I started to write this as a quick Facebook post, but I started writing more and more and believe it’s important to post through my blog. So, please enjoy!
I’ve been telling our daughter that she should be drinking more water while at school because her water bottle has been coming home at the same level since school started two weeks ago. She struggles to drink water in general because she prefers other drinks that we don’t tend to buy or allow our kids to drink. She also says she forgets, which is highly likely.
I told her it’s okay, and I’m only reminding her because water is important to keep our bodies healthy. Yesterday (the day prior to me writing these words) her water bottle was almost half empty. I told her she should be so proud of herself for working hard to drink more water. She said she tried to drink more so that I would be happy and proud of her.
My son was in the room for that conversation. He immediately chimed in before I could respond and said “You don’t have to do anything to make mom proud. She’s always proud of us.” I stumbled for a second. I know I tell the kids all the time what my son said, but it was the first time I’d heard it repeated in that way.
I told our daughter that she should be proud of herself for working hard to take care of her body. I reiterated that I’ll be proud whether the bottle is full or empty. I told her she does not have to work hard or do something specific to earn anything from me. I told her that the priority is for her to learn to take care of her body and love herself. She smiled and moved on to finish what she was doing when the conversation started.
I know the statement “I’m so proud of you” is so natural and feels like the right thing to say. A college professor I had for a few classes often would speak on the negative outcomes of that comment. He stated that children internalize that comment and believe they have to keep producing something or acting in a certain way to earn the approval of their parents. That stuck with me since.
I can’t remember if I’m doing things exactly as that professor recommended, but I’ve tried to turn all the focus on the kids. I’ve been telling Henry for a long time that “he should be proud of himself for… whatever it might be.” A few work trainings related to play therapy have also shown that pointing out a child’s efforts is most helpful. So, basically, “you have worked so hard to take care of your body.”
I really appreciate this thought process. I’m not a licensed provider, but I do have a Bachelor’s in Psychology, completed all but one class and the practicum portion of a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, have seven years experience as a Child Protective Services Conservatorship Specialist, and now continue work in the helping profession as a Targeted Case Manager.
Learning has always been my passion. I think people never noticed my symptoms of ADHD because I produced positive results. I had good grades. I was considered a “good kid” because my symptoms didn’t impact my schoolwork. Essentially, people were proud of me.
My son has struggled with his own ADHD symptoms and is often labeled in a negative way because his symptoms are more disruptive. His impulse control issues are a work in progress. Throughout his first two years of school, he didn’t have very many issues with doing the work if he was able to focus on it. However, children that are 5, 6, and/or 7 typically already have struggle focusing in general because they’re learning to adapt to school and a totally structured environment. His attention and behavior issues have caused him to get behind because he was pulled out of class, almost daily during kindergarten, for disrupting his peers. He now has an individualized education program (IEP) and this has helped exponentially with ensuring he is offered support based on his individual needs.
Throughout all this I started to become worried because he became increasingly frustrated about not being able to read some words he’s supposed to know or focus for very long when we would try to do any homework or other supportive work that wasn’t required but I thought would help. That was about the time when my statements really started focusing on ensuring he feels proud of himself and ensuring he understands that he’s not more or less worthy of love or more or less valued based on what he produces in school or in general.
Children don’t have to earn love. Love should be freely given! Children don’t have to do certain things for parents to be proud. Parents should be teaching their children to build internal love and pride for themselves. Most of what you address with them should be about teaching them to care for their body, their heart, and their mind. It shouldn’t be about teaching them to care more about earning love and pride from the people that should freely give it.
I’m grateful to know my son has taken my words to heart and knows I love him no matter what. I haven’t been in my daughters’ lives for as long, but I hope all of our children always believe the same!
Being a parent is hard! I’ve yelled. I’ve tried spanking my son a couple times. I’ve said rude things. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m perfect. I’m simply writing because I’m grateful for this positive parenting moment, and I want to document this for times I feel like I’m failing as a parent.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! Try your best and tag in your support network if you need help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help or taking breaks when parenting feels overwhelming. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it comes with inherent pressure. If you’re trying to be kind, loving, and are trying to teach your children the same things, that’s great!
(If you’re teaching your children to continue racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. beliefs then you’re not doing great. Get some help and be better!)
Ariel Pierce 