In 2017, an investigator from the Lubbock District Attorney’s Office sent me a message on Facebook. Here’s the message with some information redacted.
I remember exactly where I was when I received the message. I was at the Travis County court house waiting for a court hearing I had to be present for as a Conservatorship Specialist for Child Protective Services.
I honestly thought it was spam at first but this person’s Facebook page seemed legit and I used to reside in Lubbock, so something made me inquire further. I was at a table with an attorney when I got the message and asked their opinion. They suggested I call the number the person sent in the message.
I don’t remember the steps I took, but I do recall the outcome. It turns out, I was the victim of a crime.
I received an email from the investigator that included pictures he had obtained of me during his investigation of another case. Each picture was a picture of me naked.
The investigator informed me that the pictures he sent were pulled off a commonly used pornography site. He informed me that another person, whose pictures were also found on the site, saw them and notified the investigator about my pictures. This person was involved in an ongoing investigation regarding their pictures being unknowingly shared on this site and they thought I would want to know that my pictures may have been posted without me knowing as well.
Throughout ongoing conversations with the investigator, I learned that my ex-boyfriend had posted pictures of myself and the woman he dated prior to me on this pornography site. The reason it came to light is because my ex-boyfriend posted the other woman’s phone number along with her pictures and she started getting calls. Thankfully, my number didn’t get posted.
Also, thankfully, the woman saw my pictures and notified someone so I could be made aware. The investigator said my pictures were pulled from the site by his team once they confirmed I did not consent to the pictures being posted.
The investigator asked if I wanted to press charges. I wasn’t sure at first. I eventually stated I did. I was informed the process would not be easy as the law was tricky and it was supposedly only newly illegal for pictures of adults to be posted without consent. I later get a letter in the mail with a thick packet of papers I would need to fill out explaining my victims statement so I could explain how this would negatively impact me and a bunch of other stuff I don’t remember.
By the time I got this letter, I was a mother of a new born, I continued to work for CPS, and I was struggling with depression. No part of me wanted to fill out this paper. I never did. No one ever reached out to follow up. To this day, I have no clue if the other woman followed through with her case. I have no clue if my ex-boyfriend faced any criminal charges. I have no clue if he even was made aware it was a possibility.
I completely ignored it because I couldn’t face the reality of what it would mean if he did. I didn’t want to be associated with him. I had no ability or desire to have my name attached to the case or for anyone to find out what had happened to me.
I had hoped that maybe it would get buried, no one else would see the pictures, and I could move on with my life and that would be that.
Unfortunately, I eventually accepted that wouldn’t be the case. I have told every man I’ve seriously dated since about the situation. My husband knows that naked pictures of me are out there. I asked him if he would be okay being with me if I became a high profile published author and those pictures surfaced. That is the reason previous exes were made aware as well. I didn’t want any surprises popping up and for a potential future spouse to be upset that I never told them. My husband stated we would deal with it if that happened and acknowledged how horrific it was that someone would do that to me.
I continued to operate under the belief that I would only ever address it if someone else brought it up.
Seeing in the news that no one in the Epstein files has received consequences, a woman was sexually assaulted by seven men at a university and none of them faced legal consequences, and so many other horrific cases has set something off in me. I know that these situations are horrifically more intense than what happened to me. My body was violated in a different way. However, my staying quiet about my situation contributes to how men continue to get away with horrific acts of violence against women. People like my ex-boyfriend get away with something like what happened to me and then they become bolder.
I’m not going to stay silent anymore. I don’t care if those pictures surface because I post this. I don’t care if my name gets dragged because of this. I don’t care if I am never able to publish a book because of this.
I care about stopping patterns of violence. I care about protecting women’s bodies. I care about women feeling safe to function in society. I care about stopping people from taking advantage of others. I care about justice.
I am posting this to show others that things like this can happen. Some might not think about a partner sharing pictures of them online until it happens. One of the scary parts for me, when I learned about the pictures, is that I had no idea he had any of them. My ex-boyfriend had never once shown me or mentioned that he had these pictures of me in his possession. It was scary because I’m smiling straight at him in one of them. It looks like I absolutely posed for that picture. And maybe at the time I did potentially thinking it was a joke or something he would keep private. He never confirmed he had a naked picture of me.
This man took pictures of me, kept the fact that he had the pictures to himself, saved them even after we broke up, and then posted them online for others to see months after we broke up. How sick.
I think part of the reason I was embarrassed about this story getting out is because I was scared someone would find out I knew he had pictures of his ex-girlfriend at one point and never said anything to her. I was so embarrassed that I still continued in a relationship with him after finding pictures of her. It was early on in our relationship. I borrowed his laptop to work on a paper for a college class. I had saved something to his files and immediately when I went to open the files, I see an album of naked picture of his ex-girlfriend. They had broken up shortly before we started dating. He brushed it off as if he just forgot he had them. I believed him. I never saw the pictures again. I wasn’t a snooper so never really looked deeper than the initial area I saw them in. It is clear that he kept them considering he posted them years later after I ended my relationship with him.
I was also embarrassed for not recognizing the signs of concerning behaviors that he exhibited. I knew of a criminal case he had from a girl he dated in his high school/early college days. I’m not 100% sure on the timeline he dated her. All I know is that he keyed her car and did face legal consequences. He and his family brushed it off as being “young and dumb.”
No. This man clearly has a vengeful and concerning pattern of behavior, and I contributed to his behavior potentially being swept under the rug if the other woman’s case never proceeded.
I also was scared I might lose my job if the story became big news. I just had a baby and needed to support my child. I couldn’t afford to lose my job. I was also nervous that my clients would look at me differently if they found out about what happened and I was allowed to continue in my position. Would they believe that I didn’t consent to the pictures being posted? Would they believe I was capable in my position with something like this happening to me?
It’s 100% scary to report stuff like this. Who wants the whole world to potentially see naked pictures of themselves they didn’t consent to anyone seeing in the first place? Who wants to have their name tied to someone they despise potentially forever? Who wants to fight a legal battle they may not win even when the evidence is clear?
I didn’t. I am still nervous as I write this. I’m scared how it might impact me professionally. I’m scared how it might impact my children. I’m scared that I might be harassed more because I spoke up.
I can’t speak for anyone else if they decide to report behaviors like this. I can’t speak for someone who has been r***d (I think we all know what that word is). I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with the trauma of fighting someone who r***d you in court.
All I know is that if I can help someone feel more confident in reporting what happened to them, then I’m happy to post what happened to me. I don’t want any of my children to ever feel shame to report something that happened to them.
If you’re reading this, it does not matter what anyone says, if someone hurt you, r***d you, assaulted you, posted pictures of you, etc., it is NOT your fault in any way. You are NOT responsible for the actions of another person. If you consented to your partner taking or having pictures of you, that does NOT give them the right to share them further.
If you are not sure what to do, find someone you trust and talk to them about your situation. Tell someone! People are much more willing to help than you might think!
The United States protects perpetrators. We have one as president of the country for goodness sakes. The legal justice system is a joke and often protects the powerful more so than protecting the victims of crimes like this. It’s absolutely sick the crap that survivors have to deal with. I can’t promise that things will go well or that you’ll receive the justice you deserve if you tell someone or press charges.
What I can say is that, if we stay silent, things may never change. If you decide to stay silent, that is okay. You have to make the decision that is best for you. I am not attempting to place any shame in your direction. I’ve been silent for nine years. I’m hoping breaking my silence might lead to positive changes.
It feels worth the risk of whatever negative consequences might happen to me in the future.
I pray for protection over anyone who decides to speak out as well as those who stay silent. I pray for peace for anyone who speaks out as well as those that stay silent. I pray for justice to be served to anyone who has experienced a crime such as what I’ve described in this blog.
I hope that anyone reading this can still seek joy in their life even when things seem so dark.
