Ariel Pierce

Freely Given

I started to write this as a quick Facebook post, but I started writing more and more and believe it’s important to post through my blog. So, please enjoy!

I’ve been telling our daughter that she should be drinking more water while at school because her water bottle has been coming home at the same level since school started two weeks ago. She struggles to drink water in general because she prefers other drinks that we don’t tend to buy or allow our kids to drink. She also says she forgets, which is highly likely.

I told her it’s okay, and I’m only reminding her because water is important to keep our bodies healthy. Yesterday (the day prior to me writing these words) her water bottle was almost half empty. I told her she should be so proud of herself for working hard to drink more water. She said she tried to drink more so that I would be happy and proud of her.

My son was in the room for that conversation. He immediately chimed in before I could respond and said “You don’t have to do anything to make mom proud. She’s always proud of us.” I stumbled for a second. I know I tell the kids all the time what my son said, but it was the first time I’d heard it repeated in that way.

I told our daughter that she should be proud of herself for working hard to take care of her body. I reiterated that I’ll be proud whether the bottle is full or empty. I told her she does not have to work hard or do something specific to earn anything from me. I told her that the priority is for her to learn to take care of her body and love herself. She smiled and moved on to finish what she was doing when the conversation started.

I know the statement “I’m so proud of you” is so natural and feels like the right thing to say. A college professor I had for a few classes often would speak on the negative outcomes of that comment. He stated that children internalize that comment and believe they have to keep producing something or acting in a certain way to earn the approval of their parents. That stuck with me since.

I can’t remember if I’m doing things exactly as that professor recommended, but I’ve tried to turn all the focus on the kids. I’ve been telling Henry for a long time that “he should be proud of himself for… whatever it might be.” A few work trainings related to play therapy have also shown that pointing out a child’s efforts is most helpful. So, basically, “you have worked so hard to take care of your body.”

I really appreciate this thought process. I’m not a licensed provider, but I do have a Bachelor’s in Psychology, completed all but one class and the practicum portion of a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, have seven years experience as a Child Protective Services Conservatorship Specialist, and now continue work in the helping profession as a Targeted Case Manager.

Learning has always been my passion. I think people never noticed my symptoms of ADHD because I produced positive results. I had good grades. I was considered a “good kid” because my symptoms didn’t impact my schoolwork. Essentially, people were proud of me.

My son has struggled with his own ADHD symptoms and is often labeled in a negative way because his symptoms are more disruptive. His impulse control issues are a work in progress. Throughout his first two years of school, he didn’t have very many issues with doing the work if he was able to focus on it. However, children that are 5, 6, and/or 7 typically already have struggle focusing in general because they’re learning to adapt to school and a totally structured environment. His attention and behavior issues have caused him to get behind because he was pulled out of class, almost daily during kindergarten, for disrupting his peers. He now has an individualized education program (IEP) and this has helped exponentially with ensuring he is offered support based on his individual needs.

Throughout all this I started to become worried because he became increasingly frustrated about not being able to read some words he’s supposed to know or focus for very long when we would try to do any homework or other supportive work that wasn’t required but I thought would help. That was about the time when my statements really started focusing on ensuring he feels proud of himself and ensuring he understands that he’s not more or less worthy of love or more or less valued based on what he produces in school or in general.

Children don’t have to earn love. Love should be freely given! Children don’t have to do certain things for parents to be proud. Parents should be teaching their children to build internal love and pride for themselves. Most of what you address with them should be about teaching them to care for their body, their heart, and their mind. It shouldn’t be about teaching them to care more about earning love and pride from the people that should freely give it.

I’m grateful to know my son has taken my words to heart and knows I love him no matter what. I haven’t been in my daughters’ lives for as long, but I hope all of our children always believe the same!

Being a parent is hard! I’ve yelled. I’ve tried spanking my son a couple times. I’ve said rude things. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m perfect. I’m simply writing because I’m grateful for this positive parenting moment, and I want to document this for times I feel like I’m failing as a parent.

Don’t be too hard on yourself! Try your best and tag in your support network if you need help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help or taking breaks when parenting feels overwhelming. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it comes with inherent pressure. If you’re trying to be kind, loving, and are trying to teach your children the same things, that’s great!

(If you’re teaching your children to continue racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. beliefs then you’re not doing great. Get some help and be better!)

Face the Unknown

Around Father’s Day this year, I started to write a blog. I didn’t get very far, and it wasn’t sounding how I wanted it to sound. I planned to put something in writing about my then partner, as I tend to get my feelings out much better in writing. I wanted something tangible for him to see to convey how amazing he is as a man and a father. I decided to leave the blog as a draft.

As I wrote, I started to complain a bit about how I had not seen a father in action consistently during my life. I essentially insulted most of the people who have been a father figure to myself and/or my son to show how my husband far exceeds these other people. While it may be true, it really didn’t need to be said to convey my appreciation for him. I also didn’t feel the words were good enough to convey my message. I know my partner isn’t a reader and it was getting a little too wordy. I felt the message wasn’t what he needed to feel loved on Father’s Day either.

So, I did a few other cute things like bought us and the kids matching Father’s Day related shirts, had the kids pick out gifts (each kid had $10), and then made a video of the kids answering questions about their dad. It was a great day. I think it meant more to him than a blog about my feelings for him would have. I think he mostly enjoyed just having all of our babies around us and thought of the gifts as a nice bonus.

Why am I writing about this now? Great question. A little over a year ago, my coworker told me about her cousin. I wrote a journal entry that day that said the following: “Dating new people is scary because you’re facing the unknown. My coworker was telling me about her cousin today. He has three kids with three different women. That’s a no from me but I appreciate the thought. I hope to find someone someday but maybe it’s not meant to be for me.” My coworker mentioned me to her cousin the next day and texted me to see if I was potentially okay with her sharing my phone number with him.

My coworker is literally the sweetest person. She has such a bright personality and we match well on most of our beliefs. I thought hard about it and decided that her cousin couldn’t be that bad if he had such a good recommendation from an awesome person. She sent him my number and about an hour later he texted me.

That was a long way to get to the heart of my message. I’m there now, I promise. My coworker’s cousin and I got married exactly one month from the date I started writing these words. I’m still looking at the set of nails I got done for the occasion… it’s rough, I don’t know how to remove full sets easily, haha!

Anyways, the heart of my message is this: Face the unknown.

I was so close from missing out on such a beautiful future because of one statement my coworker made. Three kids with three women. Don’t get me wrong, that statement can be a red flag, but who am I to judge on words alone? On paper, I have been divorced, have a child from a relationship that was not my first marriage, and have a few other failed relationship attempts. None of that sounds great, the only difference is that it sounds less intimidating because I have two less children. I’m not screaming “green flag” by any means though.

I think everyone should be cautious when considering relationship partners. I think everyone is valid in whatever expectations they have for a potential partner. You absolutely need to be mindful of what being with a person who already has children may entail. My continued point is, it doesn’t hurt to explore your options, even ones that make you initially think “no thanks.” (I highly recommend considering your referral source, not everyone is looking out for your best interests and may not be a good judge of character)

No one can guarantee that a relationship will work out, but if you’re open to learning about a person, they may surprise you. In my situation, my coworker, now family, happened to be right in thinking we would be good together. My husband is the most patient and kind man I’ve known, outside of my grandfather. His communication skills are impressive. I’ve never communicated so effectively and compassionately with a man in my life. It’s been shocking and lovely to see the thought and care behind how he communicates with me. I’m not going to say it’s been perfect, but it’s the effort that matters most. He genuinely cares about healthy communication and I’m eternally grateful.

This man is truly my best friend. I know I’ve written about him before and said lots of nice things, but I wanted to sprinkle a little something about him in a blog in honor of the anniversary of the day we first communicated, the day we first met, our first date, and the day we began dating all having recently passed or are approaching.

This isn’t a love letter to my husband. I know he’ll read this, but it’s not directly pointed at him like my original blog idea was meant to be. I remind my husband as often as possible that he’s an amazing man, husband, and father. He doesn’t need to read this to know that. He also has my vows which are written down for him to read if he ever needs reminders about how I feel, if I’m not around to tell him.

While all these wonderful things about my husband are true and exciting, this blog isn’t all about him or relationships, that simply happened to be the easiest way I could bridge the topic. Facing the unknown is hard in general. Starting a new job. Interviewing to even begin considering a new job. Making friends. Deciding whether to become parents or have more children. Picking up a new skill you haven’t tried before. It could be as mundane as trying a different meal at your favorite restaurant.

There is so much fear and doubt that our brains latch onto and it’s often debilitating. There must be something we can do. I truly don’t have all the answers. If you’ve been reading my content for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m mostly out here winging it. I’m trying my best and hoping it’s good enough.

However, what I do know is that I’m talented with words. I have the ability to put hopeful content out into the world. I share my personal experiences with the hope that someone can relate or that my words might improve someone’s mental health or outlook on themselves.

I’m not out here simply to boast about my sweet husband or talk about how my life is all rainbow and sunshine. It’s not. My husband is definitely sunshine in all the chaos and darkness we have to deal with in our lives, but it’s not easy simply because my husband has the skills and desire to communicate well.

Face the unknown! Do the hard thing! Believe in yourself! Believe in others! Take a leap of faith! There are so many ways to share the same message. Things may sound scary and might be risky, but they may be the very things that change your life in a positive way that you never expected.

I know how hard it is to believe good things can happen (I literally have a blog all about that). However, I do know that things won’t change if you aren’t willing to face the unknown. You have to keep moving forward. You have to believe that good things can happen and doing new challenging things may be the only way to get to some of these good things. Finding joy has not been easy for me. There are days where I want to scream into the void and escape into some random fictional world forever. However, I know that things have the potential to improve, and I happened to be blessed by taking a chance to get to know someone that sounded outside of my comfort zone.

The state of the world right now is scary. Very little is inside our comfort zones anymore. You’re doing your best. There is no pressure, and you have to do what you feel is right for you at the end of the day. I’m simply here to remind you that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are worthy of feeling joy and loving yourself. You are worth taking chances and facing the unknown!

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I don’t want to add any cynicism to this blog, but I do highly recommend knowing yourself and considering your support. I do not, in any way, want to imply that you shouldn’t be cautious in choosing a relationship partner simply because my relationship is going well despite my initial thoughts. Recognize the patterns you take in relationships, go to therapy and process any trauma or unresolved issues that may impact your decision making, and recognize your worth and that you deserve to be treated with so much love and respect. It truly isn’t hard for someone to be kind, to respect you, and to love you the way you deserve. Relationships take work and effort, but love, kindness, and respect are literally the bare minimum a person can offer. If you’re not getting even that, I would recommend looking at what your options are to leave the relationship or pursue healthy interventions, like therapy, to address any issues.

Don’t Have Children

I recently read a journal entry from July of 2018 where I wrote that I’m a kick ass mother. I stared at it in shock. I didn’t know that I ever felt that way about motherhood. While living in Texas, “Don’t have children” came out of my mouth so many times. I advised all the teens I worked with, those who fantasized about having children and made statements about wanting children soon, that I recommend they reconsider. When my sister and her husband were talking about having children, I looked at her, with my eyes big with seriousness, and told her not to do it. (She just gave birth to her second child, so she didn’t listen, haha!) I joked often about how I would return my son if I could.

In July of 2018, I still had hope. There were a few complications, but I hoped at some point in the future, my son, his father, and I would all be together and live happily ever after. I ended that relationship sometime in 2019.

Days passed, and the stress of single motherhood continued to take its toll. Being everything for my little human with no in person family support sucked. My son started to have behavioral challenges that I couldn’t figure out how to manage easily. Work obligations and the pressure of having to make recommendations on the outcome of a person’s life ate away at my internal strength and positivity. I felt trapped at my job. I needed the money to ensure my son was taken care of despite it not being what I wanted to do long term.

I started therapy shortly after ending the relationship with my son’s father. I told my therapist the honest truth. I wanted to be Henry’s mom, but I didn’t want to be a mom at that time. I wished I could have had Henry at a different time. I wished I could have had Henry with a different man. I wished I could have had Henry with a committed partner in a marriage. I wished I could have had Henry after I finished my master’s degree and had my dream job.

I want to take a moment to thank my therapist. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what my life would look like right now. I was scared to be honest with someone about not enjoying being a mother. I never saw one ounce of judgement from my therapist. The validation and commitment to help me through that time of my life was remarkable. I’m grateful he saw the whole picture and helped me see that, while I am a mother, motherhood is not my entire identity and it doesn’t have to be.

The fact at that time was that I had Henry, and I had to show up for him. He’s a phenomenal child and didn’t deserve to have any unnecessary issues in his life because I made a choice to bring him into the world when I did.

I continued in therapy up to the time that I moved in 2024. I got my son to all appointments he needed to help address his needs. I read books and sought out evidence based research to help change any behaviors of mine that may have been negatively impacting my son.

After I moved, I found a less stressful job. Henry’s behaviors improved. I had family support again. I felt so much ease in parenting when I wasn’t totally alone anymore. Things were looking up!

A little under a year ago, my coworker introduced me to her cousin. Honestly, when she told me about him, I said I’m not interested based on the fact that he had three children.

The idea of being even a part time caregiver/parent figure to three other children terrified me after the struggles I went through navigating motherhood with one child.

Also, I had a stepmother growing up, and I don’t really have any positive memories of my time with her. She would tell people that I’m my siblings’ step sister instead of their half sister. That hurt my entire soul. It felt like she never wanted to claim me in any type of motherly way.

I never wanted to be a stepmom because I didn’t have any good memories with mine. I’m not out here trying to bash her. She’s married to my dad, and now that I’m an adult and recognize how terrible he can be, I think she likely did the best she knew how to do. I also know I didn’t make things easy.

Thankfully, my coworker took the chance and connected her cousin and I anyways. She’s an absolutely amazing human, so how could I not give someone a chance that she believes is a good person.

After meeting my partner’s oldest daughter, I knew my life would change forever. Hearing her amazing laugh and getting to be present for her incredible curiosity and creativity is my favorite.

It was never that I didn’t want to be a mother. It was never that I didn’t find joy in being a mother. It was simply that I lacked support.

I loved so many kids during my time as a Child Protective Services (CPS) caseworker. I would have done anything to help those children live the lives they deserve to live. I knew humans are capable of loving so many people after being a part of so many children’s lives. While love doesn’t necessarily always mean a person is capable of parenting children, I know that I am.

I am a kick ass mother. Thankfully, I have my momma around. I am in a beautiful relationship with a man I almost never met because of my fear. My partner’s family is incredible. I have an amazing church family. I have best friends in the area, that I’ve been friends with since middle school, that I know I can count on. I have the support every mother deserves to have when they’re raising a child or multiple children. I’m not saying that a relationship is necessary, but in my case it has been a beautiful bonus. Support can come in many ways.

I don’t want to down play the support I had in Texas. So many people stepped up for me and I’ll be eternally grateful for those people. Find the people that make parenthood a little easier regardless if they’re family or not! Generally you’ll find people that feel like family even if they’re not blood relatives.

I’ve now met my partner’s other two children. One lives with us full time. It’s been amazing getting to know all three precious extensions of my partner’s heart.

Being in a parent role to a child you didn’t birth is such a new experience. It’s different than being a supportive person or a caseworker. You want to make sure you help them grow to be kind adults. You want to make sure they have everything they need to thrive in life. While you want these things for all kids, you’re the starting point for your child as a parent, where you’re not as a support person. I’m grateful to be a part of my partner’s children’s lives.

I’m also now experiencing my son interacting with his father’s partner.

When I ended the relationship with my son’s father, I knew he would likely have another mother figure in his life at some point. In Texas, it was easy to ignore when he began a new relationship. We lived so far and his father and his father’s partner never visited. The first time my son went to his father’s house when we were visiting Kentucky, I had not yet met his father’s partner. I had a lot of negative thoughts but never voiced them because my emotions don’t really matter when it comes to my son’s relationship with his father. I never want my son to feel I prevented him from having a relationship with his dad.

Since moving back, my son has spent more time with his father and his father’s partner. We went to Walmart prior to Mother’s Day to finish up shopping for the mothers in our lives. My partner and I were helping his oldest daughter pick out gifts for her mother and Henry said, “You know who is a mom?”

He said his father’s partner’s name and asked to get her gifts. I said “That’s a fantastic idea! She will love that!” I let him pick out what he wanted for her. I felt a little weird about it because some of the gifts he wanted, based on his still developing reading skills, were gifts that I didn’t feel suited their relationship. When you see your child point out something that says, “Best Mom Ever,” and that gift isn’t going to you, it is weird. I’m not going to sit here and say I wasn’t a little uncomfortable, but I tried my best to not show it.

I will do whatever I can to help facilitate my son’s relationship with his father and his father’s partner. If someone is willing to show my child love, who am I to try and interfere? His father’s partner has been nothing but kind to my son and I’m grateful he enjoys being in their home. What more could a parent want then for their child to feel safe and loved everywhere they go?

There are so many aspects of parenting that you may not think about until you’re experiencing whatever it is in the moment. You typically don’t think about coparenting when you’re happily in a relationship. You don’t think about being a single parent until you find yourself in that situation. You don’t think about being a step parent. You don’t think about yourself watching your child go spend time with their other parent and the parent’s partner.

I currently find myself in a parenting role I didn’t expect eight years ago when I began working at CPS. I’m in the process of attempting to gain permanent custody of a child I happened to be a caseworker for during my time at CPS. I can’t predict the future but when you hear your kid say “I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for you,” all I can say is that this child will always have a place in my heart regardless of the legal status.

Going from being a parent who wished in the past that she could go back and not be a parent at the time I did, to now being a parent/bonus parent/parent figure to five children is wild.

I don’t think anything could make me feel any more trusting of God’s timing than this. I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I’m grateful He trusts me to play a role in these children’s lives!

I still think back on what I suggested to the children I worked with, my friends considering children, and my own sister.

I don’t necessarily disagree with what I said, but I definitely lean more now on trusting God’s timing. I still recommend truly considering your circumstances, the competence of your partner in a parenting role, and whether you feel mentally ready to be a parent before you make that choice.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard when you’re experiencing depression to see an outcome that goes well. Postpartum depression is also a common diagnosis for mothers. It’s okay to not always be one hundred percent confident or happy in parenthood. It’s okay to struggle and wish things could be different.

I highly suggest seeking support. If you’re feeling this way, you likely need more support. I will always recommend additional support for anyone struggling. Whether it is more time spent with friends, more time spent with family, counseling support, medication management, or anything else to help address your needs, it’s okay. You deserve support and you are valid in asking for it.

Parenting isn’t easy even with the best support. God trusted you to be a part of a child’s life, regardless of however it is that you are a part of that child’s life. Trust that God knows what He is doing and give yourself some grace.

Juneteenth

I started recording a video with the thought that society makes me so angry, and I wish people could see all the wrong that is happening.

(Video posted to my Instagram on 6/19/25 @ authorarielpierce)

The fact is, people can see it.

I didn’t have a script planned out when I started the video, I just started talking. I cut it off because I realized I said what I needed to say.

People in my community growing up didn’t prioritize Black history. People in my community growing up didn’t care about Black people. I was taught to not be mean to Black people but to definitely not date/marry them because life would be hard for me and any children that might come from that relationship.

I said what I said in my video without fully knowing the wording in which it would come out. “Nobody’s looking.” That’s the reality of my childhood. No one I knew was out in my community building connections to Black people, no one was out trying to learn and understand Black history, no one cared about how Black people were treated in history, how they were treated at that time, or how they might be treated in the future.

Honestly, I live back in that same community now as a 32 year old with a Black child. I’d be hard pressed to say that things have changed.

I get angry about the government daily. I get angry about how people truly think President Trump is making good choices. I get angry everyday thinking that people don’t see all the racism rampant in our society.

The reality is, they see it. They know it’s out there. They just don’t care. And let me be clear, when I say they, I mean White people.

White people are perfectly happy feigning ignorance. They’re perfectly happy justifying their actions behind their twisted interpretations of biblical scripture. They’re not voting the way that prioritizes the wellbeing of humans in general because they don’t care.

I see video after video of people explaining, with research and evidence, all the reasons the political climate is racist and just plain evil, and White people don’t care.

If something makes a White person uncomfortable, they’re going to avoid it. They’re going to pretend it doesn’t exist. They’re going to call the people making them uncomfortable the problem instead of taking accountability.

It wouldn’t matter if my video went into the history of Juneteenth. It wouldn’t matter if my video explained all the terrible things people have said and done to harm Black people. It wouldn’t matter to the White people in my community if my video went into detail about the things people have said about my Black child or his Black father.

White people will find a way to justify their actions because they don’t care what happens to others. If they did, they’d prove it. If they did, They wouldn’t stay silent. If they did, their circles wouldn’t only be filled with people that look like them. If they did, they wouldn’t be trying to prevent Black history from being taught. If they did, they’d vote for people advocating for change and actually supporting Black people.

I end the video saying that I’m failing my child. I am. The fact that I didn’t know what Juneteenth was until a month before I found out I was pregnant is embarrassing. I have so much more work to do regarding parenting a Black child. The fact that I don’t know Black history the way that my Black child deserves is unfair to my child.

I don’t want to post videos begging for people to see the evil. I’m not even going to try. I know that White people see it. I’m not going to beg people to care when it shouldn’t require begging to be a decent human.

Black history is important and I wanted that to be clear on my platform. Trying to pretend like slavery didn’t happen or that racism is long gone is pathetic and cruel. No matter how much this political administration tries, you cannot erase Black history. If you voted for this monster, you’re complacent in what is happening and if that statement makes you uncomfortable, good.

Losing When You’re Winning

I’m new to navigating a healthy relationship. When you haven’t seen a consistent example in action, and none of your past relationships even came close, it’s not really a surprise.

Sometimes I sit there and wonder how this man responds so calmly when I bring up something that is bothering me.

I look at his sweet face, and all I can think about is that I don’t want to hurt him.

In most past relationships, when I would bring up something bothering me, it didn’t really do me much good. I ended up arguing with them and simply thought about how to come up with a better come back to “win” the argument.

During a conversation with my partner recently, he said “I feel like I can’t win.”

I literally said, “Let’s just go to sleep then. I don’t know what else to say.” We ended up talking a bit more and went to sleep despite still not having fully resolved the issue the way we would like.

My partner’s statement stuck with me. I don’t think he intended it the way I did when I wanted to “win” in past relationships. He was basically saying, I don’t know what to do. He stated that he was frustrated because he felt I didn’t think he was trying to address what we were discussing.

It’s not that I didn’t think he was trying, it’s that he wasn’t trying the way that I thought he should.

That thought process helped me realize I was expecting something without ever telling him everything that I was expecting.

Since we’ve been together, we’ve gone on many adventures together and typically end up doing something fishing related. This man adores fishing. He thrives outdoors. He is also talented at car repairs and likes cars in general. He’s the kind of man that likes to be moving. He’s not a sit still type of person. We’re always out and about doing something together. I’ve had an absolute blast.

When we’re out galavanting, the kids are typically able to find something entertaining to do. My hobbies typically involve sitting still for long periods of time. They’re not ideal for my partner and kids who love to be moving.

There’s not really a way to make writing and reading a fun family activity when no one else is as passionate about those activities like I am. Sitting still for long periods of time isn’t exciting when you’re a kid, even if they do happen to enjoy a book.

So, I started noticing that I wasn’t paying as much attention to my personal goals related to writing and reading. It’s easier to let my hobbies/passion get pushed to the sidelines so we can do activities as a family. It started to make me a little disappointed seeing all the red pop up on my bullet journal tracking pages.

I also started to feel a little bit like my interests weren’t as important. I honestly started getting a little salty about it. The problem is, I never once said anything. I realized it was a bigger issue than I thought when my partner said he didn’t want to swim one day when we had the opportunity to swim. Like… what do you mean you don’t want to swim? YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO (capitalized for emphasis). I definitely didn’t yell it. I just looked sad and texted it to him in a much nicer way as I got my bathing suit on in the bathroom, and he was in the other room with the kids.

He was baffled. He had no idea where that came from. I never once mentioned that I was bothered about anything. I wasn’t even specific about what that statement meant. He just thought I was upset about him not wanting to swim that day. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t want to swim, but the bigger issue was that I’d been letting my writing and reading interests be on the back burner while we went out and did random activities with the kids, that happened to typically end with us doing something fishing related.

I somehow turned it into a competition of some sorts about whose interests were more or less important. He didn’t even know we were competing. I happily suggested activities. He’d researched World’s Largest miscellaneous items and helped me cross off items on my bucket list. I literally enjoyed every minute of everything we’d done together. There wasn’t anything wrong with what we had done. He really had tried to fit in things I liked to do, it just wasn’t reading or writing related.

I wanted to fit in more writing and reading time and wasn’t communicating that effectively. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been talking to him about getting more involved in my hobbies/interests. The only specific thing I suggested he do is like my author Instagram posts.

Throughout this time, I started to see videos related to World Book Day saying something along the lines of “don’t forget to buy a book and a rose for your book lover on this date.” I sent like four to him over the period of a couple days. I knew he knew what day it was. I even had my mom casually mention it to him, haha! The day came and I didn’t get a book or a rose.

Oh, man! I was hurt. I brought it up to him and he said something along the lines of, “I stared at the books, I got overwhelmed, and didn’t know what to get you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” So, of course I’m like, JUST BUY A BOOK, HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT? (capitalized for emphasis). I didn’t say it like that, and that was the day we had the conversation I mentioned above that led me to want to write this blog.

The reality is, his hobbies are much easier when it comes to being the partner of someone with those interests. I literally show up, take pictures and videos of him, and hype him up when he catches a fish or fixes a car with a complicated issue. There’s very little effort involved. It’s the least I can do to show him love.

Buying books isn’t as easy as I make it out to be and requires much more effort from a person. Of course I can exchange a book if I already have it, but I know my partner wants to try and get me something I’m going to like and I don’t already have. There’s an overwhelmingly large amount of books to choose from. Even I have choice paralysis, and I know what I’m typically going to like and what books I have or haven’t read yet.

So, I decided I can’t be mad at him when I haven’t fully explained to him what I need related to this topic. I love this man, and I don’t want us getting frustrated with each other when we can go about things in a healthier way.

I’m no longer going to say things like, “I want you to take more of an interest in things I like.” That seems like a decent statement, but it’s actually quite vague. It doesn’t really explain what I need or how he can go about it in a way that ensures I feel loved. Vague statements are not helpful in a relationship. Something that seems obvious in your head may not be in your partners.

There’s nothing wrong with being specific. If you’re specific and things still aren’t getting better, then you may need to have more conversations. For the sake of this blog, I’m going to share with y’all the note I created for my partner in an effort to be specific and help him navigate something he’s not used to navigating. The next bit of my blog will be screenshots of the note.

My partner is incredibly thoughtful. He knows how overwhelmed I get with planning and preparing meals and cooks amazing food for our family often. He always asks about my day, sends me funny/romantic videos randomly, and genuinely seems to care about connecting with me about how I’m doing. He drives most places we go because he knows I hate driving. He enjoys shopping with me and always wants me to tag along to any random errands. I’ve never met someone who seems so excited to have me around, outside of my mother, haha! He’s a truly phenomenal person and father. There’s so many things he does that I wasn’t conveying to him because I was hyper focused on the one area that was being unintentionally neglected. Based on how he treats me, I should know he would make an effort to address what I needed if I communicated effectively, but I wasn’t doing that.

This sweet man of mine has already taken multiple steps thanks to this note. He was able to pick out two books for me and threw in flowers for good measure. We also went to an Indie Bookstore on Independent Bookstore Day. That one wasn’t on the list though, so I definitely surprised him with that one in the middle of the day once I realized what day it was, haha! He was a good sport and even surprised me by grabbing a pen he thought I’d like! He also read the first chapter to my novel despite it being a little awkward for the both of us. (My novel involves two of my past relationships, so yeah, a little awkward).

Anyways…

I’m grateful to have a partner that cares about me enough to listen to me share my feelings, is willing to talk through complicated conversations, and is willing to make adjustments to ensure I’m feeling loved and cared for.

I always want him to feel that he can communicate his needs to me as well. We should always have the same level of comfort with sharing our thoughts and feelings. If we aren’t creating that environment for each other then we have work to do!

(Y’all, I promise I treat this man like the king he is! Haha! This is just something that we’ve been working through, and I recognize my flaws in how I handled it. I adore this man and do everything in my power to make him feel loved and valued as a man, partner, and father!)

It can be uncomfortable, but it’s important to communicate with your partner. You may not always get it right, as you can see that I struggled to communicate effectively for a bit, but keep trying!

I didn’t share this without my partners permission. I talked to him about putting this out there to possibly help others. I don’t know if others will find it helpful, but I wanted people to know that we all struggle at times, even in healthy relationships. Relationships aren’t easy, they take work, communication skills, a willingness to admit when you need to make adjustments, and a willingness to follow through with those adjustments.

You gotta figure out what works for you and your partner. There’s no one right path to healthy communication. Writing helps me. I’m not as good at verbally communicating, as you can tell by me sending a text in the bathroom or needing to write out the note above, haha! Do whatever works for you to ensure you prioritize showing love to your partner!

Being a human is hard! Relationships are hard! Keep love in your heart, move forward with showing love as your primary goal, and you’ll hopefully be alright! You’re doing great! I love all you beautiful humans!

Carlos

The only person that’s coming to my head, that I’ve actually met in person, with the name Carlos is a college professor I had back in the day.

I’m not writing about that professor. Although, I do hope he’s doing well! I always enjoyed his classes.

Anyways…

I’ve had this blog on my mind for the last week or so. It’s been my favorite radio station’s annual spring pledge drive this week and last week. The station is funded by listeners who donate to help prevent the station from needing advertisements to fund their station.

I’ve been listening to the K-LOVE radio station for probably about 25 years. I remember my brother and I convincing our mom to donate to them when we were kids.

I’ve always found the station comforting, and it’s been the primary station in all the cars I’ve driven since I started driving at 16, 16 years ago.

If you’ve read either of the blogs I posted related to music, you’ll already know I’ve mentioned K-LOVE before.

(Those blogs are “10 Songs for Mental Health Support” and “Love Through Music.” Check them out if you want to learn about some wonderful songs played on K-LOVE!)

I’m writing this blog because of Carlos, a DJ on the morning show for the station. My son asked me the other day what Carlos looked like. I found it interesting that he only asked about Carlos despite having listened to most of the other K-LOVE DJs for pretty much his whole life.

I told him I had a picture of Carlos hanging in my room at home that I would show him later as we were driving at the time that he asked that question. I did eventually show him the picture, and he said cool and then moved on.

A few years ago I donated to the station and they sent me one of their K-LOVE tshirts (that I’m coincidentally wearing as I write these words) they give away during the pledge drives and a thank you card that just so happened to be a picture of Carlos.

I hung it up on my motivation board back in my apartment in Texas, and it’s still on the board in my home in Kentucky to this day.

I posted a picture of the board on my author Instagram early on. It’s much more chaotic these days but brings me immense joy. I can almost guarantee I’ll be posting an updated picture on my author Instagram when I publish this blog, so go check it out!

The reason I added Carlos to the chaos of my motivation board is because he kind of changed my life. Again, I’ve always loved K-LOVE and have laughed and cried to many other things other DJs have said, but there was something about Carlos joining that shifted things for my brain.

Google says Carlos joined K-LOVE in August of 2022. That sounds pretty accurate for my brain shifting timeline.

I specifically remember Carlos starting on the afternoon show, and that was typically when I would listen the most back at that time. I’ve never met him in person but the sincere genuineness that came through the radio helped me so much.

I went through a divorce back in 2014/2015, and its impact led me to make many choices I long regretted. When Carlos started, I remember him speaking about going through a divorce from his first wife. He shared pretty much exactly how I felt. He felt ashamed and that so many made him feel like a failure because he wasn’t able to make the marriage work.

I don’t remember his exact words, but I know I no longer felt like a failure. It helped me shift my mind to focus on how I did the best I could at the time. Carlos reminded me how loved I am by God regardless of what choices I’ve made.

Since then, he’s continued to share vulnerable stories and seems like a genuine person that cares about those who are reached by K-LOVE. I’m not writing these words simply to thank Carlos for how he’s helped me. That’s definitely part of it, but it’s more than that.

My partner shared with me recently about talking to someone about church. It meant a lot to him that someone sought him out over others to have that conversation. It brought me joy to witness his joy.

It reminded me that sometimes you don’t realize how someone or something can impact your life.

I never imagined as a young child when I started listening to K-LOVE that I would be writing a blog about a radio DJ I’ve never met. My partner did not realize that some of his choices would lead others to talk to him about church and God in general.

I’m writing this blog to help others pay attention to the little things. Pay attention to the people around you. Pay attention to the things in your life that are consistent even if you don’t always recognize your gratitude for them every day.

Whatever path you’re on could lead you to stumble across someone or something that has the potential to change your life in the best way. We are all so unique and beautifully different. It may not be K-LOVE or Carlos that helps you. It may not be a friend that you see often. It could literally be anything and that’s wonderful!

Anything that helps you in this journey through life is something to be celebrated! I wanted to take this moment in my life to be grateful for the life that I’m living and to encourage others to keep moving forward!

Life is so hard! It’s never going to be easy but there are so many opportunities for joy! You are so loved by so many even if you don’t realize it at times!

Find your Carlos! Find your K-LOVE! Find joy and cling to it on the tough days! I’m here if you need a listening ear or a comforting page to seek out in times of stress. You’re doing great!

ATTENTION, ATTENTION

I’m literally writing this because I want attention. I want people to read my words. I want people to validate me as a writer. I want people to tell me I’m talented. I want people to share with their friends and family to make me go viral. I’m begging for attention. Please pay attention to me.

My partner discussed with me a book that helped change his life. The book is called, The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. He thought it would be cool if I read it too. I started reading it, and I think it’s starting to change my life as well. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve picked it up. I’ve been trying to catch up on my book club books, so I’ve neglected finishing it. Regardless, what I’ve read so far has started to change me.

On the cover of the book, it has a subtitle stating: “Living free from the deadly trap of offense.” What is offense you ask?

What if I said, “Ugh, people are so easily offended nowadays, you can’t say anything anymore.”

Do you understand now? Basically, it’s whatever offends you. People say that statement all the time to try and make others feel bad about standing up for themselves.

I’m going to preface anything I say further by stating I will not tolerate racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobia, etc.. I will always recommend standing up and addressing those types of behaviors immediately. No one has the right to try to make you addressing these types of behaviors seem trivial or like it’s “only a joke.”

The offense in the book is a little different. It’s about the things we let eat away at us. It’s the family trauma we’ve had to deal with. It’s the dumb things our coworkers may have said or done. It’s the things we hold on to and let become a part of us.

Let me explain a little more.

1. A coworker I had in the past made a choice that angered me for the longest. They apologized to me and I straight up said, “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t accept your apology.” I thought so many negative thoughts about that person, and was grateful when they ended up quitting. I wrote so many emails to prove how I was right and they were wrong. I filed a formal complaint about their behavior. I told everyone that wanted to listen how their actions were unacceptable and how much they had wronged me.

2. My child’s father makes choices that anger me. I have made Facebook posts commenting on how he’s a crappy father. I’ve messaged his family screenshots with evidence to his poor parenting choices. I’ve messaged his partner to attempt to explain how poor his relationship is with his child. I’ve used curse words and said mean things in past communication because he did it.

3. My ex husband made choices that inspired a book idea I wanted to write to ensure no one else stayed in a relationship like ours. I wanted people to know that I was justified in divorcing him.

4. My dad made choices that resulted in me blocking him about three years ago. I’ve said in conversations with many people how terrible of a person he is.

In all four of these situations, I made choices with the thought that I was justified because they did something terrible to me first. I justified everything I have done because they were wrong, and I’m simply an innocent person who has been wronged.

The book I mentioned kinda checked me and pointed out how my choices are actually hurting me. I’m living with these feelings of offense. I was offended, so I think I need to defend myself.

Living with all these things that hurt me and trying to hurt them back, while maybe not as literal or serious, is still only hurting myself.

Here’s what I’ve gotten out of each of the situations, making the choices I’ve made:

I got a reprimand because my employer thought I was trying to retaliate. The action that my coworker made was not reversed. I had to switch units and a few of my other coworkers stopped communicating with me.
Literally nothing. He’s still making the same choices. His partner blocked me. His family rarely reaches out to our son. Nothing has changed.
Literally nothing. A book idea that hasn’t gone anywhere because I was writing it out of anger doesn’t do me much good.
Literally nothing. I think I even got taken out of his will, if the rumors are true.

We sometimes react the way we do seeking attention. We want people to validate us. We want people to say, wow, you’re so right. We want people to trash talk the person we’re mad at. We want people to feel what we’re feeling. We want people to be on our side in a conflict.

In those moments, we’re not seeking anything but something for ourselves. It doesn’t matter how our choices impact others.

If I started all of my content with something along the lines of my first paragraph, would people want to continue reading it? Probably not. They would probably start thinking that I’m annoying. They would question the quality of my work if I have to beg people to read it. They would be turned off. The same goes for the situations I mentioned and situations like it.

If I always spoke negatively of a coworker I didn’t get along with, would coworkers want to associate with me? No. People would distance themselves out of fear that I would do something to impact them should something bother me.

If I posted all the time about the type of father my son’s father is, would people think positively of me consistently? No. They’re going to start calling me bitter and start questioning what I’m doing to prevent my son’s father from being around. They’re going to assume he doesn’t want to deal with a crazy baby momma.

If I wrote a book out of anger, would people actually benefit from it? Probably not. I’m sure there would be something in it that someone would resonate with, but is it what someone actually should? Am I writing something that will help heal a person’s heart, or am I writing something that would fuel a person’s anger and to continue in their feelings however they want?

If I continue to trash talk my father, will I be able to effectively support clients that are trying to repair relationships with their children or parents? No. I’ve already felt the impact of my choices on a client I work with. They want to repair the relationships with their children, but don’t know where to begin. Inside I’m thinking their children probably have a reason to be so angry, but I know very little about their upbringing to make that assumption. The book I mentioned before has checked me on this, and I’ve at least unblocked my father even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to make contact yet.

I’ve started to make changes in my life. They’re literally some things they teach elementary school kiddos nowadays. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a poster with something along the lines of what I’m about to write.

I’ve started to say to/ask myself:

Your feelings are valid, but it’s not okay to be mean.
Is what I’m about to say/do kind?
Is what I’m about to say/do going to help me manage the issue effectively?
Would I say these words or do these things to my children?
Are my choices leading to healing or resentment?
Am I in a position mentally where I can effectively address the issue, or do I need a break/time to process?
If I say this/make this choice, will I look back in a day, month, or year and be proud of myself?

I know I can be petty. I know I can say creatively hurtful things when I’m mad. I know I’m intelligent and can make choices to back myself up and show that I’m technically “right.” My love for writing makes me quite capable of constructing statements that help accomplish my pettiness effectively. But, again, how is any of that helping me?

I have all this anger inside of me for people that have done me wrong, and no matter how much I can prove that they’re in the wrong, it does nothing for me to hold on to anger. Im trying to make changes so I can show my children how to communicate in a healthy way. I’m trying to make changes so my children see healthy communication between their fathers, mothers, and myself. I’m trying to make changes so anyone I encounter feels loved and like they’re important and valued as a human. Even if they decide to make a choice that’s hurtful, I don’t want to respond in the same way.

The book is so much deeper than what I’m writing. The book dives into biblical stories and other examples to help explain the concepts. I have covered the pages in my thoughts while I read. It challenges you to really think. It challenges you to do the hardest thing which is to be kind when others haven’t been kind to you.

Truly though, would you want done to your children what you do to others? If your children read the text messages you sent to their other parent, would you be proud of yourself. If your children saw how you reacted when something didn’t go your way at work, would you continue responding the same way?

If you’re responding to anything with “well, I did or said this because this person did or said this to me first,” then you might want to reevaluate your choices/actions.

I know there are situations when you have no choice but to stand up for yourself. The book tells about not keeping a record of wrong. It’s a biblical principal that to love means to keep no record of wrong.

That’s been the hardest part for me. You best believe I have been trying to keep track of all the wild things my son’s father has said to me related to parenting. I keep great track of my actions at work in case someone questions my choices. I have definitely taken a screenshot of so many things that I might need to use later on. But, like… do yall hear how crazy that sounds?

It’s sad that we have to live that way. It’s sad that relationships are so historically negative that we have to stock pile “evidence” in case we encounter an issue.

I understand needing to have documents if a person is violent or unsafe in some way. I understand the justification of so many things. I can’t say that it’s wrong to keep track of certain things, but it really does mess with your mindset. It’s such a weird feeling to always be living in defense mode.

If you saw your text messages presented in court, how would you respond to an attorney or judge? If you saw your Facebook posts in court, how would you respond? If you saw videos of you presented in court, how would you respond? How would you respond if God was there? How would you respond if your children were there?

Being a human is so hard. No one has all the answers. We’re literally all winging it. I just don’t want to hold on to anger. I don’t want to have conflict with people that I could so easily get along with if we all changed our mindsets a little.

I hope my point for this blog came across. Read the book I mentioned. Seek out advice from quality sources. Try to act with love and hopefully you’ll see positive results!

I love all you beautiful humans!

——————

Mom, I know you’re reading this. I love you! I’m sorry I am rude to you sometimes. I take out some of my annoyances on you because I know in five minutes we’ll likely be fine again. I shouldn’t do that. I’m going to keep trying to be better at showing you how much I love you!

Dad, if you’re reading this, I don’t really know what to say to you, honestly. I wish we had a different relationship. I have so many reasons for why I feel the way that I do regarding you. I’m not sure they matter. I don’t know that me saying them all would change anything. I would like to be able to say we have a positive relationship in the future, but I don’t know how to get there. If we don’t, just at least be kind to Marshall. He’s my best friend and he deserves the dad that you seem to be trying to be for him now.

Random coworker that I mentioned above, if you’re reading this, I accept your apology. I think I did a long time ago, but it was too late for me to tell you that. I couldn’t see it then but I think what happened was meant to happen. It opened the door for so much good, and I’m still involved in the life of the person involved in the issue. Even if it hadn’t worked out well, you didn’t deserve for me to talk so poorly about you to others. I knew then and I know now how much you want to help people, and I got caught up in my feelings and didn’t care that you’re just a human trying you’re best. I hope you’re doing well in life!

Henry’s father, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the hateful things I said to you when I was angry. I’m sorry for not being able to effectively communicate with you. I hope we can figure out how to communicate better moving forward. I’m always here to help facilitate a relationship with you and Henry. I hope for a future where he has us both always showing up for him and he knows how much he’s loved.

For the few other people I hope read this, I see you. I’m writing this to show that I’ve done the same things you’re doing. I know you have a right to feel the way you do. I get the anger and frustration. I hope for a future where you don’t have to feel those feelings so deeply every day. I hope for a future for healthy and effective communication for you and those in your life. I know it’s hard, and I know you’re trying your best. I hope you feel comfortable talking to me some day. I hope for so much love in your lives and the lives of those you love!

Good Things Can Happen

I sat down to write a different blog than the one that you are reading. I planned to write a book club blog update.

However, something else came into my brain. I thought back to someone I spoke with recently. I thought back to the pain screaming out from them behind their smile. I thought back to hearing the words, “I don’t want to hurt myself, but I’m ready to die.” The thoughts over powered me and inspired a turn of events for the time I planned to spend writing.

I wrote a blog in 2022 titled, “Stop Telling People Life Will Get Better.”

I hadn’t read it from the time I published it until I sat down to write these words. I thought about the blog related to this one, because when I spoke with the person saying that devastating statement, I also thought about it in that moment.

My response was, “I can’t promise you life will get better, but I will say that good things can happen.”

My sister-in-law commented on the post I made when I published, “Stop Telling People Life Will Get Better.” I can’t remember word for word what she said, but basically she said I may want to add a trigger warning.

At the time, I was in the midst of a decade long depression spell. I kept hearing and seeing comments, videos, and conversations stating something along the lines of the last four words of that title. It made me so angry. The reality is, I wrote the blog for myself. I validated my own feelings in it. I said what I needed to hear at the time. I didn’t think the truth needed a trigger warning.

I stand by everything I wrote even today.

My sister-in-law is right though, if trigger warnings are effective, that blog would likely need one.

Either way, the point of that one and this one is the same. I’m attempting to help support people’s mental health needs. I’m just going to do it a little differently than the depressed version of myself did.

I came in hot in that blog. It catches your attention and probably scares you for a bit. It seems very depressing. I get to a helpful point towards the end.

There’s a lot of intro to this blog, so it can’t be as catchy. It’s not going to be as depressing. My helpful point is a little higher up, about five paragraphs down. The point is, “I can’t promise you life will get better, but I will say that good things can happen.”

When I responded to the person, who literally said the same words that I thought for long, I wanted to take away the pain with everything that I had. I know what it feels like to not want to exist anymore. I hate knowing someone feels the darkness that tried to consume me. However, like I said in the other blog, I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s feelings. I truly believe that saying “Life will get better” invalidates their experience and feelings. You can’t promise that to anyone. When you’re depressed, you generally aren’t really going to believe a statement like that anyways.

Even in the midst of my depression, I never confronted anyone with any sort of belief that life is always going to suck and nothing will ever change that. Most of what I said then focused on validating how incredibly difficult being a human is. I tried to point out that they were doing their best with what was available to them. I pointed out that systemic issues have likely contributed to their problems. I pointed out their lack of support system made them less effective in making choices they really wanted to make.

I still believe that all of those methods are helpful. However, now I can try to help build some healthy coping skills.

I can’t take any sort of credit for this concept. It’s a common therapeutic technique that I’m pretty sure is called reframing. It’s been a minute since I have worked towards my clinical mental health counseling degree, but I do remember this one.

Basically, you’re attempting to reframe your thought processes from a more negative mindset to a more positive one.

My therapist helped me attempt this, but I was terrible at being consistent. I imagine most depressed people may have the same issue. Nevertheless, if you practice it frequently, you may not get hit so hard when life tries to take you down.

My therapist often told me to try and write down good things that happened to me. He told me over and over to try and come up with anything each day that was positive, no matter how small. I tried it briefly and then would quit and get overwhelmed with the terrible things that would happen.

Here’s a photo from November of 2021. This is probably the only full month that I actually wrote something down every day. I had to mark out names of clients I had, so that’s why some of it looks a little funky.

What I also told the person I met with recently is that, “nothing good can happen if you’re not here.” That seemed to spark something in them. I told them about the concept of focusing on the little things, focusing on the possibilities, and coming up with as many “good things” as they could.

I helped them come up with a list.

I want to do that now. In my previous blog, I wrote about all the ways life is hard. Now, I want to focus on all the ways life can bring joy. This is not an all inclusive list. These are just some examples to get people thinking!

You ever just make a really fantastic sandwich? That brings me joy.
You ever looked at the sky and seen a cloud shaped like something else? That brings me joy.
You ever have a really good stretch after sitting down for a while? That brings me joy.
You ever seen a kiddo you love laugh so hard? That brings me joy.
You ever found a penny heads up on the ground? That brings me joy.
You ever gotten a text/call from a friend you haven’t heard from in a while? That brings me joy.
You ever write with a just straight spectacular pen? That brings me joy.
You ever see someone driving silly and then get pulled over in front of you? That brings me joy.
You ever find a precious stuffed animal that fits your vibe? That brings me joy.
You ever smell grass after it’s freshly cut? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten an ice cream cone? That brings me joy.
You ever see someone you love at the end of a tough day and they smile at you? That brings me joy.
You ever squished your toes in sand? That brings me joy.
You ever hear the click of a satisfying fidget toy? That brings me joy.
You ever took a whiff of a flower that you like? That brings me joy.
You ever had your nails painted and they look fire? That brings me joy.
You ever looked in the mirror and thought how beautiful you are? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten white cheddar cheez its? That brings me joy.
You ever blow a dandelion into the wind? That brings me joy.
You ever showered with your spouse? That brings me joy.
You ever found a bandaid that sticks so much better than other ones? That brings me joy.
You ever seen someone smile when they talk about something they are passionate about? That brings me joy.
You ever built something by yourself and thought that you’re a badass? That brings me joy.
You ever built something really creative with Legos? That brings me joy.
You ever seen a cherry blossom tree in person? That brings me joy.
You ever played the game Yahtzee? That brings me joy.
You ever gone for a walk in the Spring? That brings me joy.
You ever seen a double rainbow? That brings me joy.
You ever seen a book you enjoyed have a decent movie adaptation? That brings me joy.
You ever let out an impressive burp? That brings me joy.
You ever thought about how cute Bonsai trees are? That brings me joy.
You ever seen GloFish? That brings me joy.
You ever DIY’d something and it work out perfectly? That brings me joy.
You ever stood under a shower head with perfect water pressure? That brings me joy.
You ever sat in a comfy recliner? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten cheese fries? That brings me joy.
You ever used a computer keyboard with the perfect level of key clickiness? That brings my joy.
You ever swam in perfectly clear water? That brings me joy.
You ever see a tiny version of something that’s typically large? That brings me joy.
You ever found the perfect greeting card for someone? That brings me joy.
You ever gone rollerblading? That brings me joy.
You ever danced a silly dance with someone when you’re being goofy? That brings me joy.
You ever find a random figure of something you enjoy (example: giraffe)? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten pie? That brings me joy.
You ever hear a song that fits perfectly with how you’re feeling? That brings me joy.
You ever found something you’ve been wanting on major clearance? That brings me joy.
You ever climb a tree? That brings me joy.
You ever watched a hilarious tv show? That brings me joy.
You ever found a jacket that works with any outfit? That brings me joy.
You ever cleaned up a decent sized spill with the exact amount of paper towels you yanked off the roll? That brings me joy.
You ever found a delicious smelling perfume/cologne? That brings me joy.
You ever stood in the rain? That brings me joy.
You ever met a coworker who eventually becomes a lifelong friend? That brings me joy.
You ever cast a fishing rod? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten breakfast food? That brings me joy.
You ever smelled a scented stuffed animal? That brings me joy.
You ever colored in the lines of a coloring sheet like a boss? That brings me joy.
You ever put on a new pair of socks? That brings me joy.
You ever gotten to decorate an office at a job? That brings me joy.
You ever seen a hammerhead shark? That brings me joy.
You ever busted out a perfectly timed joke? That brings me joy.
You ever cuddled a puppy? That brings me joy.
You ever rubbed your tongue across your freshly brushed teeth? That brings me joy.
You ever laid on freshly cleaned sheets? That brings me joy.
You ever visited your grandparents and they slip some money to you? That brings me joy.
You ever given someone the perfect gift that led to them crying tears of joy? That brings me joy.
You ever found a new hobby? That brings me joy.
You ever received a compliment from a stranger? That brings me joy.
You ever had a brilliant hair day? That brings me joy.
You ever reached a goal you’ve been working towards? That brings me joy.
You ever played a fun card game? That brings me joy.
You ever found the most perfect stationary items? That brings me joy.
You ever find a hidden gem restaurant? That brings me joy.
You ever looked up at the stars and had a calm feeling rush over you? That brings me joy.
You ever heard a sermon at church that felt meant for you? That brings me joy.
You ever opened an umbrella indoors to test out a superstition? That brings me joy.
You ever have a positive coparenting moment? That brings me joy.
You ever see a friend or family member achieve a goal? That brings me joy.
You ever see someone you love become a parent? That brings me joy.
You ever find a movie character that you like and begin collecting their memorabilia? That brings me joy.
You ever say the word noodle? That brings me joy.
You ever draw a perfect love heart? That brings me joy.
You ever watch people get pearls out of clams? That brings me joy.
You ever found a dress you like and then realize it also has pockets? That brings me joy.
You ever kissed your romantic partner? That brings me joy.
You ever hugged a cozy stuffed animal? That brings me joy.
You ever jumped on a trampoline? That brings me joy.
You ever had a butterfly or ladybug land on you? That brings me joy.
You ever been recognized for your efforts? That brings me joy.
You ever watched a cat run around with the zoomies? That brings me joy.
You ever pulled the plastic covering off a new electronic device? That brings me joy.
You ever squeezed a stress reliever item that had the perfect squeeziness? That brings me joy.
You ever ridden on a perfectly fast but also chill amusement park ride? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten macaroni and cheese and/or mashed potatoes? That brings me joy.
You ever done something you were scared to do and enjoyed it? That brings me joy.
You ever read a book that made you cry? That brings me joy.
You ever find a small collectible item and then start collecting them everywhere you go? That brings me joy.
You ever listened to music through noise cancelling headphones? That brings me joy.
You ever played a musical instrument? That brings me joy.
You ever eaten a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night? That brings me joy.
You ever punched someone after seeing a punch buggy? That brings me joy.
You ever heard someone say a clever phrase and then begin using it as well? That brings me joy.
You ever watched animals roam around in the wilderness? That brings me joy.
You ever memorized a catchy theme song? (There’s 104 days of summer vacation…) That brings me joy.
You ever stood at the fridge eating cheese out of the bag trying to figure out what to actually eat? That brings me joy.
You ever sucked on a sucker? That brings me joy.
You ever ended a list on a number you know someone is gonna think you’re crazy for stopping at? That brings me joy.

Did I do too much?

I’d like to think I didn’t do enough.

There are so many ways to find the joy in life. It’s insanely hard to focus on that in the midst of depression, but maybe having a list like this could help. Remembering to focus on the good things in life helps you reframe your thoughts. It helps fight against the lies your brain tries to tell you.

Sure, life is going to be tough, but good things can happen. You can find joy. There are ways to enjoy life even in the midst of a terrible situation. It’s okay to be down. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to grieve the life you wanted but haven’t achieved or no longer have. However, don’t let anyone, especially yourself, convince you that there’s not good out there.

It’s there.

I’m happy to be here for you while you search for it! Come back to my blog when you’re needing reminders of ways to find joy. I may have only listed things that I’ve experienced, but I imagine every stage of life may bring about new opportunities for joy.

Good things can happen!

You deserve to be here. You deserve to have good things happen to you. You deserve to find joy in your life, even if bad things have happened. You deserve to be loved for simply existing!

Being a human is truly hard, but you’re doing great! Be kind! Love one another! Find joy!

Love Without Expectations

Let’s wrap this month up with LOVE blog number four of February 2025!

I started the month off by discussing ways to celebrate your partner through the celebration of Valentine’s Day. Then I shared songs that show God’s love and in turn helps you work to love yourself. The third blog discussed ensuring people understand their value in a relationship and not settling for less out of fear of being alone.

I didn’t really know where I wanted to go with this last one. I took a little bit of information I’ve written in the past and elaborated briefly.

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At church, recently, I mentioned a lesson my mom taught my brother and I growing up. She taught us that if we felt like helping someone in need, we should do so with no expectation of receiving something in return. She taught us that it’s not kind to give with an expectation of receiving anything back. She taught us that if we can give, then give. If we can’t, then don’t.

That’s kind of how I see love. We should love without expectation of receiving love in return. Not everyone is able to love or even knows how to love. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them.

Our children are perceptive creatures, but the reality is, they are really only able to understand the nuances of love through seeing examples. If we expect them to love us the way we love them, we’ll likely be disappointed. It’s going to take them a while to learn how to truly understand love and how to show it. They’re likely going to scream at you, tell you you’re the worst, and complain about everything you do for the majority of their childhood. We continue to show them love.

It’s different when we begin exploring romantic relationships. We’re obviously not going to tolerate someone screaming at us, telling us we’re the worst, or complaining about everything we do. However, they’re still not going to be different than us.

Every person has a unique personality. They have unique interests. They have complex beliefs. They have specific ways they show and receive love.

You’re probably not going to get very far if you treat your partner how you want to be treated. If I took my partner out for a book shopping spree, he would be quite confused. If he only ever gifted me fishing related items, I would probably cry.

You should have a desire to prioritize showing love. Every person in this world is here for some reason whether you believe it was an accident or not. If you are not in a place to love someone, then you should likely consider being by yourself and delaying having children.

I don’t say that to be mean, but if your priority is you, then keep it you. When you enter a relationship and/or have children, your priorities have to shift. Your priority is now to make your partner and/or children feel loved.

I don’t want anyone thinking it’s not important to take care of yourself. That’s not at all what I’m saying. Hopefully you’ve read enough of my blogs to know how worthy you are of love as a person. Hopefully you know how important it is to prioritize your mental health. We all need moments for ourselves and to find joy in things that we are passionate about. Don’t ever forget that.

The beautiful part about the lesson my mom taught me is that if you think this way and find someone else that thinks this way, your needs will always be met.

If you prioritize showing love to someone you love and they do the same for you, you’re both going to find joy in that relationship. You’re both going to be able to find joy outside of the relationship because you’ll realize how important it is to do the things you enjoy.

There’s also the component of a relationship in which your partner may not be able to show you love for whatever reason. Maybe they were injured and can’t get out like y’all normally would. Maybe they lost their job and can’t afford to surprise you with random gifts. Maybe they’re struggling with a mental health concern or other physical health concern that just makes them not in their usual spirit.

I’ve mentioned in a prior blog about how I perceive love. If a person is prioritizing their partner, the things they love about them will be specific details about their partner. If they are prioritizing themselves, the things they love about their partner will likely include “me” in their statements.

I figured I would go into more detail on this with a few examples of reasons I love people in my world.

My mom:

I love her ability to create. She’s so talented and amazes me constantly.
I love her kindness, she’s always thinking of others.
I love how makeup makes her smile.
I love her ability to make something out of nothing.
I love all the creative ways she parented my brother and I.

Henry:

I love his ability to find humor in so many situations.
I love his love for math.
I love his ability to nickname all the things with creative nicknames.
I love how perceptive he is about people’s emotions.
I love how he takes the tiniest bites when he eats.

My partner:

I love how happy he looks when he’s talking about fishing and cars.
I love the way he brushes his teeth.
I love his passion for his family and our church.
I love the way his eyes change depending on his emotion.
I love how creative his brain is with pretty much everything.

My partner’s daughter:

I love the way her face lights up when she talks about science projects.
I love the way her water bottles are always bent in half when she’s done with them.
I love seeing the love she has for her father and how much they laugh together.
I love her fashion sense and her ability to make all outfits look cool.
I love her desire to seek adventure and come up with fun things to do.

Even without all the cool and adorable things my family does, I’d still show them love regardless. That’s the point of this blog. No matter what anyone can offer you in return, you should show them love.

This blog is a little short but, I wanted to share this reminder to finish up these LOVE blogs. Love God. Love yourself. Love others. Don’t let this world so filled with hate overshadow the importance of LOVE!

What If I Never Love Again?

LOVE blog number three of February 2025! I hope you’ve been able to check out the other two published so far! If not, check them out! They’re all important in different ways.

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Hopefully you have had the experience of listening to Adele’s music. I enjoy it. I’m not a super fan or anything, but I’ve definitely belted out song after song of hers in the car when I’m alone. I recommend her music if you are looking for songs that let you test out your chops.

One of her songs that impacted me when I lived in Texas was “All I Ask.” I don’t remember what event had me feeling dramatic, where I lived, or how old I was, but I remember feeling attached to the lyrics in this song.

The song came on one day while in the car with my current partner when we had music on shuffle. I hadn’t heard the song in years, but my lovely brain remembered every word of it, and you best believe I sang it as loud as possible. Regardless of my attachment to the song, it’s a fun one to sing.

When I began brainstorming ideas for this short series of love blogs, this song came to mind.

I’ll explain why in a bit. I’m going to get a little personal in this blog. I’m slightly embarrassed by my choices. I’m going to share more than I have because I want my experiences to help prevent others from making similar choices. I know we tend to need to experience things for ourselves, but after working with so many young people during my time at CPS, I know how important it truly is to help youth learn what healthy love looks like as early as possible.

I’ve touched on my past relationships in a few blogs here and there. Let me give you a run down.

Dated my son’s father a bit my freshman year of college during my first semester. We broke up the same semester.
Met my ex-husband freshman year as well and married him seven months later. We divorced about four years after that.
A small fling with my son’s father again, but I ended it because it was too soon after my split from my ex-husband.
Ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation with a friend from college because he didn’t want to officially date until I was legally divorced. Eventually cut that off.
Dated a guy for two years. We broke up in early 2017.
Reconnected with my son’s father and had my son about a year later.
Reconnected with friend from number four about a year after ending things with my son’s father officially. We dated briefly.
Mostly single from 2021-2024. Dabbled in online dating but nothing serious came of it.
Met my current partner on the last day of August in 2024.

I’ve dreamt about being in love for as long as I can remember. I wanted a long marriage like both sets of my grandparents. I wanted to be hanging out in a recliner next to my husband in his own recliner when we’re in our 70s like my grandparents did so often. It seemed like a great plan.

I honestly don’t know what it took for them to achieve so many years of marriage. I’ve seen both sets bicker here and there. My mom reports her parents argued when she was younger. I honestly have never asked my dad’s parents about their relationship. I was too young to think about it that deeply, when I would see them, and since becoming an adult, I have only been able to manage a couple of trips and their relationship hasn’t come up. Our phone calls are generally about catching up and I haven’t thought to get too deep.

I guess, while growing up, I just felt like they loved each other. I saw little signs of love from both sets when I would visit. As an adult, when I began to navigate relationships, all I knew was that I wanted to be married for a long time like my grandparents.

In high school, I remember being hurt quite a few times when a boy I had a crush on would suddenly reveal to me that they had a crush on my best friend. She was and still is gorgeous, but at the time it made me super salty. It happened at least four times, so that definitely impacted teenage Ariel’s self-confidence. I had two boyfriends during my time in high school but it did not get that deep.

I got to college never having kissed anyone. It bothered me a little because so many of my friends had already had their first kiss and many more after that… One friend had a baby before I kissed anyone. I felt behind.

I remember thinking it would be so cool to end up with the first person I kissed. I started getting more attention in college and that surprised me to no end. I thoroughly enjoyed it and fairly quickly ended up achieving a first kiss. I also realized quickly that I would not be ending up with the first person I kissed. The second person I kissed seemed more positive. That ended about two months in. The third person happened to be the person I ended up marrying.

I grew attached quickly to all three of the men I just mentioned because I hadn’t ever experienced attention before. I hadn’t experienced anyone wanting to kiss me or anyone who didn’t reveal they would rather date my friend. When man three asked me to marry him, I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea. Less than a year into adulthood, I found the man I would get to spend the rest of my life with! 18-year-old Ariel had such high hopes.

It did not take long into our relationship and marriage to realize that we both had issues. We both had no clue what it meant to be married. We both knew very little about love. There were so many outside factors that shoved their way into our relationship. We did not have any sort of foundation to help maintain us outside of knowing that I had two sets of grandparents that had been married for a long time.

Getting divorced broke me in a way that I can’t explain. He was the first person that I shared my body with. I shared so many firsts with him and knowing that my dream of only being married to one person during my life was gone, I couldn’t recover mentally.

I had that brokenness with me in every interaction with a man I’ve been interested in since. I took the trauma that I experienced in that relationship and let it cling to me for over a decade. I tried to be whatever anyone wanted of me in future relationships. I did everything humanly possible to make relationships work that had no business even beginning. I made excuses for controlling behavior. I made excuses for them not managing their mental health. I forgave lies. I hid my pregnancy and my child for almost a year and a half after his birth because his father asked me to. I considered cutting off my child’s father because someone asked me to. I went on a first “date” with a person I met on a dating app who literally asked me to come to their home instead of a restaurant or something.

I did all these things because… What if I never love again?

Do you see what I did there? I’ve made it back around to Adele. I internalized her lyrics years ago and made choices because I was scared I would be alone forever. I circled back to my husband, my child’s father, and a college friend many more times than I should have because they felt safer than being alone. At least I knew what I was dealing with. When I started trying to experiment with online dating, I accepted the bare minimum because I was tired of being alone.

I convinced myself that being alone was the problem. I convinced myself that my life would be better just as long as I had a partner. It didn’t even matter how they treated me at that point. I became so desperate. Thank God I had my therapist. He’s the only reason my decisions didn’t get more questionable, and man, were they questionable.

An intention with this blog is to help others avoid questionable decisions. I made a post on Facebook back in the day about wanting to make my own decisions and basically didn’t care about advice. I was trying to justify getting divorced and moving on and was bitter about anyone that questioned my choices.

It seems that it’s a human nature thing to not take advice. We generally do whatever we want and learn from our mistakes. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing in its entirety. However, looking back, I wish I had more examples, knowledge, and support when it came to understanding relationships and love.

After working with children and youth through the child welfare system for seven years, I understand the value of trying to ensure they learn what healthy love looks like. Many of the children in the welfare system never see healthy familial love and that’s a major factor in what leads to them not understanding healthy love in romantic relationships.

For the sake of this not boring people to death, I want to make a few important statements as I’m not certain how much more I will write. Hopefully I haven’t lost people already due to the length.

It’s okay to be alone.
It’s okay if you don’t find a romantic partner.
Being with someone will not fix all the issues in your life.
Your mental health is more important than being in a relationship.
You don’t have to tolerate abuse.

I’m not an expert. I don’t have any research links in the blogs I’ve posted so far. I’m simply speaking off of my personal experience and personal thoughts. I know it’s easy for a person to make those statements. It’s definitely not as easy living them. Life gets lonely. It’s truly hard to be alone.

I haven’t said much about love at this point. I’ve shared my personal experiences to show that I understand what it’s like to navigate relationships and have made choices that hurt me in the long run. Another intention of this blog is to lead people to understand healthy love.

I was listening to my favorite radio station, K-LOVE, and heard them quote a well-known Bible verse related to love. I don’t recall which version of the Bible they used but it’s in 1 Corinthians. It’s chapter 13 and verses four through seven. The New International Version has it quoted as: “4. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I have done a bit of research on love over the years. I’ve tried to figure out if I loved someone or if someone loved me. These Bible verses are as good as anything I’ve seen out there to help a person understand if they are showing or being shown love.

I think I convinced myself that I loved my previous partners because I tried to show them kindness. I tried to do as much as I could to make their lives better. I didn’t point out things that bothered me to try and keep peace. I think I tried to meet this Biblical definition. However, I try to meet this definition with most people. The issue is, I didn’t trust any of these men. I doubted them constantly. I kept a record of wrong inside my heart even though I didn’t always say it to them. Sure, they gave me consistent reasons to feel this way, but that’s not really the point. I knew inside that the relationships weren’t right, but I kept pushing for the sake of having someone.

Here are a few ways I feel that you can show someone love in a romantic relationship:

Communicate
- Ask about your partner’s day.
- Talk with them about anything that’s bothering you.
- Take turns when addressing issues and ensure each person feels heard.
- Tell them things you appreciate about them.
- Tell them things you love about them and make them personal, not about you.
- Express what you need, don’t expect your partner to know.
- Share all your thoughts, even if YOU know they’re irrational.
- Prioritize emotion check ins because life can be distracting.
Random
- Show genuine interest in your partner’s interests.
- Go on adventures together.
- Prioritize physical intimacy at a level that’s comfortable for each person.
- Pray together.
- Go to church together.
- Prioritize spending time with each person’s family.
- Cook for and with your partner when you can.
- Prioritize time with friends, alone and together.

I truly enjoy The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Learn about them. Read the book. Take the quiz. Talk about it as partners and show your partner love the way they need to receive it.

I fear I could go on forever. I want people to love themselves, which is why I posted my second blog. I also want people to understand healthy love, which is why I’m posting this one. The priority is to understand that you should be loved simply for existing. God loves you just as you are. It’s not always that simple with humans, but you should be loved simply for existing by humans as well. Don’t seek out or stay in a relationship for fear of being alone. Learn how to love yourself, how to show others love, and be patient in finding the person you want to show love to through a romantic relationship.

There’s so much nuance to love, but I want to make one thing clear, a person that loves you will never hit you. A person that loves you will never get joy out of making you feel small. I can’t say that people won’t change, but you don’t have to stick around through abuse to wait and find out. You don’t have to stay with someone out of fear of being permanently alone. I can’t promise you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve, but it is possible. I didn’t always listen to my therapist when he said things, but when he told me to love myself first, I should have trusted him. Love yourself, and hopefully healthy love will find its way to you!

Being a human is hard, but you’re doing great! I love all you beautiful people! Thank you to anyone who makes it this far!