Bucket List #60

Bucket List Item Number 60: “Get to a point with my health where I don’t think constantly about losing weight.”

Y’all.

Did I do it?

Can I mark off number 60 from my bucket list?

Help me decide.

In a class I took while in grad school, I remember doing a presentation about art therapy. Part of the assignment was to make the presentation interactive. I bought sketch pads for everyone and led an activity.

I asked everyone to draw the part of their body they feel most insecure about. For the example, I had drawn a picture of my side profile. For as long as I can remember, I have gotten dressed and then turned to the side in a mirror to see if I look fat or not.

My main concern has always been my stomach. Does it stick out to far over my jeans? Can you see multiple rolls through the outfit? How fat do I appear to be to others?

So, in the sketch pad, I drew a picture of my stomach sticking far out from a side profile. I also drew my nose sticking out and my butt. I had a few insecurities to give examples.

Then, I asked everyone to write down comments they have said about their bodies or someone has said to them about their bodies.

Throughout this activity I helped them through a reframing process. Basically, the way we look has no relation to the amount of worth we have. We are amazing simply because we exist. I couldn’t go too in depth about art therapy practices, but an example of an activity one can do through art therapy is drawing a portrait of how they see themselves using positive thoughts. There are any number of ways to use art therapy to build positive self worth.

I bring all this up to say that I have not taken my own or helpful evidence based research’s advice and valued myself simply for existing. I’ve worried about how I look for as long as I can remember. I’ve thought about losing weight everyday for most of my life. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough because I’m larger than medical professionals and society think I should be.

When I wrote number 60 on my bucket list, I didn’t think I would be able to consider marking it off within a number of years, let alone less than one since I wrote it.

Here I am, nine months after adding it to the list thinking I may be able to mark it off.

Why am I uncertain? I made the list. I should know what qualifies me to mark it off or not.

Well, I guess it’s because it’s been such a short time that I haven’t thought about losing weight.

This past week, before writing these words, was the first week I have no memory of turning to the side and wondering if I look fat or not. The only time I remember turning to the side was because I saw my butt in an outfit and stepped back to admire how awesome my butt looked that day.

I realized this in the bathroom the other night. I had been feeling a little bloated (my period was about to start) and I went to check my weight just out of curiosity. Then I stopped before I even got on the scale as I realized I did not care one bit what it said. There were no emotions that I normally experience when getting on the scale. I wasn’t terrified that I had gained a bunch of weight even though I was feeling a little heavier because of the bloating. I wasn’t feeling hopeful that I had lost weight. I genuinely didn’t even know why I got on the scale.

It felt so freeing. I then realized I hadn’t even really looked at myself in the mirror or worried at all about if I looked good enough to exist in the world once that past week.

So, is a week enough to mark this off?

I don’t know.

I know I’m going to have hard days. I know I’m going to have days where I get upset because an outfit doesn’t fit how I want it to fit. However, am I past the constant thoughts about my weight?

I really don’t know. I’d like to think so. A few here and there is better than doubting myself every single day, multiple times a day. I think I’ll take it.

How did I get here?

I’m honestly not really sure.

I’ve been to therapy in the past and this was something I spoke about. It didn’t seem to help. I’ve dated decently attractive people. That didn’t seem to matter. I am an educated person and know the value of reframing thought processes. I continued to not do that when I needed to despite helping others succeed at it.

I have done a lot of work this past year to try to value myself. I’ve been writing more. I’ve been attempting to find joy and keep track of it. I’ve been being vulnerable and posting pictures of myself I’d normally hide because I didn’t look perfect. I’ve tried to be kind to myself and think about whether I would want my children to say the things I say to myself to themselves.

I’ve said something similar to this next sentence somewhere, but I can’t remember where. Regardless, It also doesn’t hurt that my husband is a genuine King. That man treats me like a Queen! It doesn’t matter what I do, that man is licking his lips as if I were made of the most delicate treat and he can’t wait to take a bite. He’s so genuine in his love. I’ve never once doubted myself around him and that’s not normal for relationships I’ve experienced. Everyone I’ve been with in the past has had something to say about my body that wasn’t kind, even if they tried to pass it off as being helpful. My husband’s love for me, in any capacity, is clear in his eyes and his actions. It has definitely helped with my perception of myself, but it’s not been the only thing that has needed to change.

The fact is, if you don’t love yourself, it won’t matter what someone else says, you’ll doubt yourself. I know I’m not perfect, and I will have days where I don’t like the way I look again. However, right now, I’m grateful that I can’t even name the day I last had a negative thought about my body.

I don’t have a cure all. I don’t have a step by step plan to offer anyone that is struggling with body image and self worth. I truly wish I did. I wish I could connect everyone to a love like my husband. All I can say is to keep trying to figure out what works for you. Do the things that bring you joy. Try to remember that regardless of what you look like, you’re still worthy of loving yourself. You deserve a great love. Find people that speak light into your life and don’t cut you down with backhanded compliments. If you don’t have that support yet, you haven’t been able to convince your brain to talk kind to yourself, or just need a positive word of encouragement, that’s what I’m here for!

Being a human is hard! Be kind to yourself!