I recently read a journal entry from July of 2018 where I wrote that I’m a kick ass mother. I stared at it in shock. I didn’t know that I ever felt that way about motherhood. While living in Texas, “Don’t have children” came out of my mouth so many times. I advised all the teens I worked with, those who fantasized about having children and made statements about wanting children soon, that I recommend they reconsider. When my sister and her husband were talking about having children, I looked at her, with my eyes big with seriousness, and told her not to do it. (She just gave birth to her second child, so she didn’t listen, haha!) I joked often about how I would return my son if I could.
In July of 2018, I still had hope. There were a few complications, but I hoped at some point in the future, my son, his father, and I would all be together and live happily ever after. I ended that relationship sometime in 2019.
Days passed, and the stress of single motherhood continued to take its toll. Being everything for my little human with no in person family support sucked. My son started to have behavioral challenges that I couldn’t figure out how to manage easily. Work obligations and the pressure of having to make recommendations on the outcome of a person’s life ate away at my internal strength and positivity. I felt trapped at my job. I needed the money to ensure my son was taken care of despite it not being what I wanted to do long term.
I started therapy shortly after ending the relationship with my son’s father. I told my therapist the honest truth. I wanted to be Henry’s mom, but I didn’t want to be a mom at that time. I wished I could have had Henry at a different time. I wished I could have had Henry with a different man. I wished I could have had Henry with a committed partner in a marriage. I wished I could have had Henry after I finished my master’s degree and had my dream job.
I want to take a moment to thank my therapist. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what my life would look like right now. I was scared to be honest with someone about not enjoying being a mother. I never saw one ounce of judgement from my therapist. The validation and commitment to help me through that time of my life was remarkable. I’m grateful he saw the whole picture and helped me see that, while I am a mother, motherhood is not my entire identity and it doesn’t have to be.
The fact at that time was that I had Henry, and I had to show up for him. He’s a phenomenal child and didn’t deserve to have any unnecessary issues in his life because I made a choice to bring him into the world when I did.
I continued in therapy up to the time that I moved in 2024. I got my son to all appointments he needed to help address his needs. I read books and sought out evidence based research to help change any behaviors of mine that may have been negatively impacting my son.
After I moved, I found a less stressful job. Henry’s behaviors improved. I had family support again. I felt so much ease in parenting when I wasn’t totally alone anymore. Things were looking up!
A little under a year ago, my coworker introduced me to her cousin. Honestly, when she told me about him, I said I’m not interested based on the fact that he had three children.
The idea of being even a part time caregiver/parent figure to three other children terrified me after the struggles I went through navigating motherhood with one child.
Also, I had a stepmother growing up, and I don’t really have any positive memories of my time with her. She would tell people that I’m my siblings’ step sister instead of their half sister. That hurt my entire soul. It felt like she never wanted to claim me in any type of motherly way.
I never wanted to be a stepmom because I didn’t have any good memories with mine. I’m not out here trying to bash her. She’s married to my dad, and now that I’m an adult and recognize how terrible he can be, I think she likely did the best she knew how to do. I also know I didn’t make things easy.
Thankfully, my coworker took the chance and connected her cousin and I anyways. She’s an absolutely amazing human, so how could I not give someone a chance that she believes is a good person.
After meeting my partner’s oldest daughter, I knew my life would change forever. Hearing her amazing laugh and getting to be present for her incredible curiosity and creativity is my favorite.
It was never that I didn’t want to be a mother. It was never that I didn’t find joy in being a mother. It was simply that I lacked support.
I loved so many kids during my time as a Child Protective Services (CPS) caseworker. I would have done anything to help those children live the lives they deserve to live. I knew humans are capable of loving so many people after being a part of so many children’s lives. While love doesn’t necessarily always mean a person is capable of parenting children, I know that I am.
I am a kick ass mother. Thankfully, I have my momma around. I am in a beautiful relationship with a man I almost never met because of my fear. My partner’s family is incredible. I have an amazing church family. I have best friends in the area, that I’ve been friends with since middle school, that I know I can count on. I have the support every mother deserves to have when they’re raising a child or multiple children. I’m not saying that a relationship is necessary, but in my case it has been a beautiful bonus. Support can come in many ways.
I don’t want to down play the support I had in Texas. So many people stepped up for me and I’ll be eternally grateful for those people. Find the people that make parenthood a little easier regardless if they’re family or not! Generally you’ll find people that feel like family even if they’re not blood relatives.
I’ve now met my partner’s other two children. One lives with us full time. It’s been amazing getting to know all three precious extensions of my partner’s heart.
Being in a parent role to a child you didn’t birth is such a new experience. It’s different than being a supportive person or a caseworker. You want to make sure you help them grow to be kind adults. You want to make sure they have everything they need to thrive in life. While you want these things for all kids, you’re the starting point for your child as a parent, where you’re not as a support person. I’m grateful to be a part of my partner’s children’s lives.
I’m also now experiencing my son interacting with his father’s partner.
When I ended the relationship with my son’s father, I knew he would likely have another mother figure in his life at some point. In Texas, it was easy to ignore when he began a new relationship. We lived so far and his father and his father’s partner never visited. The first time my son went to his father’s house when we were visiting Kentucky, I had not yet met his father’s partner. I had a lot of negative thoughts but never voiced them because my emotions don’t really matter when it comes to my son’s relationship with his father. I never want my son to feel I prevented him from having a relationship with his dad.
Since moving back, my son has spent more time with his father and his father’s partner. We went to Walmart prior to Mother’s Day to finish up shopping for the mothers in our lives. My partner and I were helping his oldest daughter pick out gifts for her mother and Henry said, “You know who is a mom?”
He said his father’s partner’s name and asked to get her gifts. I said “That’s a fantastic idea! She will love that!” I let him pick out what he wanted for her. I felt a little weird about it because some of the gifts he wanted, based on his still developing reading skills, were gifts that I didn’t feel suited their relationship. When you see your child point out something that says, “Best Mom Ever,” and that gift isn’t going to you, it is weird. I’m not going to sit here and say I wasn’t a little uncomfortable, but I tried my best to not show it.
I will do whatever I can to help facilitate my son’s relationship with his father and his father’s partner. If someone is willing to show my child love, who am I to try and interfere? His father’s partner has been nothing but kind to my son and I’m grateful he enjoys being in their home. What more could a parent want then for their child to feel safe and loved everywhere they go?
There are so many aspects of parenting that you may not think about until you’re experiencing whatever it is in the moment. You typically don’t think about coparenting when you’re happily in a relationship. You don’t think about being a single parent until you find yourself in that situation. You don’t think about being a step parent. You don’t think about yourself watching your child go spend time with their other parent and the parent’s partner.
I currently find myself in a parenting role I didn’t expect eight years ago when I began working at CPS. I’m in the process of attempting to gain permanent custody of a child I happened to be a caseworker for during my time at CPS. I can’t predict the future but when you hear your kid say “I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for you,” all I can say is that this child will always have a place in my heart regardless of the legal status.
Going from being a parent who wished in the past that she could go back and not be a parent at the time I did, to now being a parent/bonus parent/parent figure to five children is wild.
I don’t think anything could make me feel any more trusting of God’s timing than this. I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I’m grateful He trusts me to play a role in these children’s lives!
I still think back on what I suggested to the children I worked with, my friends considering children, and my own sister.
I don’t necessarily disagree with what I said, but I definitely lean more now on trusting God’s timing. I still recommend truly considering your circumstances, the competence of your partner in a parenting role, and whether you feel mentally ready to be a parent before you make that choice.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard when you’re experiencing depression to see an outcome that goes well. Postpartum depression is also a common diagnosis for mothers. It’s okay to not always be one hundred percent confident or happy in parenthood. It’s okay to struggle and wish things could be different.
I highly suggest seeking support. If you’re feeling this way, you likely need more support. I will always recommend additional support for anyone struggling. Whether it is more time spent with friends, more time spent with family, counseling support, medication management, or anything else to help address your needs, it’s okay. You deserve support and you are valid in asking for it.
Parenting isn’t easy even with the best support. God trusted you to be a part of a child’s life, regardless of however it is that you are a part of that child’s life. Trust that God knows what He is doing and give yourself some grace.
Ariel Pierce 