I’m Not Wearing Any Clothes

If you watched Inside Out 2, then you are familiar with watching anxiety take over a person’s body. It’s a pretty decent look into what happens when someone struggles with anxiety.

Most everyone has experienced the feeling of anxiety. Most everyone has experienced those feelings before some type of important event, or when you’re worried about something serious in your life or the life of someone you care about.

The problem with anxiety becomes when it’s literally impacting your functioning.

I started journaling today because I was feeling anxious. If you’ve read any of my content or seen my social media content, it’s clear that I journal when I’m anxious. I didn’t really know why I felt anxious when I started the page, but I felt it.

Another reason I started writing is because I had one of my typical anxiety dreams. When I’m feeling anxious, I tend to have this dream about going somewhere important, and I’m not wearing any clothes.

I’m not the type of person that is confident in their body and would be found happily strolling around in the nude. Also, you can’t really do that in most places, so it wouldn’t matter how I felt about my body.

Anyways, I hate having this dream. It makes my skin crawl, and I feel nauseous for a bit when I’m able to rip myself out of the dream.

I know it’s a silly theme that has played out in different entertainment mediums over the years. I don’t know why my brain feels like this annoying form of torture is something that I need to experience.

The only positive thing about this dream is that I then know that something is off with me, and I can try to pinpoint what it is that might be making me feel the way that I am.

I’m not certain it’s important for anyone reading this to know what is bothering me, I mostly want to comment on anxiety as a concept. Anxiety literally consumes me some days. I struggle to breathe. My hands can’t keep still and try to find any means of keeping them busy, usually resulting in me picking at my fingers or flipping my bracelets over and over. My brain will form every irrational thought it can come up with.

A lot of the things that contribute to my anxiety are based on the life I lived in Texas the last 11 years.

Coming up with meals makes me want to cry.

The fitted sheet popping off a corner makes me to want to run away.

I know there are more random things that seem so trivial, but these are the two that are coming to my head right now that I’ll work with to get my point across.

Coming up with at least two meals a day to feed me and my child was a nightmare for me in Texas. I came home every day from an insanely stressful job, and the last thing I wanted to do was figure out what to feed us. Cooking took too long and too much energy. Healthy choices always sounded terrible, but necessary, which contributed to a battle in my head.

The fitted sheet thing is like having your belt loop get stuck on something or dropping your keys when you’re at your wits end, and you feel like you’re about to lose it any second. The sheet thing happened to me so many times when I felt like everything was terrible, and I would lay there and cry and end up ignoring it for days.

Trivial things become mountains. I feel like I stress my mom out constantly with these random trivial things. I know she worries about me when I try to explain that something that seems small isn’t something I can do at a given moment.

I’m currently having to learn how to manage my anxiety while in a relationship. My partner has learned me very quickly. It’s annoying that I can’t hide it as well as I think I can… It’s really not annoying at all. I love his perceptive abilities and the fact that he actually cares when he asks what is going on with me.

I don’t want to seem crazy when my brain is coming up with irritating thoughts so saying nothing is wrong or I’m okay are my go to responses.

He knows when those answers are false and reminds me that it’s hard to be there for me if I’m not being honest. I’ve tried to be better about telling him what is going on or at least saying I’m not fully sure. We’ve been able to talk things out and generally, if I didn’t already know, I figure out what is going on.

Having a kind and caring mother and partner has helped ease a lot of my anxieties, but if you’re like I was for so many years, you may be alone dealing with anxiety.

I wish I had all the answers. I haven’t totally figured things out, and what I have, I didn’t figure out on my own. I sought out therapy. I journaled. I called my mom every day. I tried to do things that brought me joy.

The issue of my past is that I was also struggling with depression. I think sometimes my anxiety is related to fearing that something might drag me back down into the darkness I felt for so long. I’ve been feeling so much joy, and I don’t want to lose it.

As I’ve been writing, I’ve decided maybe it is important to bear as much as I can.

As I’m writing this, I’m cognizant of the fact that tomorrow is my grandpa’s birthday. Last year on his birthday, I saw him in a bad state and that image will never be able to leave my brain. He passed six days later.

My brother moved to another state about a week ago. I know I lived in another state for 11 years and rarely saw him, but after moving back to our home state, I loved knowing how close he was even though the visits were still not super common.

My son continues to struggle with some concerning behaviors, while not as severe as in the past, still bring me anxiety. Anxiety tries to convince me that I was/am a terrible mother.

Being in a newer relationship also brings with it anxiety. It’s not in the sense that he’s doing anything of concern, but now anything that bothers him, bothers me. I want to fix everything for him and I know I can’t always do that for a number of reasons.

I’m fairly new at my job as I’m still in my six month probation period. I worry that I’m not doing enough or that I won’t be able to help people the way they deserve.

My child’s other parent makes me feel a little insane at times. It’s even more frustrating when you feel like things were moving in a positive direction and then they do something to kick your feet out from under you.

A kiddo I care about in Texas is dealing with so much trauma and the failures of a system, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. I wish I had more means to support them the way they deserve.

I’m also constantly thinking about how to be the most impactful with my words. I fear I’m not talented enough or that I’ll never reach a larger audience. Will I ever finish my novel?

I didn’t intend to make this a journal entry for me processing my anxiety. I mostly wanted to put it out there that anxiety is frustrating. I wanted to open a conversation about how to manage it and maybe help someone realize they’re not the only one dealing with this issue.

Whether anxiety presents in your dreams, is a physical sensation in your body, or occupies your brain without hiding, it’s something you shouldn’t ignore.

Write about it. Talk about it. Don’t hide it. While the thoughts may be irrational, and you generally know that, they’re still your thoughts, and talking about them is your best bet.

If someone makes you feel bad for how your brain functions, that is a them problem. You can try to talk to them about it and work to figure out how you can move towards healthy conversations in the future. You can also evaluate their role in your life and if they are able to help you move towards healthy choices and happiness.

Try to take time to think about positive aspects of your life. In the time between when I started writing this blog and now, someone at my office bought everyone coffee (I got hot chocolate), my mom checked in with me on how I’m doing, and my partner texted with a plan for dinner. The physical sensation I was feeling, related to anxiety, is mostly gone now. It’s amazing what writing, having a healthy support system, and focusing on the positive aspects of life can do for you!

If you’re reading this, you’re an amazing human. Remind someone, who may not read this, that they’re an amazing human! You would be surprised at how a little kindness can change someone’s entire day. Be kind to yourself as well.

I love all you beautiful humans!