What If I Never Love Again?

LOVE blog number three of February 2025! I hope you’ve been able to check out the other two published so far!  If not, check them out!  They’re all important in different ways. 

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Hopefully you have had the experience of listening to Adele’s music. I enjoy it. I’m not a super fan or anything, but I’ve definitely belted out song after song of hers in the car when I’m alone. I recommend her music if you are looking for songs that let you test out your chops.

One of her songs that impacted me when I lived in Texas was “All I Ask.” I don’t remember what event had me feeling dramatic, where I lived, or how old I was, but I remember feeling attached to the lyrics in this song.

The song came on one day while in the car with my current partner when we had music on shuffle. I hadn’t heard the song in years, but my lovely brain remembered every word of it, and you best believe I sang it as loud as possible. Regardless of my attachment to the song, it’s a fun one to sing.

When I began brainstorming ideas for this short series of love blogs, this song came to mind.

I’ll explain why in a bit. I’m going to get a little personal in this blog. I’m slightly embarrassed by my choices. I’m going to share more than I have because I want my experiences to help prevent others from making similar choices. I know we tend to need to experience things for ourselves, but after working with so many young people during my time at CPS, I know how important it truly is to help youth learn what healthy love looks like as early as possible.

I’ve touched on my past relationships in a few blogs here and there. Let me give you a run down.

1. Dated my son’s father a bit my freshman year of college during my first semester. We broke up the same semester.
2. Met my ex-husband freshman year as well and married him seven months later. We divorced about four years after that.
3. A small fling with my son’s father again, but I ended it because it was too soon after my split from my ex-husband.
4. Ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation with a friend from college because he didn’t want to officially date until I was legally divorced. Eventually cut that off.
5. Dated a guy for two years. We broke up in early 2017.
6. Reconnected with my son’s father and had my son about a year later.
7. Reconnected with friend from number four about a year after ending things with my son’s father officially. We dated briefly.
8. Mostly single from 2021-2024. Dabbled in online dating but nothing serious came of it.
9. Met my current partner on the last day of August in 2024.

I’ve dreamt about being in love for as long as I can remember.  I wanted a long marriage like both sets of my grandparents.  I wanted to be hanging out in a recliner next to my husband in his own recliner when we’re in our 70s like my grandparents did so often.  It seemed like a great plan. ​

I honestly don’t know what it took for them to achieve so many years of marriage.  I’ve seen both sets bicker here and there.  My mom reports her parents argued when she was younger.  I honestly have never asked my dad’s parents about their relationship.  I was too young to think about it that deeply, when I would see them, and since becoming an adult, I have only been able to manage a couple of trips and their relationship hasn’t come up.  Our phone calls are generally about catching up and I haven’t thought to get too deep.

I guess, while growing up, I just felt like they loved each other.  I saw little signs of love from both sets when I would visit.  As an adult, when I began to navigate relationships, all I knew was that I wanted to be married for a long time like my grandparents. 

In high school, I remember being hurt quite a few times when a boy I had a crush on would suddenly reveal to me that they had a crush on my best friend.  She was and still is gorgeous, but at the time it made me super salty.  It happened at least four times, so that definitely impacted teenage Ariel’s self-confidence.  I had two boyfriends during my time in high school but it did not get that deep. 

I got to college never having kissed anyone.  It bothered me a little because so many of my friends had already had their first kiss and many more after that… One friend had a baby before I kissed anyone.  I felt behind. 

I remember thinking it would be so cool to end up with the first person I kissed.  I started getting more attention in college and that surprised me to no end.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and fairly quickly ended up achieving a first kiss.  I also realized quickly that I would not be ending up with the first person I kissed.  The second person I kissed seemed more positive.  That ended about two months in.  The third person happened to be the person I ended up marrying. 

I grew attached quickly to all three of the men I just mentioned because I hadn’t ever experienced attention before.  I hadn’t experienced anyone wanting to kiss me or anyone who didn’t reveal they would rather date my friend.  When man three asked me to marry him, I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea.  Less than a year into adulthood, I found the man I would get to spend the rest of my life with!  18-year-old Ariel had such high hopes. 

It did not take long into our relationship and marriage to realize that we both had issues.  We both had no clue what it meant to be married.  We both knew very little about love.  There were so many outside factors that shoved their way into our relationship.  We did not have any sort of foundation to help maintain us outside of knowing that I had two sets of grandparents that had been married for a long time. 

Getting divorced broke me in a way that I can’t explain.  He was the first person that I shared my body with.  I shared so many firsts with him and knowing that my dream of only being married to one person during my life was gone, I couldn’t recover mentally. 

I had that brokenness with me in every interaction with a man I’ve been interested in since.  I took the trauma that I experienced in that relationship and let it cling to me for over a decade.  I tried to be whatever anyone wanted of me in future relationships.  I did everything humanly possible to make relationships work that had no business even beginning.  I made excuses for controlling behavior.  I made excuses for them not managing their mental health.  I forgave lies.  I hid my pregnancy and my child for almost a year and a half after his birth because his father asked me to.  I considered cutting off my child’s father because someone asked me to.  I went on a first “date” with a person I met on a dating app who literally asked me to come to their home instead of a restaurant or something. 

I did all these things because… What if I never love again?

Do you see what I did there?  I’ve made it back around to Adele.  I internalized her lyrics years ago and made choices because I was scared I would be alone forever.  I circled back to my husband, my child’s father, and a college friend many more times than I should have because they felt safer than being alone.  At least I knew what I was dealing with.  When I started trying to experiment with online dating, I accepted the bare minimum because I was tired of being alone. 

I convinced myself that being alone was the problem.  I convinced myself that my life would be better just as long as I had a partner.  It didn’t even matter how they treated me at that point.  I became so desperate.  Thank God I had my therapist.  He’s the only reason my decisions didn’t get more questionable, and man, were they questionable.  

An intention with this blog is to help others avoid questionable decisions.  I made a post on Facebook back in the day about wanting to make my own decisions and basically didn’t care about advice.  I was trying to justify getting divorced and moving on and was bitter about anyone that questioned my choices. 

It seems that it’s a human nature thing to not take advice.  We generally do whatever we want and learn from our mistakes.  I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing in its entirety.  However, looking back, I wish I had more examples, knowledge, and support when it came to understanding relationships and love.

After working with children and youth through the child welfare system for seven years, I understand the value of trying to ensure they learn what healthy love looks like.  Many of the children in the welfare system never see healthy familial love and that’s a major factor in what leads to them not understanding healthy love in romantic relationships.

For the sake of this not boring people to death, I want to make a few important statements as I’m not certain how much more I will write.  Hopefully I haven’t lost people already due to the length. 

• It’s okay to be alone. 
• It’s okay if you don’t find a romantic partner. 
• Being with someone will not fix all the issues in your life.
• Your mental health is more important than being in a relationship.
• You don’t have to tolerate abuse.

I’m not an expert.  I don’t have any research links in the blogs I’ve posted so far.  I’m simply speaking off of my personal experience and personal thoughts.  I know it’s easy for a person to make those statements.  It’s definitely not as easy living them.  Life gets lonely.  It’s truly hard to be alone. 

I haven’t said much about love at this point.  I’ve shared my personal experiences to show that I understand what it’s like to navigate relationships and have made choices that hurt me in the long run.  Another intention of this blog is to lead people to understand healthy love.

I was listening to my favorite radio station, K-LOVE, and heard them quote a well-known Bible verse related to love.  I don’t recall which version of the Bible they used but it’s in 1 Corinthians.  It’s chapter 13 and verses four through seven.  The New International Version has it quoted as: “4. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I have done a bit of research on love over the years.  I’ve tried to figure out if I loved someone or if someone loved me.  These Bible verses are as good as anything I’ve seen out there to help a person understand if they are showing or being shown love. 

I think I convinced myself that I loved my previous partners because I tried to show them kindness.  I tried to do as much as I could to make their lives better.  I didn’t point out things that bothered me to try and keep peace.  I think I tried to meet this Biblical definition.  However, I try to meet this definition with most people.  The issue is, I didn’t trust any of these men.  I doubted them constantly.  I kept a record of wrong inside my heart even though I didn’t always say it to them.  Sure, they gave me consistent reasons to feel this way, but that’s not really the point.  I knew inside that the relationships weren’t right, but I kept pushing for the sake of having someone. 

Here are a few ways I feel that you can show someone love in a romantic relationship:

1. Communicate
   • Ask about your partner’s day.
   • Talk with them about anything that’s bothering you.
   • Take turns when addressing issues and ensure each person feels heard.
   • Tell them things you appreciate about them.
   • Tell them things you love about them and make them personal, not about you.
   • Express what you need, don’t expect your partner to know.
   • Share all your thoughts, even if YOU know they’re irrational.
   • Prioritize emotion check ins because life can be distracting.
2. Random
   • Show genuine interest in your partner’s interests.
   • Go on adventures together.
   • Prioritize physical intimacy at a level that’s comfortable for each person.
   • Pray together.
   • Go to church together.
   • Prioritize spending time with each person’s family.
   • Cook for and with your partner when you can.
   • Prioritize time with friends, alone and together.

I truly enjoy The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Learn about them.  Read the book.  Take the quiz.  Talk about it as partners and show your partner love the way they need to receive it. 

I fear I could go on forever.  I want people to love themselves, which is why I posted my second blog.  I also want people to understand healthy love, which is why I’m posting this one.  The priority is to understand that you should be loved simply for existing.  God loves you just as you are.  It’s not always that simple with humans, but you should be loved simply for existing by humans as well.  Don’t seek out or stay in a relationship for fear of being alone.  Learn how to love yourself, how to show others love, and be patient in finding the person you want to show love to through a romantic relationship.

There’s so much nuance to love, but I want to make one thing clear, a person that loves you will never hit you.  A person that loves you will never get joy out of making you feel small.  I can’t say that people won’t change, but you don’t have to stick around through abuse to wait and find out.  You don’t have to stay with someone out of fear of being permanently alone.  I can’t promise you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve, but it is possible.  I didn’t always listen to my therapist when he said things, but when he told me to love myself first, I should have trusted him.  Love yourself, and hopefully healthy love will find its way to you!

Being a human is hard, but you’re doing great!  I love all you beautiful people!  Thank you to anyone who makes it this far!