Nonsense

I got my first hate comment about my content the other day. It didn’t come in the way I assumed my first hate comment would, but it made me think about writing another blog. I tend to process things through writing and this felt like a great way to process some thoughts I’ve been having.

So…

The other day, my husband said something that bothered me. In a moment of frustration, I may have been saying things that were outside of my character about people that I’m not the biggest fan of. My darling sweet husband reminded me that the best plan of action is to love them like Jesus. I fired back with, “I’m not freaking Jesus!”

I chilled out and generally agreed, but truly, I’m not freaking Jesus. I don’t know how to respond to hate without letting it fester inside my body and have my anxiety take hold of it. I try to think of how to manage it, but sometimes I just want to lash out and treat people how they treat me. I tend to turn to words. I journal. I write a blog. I write whatever it is that will help me process what is bothering me.

As I drove to work, the morning I started writing these words, I had the following thought:

It doesn’t matter if you’re literally Jesus, people will still find something to hate about you.

You can be so kind, and people will say you’re so mean. You can help everyone you come across, and people will say it’s not enough. You can put out content with the intent of helping others manage their mental health, or simply just to put a little joy out in the world, and people will still call it “nonsense.”

I’ve wished and prayed that I could be less empathetic. I’ve wished and prayed that I could be as mean as people have been to me. I’ve wished and prayed that I could get rid of my intuition and perceptive abilities. I get frustrated and angry that people have treated me and the people I care about in such disgusting, hateful, and plain evil ways, and I simply can’t muster to respond back in the same way.

What I find to be nonsense is that I’d ever want to be anything like these types of people. Why would I ever want to have such painful emotions or feelings living in my body? Why would I want to hurt people? Why would I want to have a type of brain that functions in such deplorable ways? That’s nonsense.

I feel everything so deeply. I can see the hurt in people’s bodies the second I look into their eyes. My mind immediately sees the good in people and assumes any bad is coming from trauma and/or ignorance. I want to pour out love to every single person I come in contact with. My body naturally seeks joy and seeks to spread joy to others. It’s my homeostasis state.

Life has a way of trying to suck the good right out of you. When you think you’re past the point in your life where you’ve experienced your darkest thoughts, something comes in to try and suck you back in that direction.

Society in general causes so much suffering and my brain can’t fathom the hate that people spread. Experiencing hate from people that you have to interact with, that aren’t politicians you can separate yourself from, is an experience that takes a lot of strength.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m strong. My brain is neurospicy and helps me use my abilities to help my family and I. I can take on a lot and not break.

However, there’s some days where any sense of Jesus, that I try to hold in my body, tries to escape and let the darker thoughts roam free. I consider turning towards manipulation, name calling, and all other forms of inappropriate communication thrown at me.

I’m writing this because I know I’m not Jesus. I’m writing this because I know I struggle. I’m writing this because I know how hard it is to be a human. I’m writing this because I know others likely experience the same internal battles I’m facing.

When people in your life, and society in general, continue to try and tear you down, it’s hard to stand up. It’s hard to not cling to the darkness. It’s hard to choose the path that Jesus likely would. Being a human is so freaking hard!

I don’t know if anyone will get anything out of reading these words, maybe they are all nonsense, but just try to be kind.

Nobody gets anything out of being hateful. The world’s hard enough as it is. We’re already dealing with enough systemic, economic, racial, etc. injustices, you don’t need to add chaos. Treat people how you want to be treated. Treat people how you want your children to be treated. Treat people how you would expect Jesus to be treated.

I know that people won’t always see the good in you. People literally crucified Jesus. Martin Luther King Jr. advocated for peaceful resistance and we know what happened. History has not been kind to those that stand up against evil. I hope anyone reading this will find themselves on the right side of history.

I may not always say or do the right things, but I try my best to put out content that is filled with joy, seeks to help others, and fights injustice. Reading and writing is a form of resistance. It may be nonsense to some, but I promise, it’s light, joy, and love for others.

I love all you beautiful humans, even those that make it difficult to love them. I do what I do to help others, even those who aren’t willing to see it.

Try your best in this inane world! People will do everything they can to make you doubt and question yourself. Seek support, seek healthy relationships, and seek those that are kind! I hope to be that safe place for anyone who needs one!