Parenting Phrases

I have been thinking about the best way to organize this blog for a while now. I’ve written a few blogs related to parenting, but I think this will likely be my favorite.

I am 100% an evidence based research girlie! I love speaking with facts and support behind my statements. If the United States ever makes college free, I will be the first one applying to law school. I am all about education and learning new things.

However, through my blog, I tend to speak from my personal experience. I want to preface anything you read below with the statement that anything perceived as parenting advice are simply things that have worked well for me and my family.

I will say that I am heavily influenced by my educational and professional background/experience. I have a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Psychology. I completed 43 credit hours to attempt to obtain a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. (My credits have since expired as I was unable to complete the degree timely due to life circumstances. It’s okay, I’ve cried about it and I’ve dealt with that fact now). I worked as a preschool teacher and a caregiver for a child with Autism while in grad school. I worked with Child Protective Services for seven years in the capital of Texas. I presently work as a Targeted Case Manager at a Community Mental Health Clinic. Through my professional experience, I have been required to maintain continuing education regularly and have attended many trainings that work off of evidence based research. I have been certified in Motivational Interviewing. I have held Mental Health First Aid certifications in the past.

While I believe that I am heavily practicing off evidence based research, I am still just a parent out here winging it. Every child is different. Every life experience and environment is different and may impact children differently. Coparenting situations can impact how children behave. There are any number of factors that influence the parenting experience.

The intent behind this blog is to give readers a glimpse into what works for me (or at least what I’m practicing with the hope that it will work) and potentially offer ideas that may work for other kids as well. If there is something you don’t vibe with, that’s okay. This blog is in no way intending to be presented as proven evidence based research. It has the potential to be helpful, but I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression or claim I have all the answers related to the topic of parenting.

In saying all of the above, I will now move into the portion that I am most excited to write about.

There are a number of what I’ll call “parenting phrases” that come out of the mouths of my husband and I on the regular. We have the ever so common “keep your hands to yourself” or “use your words,” but we’ve developed or adopted some of our own that we currently use to help ease some of the typical dilemmas that come up while parenting young children.

I will list the phrases below and then come back to explain a bit about each one later on. If it starts with the first person (some version of “I”) that is referring to my husband or I. If there is an ellipsis that means it tends to be a starter phrase and then it’s followed up with something else. All of the phrases require explanation initially, but the ones without ellipsis are mostly absolute, and our kids have adapted to them without much need for follow up.

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Here we go:

2. I don’t make promises about the future.

3. I’m not an amusement park ride.

4. I’m not a trash holder.

5. Please don’t speak for your sibling…

6. When you’re done crying/being mad, we can talk.

7. We don’t speak about people’s bodies.

8. I like everything you do…

9. Please ask before hugging.

10. You can be mad, you don’t get to be disrespectful.

11. Focus on yourself…

12. Let me be the parent, please…

13. If you can’t say it loud, it doesn’t need to be whispered.

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Without context, some of these might be a little unclear. Without follow up to some, they also aren’t likely going to be effective. I will list them again below and add more information to support why we use them.

1. If you want to bring it, you have to hold it.

This one has helped decrease arguments about bringing items to church, the grocery store, a gathering, a community event (like a parade or something), etc. My son would throw fits because I would tell him he couldn’t bring all 100 of his dinosaurs or whatever it was he wanted to bring that day. So, I had to figure out how to navigate this without an argument every time we left the house.

I decided to tell him, you can bring it, but I won’t hold it for you if you get tired or bored of it. I told him if you get tired or throw it on the ground then you have to keep holding them or it will get left wherever you throw it. You best believe he tested me to see if I was serious, and it only took a few steps of me walking past the item for him to believe me. He didn’t try me to many more times before my phrase held weight.

We’ve also adopted the cousin phrase “you can bring it, but it has to stay in the car.” That’s been a compromise my son and now daughters have accepted as reasonable for places where whatever item they want to bring is just not acceptable. For example, we don’t let them bring stuffed animals to the park because they’re not all as easy to clean as some things like sports balls. School events are a no go for items because we tell them it’s important to focus on the reason we’re there and they can play with toys later. After one or two reminders of this, they just have to hear the base phrase and accept it for what it is.

2. I don’t make promises about the future.

This one has helped decrease so many arguments and avoid disappointment. I can almost guarantee that all parents hear a constant barrage of questions about something their child/children want or want to do.

Some examples:

• “Can I get this for my birthday?”
• “Can we have McDonald’s later?”
• “Can I stay up late tonight?”
• “Can we go …insert place here… today/tomorrow/etc.”

We started saying that we don’t make promises about the future and the arguments like would happen if we said “no,” “I don’t know,” or “we’ll see” have disappeared. The phrase helps prevent disappointment if we aren’t able to do whatever it is they want to do. Let’s face it, “we’ll see” pretty much has become standard for “means no” and most kids know that. “I don’t make promises about the future” helps if you change it up frequently. It doesn’t give them the opportunity to associate the phrase with yes or no if sometimes you end up doing what you ask.

As a parent to multiple children, it’s hard to know what you’re going to be able to do at any given moment. We don’t want to let our kids down, and if we say we’re going to do something and then can’t, for whatever reason, it’s heartbreaking to see their disappointment. I know disappointment is inevitable, but this phrase helps alleviate some.

3. I’m not an amusement park ride.

Maybe this is just a me thing but this statement came out randomly one day, and I realized I love it. At the time I’m writing this blog, my husband and I have a 17 year old, an 11 year old, two seven year olds, and a four year old. This one is geared more towards the three youngest.

Anytime my husband or I do something silly to one of them, the other two hop in line and immediately ask “can you do that to me too?!”

While I understand the desire, there’s sometimes I just don’t have the ability to pick our son up as easily as our four year old. So if I pick her up and twirl her around, I may not be able to do the same to him.

That’s just one example. A simpler one is if I tickle one. For some reason they all want to be tickled. Some days I’m all for tickling all of them. Other days, it was just a redirection tool I used to prevent a break down and the other kids thought it was that kid getting something special that they didn’t.

This isn’t one that you have to use all the time, but it helps when you’re overstimulated, don’t have time, or simply to explain to your kids that you’re not treating any of them more or less special.

4. I’m not a trash holder.

This kinda goes along with number one. So many times our kids will beg for a snack/drink somewhere, we’ll give them one, and then when they finish they try to hand the wrapper or bottle to us. Nope. I didn’t ask for the snack/drink. You can find a trash can or hold it until one can be found.

I know that it is no fun to hold something while you search for a trash can. However, kids need to learn that parents aren’t there to solve all their problems. This is a small way to teach them independence and learn how to problem solve. You best believe they find a trash can or come up with a creative solution for how to get the trash out of their hands.

5. Please don’t speak for your sibling…

Our sweet babies have a tendency to say “I think they meant…”

Nope. You are not your sibling’s spokesperson. You are not responsible for reporting their feelings or emotions. If they are not capable of speaking for themselves, we will help address that with them.

We want to ensure our children are learning how to effectively communicate for themselves and be strong advocates for their needs/wants.

6. When you’re done crying/being mad, we can talk.

It is so hard trying to understand a crying or screaming child. If you need to cry, cry (for as long as they want, it’s best not to make them feel like there’s a time limit). If you want to scream… well, we’ll have to figure out some solutions for that to not scare the neighbors.

We’re trying to help our children understand that you generally can’t get much accomplished while you’re upset or angry. Those feels are valid, and we’ll do our best to validate them, but when we’ve gotten past the initial emotions and can better process what we’re experiencing, we’re much more effective.

This one is a work in progress.

7. We don’t speak about people’s bodies.

Never! It doesn’t matter what the reason is, there will never be a good one to comment on another person’s body unless you were asked, are flirting with your partner/spouse, or you’re a medical professional.

Kids don’t tend to realize they are being inappropriate when they ask “what’s wrong with their face?” or “why is their belly so big?”

Yes, those are really questions my son has asked. Thankfully, the people were not in earshot to hear them.

We want our children to understand respecting their bodies and respecting others. We work hard to ensure our children understand safe physical touch and appropriate affection in general.

Setting this boundary helps limit negative associations with different body types.

8. I like everything you do…

This one definitely needs context. We obviously don’t like negative behaviors.

This one is typically used in response to “Do you like it?”

The actual phrase varies. Sometimes I say, “my answer will always be yes.” Then I’ll follow it up with something like, “tell me about your picture,” “what’s your favorite part of what you created,” or “Wow! You worked so hard on that!”

We don’t want our children focusing on the opinions of others. While we know it’s natural for children to seek validation from their parents, we want them to understand that we are their biggest fans and will love anything and everything. We want them to focus on internal validation and believing that they are amazing regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I mean, who are parents to judge the quality of a child’s artwork or something they created. They aren’t doing it for validation, they’re doing it because it’s fun.

9. Please ask before hugging.

Personal boundaries are huge. If children don’t understand that people aren’t allowed to touch them without their permission, then that raises the risk of them experiencing abuse. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s important for children to understand healthy affection, and even people that love you, and will likely always want to hug you, still need to be asked first.

10. You can be mad, you don’t get to be disrespectful.

We try to validate our kids when they’re upset. The problem becomes when they start calling people names, being aggressive, or crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.

I’ll give you a scenario of how this plays out.

One kid does something that bothers another. The kid who is bothered says: “You’re stupid/annoying/mean.” Then the kid who was doing the bothering escalates, starts name calling as well, or the tattling begins.

If one of the kids was in fact doing something that would warrant redirecting, we tend to start there. Then we turn back to the kid who was offended and help them learn healthier methods for addressing their problems.

It’s also common when kids are told no or don’t get something they want for them to start name calling, yelling, or something of the sort.

So, these things tend to lead towards the parenting phrase.

Healthy communication is important. We tell them all the time that yelling or hurt in someone will never help them accomplish their needs the way they want.

This one is also a work in progress.

11. Focus on yourself…

Goodness. These children be ratting their siblings out so fast. They are quick to be like “why does he/she get to do that” before we even have the chance to address the other child. This is similar to “please don’t speak for your siblings,” but is more geared towards them, honestly, just minding their own business.

12. Let me be the parent, please…

This is a cousin to number 11 and number 5. The kids will constantly tell the others what to do. We are fairly decent parents. I’d even go so far as to say amazing parents, but I’m biased, so you don’t have to agree. Either way, we work hard to make sure our kids never have to be responsible for their siblings. We will do everything possible to make sure our children don’t feel parentified.

I don’t even believe in siblings babysitting if there’s an age gap. It’s not their responsibility. I understand not everyone has that luxury, but it’s our personal choice. You gotta do what works for you and your family!

13. If you can’t say it loud, it doesn’t need to be whispered.

This is a newer one. The kids have started learning to be sneakier about their rudeness. They will whisper rude comments to the other and act like we can’t hear their whispers.

This is also another way to prevent potential abuse. If you can’t say something with your whole chest, you don’t need to be saying it.

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This is one of my favorite blogs I’ve written. I love talking about creative ways to help children grow and thrive.

The only other comment I’ll make about these, outside of my earlier disclaimers, is that you have to support your phrases with evidence. If you say it, you have to do it, mean it, and/or maintain the phrase consistently. If your kids don’t believe you, because you’re inconsistent with follow through, then it won’t matter what you say to them.

We tell our kids all the time, words are important. They have the potential to do so much good but also can cause so much harm. If you don’t back your words up with evidence or a change in behavior, they really mean nothing.

Parenting is the craziest adventure we’ve been on. We’re learning, adjusting, and straight winging it. I imagine many parents feel the same way. Do the best you can! What works for some may not work for others. You have to figure out what works for you and your kids.

If you read this far, thank you! I hope you found something helpful! If not, that’s okay too! I love healthy debate and conversation. I’m all for hearing alternative advice, research, or helpful information to help my children if others want to share.

If you needed a reminder, I figured I’d throw one in here. You are worthy of love and kindness simply because you exist. You’re doing great! (If you’re being racist, homophobic, etc., you’re not doing great. Do better!)