I’m new to navigating a healthy relationship. When you haven’t seen a consistent example in action, and none of your past relationships even came close, it’s not really a surprise.
Sometimes I sit there and wonder how this man responds so calmly when I bring up something that is bothering me.
I look at his sweet face, and all I can think about is that I don’t want to hurt him.
In most past relationships, when I would bring up something bothering me, it didn’t really do me much good. I ended up arguing with them and simply thought about how to come up with a better come back to “win” the argument.
During a conversation with my partner recently, he said “I feel like I can’t win.”
I literally said, “Let’s just go to sleep then. I don’t know what else to say.” We ended up talking a bit more and went to sleep despite still not having fully resolved the issue the way we would like.
My partner’s statement stuck with me. I don’t think he intended it the way I did when I wanted to “win” in past relationships. He was basically saying, I don’t know what to do. He stated that he was frustrated because he felt I didn’t think he was trying to address what we were discussing.
It’s not that I didn’t think he was trying, it’s that he wasn’t trying the way that I thought he should.
That thought process helped me realize I was expecting something without ever telling him everything that I was expecting.
Since we’ve been together, we’ve gone on many adventures together and typically end up doing something fishing related. This man adores fishing. He thrives outdoors. He is also talented at car repairs and likes cars in general. He’s the kind of man that likes to be moving. He’s not a sit still type of person. We’re always out and about doing something together. I’ve had an absolute blast.
When we’re out galavanting, the kids are typically able to find something entertaining to do. My hobbies typically involve sitting still for long periods of time. They’re not ideal for my partner and kids who love to be moving.
There’s not really a way to make writing and reading a fun family activity when no one else is as passionate about those activities like I am. Sitting still for long periods of time isn’t exciting when you’re a kid, even if they do happen to enjoy a book.
So, I started noticing that I wasn’t paying as much attention to my personal goals related to writing and reading. It’s easier to let my hobbies/passion get pushed to the sidelines so we can do activities as a family. It started to make me a little disappointed seeing all the red pop up on my bullet journal tracking pages.
I also started to feel a little bit like my interests weren’t as important. I honestly started getting a little salty about it. The problem is, I never once said anything. I realized it was a bigger issue than I thought when my partner said he didn’t want to swim one day when we had the opportunity to swim. Like… what do you mean you don’t want to swim? YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO (capitalized for emphasis). I definitely didn’t yell it. I just looked sad and texted it to him in a much nicer way as I got my bathing suit on in the bathroom, and he was in the other room with the kids.
He was baffled. He had no idea where that came from. I never once mentioned that I was bothered about anything. I wasn’t even specific about what that statement meant. He just thought I was upset about him not wanting to swim that day. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t want to swim, but the bigger issue was that I’d been letting my writing and reading interests be on the back burner while we went out and did random activities with the kids, that happened to typically end with us doing something fishing related.
I somehow turned it into a competition of some sorts about whose interests were more or less important. He didn’t even know we were competing. I happily suggested activities. He’d researched World’s Largest miscellaneous items and helped me cross off items on my bucket list. I literally enjoyed every minute of everything we’d done together. There wasn’t anything wrong with what we had done. He really had tried to fit in things I liked to do, it just wasn’t reading or writing related.
I wanted to fit in more writing and reading time and wasn’t communicating that effectively. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been talking to him about getting more involved in my hobbies/interests. The only specific thing I suggested he do is like my author Instagram posts.
Throughout this time, I started to see videos related to World Book Day saying something along the lines of “don’t forget to buy a book and a rose for your book lover on this date.” I sent like four to him over the period of a couple days. I knew he knew what day it was. I even had my mom casually mention it to him, haha! The day came and I didn’t get a book or a rose.
Oh, man! I was hurt. I brought it up to him and he said something along the lines of, “I stared at the books, I got overwhelmed, and didn’t know what to get you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” So, of course I’m like, JUST BUY A BOOK, HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT? (capitalized for emphasis). I didn’t say it like that, and that was the day we had the conversation I mentioned above that led me to want to write this blog.
The reality is, his hobbies are much easier when it comes to being the partner of someone with those interests. I literally show up, take pictures and videos of him, and hype him up when he catches a fish or fixes a car with a complicated issue. There’s very little effort involved. It’s the least I can do to show him love.
Buying books isn’t as easy as I make it out to be and requires much more effort from a person. Of course I can exchange a book if I already have it, but I know my partner wants to try and get me something I’m going to like and I don’t already have. There’s an overwhelmingly large amount of books to choose from. Even I have choice paralysis, and I know what I’m typically going to like and what books I have or haven’t read yet.
So, I decided I can’t be mad at him when I haven’t fully explained to him what I need related to this topic. I love this man, and I don’t want us getting frustrated with each other when we can go about things in a healthier way.
I’m no longer going to say things like, “I want you to take more of an interest in things I like.” That seems like a decent statement, but it’s actually quite vague. It doesn’t really explain what I need or how he can go about it in a way that ensures I feel loved. Vague statements are not helpful in a relationship. Something that seems obvious in your head may not be in your partners.
There’s nothing wrong with being specific. If you’re specific and things still aren’t getting better, then you may need to have more conversations. For the sake of this blog, I’m going to share with y’all the note I created for my partner in an effort to be specific and help him navigate something he’s not used to navigating. The next bit of my blog will be screenshots of the note.
My partner is incredibly thoughtful. He knows how overwhelmed I get with planning and preparing meals and cooks amazing food for our family often. He always asks about my day, sends me funny/romantic videos randomly, and genuinely seems to care about connecting with me about how I’m doing. He drives most places we go because he knows I hate driving. He enjoys shopping with me and always wants me to tag along to any random errands. I’ve never met someone who seems so excited to have me around, outside of my mother, haha! He’s a truly phenomenal person and father. There’s so many things he does that I wasn’t conveying to him because I was hyper focused on the one area that was being unintentionally neglected. Based on how he treats me, I should know he would make an effort to address what I needed if I communicated effectively, but I wasn’t doing that.
This sweet man of mine has already taken multiple steps thanks to this note. He was able to pick out two books for me and threw in flowers for good measure. We also went to an Indie Bookstore on Independent Bookstore Day. That one wasn’t on the list though, so I definitely surprised him with that one in the middle of the day once I realized what day it was, haha! He was a good sport and even surprised me by grabbing a pen he thought I’d like! He also read the first chapter to my novel despite it being a little awkward for the both of us. (My novel involves two of my past relationships, so yeah, a little awkward).
Anyways…
I’m grateful to have a partner that cares about me enough to listen to me share my feelings, is willing to talk through complicated conversations, and is willing to make adjustments to ensure I’m feeling loved and cared for.
I always want him to feel that he can communicate his needs to me as well. We should always have the same level of comfort with sharing our thoughts and feelings. If we aren’t creating that environment for each other then we have work to do!
(Y’all, I promise I treat this man like the king he is! Haha! This is just something that we’ve been working through, and I recognize my flaws in how I handled it. I adore this man and do everything in my power to make him feel loved and valued as a man, partner, and father!)
It can be uncomfortable, but it’s important to communicate with your partner. You may not always get it right, as you can see that I struggled to communicate effectively for a bit, but keep trying!
I didn’t share this without my partners permission. I talked to him about putting this out there to possibly help others. I don’t know if others will find it helpful, but I wanted people to know that we all struggle at times, even in healthy relationships. Relationships aren’t easy, they take work, communication skills, a willingness to admit when you need to make adjustments, and a willingness to follow through with those adjustments.
You gotta figure out what works for you and your partner. There’s no one right path to healthy communication. Writing helps me. I’m not as good at verbally communicating, as you can tell by me sending a text in the bathroom or needing to write out the note above, haha! Do whatever works for you to ensure you prioritize showing love to your partner!
Being a human is hard! Relationships are hard! Keep love in your heart, move forward with showing love as your primary goal, and you’ll hopefully be alright! You’re doing great! I love all you beautiful humans!
Ariel Pierce 