Stepparents

I want to preface what I write below by saying that everything in this blog is solely based on my perspective. There is nuance likely missing as well as the perspectives of the people I reference.

I have zero intentions of attacking anyone. I am simply writing about how I feel currently, how I felt in the past as an adult, and how I felt in the past as a child. The information I share is how I perceive or perceived certain events. If it makes someone else feel some type of way, that is something I cannot control.

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I follow some brilliant minds on social media who share evidence based information. My brain loves evidence. Recently, I’ve seen a number of people sharing about intent versus impact. The typical contexts this concept comes up in are in romantic relationships and parenting. I understand the premise, but the way it has been explained recently, by the individuals I follow, has helped me so much.

Basically, you may not intend to hurt someone, but you do. Intent doesn’t negate impact. Simply saying I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings doesn’t get rid of the fact that you did. The focus needs to be on impact rather than intent.

I’ve also learned a lot about decentering myself when it comes to my children.

In some situations, with my kiddos, instead of apologizing and attempting to address the issue, I have made it about me. I focus on the fact that they’re screaming at me or saying rude things instead of that what I did that hurt their feelings. A simple example would be, we told our kids we would try to play a board game later in the evening. The day’s events took longer than expected, and by the time we get home, it is too late in the day to play, and the kids needed to eat dinner and get ready for bed. Obviously, our intent was not to hurt our kids’ feelings, but we did. They were looking forward to playing the game and were disappointed because they didn’t get to. Sometimes, instead of recognizing their disappointment, we jump to defense mode. “We can’t control that such and such took that long,” or “We were out having fun and now you want to be rude because we’re later than we thought.” We try to get them to realize we’re not at fault rather than recognize their disappointment and help them regulate their emotions in a more effective way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it is hard to stay calm when a child is screaming at you about how awful of a parent you are because you won’t let them play a board game late at night when they have school the next day. However, focusing on your intent, often ignores the impact and makes someone feel unheard.

Another example would be if my husband said something was bothering him that I did and I immediately say “well I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” instead of saying “I’m sorry, what can I do differently next time something like this comes up?”

These are general examples, but I’m hoping they have been useful to explain the concept of intent versus impact.

Warning to my stepmother and siblings, this next bit may seem offensive. Reminder, I am speaking on my experience and feelings.

For as long as I can remember, I have held hate for my stepmother. This next picture pops into my head when I think of her.

If I talked about my stepmother, I often said I love my siblings but hate her.

All I think about when I think about my stepmother is all the things she did that hurt me. I think about how she would correct people if they said I was her daughter to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter. I think about how she referred to me as my siblings’ stepsister when I am their half-sister. I think about how she let my siblings do stuff that she wouldn’t let me, like jumping off the ladder to the pool (I don’t know why this memory stuck with me more than some others). I think about how often she screamed at me. I think about her getting drunk and then leaving my brother and I to watch our younger siblings. I think about how she told me I would never be a doctor because I was lazy. I think about the comments she made about my size (you shouldn’t buy that bathing suit, you’re too big.”)

As a kid, it’s hard to catch the nuance. It’s hard to grasp that adults are experiencing things we know nothing about. It’s hard to truly understand what it’s like to be a stepparent. It’s hard to see that maybe your birth parent isn’t the best person to be married to even though you may think they’re cooler than they are because of lack of knowledge.

I will never accept what was done to me, but I at least recognize the fact that I didn’t have all the information. I don’t hate my stepmother like I did in the past, but it’s not because she improved or we have a better relationship. I haven’t talked to her in years, honestly. I don’t hate her because I think she did the best she could based on the life she lived.

It’s easy for me to say she’s just an awful person. It’s easy for me to say she’s all at fault. What’s hard is for me saying that I was a rude ass little jerk sometimes (I’ve always been smart and 100% was probably more creative than I should have been with my rudeness). What’s hard is for me to say that my dad was not a good partner to her. What’s hard is for me to say that trying to take care of a home is difficult and she had a lot on her plate. What’s hard is for me to say that being a parent figure for children that you didn’t birth comes with a complex set of challenges. What’s hard is for me to say she had a rough upbringing from what I recall.

Yes, she absolutely could have done better. However, when you lack healthy support, have poor examples of healthy parenting, are in an unhealthy relationship, and are trying to take care of four biological kids and three stepchildren, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I did have a stepfather when I was a child, but I don’t remember too much about him. I don’t recall any bad memories. I, honestly, only have positive memories of my time with him. Regardless of my experience, my mom’s experience is what determined my involvement with him. They divorced when I was in elementary school and that was that. My mom remarried when I was an adult, so my experience with my stepfather at that point was much different as I didn’t reside in their home full time. He was kind to me when I visited, and I appreciated that very much.

One thing I will forever appreciate that my mom did is let me decide the kind of person my father was/is. She never said a single bad thing about him even though she absolutely could have. People will show you who they are, they don’t need others speaking for them. I have one positive memory of my dad. I think it was the only time I ever spent time alone with him that lasted longer than a few minutes here and there. He took me to a glass museum, and we made glass art together. I love that memory.

Unfortunately, that memory is outweighed by the memories that traumatized me. I remember his hands around my throat for me being rude to my stepmother. I remember all the times he asked me and my siblings to grab him a beer out of the fridge. I remember all the times we were left alone with my stepmother because he went to the bar. I remember him telling me I was lazy. I remember him telling me I was fat. I remember him telling me I wasn’t smart enough to become a doctor. I remember him telling me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I was backwards like the rest of the people from Kentucky (he didn’t live in Kentucky).

I didn’t need my mom to tell me anything about him. She apologized each time I told her about the things he did or said. She said she hoped he would be different to my brother and I than he was to her. I’ve since learned he actually was better to us than he was to her, but it still wasn’t great.

After my experience with my dad and stepmother, I really wasn’t certain if I wanted to be a mother, and I knew for certain that I didn’t want to be a stepmother. I always wished I only ever had two parents, and I didn’t want another child to feel the same about me. I didn’t want to ruin their image of the family they imagined.

When I got married at 19, I was so hopeful about having the family I imagined and loved that I would only ever be married to one person. If you’ve followed my content, you know that this did not happen. We didn’t have any children, thankfully. However, it still changed me. I started to realize nuance. I started to realize that life is much more complex than the experiences in my head. The world is so much more beautiful and complicated than I could ever properly perceive.

None of the people I was in a relationship with in my 20s had children. During my online dating phase, I talked to a couple people with children, but it never got to the point where I met anyone’s child. I still had not decided if I was actually okay with the idea of being with someone that had a child or children. It was absolutely hypocritical, considering I had a child myself, but all I could picture is a child telling me they hated me because I was not their mom.

Yes, I am now a stepmother. That’s been well known if you’ve followed my writing long enough. Before I jump into my experience as a stepmother, let me share a bit about my experience with my son having a stepmother.

My son’s father messaged me one day telling me he had a new girlfriend. I will leave out his exact wording, but it wasn’t great. I didn’t have an issue with the girlfriend aspect. I was happy for him. I did immediately react with frustration though. My son’s father was not a consistent presence for the majority of our son’s first six years. He saw him a handful of times, but there was a multiple year stretch where my son did not see his father in person. He also barely saw him on the phone. The lack of consistency bothered me. I would tell him he could call anytime, and he wouldn’t. I would tell him he could come see him, and he wouldn’t. I would invite him to things, and he wouldn’t be there. Sure, some of the issue was that we resided in different states, but in my opinion, you should be able to call your child, especially when I tried not to intentionally prevent him from the contact, outside of trying to set a consistent schedule at times.

After working with Child Protective Services (CPS), I knew it would never be in me to keep my son’s father from him. Generally, kids want to be around their parents, even when they don’t make the best choices. I knew my son’s father would not put our son in harm’s way. I made the assumption he would disappoint him, but I can’t function off of assumptions. Just like my mom did for me, I planned to let my son have the opportunity to build whatever relationship with his father that he wanted. Maybe he would make better choices. I prayed that he made better choices.

When I found out about my son’s father’s girlfriend being pregnant, I didn’t handle that as gracefully. I told him I didn’t want him shoving another child in our son’s face when he barely talks to our son. I told him he could call still, but I didn’t want him to mention the girlfriend or this child to him until he could be consistent himself. I caved pretty quickly. Who was I to prevent a relationship between my son and his brother? Not that his father called much more after that, but I do love the pictures of my son and his brother on Facetime. He never talked to his dad’s girlfriend on Facetime prior to meeting her, but it was never brought up, so I just kinda ignored it and honestly preferred it.

I absolutely had thoughts like “how you gonna have a child with a man that doesn’t even have a relationship with his other child?!” I met my son’s father’s girlfriend for the first time about a week before Thanksgiving, shortly after she gave birth to my son’s second brother. It was not really planned, but I think the spontaneity helped ease the anxiety about the situation. Honestly, she seemed delightful. I loved her energy, and she seemed so intelligent and kind.

It’s so easy to think negative thoughts about someone you don’t really know. It was so easy of me to judge her when I didn’t know anything about her circumstances or the kind of person my son’s dad was to her. My thoughts don’t really matter when it comes to her life. I didn’t see her again until Easter of the following year. She texted me randomly and asked if I wanted to bring my son to an Easter event, she planned to bring her children to. My initial thought was NOPE. My anxiety tried to overpower what was in the best interest of my son. I agreed to go and even brought my stepdaughter and one of her friends. It was a great experience. It helped that it was just the two of us. adult wise, and our partners were not present. I got to know more about her, and I continued to believe that she seemed like a great person. We shared similar education backgrounds, had a heart for foster care, and genuinely just had no issues with having something to talk about.

Since then, I’ve learned that my son’s dad is engaged to the woman I’ve been writing about. We text fairly regularly. She’s shown up for my son’s sporting events. She’s picked my son up and spent time with my son even when his dad was out of town. She’s shown the kind of person she is, and I’m grateful to have her in my son’s life. My son calls her mom now.

Oof, don’t freak out. I know some people are not a fan of stepparents being referred to as mom/dad. I was not a fan initially either. That was before I started to get to know her. That was before I had the chance to see her show up for my son. That was before I started to see more about what she’s experienced and understand her perspective. After hearing my stepmother correct people to make sure they knew I was her stepdaughter and not her biological daughter, I’m grateful that my son feels comfortable enough to call his stepmother mom. He talks more about her than his dad. He seems to be receiving love he deserves while in her care. I never want my son to feel even a fraction of the hurt I felt every time my stepmom distanced herself from me. I felt like I was trash that she had no other choice but to deal with. I wish I had been more understanding initially, but it was easy to pretend she didn’t exist and was an awful person when we lived in another state, never had contact, and I didn’t know anything about her.

My intention initially was to protect my son, but my impact was different. Had I been more understanding and calm, things could have gone differently. I centered my frustration, instead of centering my son. Sure, I didn’t prevent my son’s father from having contact, but I wasn’t the most receptive about the situation either.

My son’s dad still frustrates me. I haven’t always responded kindly, but I’m working on it. I’m trying to not be snarky, but it’s hard as hell. Coparenting is not for the weak. I need to be better about centering my son, instead of centering the hurt I feel when my son’s dad doesn’t do what I deem is right. I imagine my son is going to experience disappointment from me and his dad. It’s inevitable. We’re human and definitely don’t always do everything right. I am writing this because I don’t want to keep experiencing the negative emotions I feel when I think about coparenting with my son’s father. I don’t want my son’s stepmother to feel some type of way because I put her in the middle as if she is at fault for her partner’s choices. I know it’s going to take effort from all four of the parents involved with my son, but I can only control myself.

I’m writing this as accountability to myself. I want to always work on being a better person. I want to function with kindness. I want to center my children and help them to feel loved regardless of if I am still feeling some type of resentment. I hope my son’s stepmother knows how much I’m grateful for her. I hope she knows her worth as a person. I hope she knows that my son and I love her. I’m working on getting better at showing that to her even if I’m frustrated. As humans, we’re likely not always going to agree on things, but that doesn’t warrant disrespect. I’m hopeful for a future where we can all be in the same place and all my son feels is love and joy exuding from all four of his parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a stepmother. This experience inspired me to write this blog. Being a stepmother has helped fill in some of the nuance I missed from my experience as a stepchild. It makes me a little more frustrated but also a little bit more understanding. Frustrated because these children are amazing, brilliant, silly, clever, and bring sunshine to our lives, and I don’t understand why my stepmother didn’t seem to see that in me. Understanding because coparenting is hard, they sometimes do things that are challenging, and you’re limited as a stepparent in your ability to function fully how you would prefer as a parent.

I can’t speak to the experiences of my stepchildren’s mothers. I don’t know much about them. I don’t know what they’ve been through. I don’t know what trauma they may have experienced. I don’t know how my husband treated them when they were together. All I know is what I see now. Honestly, I’m straight up having a terrible time. I try to understand some of their emotions, based on my initial thoughts regarding my son’s stepmother, but it’s hard.

Each experience with meeting/getting to know my stepchildren has been different. The oldest one happened with such ease. I feel like we bonded fast and get along so well. The middle one happened unexpectedly. She came to reside with us full time due to an unforeseen circumstance. She’s a bit more reserved, but she started calling me mom basically from day one, and based on experience in foster care, we told her she could call me whatever made her feel comfortable but made sure her mother’s role was prioritized and she would always be her mother, regardless of the circumstances. The youngest one took a bit more time. We met at a park and had a great time. Based on her age, she didn’t fully understand who I was, but that wasn’t really important. We weren’t trying to have a conversation about roles, we just had fun with her. I feel we have a great relationship. I feel the relationships I’ve been able to build with my stepchildren all have been so much more than I could have pictured as a child never wanting to be a stepmother.

I know I could never hurt them like I was hurt. I know I could never make them feel less than like I felt. I know I could never intentionally cause them pain. I know that I will always prioritize them, just like I prioritize my biological son and adopted son. I know that I will show up for them just like I show up for my sons. I know that I will be there for them however I can.

Unfortunately, their mothers aren’t my biggest fans. Two of their mothers have texted that I am nothing to their children. I have been insulted with such vitriol that I sometimes start to question myself. It has been requested multiple times that I not be around their children, transport their children, or say anything to defend my husband because, again, I am nothing. My youngest stepchild tells me often that “My mommy says you’re not my mom,” she’s told my son, “My mommy says you’re not my brother,” and she’s told my husband, “My mommy says that this isn’t my home and that her house is my home.” These statements were all made randomly. Their mothers have actively tried to stop my husband from having contact with their children because I am around. They’ve lied multiple times and stand strong on the lies, even when evidence is shown to the contrary.

Again, I’ve tried to be understanding, but it’s hard. They claim their intent is to protect their children. But what about the impact? I see the anxiety in their children’s eyes when they accidentally call me mom and quickly correct. A scenario I feared might happen happened not long ago. My oldest saw a friend and their mom in public. During the conversation, the mom asked if the four kids that were with me were mine. At the time, I had my son and my oldest stepdaughter and then my stepdaughter’s best friend and her little sister. I said that my son and stepdaughter were mine and the other two were best friends. I saw my oldest stepdaughter’s eyes. You could tell she didn’t know what to do. She laughed and said she was kinda mine. I’ve talked to her about it since then and asked for her preference if that happens. She said she’s okay with me saying she’s mine. (Not exactly how she said it, she said she didn’t care either way, lol)

I don’t care what their mother’s think of me. Well, that’s not true. I actually do care, very much. I hate that they think negatively of me. I hate that there’s so much conflict all the time, for seemingly no reason. I hate that our children all will likely pick up on it if things don’t improve. I know they have pain I know nothing about, but I will never do to their children what was done to me. When they’re with me, I will always claim them as mine. I will never sit there and try to explain to strangers which child is biologically mine and which is only “mine” because I married their father.

Children don’t tend to know about intent. They only experience impact. They don’t know that their parents have feelings they know nothing about and that’s why they’re acting a certain way. They don’t know that maybe their mom or dad treated their other parent poorly and that’s why they’re speaking negatively about someone they love. They don’t know the significance of a title and that sometimes it feels some type of way to hear someone else be referred to as that title.

Kids are smart, but they miss out on the nuance. Kids just want to experience love. Kids don’t care about titles. They care about who shows up and loves them the way they need. I hug my stepchildren when they scrap their knee or something upsets them and they reach for me, just like I would my sons. I hear about their interests and dreams just like I do my sons. I tell them I love them, give them hugs and kisses, and tell them good morning and goodnight every day they’re with us. I sit in the audience of all their events. I do everything as if they were my own. I hope they always experience love and joy when they’re with me. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my stepmother. I wish I had a better relationship with my father. It hurts me to know that I likely won’t have a healthy relationship with them. What I can control right now is how I show up for my children. I know that I’m simply trying to love all the children I care for, whether that’s as a biological mother, stepmother, or the mom/stepmom of one of my kids’ friends. I know that I will do everything in my power to help my husband have the relationship his children deserve to have with him. I know that I will do everything I can to keep making efforts for my son to have a relationship with his father and stepmother.

For anyone who is a stepparent or is experiencing their child be around a stepparent, remember the nuance. Remember that our jobs are to center our children, love them the way they deserve, and surround them with others who love them just as much. I know it’s hard. I don’t claim to be perfect and have not handled everything how I should have. Try your best and do things with kindness. Hopefully things will work out!

I’m fully aware some people over step boundaries. Again, nuance. Assuming both parents are showing up how they need to show up, a stepparent loving a child isn’t going to cause any harm. I’m fully aware every situation is different and all people are different. Center your child/children, process any resentment/hurt you have for your child’s other parent, get to know the people in your child’s/children’s lives before judging, and things will hopefully be better for everyone.

I love all you beautiful humans! Keep showing up for those you love, but don’t forget to love yourself as well! Being a human is hard, but you’re doing great! (Unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, or intentionally causing harm because you’re mad, etc… then you need to be better)