you, beautiful humans!

Sometimes the Only Thing to Do Is Yell, “F*ck!”

I imagine if you saw the title of my blog, you may have expected to see a curse word or two somewhere throughout this blog. I apologize for the lack of warning on the title, but here’s a warning that I am absolutely going to spell out the word throughout this blog at some points. Please enjoy!

I’m currently reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. If you’ve been following my website or author Instagram, you may know that this book was the May 2025 book club book for my book club, Adventure Awaits Book Club. (Oh man, that’s a lot of the words “book” and “club.”)

So, why am I reading it in December of 2025? Well, I lost the book for a while. I legit couldn’t find it anywhere in my room.

One day I’m sitting on the couch talking to my mom and I happen to look over at the bookshelf in our living room. The top three shelves are filled with family pictures and trinkets. My mom was kind enough to relinquish a shelf for some books that I have accumulated and sometimes leave sitting in places she would likely prefer they not be. That shelf is the bottom shelf.

Sitting on this shelf is my book club book! The issue is, I noticed this sometime in September. How has it been on the shelf for four months and I not notice? I do happen to have a blog called “ADHD, Maybe?” (Check it out!) My mom has also called me Dory for most of my life. I have no idea why I never noticed it there or thought to look there to begin with.

But anyways… I think I didn’t need to read it as much back in May as much I need to read it right now. I just finished chapter 35 of the book. In the copy I have, it’s page 254. I have about 150 pages remaining. The last sentence of chapter 35 is, “Sometimes the only thing to do is yell, “Fuck!”

Not going to even lie, chapter 35 made me cry. I had tears pouring down my face. (This is not the first time I cried in the book, and I anticipate it won’t be the last.) Thankfully, my sweet family were mostly all out of the home, and my mom was napping, so they did not witness my breakdown. I am a little under the weather today, and I had a little moment to myself to get some reading in. I don’t generally like to cry in front of anyone in general, but this moment made me think of a time in my life where I tried so hard not to cry and found myself yelling “Fuck” probably more than I even remember.

If you’ve read this book, or plan to do so in the future, I’m not even remotely attempting to compare my life experience to the person’s whose life is being described in this specific chapter and other places throughout the book. I am, however, writing this blog because I felt inspired. Coincidentally, my husband mentioned earlier that he had not seen me post a blog in a while. I told him I hadn’t felt inspired lately. I had no idea that a few hours later I would read a sentence that would inspire the words I currently type.

The book in general has made me think of my time in therapy. To help those who haven’t read the book, the book is about a therapist sharing her personal life experiences, client stories from her time as a therapist, and her experience in therapy while also being a therapist. I know I have mentioned numerous times throughout all the blogs I’ve written that I used to attend therapy. The time I mention most often, was my second experience with therapy, but my most substantial. The first time was only a few weeks. The second was four years!

I know I’ve mentioned how much those four years of therapy saved me. I can’t remember all the details I have shared, but I do feel it’s important for this blog, to share some therapy details, so please forgive me if these details are repetitive.

I loved my therapist. Aside from my family and a few friends, I had never felt love like I felt it from my therapist. It wasn’t anything unethical or inappropriate, but I could tell my therapist loved me. He loved me in a general sense of simply caring about another human going through a tough time in their lives. After four years, honestly, my therapist probably knew me better than any human ever had. There were things he would remember, things he would say, and just his general overall approach that helped me get through a horrible time for myself mentally.

My therapist helped me love myself. He would redirect me when I would make self-deprecating statements. He would validate me when I made dark statements and not make me feel like I was broken in those moments. He would listen to me and point out the light he could see in my eyes when I talked about things that mattered to me. Honestly, aside from my son and my mom, he’s the main reason I am here years later attempting to shine my light as bright as possible. He helped me realize I am so much more than the roles that I hold. He helped me realize that my personality isn’t something I should try to hide to be more palatable for others. He helped me love me.

He helped me cry. He helped me know that it was okay to yell “fuck” if you need to (more in a hypothetical sense than what the author described in their book). My therapist helped me get out my anger. He helped me find ways to be okay with being angry and that sometimes I have to just embrace it to be able to get through it. I absolutely yelled “fuck” loudly and numerous times while in my car driving to random places when my brain just couldn’t handle what it was feeling that day. He often mentioned he wished I could find one of those places where I could go and break random things. (There is one in my hometown now, and I hope to go do that activity one of these days!)

The reason I feel I needed this book is because I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Nothing compared to what I felt when I was attending therapy, but enough to know that I haven’t exactly felt like myself. I have been feeling some of the angry feelings that I felt back then though and that scared me a bit.

There are a few people in my life, to some extent, that I wish were not. I say to some extent, because if they would chill the heck out, things would probably be fine. I don’t know that they’re capable of it though, so I manage what comes at me. I truly just wish I didn’t have to manage. I just wish things could be so much better than they are without all the struggles and having to stay on your toes waiting to see what drama someone might bring to your life next.

There’s another line in this book that states, “It’s just one of those things.” The context that sentence was used was to help a person see that there’s no explanation for something bad happening. It’s literally “just one of those things.” We often seek a reason for why things happen or don’t happen. You could say “It’s all in God’s plan.” That’s a valid statement. However, that often doesn’t really feel helpful when it comes to the horrific things that happen in a person’s life.

Honestly, sometimes things happen and you just have to yell “fuck”.

It may be in God’s plan. It may just be one of those things. It really doesn’t matter why most days. Sometimes, just yell. Go break things (in a safe environment and not things that will cause you more problems later, please). Go sit in therapy and cry your eyes out. Cry in front of your family. Cry whenever you feel is necessary. Get those feelings out and don’t let them eat away at you!

Sometimes things don’t make sense, but trying to ignore all those hard feelings, isn’t going to help you move forward in the long run.

My husband and I had a disagreement the other day. We were both right. We generally are on the same page within a disagreement but for some reason take a minute to realize we want the same thing and are often debating semantics. He was washing the dishes earlier today and asked me to stay in the kitchen with him when he noticed me heading back to our room to get back in bed because I wasn’t feeling well. This man loves me! Thanks again in part to my therapist, I am actually able to recognize love. I could see the love in his face when he asked me to sit in the kitchen while he washed. He knew I wasn’t feeling up for cleaning even though that tends to be what I do when he cooks breakfast. He wouldn’t ask for me to clean, but he asked for me to stay with him while he did. My husband truly enjoys my presence.

While he was washing the dishes, I was reading. I looked up at him and watched him for a while. At one point he turns towards me and smiles his beautiful smile. We hadn’t technically resolved the disagreement we had the other day, and I think were at the point where we just realized it wasn’t worth any further conversation. We both know we are right and what needs to happen. We’re just doing it at this point. His beautiful smile triggered the thought of “I love his face. I hope I always have this man smiling back at me in life.”

While I am a proponent of divorce absolutely being on the table, my husband and I are actively taking care of each other’s hearts to avoid it having to be a choice we make. I don’t believe divorce is in our future, but I am not ignorant to the fact that if we don’t prioritize our relationship, anything can happen.

It might seem odd for me to bring this information about my husband up. However, I bring it up because of some other sentences from Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. “And you know what I’m going to miss most of all? His face. I’m going to miss looking at his beautiful face. It’s my favorite face in the entire world.”

How is it that I spoke with my husband about not feeling inspired, think the thought I thought about his sweet face, read all the words I mentioned throughout this blog, and then get to the point of feeling inspired to write this blog all in the same day?

I think it’s because I was meant to write this blog. These words need to be out in the world. I’ve been in my feelings lately and honestly, sometimes the only thing I need to do is yell, “Fuck!” I need to realize that things just are the way they are sometimes, and I can’t always change them. I have a phenomenal husband, five beautiful children, the most amazing mom, and my life is honestly something I could never have dreamed of having during those four years of therapy.

Like I mentioned in my blog, “Good Things Can Happen,” “I can’t promise you life will get better, but I will say that good things can happen.”

I can’t sit here and say that the bad things happening in your life will work out the way you hope. I can only say that, sometimes the only thing to do is yell, “fuck,” and keep moving forward. As I say in a number of my blogs, do what makes you happy. Find what works for you. If you aren’t up for yelling a curse word, find something else that helps you not hold in your anger. It’s okay to let go at times. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to not have it all together. Life will be hard. People will suck and make life challenging. In the case of this specific chapter in the book, there may not be anything you can do to change the bad things that happen. Life isn’t always going to make sense, but I hope you can find the people in life that make it better.

I hope you have someone in your life that you love seeing their face. If not, I hope you love your face. You deserve to love your face even if you’re not in the best head space at any given time. I also hope you find someone else someday whose face you live. It doesn’t have to be a spouse. People have a way of being your favorite face even if they are not a partner. My therapist’s face was my favorite for the longest time. I’m grateful for my therapist’s presence when I needed it. I’m grateful he helped me find joy again in life. I’m grateful for reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone now instead of in May. I haven’t finished it yet, but I highly recommend it. I don’t imagine that recommendation changing within the next 150 pages.

Life isn’t easy, but you’re doing great! Be kind to others. If you’re the one causing problems in other people’s lives, maybe you should talk to someone! 🙂

Parenting Phrases

I have been thinking about the best way to organize this blog for a while now. I’ve written a few blogs related to parenting, but I think this will likely be my favorite.

I am 100% an evidence based research girlie! I love speaking with facts and support behind my statements. If the United States ever makes college free, I will be the first one applying to law school. I am all about education and learning new things.

However, through my blog, I tend to speak from my personal experience. I want to preface anything you read below with the statement that anything perceived as parenting advice are simply things that have worked well for me and my family.

I will say that I am heavily influenced by my educational and professional background/experience. I have a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Psychology. I completed 43 credit hours to attempt to obtain a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. (My credits have since expired as I was unable to complete the degree timely due to life circumstances. It’s okay, I’ve cried about it and I’ve dealt with that fact now). I worked as a preschool teacher and a caregiver for a child with Autism while in grad school. I worked with Child Protective Services for seven years in the capital of Texas. I presently work as a Targeted Case Manager at a Community Mental Health Clinic. Through my professional experience, I have been required to maintain continuing education regularly and have attended many trainings that work off of evidence based research. I have been certified in Motivational Interviewing. I have held Mental Health First Aid certifications in the past.

While I believe that I am heavily practicing off evidence based research, I am still just a parent out here winging it. Every child is different. Every life experience and environment is different and may impact children differently. Coparenting situations can impact how children behave. There are any number of factors that influence the parenting experience.

The intent behind this blog is to give readers a glimpse into what works for me (or at least what I’m practicing with the hope that it will work) and potentially offer ideas that may work for other kids as well. If there is something you don’t vibe with, that’s okay. This blog is in no way intending to be presented as proven evidence based research. It has the potential to be helpful, but I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression or claim I have all the answers related to the topic of parenting.

In saying all of the above, I will now move into the portion that I am most excited to write about.

There are a number of what I’ll call “parenting phrases” that come out of the mouths of my husband and I on the regular. We have the ever so common “keep your hands to yourself” or “use your words,” but we’ve developed or adopted some of our own that we currently use to help ease some of the typical dilemmas that come up while parenting young children.

I will list the phrases below and then come back to explain a bit about each one later on. If it starts with the first person (some version of “I”) that is referring to my husband or I. If there is an ellipsis that means it tends to be a starter phrase and then it’s followed up with something else. All of the phrases require explanation initially, but the ones without ellipsis are mostly absolute, and our kids have adapted to them without much need for follow up.

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Here we go:

1. If you want to bring it, you have to hold it.

2. I don’t make promises about the future.

3. I’m not an amusement park ride.

4. I’m not a trash holder.

5. Please don’t speak for your sibling…

6. When you’re done crying/being mad, we can talk.

7. We don’t speak about people’s bodies.

8. I like everything you do…

9. Please ask before hugging.

10. You can be mad, you don’t get to be disrespectful.

11. Focus on yourself…

12. Let me be the parent, please…

13. If you can’t say it loud, it doesn’t need to be whispered.

———

Without context, some of these might be a little unclear. Without follow up to some, they also aren’t likely going to be effective. I will list them again below and add more information to support why we use them.

1. If you want to bring it, you have to hold it.

This one has helped decrease arguments about bringing items to church, the grocery store, a gathering, a community event (like a parade or something), etc. My son would throw fits because I would tell him he couldn’t bring all 100 of his dinosaurs or whatever it was he wanted to bring that day. So, I had to figure out how to navigate this without an argument every time we left the house.

I decided to tell him, you can bring it, but I won’t hold it for you if you get tired or bored of it. I told him if you get tired or throw it on the ground then you have to keep holding them or it will get left wherever you throw it. You best believe he tested me to see if I was serious, and it only took a few steps of me walking past the item for him to believe me. He didn’t try me to many more times before my phrase held weight.

We’ve also adopted the cousin phrase “you can bring it, but it has to stay in the car.” That’s been a compromise my son and now daughters have accepted as reasonable for places where whatever item they want to bring is just not acceptable. For example, we don’t let them bring stuffed animals to the park because they’re not all as easy to clean as some things like sports balls. School events are a no go for items because we tell them it’s important to focus on the reason we’re there and they can play with toys later. After one or two reminders of this, they just have to hear the base phrase and accept it for what it is.

2. I don’t make promises about the future.

This one has helped decrease so many arguments and avoid disappointment. I can almost guarantee that all parents hear a constant barrage of questions about something their child/children want or want to do.

Some examples:

  • “Can I get this for my birthday?”
  • “Can we have McDonald’s later?”
  • “Can I stay up late tonight?”
  • “Can we go …insert place here… today/tomorrow/etc.”

We started saying that we don’t make promises about the future and the arguments like would happen if we said “no,” “I don’t know,” or “we’ll see” have disappeared. The phrase helps prevent disappointment if we aren’t able to do whatever it is they want to do. Let’s face it, “we’ll see” pretty much has become standard for “means no” and most kids know that. “I don’t make promises about the future” helps if you change it up frequently. It doesn’t give them the opportunity to associate the phrase with yes or no if sometimes you end up doing what you ask.

As a parent to multiple children, it’s hard to know what you’re going to be able to do at any given moment. We don’t want to let our kids down, and if we say we’re going to do something and then can’t, for whatever reason, it’s heartbreaking to see their disappointment. I know disappointment is inevitable, but this phrase helps alleviate some.

3. I’m not an amusement park ride.

Maybe this is just a me thing but this statement came out randomly one day, and I realized I love it. At the time I’m writing this blog, my husband and I have a 17 year old, an 11 year old, two seven year olds, and a four year old. This one is geared more towards the three youngest.

Anytime my husband or I do something silly to one of them, the other two hop in line and immediately ask “can you do that to me too?!”

While I understand the desire, there’s sometimes I just don’t have the ability to pick our son up as easily as our four year old. So if I pick her up and twirl her around, I may not be able to do the same to him.

That’s just one example. A simpler one is if I tickle one. For some reason they all want to be tickled. Some days I’m all for tickling all of them. Other days, it was just a redirection tool I used to prevent a break down and the other kids thought it was that kid getting something special that they didn’t.

This isn’t one that you have to use all the time, but it helps when you’re overstimulated, don’t have time, or simply to explain to your kids that you’re not treating any of them more or less special.

4. I’m not a trash holder.

This kinda goes along with number one. So many times our kids will beg for a snack/drink somewhere, we’ll give them one, and then when they finish they try to hand the wrapper or bottle to us. Nope. I didn’t ask for the snack/drink. You can find a trash can or hold it until one can be found.

I know that it is no fun to hold something while you search for a trash can. However, kids need to learn that parents aren’t there to solve all their problems. This is a small way to teach them independence and learn how to problem solve. You best believe they find a trash can or come up with a creative solution for how to get the trash out of their hands.

5. Please don’t speak for your sibling…

Our sweet babies have a tendency to say “I think they meant…”

Nope. You are not your sibling’s spokesperson. You are not responsible for reporting their feelings or emotions. If they are not capable of speaking for themselves, we will help address that with them.

We want to ensure our children are learning how to effectively communicate for themselves and be strong advocates for their needs/wants.

6. When you’re done crying/being mad, we can talk.

It is so hard trying to understand a crying or screaming child. If you need to cry, cry (for as long as they want, it’s best not to make them feel like there’s a time limit). If you want to scream… well, we’ll have to figure out some solutions for that to not scare the neighbors.

We’re trying to help our children understand that you generally can’t get much accomplished while you’re upset or angry. Those feels are valid, and we’ll do our best to validate them, but when we’ve gotten past the initial emotions and can better process what we’re experiencing, we’re much more effective.

This one is a work in progress.

7. We don’t speak about people’s bodies.

Never! It doesn’t matter what the reason is, there will never be a good one to comment on another person’s body unless you were asked, are flirting with your partner/spouse, or you’re a medical professional.

Kids don’t tend to realize they are being inappropriate when they ask “what’s wrong with their face?” or “why is their belly so big?”

Yes, those are really questions my son has asked. Thankfully, the people were not in earshot to hear them.

We want our children to understand respecting their bodies and respecting others. We work hard to ensure our children understand safe physical touch and appropriate affection in general.

Setting this boundary helps limit negative associations with different body types.

8. I like everything you do…

This one definitely needs context. We obviously don’t like negative behaviors.

This one is typically used in response to “Do you like it?”

The actual phrase varies. Sometimes I say, “my answer will always be yes.” Then I’ll follow it up with something like, “tell me about your picture,” “what’s your favorite part of what you created,” or “Wow! You worked so hard on that!”

We don’t want our children focusing on the opinions of others. While we know it’s natural for children to seek validation from their parents, we want them to understand that we are their biggest fans and will love anything and everything. We want them to focus on internal validation and believing that they are amazing regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I mean, who are parents to judge the quality of a child’s artwork or something they created. They aren’t doing it for validation, they’re doing it because it’s fun.

9. Please ask before hugging.

Personal boundaries are huge. If children don’t understand that people aren’t allowed to touch them without their permission, then that raises the risk of them experiencing abuse. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s important for children to understand healthy affection, and even people that love you, and will likely always want to hug you, still need to be asked first.

10. You can be mad, you don’t get to be disrespectful.

We try to validate our kids when they’re upset. The problem becomes when they start calling people names, being aggressive, or crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.

I’ll give you a scenario of how this plays out.

One kid does something that bothers another. The kid who is bothered says: “You’re stupid/annoying/mean.” Then the kid who was doing the bothering escalates, starts name calling as well, or the tattling begins.

If one of the kids was in fact doing something that would warrant redirecting, we tend to start there. Then we turn back to the kid who was offended and help them learn healthier methods for addressing their problems.

It’s also common when kids are told no or don’t get something they want for them to start name calling, yelling, or something of the sort.

So, these things tend to lead towards the parenting phrase.

Healthy communication is important. We tell them all the time that yelling or hurt in someone will never help them accomplish their needs the way they want.

This one is also a work in progress.

11. Focus on yourself…

Goodness. These children be ratting their siblings out so fast. They are quick to be like “why does he/she get to do that” before we even have the chance to address the other child. This is similar to “please don’t speak for your siblings,” but is more geared towards them, honestly, just minding their own business.

12. Let me be the parent, please…

This is a cousin to number 11 and number 5. The kids will constantly tell the others what to do. We are fairly decent parents. I’d even go so far as to say amazing parents, but I’m biased, so you don’t have to agree. Either way, we work hard to make sure our kids never have to be responsible for their siblings. We will do everything possible to make sure our children don’t feel parentified.

I don’t even believe in siblings babysitting if there’s an age gap. It’s not their responsibility. I understand not everyone has that luxury, but it’s our personal choice. You gotta do what works for you and your family!

13. If you can’t say it loud, it doesn’t need to be whispered.

This is a newer one. The kids have started learning to be sneakier about their rudeness. They will whisper rude comments to the other and act like we can’t hear their whispers.

This is also another way to prevent potential abuse. If you can’t say something with your whole chest, you don’t need to be saying it.

———

This is one of my favorite blogs I’ve written. I love talking about creative ways to help children grow and thrive.

The only other comment I’ll make about these, outside of my earlier disclaimers, is that you have to support your phrases with evidence. If you say it, you have to do it, mean it, and/or maintain the phrase consistently. If your kids don’t believe you, because you’re inconsistent with follow through, then it won’t matter what you say to them.

We tell our kids all the time, words are important. They have the potential to do so much good but also can cause so much harm. If you don’t back your words up with evidence or a change in behavior, they really mean nothing.

Parenting is the craziest adventure we’ve been on. We’re learning, adjusting, and straight winging it. I imagine many parents feel the same way. Do the best you can! What works for some may not work for others. You have to figure out what works for you and your kids.

If you read this far, thank you! I hope you found something helpful! If not, that’s okay too! I love healthy debate and conversation. I’m all for hearing alternative advice, research, or helpful information to help my children if others want to share.

If you needed a reminder, I figured I’d throw one in here. You are worthy of love and kindness simply because you exist. You’re doing great! (If you’re being racist, homophobic, etc., you’re not doing great. Do better!)

Bucket List #60

Bucket List Item Number 60: “Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.”

Y’all.

Did I do it?

Can I mark off number 60 from my bucket list?

Help me decide.

In a class I took while in grad school, I remember doing a presentation about art therapy. Part of the assignment was to make the presentation interactive. I bought sketch pads for everyone and led an activity.

I asked everyone to draw the part of their body they feel most insecure about. For the example, I had drawn a picture of my side profile. For as long as I can remember, I have gotten dressed and then turned to the side in a mirror to see if I look fat or not.

My main concern has always been my stomach. Does it stick out to far over my jeans? Can you see multiple rolls through the outfit? How fat do I appear to be to others?

So, in the sketch pad, I drew a picture of my stomach sticking far out from a side profile. I also drew my nose sticking out and my butt. I had a few insecurities to give examples.

Then, I asked everyone to write down comments they have said about their bodies or someone has said to them about their bodies.

Throughout this activity I helped them through a reframing process. Basically, the way we look has no relation to the amount of worth we have. We are amazing simply because we exist. I couldn’t go too in depth about art therapy practices, but an example of an activity one can do through art therapy is drawing a portrait of how they see themselves using positive thoughts. There are any number of ways to use art therapy to build positive self worth.

I bring all this up to say that I have not taken my own or helpful evidence based research’s advice and valued myself simply for existing. I’ve worried about how I look for as long as I can remember. I’ve thought about losing weight everyday for most of my life. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough because I’m larger than medical professionals and society think I should be.

When I wrote number 60 on my bucket list, I didn’t think I would be able to consider marking it off within a number of years, let alone less than one since I wrote it.

Here I am, nine months after adding it to the list thinking I may be able to mark it off.

Why am I uncertain? I made the list. I should know what qualifies me to mark it off or not.

Well, I guess it’s because it’s been such a short time that I haven’t thought about losing weight.

This past week, before writing these words, was the first week I have no memory of turning to the side and wondering if I look fat or not. The only time I remember turning to the side was because I saw my butt in an outfit and stepped back to admire how awesome my butt looked that day.

I realized this in the bathroom the other night. I had been feeling a little bloated (my period was about to start) and I went to check my weight just out of curiosity. Then I stopped before I even got on the scale as I realized I did not care one bit what it said. There were no emotions that I normally experience when getting on the scale. I wasn’t terrified that I had gained a bunch of weight even though I was feeling a little heavier because of the bloating. I wasn’t feeling hopeful that I had lost weight. I genuinely didn’t even know why I got on the scale.

It felt so freeing. I then realized I hadn’t even really looked at myself in the mirror or worried at all about if I looked good enough to exist in the world once that past week.

So, is a week enough to mark this off?

I don’t know.

I know I’m going to have hard days. I know I’m going to have days where I get upset because an outfit doesn’t fit how I want it to fit. However, am I past the constant thoughts about my weight?

I really don’t know. I’d like to think so. A few here and there is better than doubting myself every single day, multiple times a day. I think I’ll take it.

How did I get here?

I’m honestly not really sure.

I’ve been to therapy in the past and this was something I spoke about. It didn’t seem to help. I’ve dated decently attractive people. That didn’t seem to matter. I am an educated person and know the value of reframing thought processes. I continued to not do that when I needed to despite helping others succeed at it.

I have done a lot of work this past year to try to value myself. I’ve been writing more. I’ve been attempting to find joy and keep track of it. I’ve been being vulnerable and posting pictures of myself I’d normally hide because I didn’t look perfect. I’ve tried to be kind to myself and think about whether I would want my children to say the things I say to myself to themselves.

I’ve said something similar to this next sentence somewhere, but I can’t remember where. Regardless, It also doesn’t hurt that my husband is a genuine King. That man treats me like a Queen! It doesn’t matter what I do, that man is licking his lips as if I were made of the most delicate treat and he can’t wait to take a bite. He’s so genuine in his love. I’ve never once doubted myself around him and that’s not normal for relationships I’ve experienced. Everyone I’ve been with in the past has had something to say about my body that wasn’t kind, even if they tried to pass it off as being helpful. My husband’s love for me, in any capacity, is clear in his eyes and his actions. It has definitely helped with my perception of myself, but it’s not been the only thing that has needed to change.

The fact is, if you don’t love yourself, it won’t matter what someone else says, you’ll doubt yourself. I know I’m not perfect, and I will have days where I don’t like the way I look again. However, right now, I’m grateful that I can’t even name the day I last had a negative thought about my body.

I don’t have a cure all. I don’t have a step by step plan to offer anyone that is struggling with body image and self worth. I truly wish I did. I wish I could connect everyone to a love like my husband. All I can say is to keep trying to figure out what works for you. Do the things that bring you joy. Try to remember that regardless of what you look like, you’re still worthy of loving yourself. You deserve a great love. Find people that speak light into your life and don’t cut you down with backhanded compliments. If you don’t have that support yet, you haven’t been able to convince your brain to talk kind to yourself, or just need a positive word of encouragement, that’s what I’m here for!

Being a human is hard! Be kind to yourself!

Nonsense

I got my first hate comment about my content the other day. It didn’t come in the way I assumed my first hate comment would, but it made me think about writing another blog. I tend to process things through writing and this felt like a great way to process some thoughts I’ve been having.

So…

The other day, my husband said something that bothered me. In a moment of frustration, I may have been saying things that were outside of my character about people that I’m not the biggest fan of. My darling sweet husband reminded me that the best plan of action is to love them like Jesus. I fired back with, “I’m not freaking Jesus!”

I chilled out and generally agreed, but truly, I’m not freaking Jesus. I don’t know how to respond to hate without letting it fester inside my body and have my anxiety take hold of it. I try to think of how to manage it, but sometimes I just want to lash out and treat people how they treat me. I tend to turn to words. I journal. I write a blog. I write whatever it is that will help me process what is bothering me.

As I drove to work, the morning I started writing these words, I had the following thought:

It doesn’t matter if you’re literally Jesus, people will still find something to hate about you.

You can be so kind, and people will say you’re so mean. You can help everyone you come across, and people will say it’s not enough. You can put out content with the intent of helping others manage their mental health, or simply just to put a little joy out in the world, and people will still call it “nonsense.”

I’ve wished and prayed that I could be less empathetic. I’ve wished and prayed that I could be as mean as people have been to me. I’ve wished and prayed that I could get rid of my intuition and perceptive abilities. I get frustrated and angry that people have treated me and the people I care about in such disgusting, hateful, and plain evil ways, and I simply can’t muster to respond back in the same way.

What I find to be nonsense is that I’d ever want to be anything like these types of people. Why would I ever want to have such painful emotions or feelings living in my body? Why would I want to hurt people? Why would I want to have a type of brain that functions in such deplorable ways? That’s nonsense.

I feel everything so deeply. I can see the hurt in people’s bodies the second I look into their eyes. My mind immediately sees the good in people and assumes any bad is coming from trauma and/or ignorance. I want to pour out love to every single person I come in contact with. My body naturally seeks joy and seeks to spread joy to others. It’s my homeostasis state.

Life has a way of trying to suck the good right out of you. When you think you’re past the point in your life where you’ve experienced your darkest thoughts, something comes in to try and suck you back in that direction.

Society in general causes so much suffering and my brain can’t fathom the hate that people spread. Experiencing hate from people that you have to interact with, that aren’t politicians you can separate yourself from, is an experience that takes a lot of strength.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m strong. My brain is neurospicy and helps me use my abilities to help my family and I. I can take on a lot and not break.

However, there’s some days where any sense of Jesus, that I try to hold in my body, tries to escape and let the darker thoughts roam free. I consider turning towards manipulation, name calling, and all other forms of inappropriate communication thrown at me.

I’m writing this because I know I’m not Jesus. I’m writing this because I know I struggle. I’m writing this because I know how hard it is to be a human. I’m writing this because I know others likely experience the same internal battles I’m facing.

When people in your life, and society in general, continue to try and tear you down, it’s hard to stand up. It’s hard to not cling to the darkness. It’s hard to choose the path that Jesus likely would. Being a human is so freaking hard!

I don’t know if anyone will get anything out of reading these words, maybe they are all nonsense, but just try to be kind.

Nobody gets anything out of being hateful. The world’s hard enough as it is. We’re already dealing with enough systemic, economic, racial, etc. injustices, you don’t need to add chaos. Treat people how you want to be treated. Treat people how you want your children to be treated. Treat people how you would expect Jesus to be treated.

I know that people won’t always see the good in you. People literally crucified Jesus. Martin Luther King Jr. advocated for peaceful resistance and we know what happened. History has not been kind to those that stand up against evil. I hope anyone reading this will find themselves on the right side of history.

I may not always say or do the right things, but I try my best to put out content that is filled with joy, seeks to help others, and fights injustice. Reading and writing is a form of resistance. It may be nonsense to some, but I promise, it’s light, joy, and love for others.

I love all you beautiful humans, even those that make it difficult to love them. I do what I do to help others, even those who aren’t willing to see it.

Try your best in this inane world! People will do everything they can to make you doubt and question yourself. Seek support, seek healthy relationships, and seek those that are kind! I hope to be that safe place for anyone who needs one!

Not Everything Is About Race

Not everything is about race when you’re White.

Not everything is about race when your race has never impacted you.

Not everything is about race when you haven’t had to worry every day that your race might get you hurt.

Not everything is about race when you haven’t had to explain to your child why they have to act a certain way to remain safe because people target people that look like them.

Not everything is about race when systems haven’t historically been designed to harm you.

Not everything is about race when everyone around you looks just like you and your worldview is limited to those like you.

Not everything is about race when your race isn’t disproportionately represented in systems like the criminal justice system or the foster care system.

Not everything is about race when you don’t have to worry about being traumatized each time you turn on the news because someone that looks like you was targeted in a race based hate crime.

Not everything is about race when most “nude” colored products all match your skin tone.

Not everything is about race when you have always been able to own property without question.

Not everything is about race when no one’s ever followed you because you “look suspicious.”

Not everything is about race when no one’s ever accused you of only achieving something to meet “diversity quotas.”

Not everything is about race when no one’s ever asked you if you’re babysitting your own child because their skin doesn’t look exactly like yours.

Not everything is about race when you don’t ever worry about being the only person that looks like you when you go somewhere.

Not everything is about race when the shows you watch on TV have always had characters that look like you.

Have I made my point?

Stop being racist. Stop pretending that racism doesn’t exist simply because it’s not impacting you.

Racism is rampant in the United States and the people saying “Not everything is about race” are perpetuating it.

Be better. Do better.

Freely Given

I started to write this as a quick Facebook post, but I started writing more and more and believe it’s important to post through my blog. So, please enjoy!

I’ve been telling our daughter that she should be drinking more water while at school because her water bottle has been coming home at the same level since school started two weeks ago.   She struggles to drink water in general because she prefers other drinks that we don’t tend to buy or allow our kids to drink. She also says she forgets, which is highly likely.

I told her it’s okay, and I’m only reminding her because water is important to keep our bodies healthy.  Yesterday (the day prior to me writing these words) her water bottle was almost half empty.  I told her she should be so proud of herself for working hard to drink more water.  She said she tried to drink more so that I would be happy and proud of her. 

My son was in the room for that conversation.  He immediately chimed in before I could respond and said “You don’t have to do anything to make mom proud.  She’s always proud of us.”  I stumbled for a second.  I know I tell the kids all the time what my son said, but it was the first time I’d heard it repeated in that way. 

I told our daughter that she should be proud of herself for working hard to take care of her body.  I reiterated that I’ll be proud whether the bottle is full or empty.  I told her she does not have to work hard or do something specific to earn anything from me.  I told her that the priority is for her to learn to take care of her body and love herself.  She smiled and moved on to finish what she was doing when the conversation started.  

I know the statement “I’m so proud of you” is so natural and feels like the right thing to say.  A college professor I had for a few classes often would speak on the negative outcomes of that comment.  He stated that children internalize that comment and believe they have to keep producing something or acting in a certain way to earn the approval of their parents.  That stuck with me since.  

I can’t remember if I’m doing things exactly as that professor recommended, but I’ve tried to turn all the focus on the kids.  I’ve been telling Henry for a long time that “he should be proud of himself for… whatever it might be.”  A few work trainings related to play therapy have also shown that pointing out a child’s efforts is most helpful.  So, basically, “you have worked so hard to take care of your body.”  

I really appreciate this thought process.  I’m not a licensed provider, but I do have a Bachelor’s in Psychology, completed all but one class and the practicum portion of a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, have seven years experience as a Child Protective Services Conservatorship Specialist, and now continue work in the helping profession as a Targeted Case Manager.  

Learning has always been my passion.  I think people never noticed my symptoms of ADHD because I produced positive results.  I had good grades.  I was considered a “good kid” because my symptoms didn’t impact my schoolwork.  Essentially, people were proud of me.  

My son has struggled with his own ADHD symptoms and is often labeled in a negative way because his symptoms are more disruptive.  His impulse control issues are a work in progress.  Throughout his first two years of school, he didn’t have very many issues with doing the work if he was able to focus on it.  However, children that are 5, 6, and/or 7 typically already have struggle focusing in general because they’re learning to adapt to school and a totally structured environment.   His attention and behavior issues have caused him to get behind because he was pulled out of class, almost daily during kindergarten, for disrupting his peers.   He now has an individualized education program (IEP) and this has helped exponentially with ensuring he is offered support based on his individual needs.  

Throughout all this I started to become worried because he became increasingly frustrated about not being able to read some words he’s supposed to know or focus for very long when we would try to do any homework or other supportive work that wasn’t required but I thought would help.  That was about the time when my statements really started focusing on ensuring he feels proud of himself and ensuring he understands that he’s not more or less worthy of love or more or less valued based on what he produces in school or in general.  

Children don’t have to earn love.  Love should be freely given! Children don’t have to do certain things for parents to be proud.  Parents should be teaching their children to build internal love and pride for themselves.  Most of what you address with them should be about teaching them to care for their body, their heart, and their mind.  It shouldn’t be about teaching them to care more about earning love and pride from the people that should freely give it. 

I’m grateful to know my son has taken my words to heart and knows I love him no matter what.  I haven’t been in my daughters’ lives for as long, but I hope all of our children always believe the same!  

Being a parent is hard!  I’ve yelled.  I’ve tried spanking my son a couple times.  I’ve said rude things.  I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m perfect.  I’m simply writing because I’m grateful for this positive parenting moment, and I want to document this for times I feel like I’m failing as a parent.  

Don’t be too hard on yourself!  Try your best and tag in your support network if you need help.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help or taking breaks when parenting feels overwhelming.  Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it comes with inherent pressure.  If you’re trying to be kind, loving, and are trying to teach your children the same things, that’s great!  

(If you’re teaching your children to continue racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. beliefs then you’re not doing great.  Get some help and be better!) 

Face the Unknown

Around Father’s Day this year, I started to write a blog.  I didn’t get very far, and it wasn’t sounding how I wanted it to sound.  I planned to put something in writing about my then partner, as I tend to get my feelings out much better in writing. I wanted something tangible for him to see to convey how amazing he is as a man and a father.  I decided to leave the blog as a draft.

As I wrote, I started to complain a bit about how I had not seen a father in action consistently during my life.  I essentially insulted most of the people who have been a father figure to myself and/or my son to show how my husband far exceeds these other people.  While it may be true, it really didn’t need to be said to convey my appreciation for him.  I also didn’t feel the words were good enough to convey my message.  I know my partner isn’t a reader and it was getting a little too wordy.  I felt the message wasn’t what he needed to feel loved on Father’s Day either. 

So, I did a few other cute things like bought us and the kids matching Father’s Day related shirts, had the kids pick out gifts (each kid had $10), and then made a video of the kids answering questions about their dad.  It was a great day.  I think it meant more to him than a blog about my feelings for him would have. I think he mostly enjoyed just having all of our babies around us and thought of the gifts as a nice bonus.

Why am I writing about this now?  Great question.  A little over a year ago, my coworker told me about her cousin.  I wrote a journal entry that day that said the following: “Dating new people is scary because you’re facing the unknown.  My coworker was telling me about her cousin today.  He has three kids with three different women.  That’s a no from me but I appreciate the thought.  I hope to find someone someday but maybe it’s not meant to be for me.”  My coworker mentioned me to her cousin the next day and texted me to see if I was potentially okay with her sharing my phone number with him. 

My coworker is literally the sweetest person.  She has such a bright personality and we match well on most of our beliefs.  I thought hard about it and decided that her cousin couldn’t be that bad if he had such a good recommendation from an awesome person.  She sent him my number and about an hour later he texted me. 

That was a long way to get to the heart of my message.  I’m there now, I promise.  My coworker’s cousin and I got married exactly one month from the date I started writing these words.  I’m still looking at the set of nails I got done for the occasion… it’s rough, I don’t know how to remove full sets easily, haha!

Anyways, the heart of my message is this: Face the unknown. 

I was so close from missing out on such a beautiful future because of one statement my coworker made.  Three kids with three women.  Don’t get me wrong, that statement can be a red flag, but who am I to judge on words alone?  On paper, I have been divorced, have a child from a relationship that was not my first marriage, and have a few other failed relationship attempts.  None of that sounds great, the only difference is that it sounds less intimidating because I have two less children.  I’m not screaming “green flag” by any means though. 

I think everyone should be cautious when considering relationship partners.  I think everyone is valid in whatever expectations they have for a potential partner.  You absolutely need to be mindful of what being with a person who already has children may entail.  My continued point is, it doesn’t hurt to explore your options, even ones that make you initially think “no thanks.”  (I highly recommend considering your referral source, not everyone is looking out for your best interests and may not be a good judge of character)

No one can guarantee that a relationship will work out, but if you’re open to learning about a person, they may surprise you.  In my situation, my coworker, now family, happened to be right in thinking we would be good together.  My husband is the most patient and kind man I’ve known, outside of my grandfather.  His communication skills are impressive.  I’ve never communicated so effectively and compassionately with a man in my life.  It’s been shocking and lovely to see the thought and care behind how he communicates with me.  I’m not going to say it’s been perfect, but it’s the effort that matters most.  He genuinely cares about healthy communication and I’m eternally grateful.

This man is truly my best friend.  I know I’ve written about him before and said lots of nice things, but I wanted to sprinkle a little something about him in a blog in honor of the anniversary of the day we first communicated, the day we first met, our first date, and the day we began dating all having recently passed or are approaching.

This isn’t a love letter to my husband.  I know he’ll read this, but it’s not directly pointed at him like my original blog idea was meant to be.  I remind my husband as often as possible that he’s an amazing man, husband, and father.  He doesn’t need to read this to know that.  He also has my vows which are written down for him to read if he ever needs reminders about how I feel, if I’m not around to tell him.

While all these wonderful things about my husband are true and exciting, this blog isn’t all about him or relationships, that simply happened to be the easiest way I could bridge the topic.  Facing the unknown is hard in general.  Starting a new job.  Interviewing to even begin considering a new job.  Making friends.  Deciding whether to become parents or have more children.  Picking up a new skill you haven’t tried before.  It could be as mundane as trying a different meal at your favorite restaurant.

There is so much fear and doubt that our brains latch onto and it’s often debilitating.  There must be something we can do.  I truly don’t have all the answers.  If you’ve been reading my content for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m mostly out here winging it.  I’m trying my best and hoping it’s good enough. 

However, what I do know is that I’m talented with words.  I have the ability to put hopeful content out into the world.  I share my personal experiences with the hope that someone can relate or that my words might improve someone’s mental health or outlook on themselves. 

I’m not out here simply to boast about my sweet husband or talk about how my life is all rainbow and sunshine.  It’s not.  My husband is definitely sunshine in all the chaos and darkness we have to deal with in our lives, but it’s not easy simply because my husband has the skills and desire to communicate well.

Face the unknown!  Do the hard thing!  Believe in yourself!  Believe in others!  Take a leap of faith!  There are so many ways to share the same message.  Things may sound scary and might be risky, but they may be the very things that change your life in a positive way that you never expected. 

I know how hard it is to believe good things can happen (I literally have a blog all about that). However, I do know that things won’t change if you aren’t willing to face the unknown. You have to keep moving forward. You have to believe that good things can happen and doing new challenging things may be the only way to get to some of these good things. Finding joy has not been easy for me. There are days where I want to scream into the void and escape into some random fictional world forever. However, I know that things have the potential to improve, and I happened to be blessed by taking a chance to get to know someone that sounded outside of my comfort zone.

The state of the world right now is scary. Very little is inside our comfort zones anymore. You’re doing your best. There is no pressure, and you have to do what you feel is right for you at the end of the day. I’m simply here to remind you that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are worthy of feeling joy and loving yourself. You are worth taking chances and facing the unknown!

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I don’t want to add any cynicism to this blog, but I do highly recommend knowing yourself and considering your support.  I do not, in any way, want to imply that you shouldn’t be cautious in choosing a relationship partner simply because my relationship is going well despite my initial thoughts.  Recognize the patterns you take in relationships, go to therapy and process any trauma or unresolved issues that may impact your decision making, and recognize your worth and that you deserve to be treated with so much love and respect.  It truly isn’t hard for someone to be kind, to respect you, and to love you the way you deserve.  Relationships take work and effort, but love, kindness, and respect are literally the bare minimum a person can offer.  If you’re not getting even that, I would recommend looking at what your options are to leave the relationship or pursue healthy interventions, like therapy, to address any issues.

Don’t Have Children

I recently read a journal entry from July of 2018 where I wrote that I’m a kick ass mother. I stared at it in shock. I didn’t know that I ever felt that way about motherhood. While living in Texas, “Don’t have children” came out of my mouth so many times. I advised all the teens I worked with, those who fantasized about having children and made statements about wanting children soon, that I recommend they reconsider. When my sister and her husband were talking about having children, I looked at her, with my eyes big with seriousness, and told her not to do it. (She just gave birth to her second child, so she didn’t listen, haha!) I joked often about how I would return my son if I could.

In July of 2018, I still had hope. There were a few complications, but I hoped at some point in the future, my son, his father, and I would all be together and live happily ever after. I ended that relationship sometime in 2019.

Days passed, and the stress of single motherhood continued to take its toll. Being everything for my little human with no in person family support sucked. My son started to have behavioral challenges that I couldn’t figure out how to manage easily. Work obligations and the pressure of having to make recommendations on the outcome of a person’s life ate away at my internal strength and positivity. I felt trapped at my job. I needed the money to ensure my son was taken care of despite it not being what I wanted to do long term.

I started therapy shortly after ending the relationship with my son’s father. I told my therapist the honest truth. I wanted to be Henry’s mom, but I didn’t want to be a mom at that time. I wished I could have had Henry at a different time. I wished I could have had Henry with a different man. I wished I could have had Henry with a committed partner in a marriage. I wished I could have had Henry after I finished my master’s degree and had my dream job.

I want to take a moment to thank my therapist. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what my life would look like right now. I was scared to be honest with someone about not enjoying being a mother. I never saw one ounce of judgement from my therapist. The validation and commitment to help me through that time of my life was remarkable. I’m grateful he saw the whole picture and helped me see that, while I am a mother, motherhood is not my entire identity and it doesn’t have to be.

The fact at that time was that I had Henry, and I had to show up for him. He’s a phenomenal child and didn’t deserve to have any unnecessary issues in his life because I made a choice to bring him into the world when I did.

I continued in therapy up to the time that I moved in 2024. I got my son to all appointments he needed to help address his needs. I read books and sought out evidence based research to help change any behaviors of mine that may have been negatively impacting my son.

After I moved, I found a less stressful job. Henry’s behaviors improved. I had family support again. I felt so much ease in parenting when I wasn’t totally alone anymore. Things were looking up!

A little under a year ago, my coworker introduced me to her cousin. Honestly, when she told me about him, I said I’m not interested based on the fact that he had three children.

The idea of being even a part time caregiver/parent figure to three other children terrified me after the struggles I went through navigating motherhood with one child.

Also, I had a stepmother growing up, and I don’t really have any positive memories of my time with her. She would tell people that I’m my siblings’ step sister instead of their half sister. That hurt my entire soul. It felt like she never wanted to claim me in any type of motherly way.

I never wanted to be a stepmom because I didn’t have any good memories with mine. I’m not out here trying to bash her. She’s married to my dad, and now that I’m an adult and recognize how terrible he can be, I think she likely did the best she knew how to do. I also know I didn’t make things easy.

Thankfully, my coworker took the chance and connected her cousin and I anyways. She’s an absolutely amazing human, so how could I not give someone a chance that she believes is a good person.

After meeting my partner’s oldest daughter, I knew my life would change forever. Hearing her amazing laugh and getting to be present for her incredible curiosity and creativity is my favorite.

It was never that I didn’t want to be a mother. It was never that I didn’t find joy in being a mother. It was simply that I lacked support.

I loved so many kids during my time as a Child Protective Services (CPS) caseworker. I would have done anything to help those children live the lives they deserve to live. I knew humans are capable of loving so many people after being a part of so many children’s lives. While love doesn’t necessarily always mean a person is capable of parenting children, I know that I am.

I am a kick ass mother. Thankfully, I have my momma around. I am in a beautiful relationship with a man I almost never met because of my fear. My partner’s family is incredible. I have an amazing church family. I have best friends in the area, that I’ve been friends with since middle school, that I know I can count on. I have the support every mother deserves to have when they’re raising a child or multiple children. I’m not saying that a relationship is necessary, but in my case it has been a beautiful bonus. Support can come in many ways.

I don’t want to down play the support I had in Texas. So many people stepped up for me and I’ll be eternally grateful for those people. Find the people that make parenthood a little easier regardless if they’re family or not! Generally you’ll find people that feel like family even if they’re not blood relatives.

I’ve now met my partner’s other two children. One lives with us full time. It’s been amazing getting to know all three precious extensions of my partner’s heart.

Being in a parent role to a child you didn’t birth is such a new experience. It’s different than being a supportive person or a caseworker. You want to make sure you help them grow to be kind adults. You want to make sure they have everything they need to thrive in life. While you want these things for all kids, you’re the starting point for your child as a parent, where you’re not as a support person. I’m grateful to be a part of my partner’s children’s lives.

I’m also now experiencing my son interacting with his father’s partner.

When I ended the relationship with my son’s father, I knew he would likely have another mother figure in his life at some point. In Texas, it was easy to ignore when he began a new relationship. We lived so far and his father and his father’s partner never visited. The first time my son went to his father’s house when we were visiting Kentucky, I had not yet met his father’s partner. I had a lot of negative thoughts but never voiced them because my emotions don’t really matter when it comes to my son’s relationship with his father. I never want my son to feel I prevented him from having a relationship with his dad.

Since moving back, my son has spent more time with his father and his father’s partner. We went to Walmart prior to Mother’s Day to finish up shopping for the mothers in our lives. My partner and I were helping his oldest daughter pick out gifts for her mother and Henry said, “You know who is a mom?”

He said his father’s partner’s name and asked to get her gifts. I said “That’s a fantastic idea! She will love that!” I let him pick out what he wanted for her. I felt a little weird about it because some of the gifts he wanted, based on his still developing reading skills, were gifts that I didn’t feel suited their relationship. When you see your child point out something that says, “Best Mom Ever,” and that gift isn’t going to you, it is weird. I’m not going to sit here and say I wasn’t a little uncomfortable, but I tried my best to not show it.

I will do whatever I can to help facilitate my son’s relationship with his father and his father’s partner. If someone is willing to show my child love, who am I to try and interfere? His father’s partner has been nothing but kind to my son and I’m grateful he enjoys being in their home. What more could a parent want then for their child to feel safe and loved everywhere they go?

There are so many aspects of parenting that you may not think about until you’re experiencing whatever it is in the moment. You typically don’t think about coparenting when you’re happily in a relationship. You don’t think about being a single parent until you find yourself in that situation. You don’t think about being a step parent. You don’t think about yourself watching your child go spend time with their other parent and the parent’s partner.

I currently find myself in a parenting role I didn’t expect eight years ago when I began working at CPS. I’m in the process of attempting to gain permanent custody of a child I happened to be a caseworker for during my time at CPS. I can’t predict the future but when you hear your kid say “I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for you,” all I can say is that this child will always have a place in my heart regardless of the legal status.

Going from being a parent who wished in the past that she could go back and not be a parent at the time I did, to now being a parent/bonus parent/parent figure to five children is wild.

I don’t think anything could make me feel any more trusting of God’s timing than this. I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I’m grateful He trusts me to play a role in these children’s lives!

I still think back on what I suggested to the children I worked with, my friends considering children, and my own sister.

I don’t necessarily disagree with what I said, but I definitely lean more now on trusting God’s timing. I still recommend truly considering your circumstances, the competence of your partner in a parenting role, and whether you feel mentally ready to be a parent before you make that choice.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard when you’re experiencing depression to see an outcome that goes well. Postpartum depression is also a common diagnosis for mothers. It’s okay to not always be one hundred percent confident or happy in parenthood. It’s okay to struggle and wish things could be different.

I highly suggest seeking support. If you’re feeling this way, you likely need more support. I will always recommend additional support for anyone struggling. Whether it is more time spent with friends, more time spent with family, counseling support, medication management, or anything else to help address your needs, it’s okay. You deserve support and you are valid in asking for it.

Parenting isn’t easy even with the best support. God trusted you to be a part of a child’s life, regardless of however it is that you are a part of that child’s life. Trust that God knows what He is doing and give yourself some grace.

Juneteenth

I started recording a video with the thought that society makes me so angry, and I wish people could see all the wrong that is happening.

(Video posted to my Instagram on 6/19/25 @ authorarielpierce)

The fact is, people can see it.

I didn’t have a script planned out when I started the video, I just started talking. I cut it off because I realized I said what I needed to say.

People in my community growing up didn’t prioritize Black history. People in my community growing up didn’t care about Black people. I was taught to not be mean to Black people but to definitely not date/marry them because life would be hard for me and any children that might come from that relationship.

I said what I said in my video without fully knowing the wording in which it would come out. “Nobody’s looking.” That’s the reality of my childhood. No one I knew was out in my community building connections to Black people, no one was out trying to learn and understand Black history, no one cared about how Black people were treated in history, how they were treated at that time, or how they might be treated in the future.

Honestly, I live back in that same community now as a 32 year old with a Black child. I’d be hard pressed to say that things have changed.

I get angry about the government daily. I get angry about how people truly think President Trump is making good choices. I get angry everyday thinking that people don’t see all the racism rampant in our society.

The reality is, they see it. They know it’s out there. They just don’t care. And let me be clear, when I say they, I mean White people.

White people are perfectly happy feigning ignorance. They’re perfectly happy justifying their actions behind their twisted interpretations of biblical scripture. They’re not voting the way that prioritizes the wellbeing of humans in general because they don’t care.

I see video after video of people explaining, with research and evidence, all the reasons the political climate is racist and just plain evil, and White people don’t care.

If something makes a White person uncomfortable, they’re going to avoid it. They’re going to pretend it doesn’t exist. They’re going to call the people making them uncomfortable the problem instead of taking accountability.

It wouldn’t matter if my video went into the history of Juneteenth. It wouldn’t matter if my video explained all the terrible things people have said and done to harm Black people. It wouldn’t matter to the White people in my community if my video went into detail about the things people have said about my Black child or his Black father.

White people will find a way to justify their actions because they don’t care what happens to others. If they did, they’d prove it. If they did, They wouldn’t stay silent. If they did, their circles wouldn’t only be filled with people that look like them. If they did, they wouldn’t be trying to prevent Black history from being taught. If they did, they’d vote for people advocating for change and actually supporting Black people.

I end the video saying that I’m failing my child. I am. The fact that I didn’t know what Juneteenth was until a month before I found out I was pregnant is embarrassing. I have so much more work to do regarding parenting a Black child. The fact that I don’t know Black history the way that my Black child deserves is unfair to my child.

I don’t want to post videos begging for people to see the evil. I’m not even going to try. I know that White people see it. I’m not going to beg people to care when it shouldn’t require begging to be a decent human.

Black history is important and I wanted that to be clear on my platform. Trying to pretend like slavery didn’t happen or that racism is long gone is pathetic and cruel. No matter how much this political administration tries, you cannot erase Black history. If you voted for this monster, you’re complacent in what is happening and if that statement makes you uncomfortable, good.