238

It’s so odd how and when things can hit you. I realized the significance of the number 238 while working on a computer based training at my office.

The training was about the use of telehealth in therapy. Telehealth offers the ability to reduce barriers. People who can’t physically get to an office now have the ability to seek services. People who aren’t comfortable going in public now have the ability to seek services. People who have busy work schedules can easily access services when they are not able to go in person.

The point of this blog isn’t to dive into the benefits of Telehealth. I did want to mention a few positives, though, in case anyone was considering seeking services and potentially has these barriers.

If you’ve been following my content, you are likely fully aware that I have sought therapy in the past and met with one specific therapist for a little over four years while living in Texas. I adored my therapist, and I fully recognize his role in helping me get to where I am now. You are also likely aware my mental health status in Texas was not great. I have plenty of blogs that detail that if you want to check them out. I bring it up, because during a particularly rough time, my therapist and I discussed considering a psychiatrist. I met with one and took some medication. Blah blah blah. It didn’t help, but I’ve already gone through that in past blogs as well.

I’m finally at my point, haha! When I started meeting with my psychiatrist, I was about five pounds away from my highest weight. I weighed 238 pounds.

I’m going to take a moment and comment on the fact that this blog is not in any way to disparage that number. It’s not in any way attempting to speak negatively on people who weigh that much or more. It honestly has nothing to do with my weight at all when you really break it down.

It had to do with the mental weight I gave that number. I hooked on to that number and decided that medication would solve the problem. Medication would make it where I would be better and I would be able to lose the weight I had been wanting to lose for years. Guess what?! It didn’t work. My mental health continued to decline. I gained more weight. I hit my highest ever weight. I surpassed that weight by about forty pounds.

One of my first blogs commented on the struggle I have with food. A recent blog has similar sentiment as this one as well. I have no doubt that I will always struggle with food. I’m okay with that. I recognize what is difficult for me in this life, and I am working to function around it in a way that I can maintain happiness in this life.

I do want to lose weight. I have continued to work hard to lose weight. Today, I currently weigh 238 pounds. I hadn’t thought about the significance of that, until working through the training I mentioned. This week, I scheduled with my old therapist to begin therapy again. He’s now able to meet with some clients who reside out of Texas. I’m thrilled. I am not a big fan of telehealth, but it’s mostly because I prefer in person connection with people in general. When I began to think about meeting with my old therapist through telehealth, it clicked that I am the weight I was when I felt like I wanted nothing more than to no longer exist.

I wanted so badly for all of my problems to go away when I started medicine. I thought if I lost weight, it would be a sign that my mental health had improved, and I would be where I needed to be in life.

The truth is a number wasn’t ever going to be a measure for my happiness. I started bullet journaling consistently while at my highest weight. I started working diligently towards my novel while at my highest weight. I met my husband fairly close to my highest weight. While I still struggle with my mental health, I feel the happiest I’ve felt since I was a child living in ignorant bliss, still at a weight that bothered me so much in the past.

The weight was never the problem. There were numerous problems. I had limited support. I had a high stress job. I was a single parent. I was experiencing depression. I was misdiagnosed and my psychiatrist did not appear to understand how much trouble the symptoms of ADHD caused me. (I think she tried her best, so no shade to her)

I remember being frustrated yesterday when I weighed myself. I had been stuck at 238 for a number of days. Now that I think about it, I’m not even frustrated about the number. I’m frustrated that I get winded when I walk up a flight of stairs. I’m frustrated that I constantly feel tired, and I don’t always feel up for doing all of the things that our children want to do. I’m frustrated that I have headaches all the time. I’m frustrated that my body feels heavy, and sometimes it’s exhausting to exist. I imagine there are a number of things that contribute to those feelings outside of weight. My headaches have improved since I started ADHD medication. I don’t feel as exhausted when I get consistent sleep. When I’m experiencing less stress, I generally feel better.

It makes me sad that past Ariel focused so heavily on one number.

Being a mom has changed my perspective on my body and how I perceive health. It’s been such a therapeutic experience. I don’t focus as much on my physical appearance and focus more on how I feel inside. I love my body. It doesn’t matter what size I am. I’m grateful for each version of myself, and I hope to raise my children to value their minds more than they value what they look like on the outside.

Instead of “that food is junk.” I try to say, “that food gives your body less energy than other foods.” I tend to elaborate on what foods give energy and what foods don’t so the kids understand. Instead of “you need to eat more healthy food.” I try to say, “we need to eat more foods that give our body energy” and tie it into whatever they might need energy for that day (sports, playing at the park, schoolwork, etc.). Instead of “you need to eat this food because it’s good for you.” I try to say, “I understand you might not like it, but sometimes we have to eat some foods that aren’t our favorite so we can take care of our bodies.” I try to tell them it’s perfectly okay to want to eat things that give your body less energy, but it’s important to eat foods that give your body energy as well. If you only eat low energy food, you’re going to feel like you have low energy. That’s literally how I feel all the time, and I don’t want my kids to feel that way in life.

I can’t say that I’m perfect. Sometimes I slip up and call a food junk or say they’ve had too much sugar. But the point I’m trying to make is that as a society, we focus too much on what we look like and not enough on how we feel.

Enjoy your life at whatever size you are.

I really love the saying that if a person can’t change it in five seconds, you don’t need to be commenting on it. For example, if they have something in their teeth, let a person know. If they have toilet paper stuck on their shoe, let a person know. If their dress is caught in their pants, let a person know. However, there is never a circumstance commenting on someone’s weight or appearance is okay. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it in a blog somewhere, but WE DON’T TALK ABOUT PEOPLE’S BODIES. Please don’t make me talk to you like I talk to my children. If you’re an adult bully… why? Like, how is that fun for you? Does it make your life better in some way to belittle others? NOPE. Go fix whatever mental health struggles you have and leave people alone.

I digress.

You deserve to live a joyful life. Take the pictures at all the angles and happily post them. Wear whatever clothes make you happy. Love any other consenting adult you want to love. Life is so much bigger than a number on the scale. You’re worthy simply because you exist, not because you meet some standard society has tried to normalize.

Every body is different. Every body is beautiful. Every body is deserving of kindness. Every body is worthy of self love. Love yourself. You’re a beautiful person.

I am excited to get back into therapy. I don’t need it to the extent I did in Texas. I happily want to continue existing, and I am so thrilled for so much of what is going on in my life. However, I still deal with stress, and it’s nice to have support when dealing with it. I’m a stepmother now and having to deal with these sweet children’s mothers who disrespect me constantly for seemingly no other reason than existing, is exhausting. Being a mom/stepmom to five children in general is exhausting. I’m not fully where I want to be career wise and that stresses me out. I’ll happily be bringing back my rants about the state of the world that I’m sure my therapist missed, haha! Being a human can be a lot. Being a human is not easy. It’s okay to want and need therapy. If you’re questioning if you should go or not, please go! Don’t be afraid to try out multiple therapists. Not everyone is going to be a good fit, and that is okay. Hopefully you’ll find someone who is willing to support you as you figure out what works for your life. You are the expert in your life! Don’t be afraid to take control and do things that help your mental health!

I love all you beautiful humans! Be kind to yourself, you’re doing great! (Unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, sexist, etc. If you are those things, you’re not doing great. Please seek help.)