Big Dreams and Big Struggles

Seeing my name across the front of a novel is the ultimate dream.  I want to trace my fingers along each of the letters in my name and spin in tiny circles, giggling to myself about achieving being a published author.

While I’m achieving my dreams, I also want to be mindful of the opportunity I may have to impact other’s lives through my content.  I don’t want to miss out on the chance to build a place for my readers to feel safe.  I don’t want them to read my book, feel happy for a few days, then go back to a potentially similar existential dread I feel most days. 

I’ve often thought about “blogging.”  I think I have things that are important to say and may be important for others to read.  I’ve also felt simply having a place to write about whatever I want would be amazing.  I am not up to date on what the world thinks is good blog content.  I do not know the purpose of every blog out there.  My understanding of its main purpose is to connect. 

I want to connect.  I want to impact others.  I want to use this chance I have to be a positive influence and make the most of it. 

We shouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves.  Whether you’re an almost 30-year-old aspiring author (like me!), famous, or plan to remain hidden from the eyes of most of the world, we deserve to be ourselves.  We deserve to share what we experience and not be afraid of what others think.  (If you’re racist, homophobic, or any type of person that is spreading hate then you need to seek help, and please, do not be yourself).  For the most part, we’re all trying to get through each day the best we can. 

If I published a book, became well known, and kept my struggles private, I would regret it daily.  I want people to know I have big dreams, but I also have big struggles.  I question if I am worthy of my dreams.  I question what my purpose is in this world.  I’m working hard to push through my internal battles to help others do the same because we are worthy no matter what others tell us or what we tell ourselves.

I share the following information to show a look into my brain, a look into my struggles. 

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(There are curse words below, fyi!)

The best pizza in the world is Totino’s Combination Party Pizza.  I will not debate this because I know it is true.  You don’t need to add anything but throw a little ranch and parmesan cheese on it, and it’s added perfection. This isn’t an ad, I simply love their pizza, haha!

It’s roughly 10 o’clock where I live, and I can’t stop thinking about throwing one into the oven.  The problem is, I had one for dinner about four hours ago.  Four hours seems a little bit more reasonable than if I ate it an hour ago, but I don’t feel hungry.  I legitimately can’t stop thinking about food.

My brain is actively attempting to convince myself to go eat this pizza.  Like, the rationales going on in my head are astonishing.  You skipped breakfast today, you can eat a bit more.  There’s only one left so you can finish it and then work on eating healthier tomorrow.  It has been a few hours, it’s okay to eat again. 

I’M NOT HUNGRY.  

I started this health management program recently.  My job advertised it as being covered by our insurance.  I went strong for about two weeks.  The videos are informative.  The videos are not judgy.  The videos are helpful.  I learned how to pay attention to when I’m hungry and when I’m eating for other reasons. 

So, right now, I know I’m not hungry.  I am sitting here with an internal monologue going back and forth about whether I should do something to better my life or sit and press play on the next The Flash episode and daydream about Carlos Valdes (Cisco).  I’m only on season 4 so please don’t tell me if something bad happens to him!  Carlos is pretty tempting, but I want to write.  I want to exercise.  I want to do something to work towards reaching my goals.  I haven’t figured out why I consistently choose lying around and doing nothing when it’s not what I want to do. 

This food battle has been ongoing for as long as I can remember, but lately seems much worse.  The internal arguments are occurring daily and the “good angel” on my shoulder is losing.  My “bad angel” side is creative with late night snack creations.  It makes anything sound appetizing late at night when I know it shouldn’t. 

I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.  I’m the most stressed I’ve ever been.  I’m the most dissatisfied with life I’ve ever been.  I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been. 

My therapist is consistently the one I spill out these frustrations to.  I don’t want to eat, but I do it anyways.  I literally hate myself in that moment, but I do it anyways.  I know this is against my health goals, but I do it anyways. 

I can’t, logically, figure out how to stop.  I can for brief periods of time but then I’m back being led by the “bad angel,” within weeks. 

I’m so easily thrown off by a stressful day of work, the downs of being a single parent, the seemingly forever sense of loneliness, the most recent hurtful words said by someone I care about, or the feeling that my life will always be the same and I’ll never achieve more than where I am in life right now.   

My brother had a shirt when we were kids that read, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  I heard a clip of a song on Tiktok by an artist that goes by Jordy.  The song is called “Sticks and Stones (feat. Charlotte Sands)” and is on Jordy’s album Mind Games.  One of my favorite lyrics in this song is, “…sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will fucking kill me…” The context is a little different, but the words are important. 

I’m not one to use curse words often but like the lyric in the song, it feels necessary.  Words fucking hurt.  WORDS HURT.  Words not only hurt when they’re directed at you in a negative context.  They hurt when they come from someone who is hurting and simply expressing themselves.  I am not able to forget things easily.  I cannot let go of seeing someone else in pain. 

I look into the eyes of hurting people daily.  My own eyes reflect pain each morning and each night.  My son’s eyes reflect confusion when I snap at him because I am struggling to manage the emotions going on inside of me. 

Today felt different.  I decided to sit down to attempt to edit another blog post, the intrusive pizza thoughts began, and I became angry.  I said to myself, “don’t you dare.”  “Don’t you dare take time away from your goals to do something you know is going to hurt you.”  Writing this blog post saved me today.  Today I made the choice to focus on my dreams and won the battle against the “bad angel” tempting me. 

I don’t anticipate this war ever ending.  Tomorrow will be another battle as I continue working to be healthier. 

I’m thankful for another chance to reach my dreams.  I’m thankful for everyone who may read these words and those who may not. 

If you’re struggling with similar battles or any battle, just know, I am here with you!  My website/blog and social media page are safe places!  Share your dreams and your struggles.  Life isn’t easy but you’re doing great!