ATTENTION, ATTENTION

I’m literally writing this because I want attention. I want people to read my words. I want people to validate me as a writer. I want people to tell me I’m talented. I want people to share with their friends and family to make me go viral. I’m begging for attention. Please pay attention to me.

My partner discussed with me a book that helped change his life. The book is called, The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. He thought it would be cool if I read it too. I started reading it, and I think it’s starting to change my life as well. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve picked it up. I’ve been trying to catch up on my book club books, so I’ve neglected finishing it. Regardless, what I’ve read so far has started to change me.

On the cover of the book, it has a subtitle stating: “Living free from the deadly trap of offense.” What is offense you ask?

What if I said, “Ugh, people are so easily offended nowadays, you can’t say anything anymore.”

Do you understand now? Basically, it’s whatever offends you. People say that statement all the time to try and make others feel bad about standing up for themselves.

I’m going to preface anything I say further by stating I will not tolerate racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobia, etc.. I will always recommend standing up and addressing those types of behaviors immediately. No one has the right to try to make you addressing these types of behaviors seem trivial or like it’s “only a joke.”

The offense in the book is a little different. It’s about the things we let eat away at us. It’s the family trauma we’ve had to deal with. It’s the dumb things our coworkers may have said or done. It’s the things we hold on to and let become a part of us.

Let me explain a little more.

1. A coworker I had in the past made a choice that angered me for the longest. They apologized to me and I straight up said, “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t accept your apology.” I thought so many negative thoughts about that person, and was grateful when they ended up quitting. I wrote so many emails to prove how I was right and they were wrong. I filed a formal complaint about their behavior. I told everyone that wanted to listen how their actions were unacceptable and how much they had wronged me.

2. My child’s father makes choices that anger me. I have made Facebook posts commenting on how he’s a crappy father. I’ve messaged his family screenshots with evidence to his poor parenting choices. I’ve messaged his partner to attempt to explain how poor his relationship is with his child. I’ve used curse words and said mean things in past communication because he did it.

3. My ex husband made choices that inspired a book idea I wanted to write to ensure no one else stayed in a relationship like ours. I wanted people to know that I was justified in divorcing him.

4. My dad made choices that resulted in me blocking him about three years ago. I’ve said in conversations with many people how terrible of a person he is.

In all four of these situations, I made choices with the thought that I was justified because they did something terrible to me first. I justified everything I have done because they were wrong, and I’m simply an innocent person who has been wronged.

The book I mentioned kinda checked me and pointed out how my choices are actually hurting me. I’m living with these feelings of offense. I was offended, so I think I need to defend myself.

Living with all these things that hurt me and trying to hurt them back, while maybe not as literal or serious, is still only hurting myself.

Here’s what I’ve gotten out of each of the situations, making the choices I’ve made:

1. I got a reprimand because my employer thought I was trying to retaliate. The action that my coworker made was not reversed. I had to switch units and a few of my other coworkers stopped communicating with me.
2. Literally nothing. He’s still making the same choices. His partner blocked me. His family rarely reaches out to our son. Nothing has changed.
3. Literally nothing. A book idea that hasn’t gone anywhere because I was writing it out of anger doesn’t do me much good.
4. Literally nothing. I think I even got taken out of his will, if the rumors are true.

We sometimes react the way we do seeking attention. We want people to validate us. We want people to say, wow, you’re so right. We want people to trash talk the person we’re mad at. We want people to feel what we’re feeling. We want people to be on our side in a conflict.

In those moments, we’re not seeking anything but something for ourselves. It doesn’t matter how our choices impact others.

If I started all of my content with something along the lines of my first paragraph, would people want to continue reading it? Probably not. They would probably start thinking that I’m annoying. They would question the quality of my work if I have to beg people to read it. They would be turned off. The same goes for the situations I mentioned and situations like it.

If I always spoke negatively of a coworker I didn’t get along with, would coworkers want to associate with me? No. People would distance themselves out of fear that I would do something to impact them should something bother me.

If I posted all the time about the type of father my son’s father is, would people think positively of me consistently? No. They’re going to start calling me bitter and start questioning what I’m doing to prevent my son’s father from being around. They’re going to assume he doesn’t want to deal with a crazy baby momma.

If I wrote a book out of anger, would people actually benefit from it? Probably not. I’m sure there would be something in it that someone would resonate with, but is it what someone actually should? Am I writing something that will help heal a person’s heart, or am I writing something that would fuel a person’s anger and to continue in their feelings however they want?

If I continue to trash talk my father, will I be able to effectively support clients that are trying to repair relationships with their children or parents? No. I’ve already felt the impact of my choices on a client I work with. They want to repair the relationships with their children, but don’t know where to begin. Inside I’m thinking their children probably have a reason to be so angry, but I know very little about their upbringing to make that assumption. The book I mentioned before has checked me on this, and I’ve at least unblocked my father even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to make contact yet.

I’ve started to make changes in my life. They’re literally some things they teach elementary school kiddos nowadays. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a poster with something along the lines of what I’m about to write.

I’ve started to say to/ask myself:

1. Your feelings are valid, but it’s not okay to be mean.
2. Is what I’m about to say/do kind?
3. Is what I’m about to say/do going to help me manage the issue effectively?
4. Would I say these words or do these things to my children?
5. Are my choices leading to healing or resentment?
6. Am I in a position mentally where I can effectively address the issue, or do I need a break/time to process?
7. If I say this/make this choice, will I look back in a day, month, or year and be proud of myself?

I know I can be petty. I know I can say creatively hurtful things when I’m mad. I know I’m intelligent and can make choices to back myself up and show that I’m technically “right.” My love for writing makes me quite capable of constructing statements that help accomplish my pettiness effectively. But, again, how is any of that helping me?

I have all this anger inside of me for people that have done me wrong, and no matter how much I can prove that they’re in the wrong, it does nothing for me to hold on to anger. Im trying to make changes so I can show my children how to communicate in a healthy way. I’m trying to make changes so my children see healthy communication between their fathers, mothers, and myself. I’m trying to make changes so anyone I encounter feels loved and like they’re important and valued as a human. Even if they decide to make a choice that’s hurtful, I don’t want to respond in the same way.

The book is so much deeper than what I’m writing. The book dives into biblical stories and other examples to help explain the concepts. I have covered the pages in my thoughts while I read. It challenges you to really think. It challenges you to do the hardest thing which is to be kind when others haven’t been kind to you.

Truly though, would you want done to your children what you do to others? If your children read the text messages you sent to their other parent, would you be proud of yourself. If your children saw how you reacted when something didn’t go your way at work, would you continue responding the same way?

If you’re responding to anything with “well, I did or said this because this person did or said this to me first,” then you might want to reevaluate your choices/actions.

I know there are situations when you have no choice but to stand up for yourself. The book tells about not keeping a record of wrong. It’s a biblical principal that to love means to keep no record of wrong.

That’s been the hardest part for me. You best believe I have been trying to keep track of all the wild things my son’s father has said to me related to parenting. I keep great track of my actions at work in case someone questions my choices. I have definitely taken a screenshot of so many things that I might need to use later on. But, like… do yall hear how crazy that sounds?

It’s sad that we have to live that way. It’s sad that relationships are so historically negative that we have to stock pile “evidence” in case we encounter an issue.

I understand needing to have documents if a person is violent or unsafe in some way. I understand the justification of so many things. I can’t say that it’s wrong to keep track of certain things, but it really does mess with your mindset. It’s such a weird feeling to always be living in defense mode.

If you saw your text messages presented in court, how would you respond to an attorney or judge? If you saw your Facebook posts in court, how would you respond? If you saw videos of you presented in court, how would you respond? How would you respond if God was there? How would you respond if your children were there?

Being a human is so hard. No one has all the answers. We’re literally all winging it. I just don’t want to hold on to anger. I don’t want to have conflict with people that I could so easily get along with if we all changed our mindsets a little.

I hope my point for this blog came across. Read the book I mentioned. Seek out advice from quality sources. Try to act with love and hopefully you’ll see positive results!

I love all you beautiful humans!

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Mom, I know you’re reading this. I love you! I’m sorry I am rude to you sometimes. I take out some of my annoyances on you because I know in five minutes we’ll likely be fine again. I shouldn’t do that. I’m going to keep trying to be better at showing you how much I love you!

Dad, if you’re reading this, I don’t really know what to say to you, honestly. I wish we had a different relationship. I have so many reasons for why I feel the way that I do regarding you. I’m not sure they matter. I don’t know that me saying them all would change anything. I would like to be able to say we have a positive relationship in the future, but I don’t know how to get there. If we don’t, just at least be kind to Marshall. He’s my best friend and he deserves the dad that you seem to be trying to be for him now.

Random coworker that I mentioned above, if you’re reading this, I accept your apology. I think I did a long time ago, but it was too late for me to tell you that. I couldn’t see it then but I think what happened was meant to happen. It opened the door for so much good, and I’m still involved in the life of the person involved in the issue. Even if it hadn’t worked out well, you didn’t deserve for me to talk so poorly about you to others. I knew then and I know now how much you want to help people, and I got caught up in my feelings and didn’t care that you’re just a human trying you’re best. I hope you’re doing well in life!

Henry’s father, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the hateful things I said to you when I was angry. I’m sorry for not being able to effectively communicate with you. I hope we can figure out how to communicate better moving forward. I’m always here to help facilitate a relationship with you and Henry. I hope for a future where he has us both always showing up for him and he knows how much he’s loved.

For the few other people I hope read this, I see you. I’m writing this to show that I’ve done the same things you’re doing. I know you have a right to feel the way you do. I get the anger and frustration. I hope for a future where you don’t have to feel those feelings so deeply every day. I hope for a future for healthy and effective communication for you and those in your life. I know it’s hard, and I know you’re trying your best. I hope you feel comfortable talking to me some day. I hope for so much love in your lives and the lives of those you love!