I have this idea in my head that I’ve had since around 2014. It’s not one I ever thought I would have because I never thought I would be divorced. I convinced myself at a young age that my first husband would be my first and only everything. I thought I hit the jackpot when I met a man at the age of 18. I had a boyfriend or two in high school, but I mostly was a nice, goody two shoes, single nerd. When I went to college, I somehow started getting attention I never imagined. I dated a man or two and then during December of 2010, I met my soon to be husband.
The purpose of this blog isn’t to go into the details of why that relationship failed. I don’t even remember all the reasons, honestly. Getting divorced led me to the idea I mentioned. Quite a few people I knew back around 2014 were getting married. I saw post after post stating something along the lines of “Divorce is never an option!” I HATED seeing this. The bitterness inside me resented these people that had never experienced a relationship they needed to escape.
I knew at that time that I wanted to create a project. I started writing up concepts for a book I hoped to call “Divorce IS an option.” (Please don’t steal my idea, but if you do, put my name somewhere at least.) Divorce is and always will be an option. It should be an option. You should absolutely go into marriage with the thought that you might get divorced. Everyone should have boundaries that, if crossed, will result in a divorce.
For me, if you hit me, I’m gonna bounce. If you abuse my children, we’re gone. If you cheat on me, I have no interest in making things work. There’s a few more, but you get the gist.
I would like to interview those who have gone through divorces and explore the reasons that led each couple to get divorced. Ideally, I would get both sides. Not that anyone should have to justify their choices, but it’s important to put out in the world that divorce is not something that should be shamed. Divorce is a valid option and should be discussed thoroughly before marriage about what might lead one to make that choice.
The other part about this book concept that I would like to consider is about love. I look back at the people I’ve told “I love you” over the years, and I wonder if I really did or if it was more of an obligation or expectation. I remember saying the words over MSN messenger to, what I consider, my first real boyfriend. I’ve said the words to five men since then.
I feel like maybe I have loved them all. I’ve always been one to show love to everyone around me. I never want anyone to feel left out or like no one cares about them. I always befriended the quiet kids, the kids that were bullied, or the straight up strange kids. They were all typically pretty legit people. I post all the time in my blogs how I love everyone that reads these blogs. I genuinely want people to feel loved.
So, maybe I have loved these past romantic interests. However, I don’t think it should have gone past me being kind to them as people. I saw red flags in four of the five men I previously mentioned immediately.
The one I married kicked a chair down in the middle of a college dance when I refused to let him give me a lap dance in front of everyone. He also referred to me as Ms. Claus when referencing my weight. My baby daddy would never make time for me when we first dated. This didn’t change when I was pregnant or when I gave birth to his child. One man said I was too complicated to date but continued to spend time with me in a “friends with benefits” type of way. The last one literally had a confederate flag in his apartment, and I let that pass because he said he only had it to make his parents happy.
Y’all. I literally made some seriously questionable choices back in the day. Why did I let any of these things slide? I’ll tell you why. Please forgive me for my language, but loneliness is a bitch. I ignored all these red flags because I hated being alone. I liked having someone around. Sometimes, they weren’t terrible. I know I have good memories with all of them. Kinda okay was better than being alone.
Nope, it’s not. Being alone is wonderful compared to living with someone who treats you like you’re nothing, who insults you, who hits you, who ignores you for the fun of it. Even if they sprinkle a few good times in, it’s not enough to deal with the nonsense. Y’all truly don’t have to suffer because you’re scared of being alone. I recommend getting out when you start to see those red flags that you probably wouldn’t ignore if you weren’t worried about being alone.
Loneliness sucks. I get it. We’re not meant to be doing this life alone. Hopefully you have a semi decent family. If not, find some friends that you can spend time with to try and block out the loneliness while you wait for the right person to come into your life.
When I think about love, I think about what a person says when they’re asked what they love about their partner. Do they mention qualities about their partner, or do they mention what their partner does for them. So, basically, do you hear “I love their humor” or do you hear “I love that they make me laugh. Do you hear, “I love how thoughtful they are,” or do you hear, “I love that they buy me flowers.” If you hear actual qualities about someone’s partner, I feel like that’s a good sign that they genuinely love their partner. If you hear the word “me” in their responses that seems, to me, like a sign they love what their partner can do for them rather than loving their partner as a person.
Y’all aren’t going to believe this, but I am a girlfriend to someone! After complaining about being single for so long, it feels shocking to say. I still don’t believe it some days. Guess what? I’ve said “I love you” to this man. He’s beautiful inside and out. He looks at me the way I’ve always wanted to be looked at. In past relationships I always felt that I was looked at as something broken, like I was too weird, too much, and too hard to love. He looks at me like I’m delightful, like I’m perfect, and easy to love.
I haven’t seen the red flags. I know if you asked his past partners, I’m sure they will tell me all kinds of things about him. Three of the four past men that I’ve mentioned appear to be in healthy relationships despite treating me like they did. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. I can’t speak about what anyone has done in their past. All I can speak about is what I see now. I see a kind man, a man who cares so deeply about those he loves, a humorous goofball, a wildly intelligent and creative man.
I’m hopeful we will continue a path of building love for each other. I may have gotten off track a little but, I mentioned my relationship status to show that I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m excited to continue learning about love, how to receive love, and how to show love the way my partner deserves. Love is complicated. I’ve said the words in the past and looking back I feel like I only did it out of loneliness and a want to feel loved in return. Now, I’ve had so much time to evaluate what I’m looking for and I have no interest in tolerating what I have before.
I’m hopeful I can use my experience with love and relationships and write something in the future more in depth than a short blog to impact people and their relationships. I want people to be looked at by their partners like mine looks at me. I want them to feel so much love because they genuinely thought through and evaluated their boundaries and found someone who can show them the love they deserve.
Have conversations early on about what you expect out of a partner. I’ve been clear in my current relationship about what I need and what I expect, and I feel like it has only helped us. I know I haven’t been in a healthy relationship for very long, but I still feel like my past relationship experiences have shaped me to be someone who can speak to what a healthy relationship should look like.
I love speaking to people who have been in relationships for a long period of time. Both sets of my grandparents made it 50+ years. It’s incredible to find someone you love so deeply that you want to be with them for so long. However, a long relationship doesn’t mean a healthy relationship, so don’t get it twisted. Relationships take work.
I love love and I love writing about love. I think I will probably continue to speak on relationships in my blog and hopefully open the door to completing the book idea I’ve dreamed of writing for so long.
Thank y’all for taking the time to read my words! I hope a healthy and beautiful love has found or finds you! We all deserve to be loved for the amazing, unique, wonderful people we are.
Ariel Pierce 