Around Father’s Day this year, I started to write a blog. I didn’t get very far, and it wasn’t sounding how I wanted it to sound. I planned to put something in writing about my then partner, as I tend to get my feelings out much better in writing. I wanted something tangible for him to see to convey how amazing he is as a man and a father. I decided to leave the blog as a draft.
As I wrote, I started to complain a bit about how I had not seen a father in action consistently during my life. I essentially insulted most of the people who have been a father figure to myself and/or my son to show how my husband far exceeds these other people. While it may be true, it really didn’t need to be said to convey my appreciation for him. I also didn’t feel the words were good enough to convey my message. I know my partner isn’t a reader and it was getting a little too wordy. I felt the message wasn’t what he needed to feel loved on Father’s Day either.
So, I did a few other cute things like bought us and the kids matching Father’s Day related shirts, had the kids pick out gifts (each kid had $10), and then made a video of the kids answering questions about their dad. It was a great day. I think it meant more to him than a blog about my feelings for him would have. I think he mostly enjoyed just having all of our babies around us and thought of the gifts as a nice bonus.
Why am I writing about this now? Great question. A little over a year ago, my coworker told me about her cousin. I wrote a journal entry that day that said the following: “Dating new people is scary because you’re facing the unknown. My coworker was telling me about her cousin today. He has three kids with three different women. That’s a no from me but I appreciate the thought. I hope to find someone someday but maybe it’s not meant to be for me.” My coworker mentioned me to her cousin the next day and texted me to see if I was potentially okay with her sharing my phone number with him.
My coworker is literally the sweetest person. She has such a bright personality and we match well on most of our beliefs. I thought hard about it and decided that her cousin couldn’t be that bad if he had such a good recommendation from an awesome person. She sent him my number and about an hour later he texted me.
That was a long way to get to the heart of my message. I’m there now, I promise. My coworker’s cousin and I got married exactly one month from the date I started writing these words. I’m still looking at the set of nails I got done for the occasion… it’s rough, I don’t know how to remove full sets easily, haha!
Anyways, the heart of my message is this: Face the unknown.
I was so close from missing out on such a beautiful future because of one statement my coworker made. Three kids with three women. Don’t get me wrong, that statement can be a red flag, but who am I to judge on words alone? On paper, I have been divorced, have a child from a relationship that was not my first marriage, and have a few other failed relationship attempts. None of that sounds great, the only difference is that it sounds less intimidating because I have two less children. I’m not screaming “green flag” by any means though.
I think everyone should be cautious when considering relationship partners. I think everyone is valid in whatever expectations they have for a potential partner. You absolutely need to be mindful of what being with a person who already has children may entail. My continued point is, it doesn’t hurt to explore your options, even ones that make you initially think “no thanks.” (I highly recommend considering your referral source, not everyone is looking out for your best interests and may not be a good judge of character)
No one can guarantee that a relationship will work out, but if you’re open to learning about a person, they may surprise you. In my situation, my coworker, now family, happened to be right in thinking we would be good together. My husband is the most patient and kind man I’ve known, outside of my grandfather. His communication skills are impressive. I’ve never communicated so effectively and compassionately with a man in my life. It’s been shocking and lovely to see the thought and care behind how he communicates with me. I’m not going to say it’s been perfect, but it’s the effort that matters most. He genuinely cares about healthy communication and I’m eternally grateful.
This man is truly my best friend. I know I’ve written about him before and said lots of nice things, but I wanted to sprinkle a little something about him in a blog in honor of the anniversary of the day we first communicated, the day we first met, our first date, and the day we began dating all having recently passed or are approaching.
This isn’t a love letter to my husband. I know he’ll read this, but it’s not directly pointed at him like my original blog idea was meant to be. I remind my husband as often as possible that he’s an amazing man, husband, and father. He doesn’t need to read this to know that. He also has my vows which are written down for him to read if he ever needs reminders about how I feel, if I’m not around to tell him.
While all these wonderful things about my husband are true and exciting, this blog isn’t all about him or relationships, that simply happened to be the easiest way I could bridge the topic. Facing the unknown is hard in general. Starting a new job. Interviewing to even begin considering a new job. Making friends. Deciding whether to become parents or have more children. Picking up a new skill you haven’t tried before. It could be as mundane as trying a different meal at your favorite restaurant.
There is so much fear and doubt that our brains latch onto and it’s often debilitating. There must be something we can do. I truly don’t have all the answers. If you’ve been reading my content for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m mostly out here winging it. I’m trying my best and hoping it’s good enough.
However, what I do know is that I’m talented with words. I have the ability to put hopeful content out into the world. I share my personal experiences with the hope that someone can relate or that my words might improve someone’s mental health or outlook on themselves.
I’m not out here simply to boast about my sweet husband or talk about how my life is all rainbow and sunshine. It’s not. My husband is definitely sunshine in all the chaos and darkness we have to deal with in our lives, but it’s not easy simply because my husband has the skills and desire to communicate well.
Face the unknown! Do the hard thing! Believe in yourself! Believe in others! Take a leap of faith! There are so many ways to share the same message. Things may sound scary and might be risky, but they may be the very things that change your life in a positive way that you never expected.
I know how hard it is to believe good things can happen (I literally have a blog all about that). However, I do know that things won’t change if you aren’t willing to face the unknown. You have to keep moving forward. You have to believe that good things can happen and doing new challenging things may be the only way to get to some of these good things. Finding joy has not been easy for me. There are days where I want to scream into the void and escape into some random fictional world forever. However, I know that things have the potential to improve, and I happened to be blessed by taking a chance to get to know someone that sounded outside of my comfort zone.
The state of the world right now is scary. Very little is inside our comfort zones anymore. You’re doing your best. There is no pressure, and you have to do what you feel is right for you at the end of the day. I’m simply here to remind you that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are worthy of feeling joy and loving yourself. You are worth taking chances and facing the unknown!
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I don’t want to add any cynicism to this blog, but I do highly recommend knowing yourself and considering your support. I do not, in any way, want to imply that you shouldn’t be cautious in choosing a relationship partner simply because my relationship is going well despite my initial thoughts. Recognize the patterns you take in relationships, go to therapy and process any trauma or unresolved issues that may impact your decision making, and recognize your worth and that you deserve to be treated with so much love and respect. It truly isn’t hard for someone to be kind, to respect you, and to love you the way you deserve. Relationships take work and effort, but love, kindness, and respect are literally the bare minimum a person can offer. If you’re not getting even that, I would recommend looking at what your options are to leave the relationship or pursue healthy interventions, like therapy, to address any issues.
Ariel Pierce 